ok im going to try this. after reading some of your letters, I would like to say something from the other side of the coin. im not even sure im in the right place, ive never been diagnosed with adhd, but alot of what im reading sounds just like me.
I love my wife, very much. she is in every way my better half. I cannot imagine life without her. she is patient, understanding, kind.. almost too much. I fairly frequently find myself blowing up at her. well, its not just her, its alot of people. I cant even hold down a job because of what i call "black rages". its like a demon possesses me, and I have NO control over what i say. I guess I and my wife are somewhat luckier than most. I was raised in a household w 3 sisters and no brothers, so it never gets violent, ever. unless I am in a situation where I am physically attacked and i have no alternative ..which seems to happen to me a bit. i get people mad.. and sometimes they want to fight me. i can be very stubborn, inquisitive. there are some triggers, like lack of sleep. .but despite a year of begging and pleading with her and trying to make her understand, she dont get it through her head. I am still amost daily being woken up one way or another without any reason. we just had a baby a month ago. i moved out onto the couch one night cause she insisted on getting a bed to let him sleep close to her, called a cosleeper. whats she do? gets up in the middle of the night and places the hungry baby on his carrier right by my head so she could make him a bottle. and that brought on one of the rages. that kind of stuff happens somewhat frequently. but its not just sleep. sometimes its just a persons attitude.. i can TELL sometimes it might come.. and when i get that "feeling" it almost always does. maybe they sense my negativity towards them. .but if they are jerks ...they are jerks. sometimes i am able to avoid confrontation if its not too personal.. but if it gets personal..I black out. its like a freight train is coming.. and I am powerless to stop it. some of the worst things you can imagine come out of my mouth. sometimes i can stop it if im left alone to think about things..but thats the problem. its impossible to be left alone really.. my wife wont do it. she insists on following me around and pushing things. she will not give me time to think. neither will many other people, and you cant tell a boss, hey your pissing me off, I need some alone time. ive tried it. I'm at the point i have tried leaving my wife multiple times , and we havent been married but 3 months. anyways, when ive had a chance to think things over, i always come down back in a regular mood. from zero to jerk back to zero again in 10 minutes. because I love my wife, I dont want to treat her like that. she in no way deserves the abuse i utter so often. but she wont let me leave. I guess she has a few problems herself.. and honestly she deserves alot better than what ive given her. and at this point in her life.. she just had a very difficult pregnancy and now shes facing brain surgery.. but even her family is not there for her emotionally. so i feel trapped. i cant leave and i dont want to stay. this may amplify it, because i find myself doing it with her more than others. but its been so bad, and so devastating to my life ive tried suicide. twice. once i was so close my heart was at 30% capacity. I took 200 sleeping pills. (over the counter..not as powerful, but very deadly in that amount..if they had found me a bit later i wouldnt be here) I wouldn't try it now. even at my worse, I will not deprive my son of a loving caring father. so its a cycle of peace, unexplained unwanted rage, peace. i think she probably feels like shes walking on eggshells often, though she wont admit it. its like a fight or flight response. a defensive mechanism. an adrenaline overload. and the worst thing is 99% of the time i mean NOTHING LIKE what comes out of my mouth. like i will call her stupid. shes not. at all. shes pretty smart actually. she got a diploma, which is more than I did, and she often can figure things out i cant! so i dont mean it at all.. but feeling trapped in drama or a confrontation i don't want..i utter it to get her away from me. i cant keep the words from coming out of my mouth. ive tried therapy, and meds helped for a bit, seroquel specifically.. but the therapy was doing nothing and thats weeks of 5 day a week intensive group and 1 on 1 stuff. and the drs didnt want to keep giving me meds w/o me in therapy to "see if i really need it". I can spend my life in therapy and watched many come in and go. even got in a confrontation with someone in the group. she was telling a father he was right to hit his son. in the nose. literally, saying he should "knock his ass out" because the guy was angry. i said something to her about not encouraging violence and she flipped on me, put me on the defensive, so i yelled. and sometimes i provoke confrontation unknowingly. apparently my voice rises when im trying to make a point or something, and people say i yell when im not even close to it.. but it sure triggers it. its been witnessed many times... peep think im getting mad at them cause my voice is "raising" but i feel no anger or anything... but i do sense them getting angry at me.. and that triggers it. how can i help raising my voice if i dont know im doing it? so what can i do?