So this ADHD thing was going so well. At first my husband was resistant to the idea, but little by little he started paying attention and understanding it and recognizing that's what he has. Two weeks ago he told me how much he loved and appreciated me for doing all this research and learning about ADHD, and for helping him learn about ADHD and how helpful I've been in making changes to how I approach things and sending him reminders and all this stuff. Then today I texted him about our daughter (who is learning to drive and TERRIFYING me way beyond what her brother did or twin sister is doing) and was explaining to him about how, as I've been researching ADHD, I am 99 percent sure she has it. Hers is Inattentive - she's an absolute sweetheart, but she's shy, has anxiety and some very quirky behaviors. (He's ALWAYS been the one telling ME how quirky she is, and he's been HARD on her for her shyness and distractability and tendency to cry easily, but I didn't call him out for how he's handled it. Just listed all of her obvious and unusual traits that are ADHD traits.) And he lost his mind. Furious texting back and forth with me. According to him there is nothing wrong with her. He ADORES his daughter just the way she is, and he doesn't want me making her feel inferior or like she's less of a person or making excuses for her. She's just who she is and she will grow up and come into her own just fine as long as we don't treat her like there's something wrong with her. I've always been gentle in how I parented her because she has always been a sensitive girl. And I never said to him or her that there was something wrong with her. I just told him that I'd ordered some books to learn more about ADHD in teen girls and how I could best help and guide her as a mom. I don't want her to struggle in life. He kept demanding I tell him what "normal" is and insisting that I have no idea and can't even give him one example. He was absolutely furious. Here I was already feeling terrible, like I could have done better as her mom and helped her better if I'd just known, then the dude who has outright admitted to how much he's struggled having ADHD his whole life and not knowing it is telling me that I'm pretty much wrong for educating myself and wanting to help educate him and her. I stayed as neutral as I could, given we were texting. He essentially said ADHD is a money grab by doctors, psychologists, authors, etc. I told him that was only his opinion and he should really do some research himself before deciding that. After he berated me for my superiority I told him I won't talk to him about ADHD anymore. He tried to call me, but I didn't feel like getting berated over the phone as well, so I told him "No thanks. I already said I won't talk about it anymore." And he said "Thank you." As if I have been in the wrong this entire time for sharing the reels and info I've read, and all the time I've invested in learning all I could to try to HELP him, and improve our marriage.
Now I am barely holding it together. This has been a horrible year for our marriage because i finally broke, then I found out about his ADHD and that broke me some more... but I felt like there was some kind of hope if we could at least learn about it together and he could get some coping mechanisms in place to deal with his unreasonable reactions. I still don't like him, but I was really trying and it seemed like things were getting a little better. The grieving process has been really hard for me. Realizing my daughter most likely has ADHD broke me again because of how much my husband's ADHD has affected our family and specifically me as his spouse and how HARD our marriage has been. I don't want my sweet girl to have a hard marriage or have a spouse who doesn't understand her and can't support her because he has no idea what's going on and neither does she. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I feel like I'm going to have to go over his head with this because she needs to know what she's up against. I am certain that just pretending she's no different from our non-ADHD kids is not the solution, and, as her parent, I feel it's wrong to just leave her to figure it out on her own.
Now I'm back to feeling hopeless with his willful ignorance, and feeling like he's confirmed, yet again, that I am completely alone. Responses like this are why I have never been able to freely talk to him about things I worry about or my feelings or opinions if they don't align with his unless I wanted to fight. Which i never do. Right now I want to just quit all the things I've done to "help" him lately since ADHD is "just a profitable industry". Obviously he shouldn't need help managing it then. But that feels petty, too. I'm just so hurt and disappointed right now.