So this ADHD thing was going so well. At first my husband was resistant to the idea, but little by little he started paying attention and understanding it and recognizing that's what he has. Two weeks ago he told me how much he loved and appreciated me for doing all this research and learning about ADHD, and for helping him learn about ADHD and how helpful I've been in making changes to how I approach things and sending him reminders and all this stuff. Then today I texted him about our daughter (who is learning to drive and TERRIFYING me way beyond what her brother did or twin sister is doing) and was explaining to him about how, as I've been researching ADHD, I am 99 percent sure she has it. Hers is Inattentive - she's an absolute sweetheart, but she's shy, has anxiety and some very quirky behaviors. (He's ALWAYS been the one telling ME how quirky she is, and he's been HARD on her for her shyness and distractability and tendency to cry easily, but I didn't call him out for how he's handled it. Just listed all of her obvious and unusual traits that are ADHD traits.) And he lost his mind. Furious texting back and forth with me. According to him there is nothing wrong with her. He ADORES his daughter just the way she is, and he doesn't want me making her feel inferior or like she's less of a person or making excuses for her. She's just who she is and she will grow up and come into her own just fine as long as we don't treat her like there's something wrong with her. I've always been gentle in how I parented her because she has always been a sensitive girl. And I never said to him or her that there was something wrong with her. I just told him that I'd ordered some books to learn more about ADHD in teen girls and how I could best help and guide her as a mom. I don't want her to struggle in life. He kept demanding I tell him what "normal" is and insisting that I have no idea and can't even give him one example. He was absolutely furious. Here I was already feeling terrible, like I could have done better as her mom and helped her better if I'd just known, then the dude who has outright admitted to how much he's struggled having ADHD his whole life and not knowing it is telling me that I'm pretty much wrong for educating myself and wanting to help educate him and her. I stayed as neutral as I could, given we were texting. He essentially said ADHD is a money grab by doctors, psychologists, authors, etc. I told him that was only his opinion and he should really do some research himself before deciding that. After he berated me for my superiority I told him I won't talk to him about ADHD anymore. He tried to call me, but I didn't feel like getting berated over the phone as well, so I told him "No thanks. I already said I won't talk about it anymore." And he said "Thank you." As if I have been in the wrong this entire time for sharing the reels and info I've read, and all the time I've invested in learning all I could to try to HELP him, and improve our marriage.
Now I am barely holding it together. This has been a horrible year for our marriage because i finally broke, then I found out about his ADHD and that broke me some more... but I felt like there was some kind of hope if we could at least learn about it together and he could get some coping mechanisms in place to deal with his unreasonable reactions. I still don't like him, but I was really trying and it seemed like things were getting a little better. The grieving process has been really hard for me. Realizing my daughter most likely has ADHD broke me again because of how much my husband's ADHD has affected our family and specifically me as his spouse and how HARD our marriage has been. I don't want my sweet girl to have a hard marriage or have a spouse who doesn't understand her and can't support her because he has no idea what's going on and neither does she. Ignorance is NOT bliss. I feel like I'm going to have to go over his head with this because she needs to know what she's up against. I am certain that just pretending she's no different from our non-ADHD kids is not the solution, and, as her parent, I feel it's wrong to just leave her to figure it out on her own.
Now I'm back to feeling hopeless with his willful ignorance, and feeling like he's confirmed, yet again, that I am completely alone. Responses like this are why I have never been able to freely talk to him about things I worry about or my feelings or opinions if they don't align with his unless I wanted to fight. Which i never do. Right now I want to just quit all the things I've done to "help" him lately since ADHD is "just a profitable industry". Obviously he shouldn't need help managing it then. But that feels petty, too. I'm just so hurt and disappointed right now.
Please
Submitted by adhd32 on
Don't make her pay for his ignorance. She has likely already experienced a great deal of shame and confusion at this point in her life bc of the undiagnosed add. She has probably learned some not too great coping skills bc of it. Talk to the pediatrician who will likely suggest testing her. Some ADHD parents cannot accept the genetic factor and are unwilling to accept that they passed it along. Sorry you are in this, I get it.
I won't
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Oh, I certainly won't let her just struggle now that I'm aware. This just happened today with my husband so I am still trying to figure out the best course forward now that I realize I may not have his support. I'm not always the best at fighting and advocating for myself, but I can't be stopped when it's my kids. We've homeschooled forever, and I've always just worked with everyone's learning styles and strengths and weaknesses, so she hasn't had a lot of challenges with teachers or peers in an academic setting yet. She is taking some outside classes now, tho. So far so good, but I'm definitely going to talk to her teachers about what we can do if they notice her struggling at all. But as far as helping her on a personal level, I feel like there's going to be all out war in our house if my husband decides to tell her what he's told me. All the kids are well aware of my husband's "quirks", even tho I refrain from labeling him to them. I just hope she will trust me when it comes to this even if it becomes a war with her dad.
An update
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Last night my husband sat me down and told me that he's afraid I think that he's regressing, and I told him I absolutely am. And he said he's not. He's just frustrated because he doesn't like how people treat him and doesn't want our daughter to be treated the same way he is. I told him that I am the only one who has verbalized my understanding that he has ADHD to the degree he does. Nobody has talked to me about it and I don't go around telling anyone else. Other people in his life who sometimes make rude comments to him are most likely rubbed wrong by some of the things he does or says. They don't react that way because THEY KNOW he has ADHD and want to "bully" him because of it. They are reacting to the behaviors caused by his ADHD and are not understanding that he legit has challenges that sometimes cause those kinds of behaviors. It isn't ok that people are rude to him, but without understanding ADHD, they cannot understand his sometimes over-the-top and off-putting behaviors. Our daughter does not have the same issue at all because she is quiet and reserved and doesn't exhibit any abrasive behaviors in public that would make her open to criticism. He said he thinks it would be crushing to her to realize she's "different", and I told him that she'd have to be pretty thick not to have realized that already. And our daughter is not stupid. I am introverted and I grew up in a household of extroverts. It was actually such a relief to learn what introversion is! That I wasn't just the odd, anti-social kid I had looked like to my family, and that there were other people - MANY people - just like me. The needs and priorities for my emotional health are just different. And that's ok.
Anyway, the conversation was a whole lot of circling around, and me saying the same things I always say that he doesn't remember me ever saying before, and lot of frustration on his part and on my part, we both listened and didn't argue or fight, but I don't feel like we made any real progress, either. He said he doesn't feel like he's been cared about for the last 10 years of our marriage, maybe even longer than that. That he felt that way in the beginning, so maybe it's his own fault, but he can't remember anything he did (or the years and years of verbal and emotional abuse from his anger issues, or the severity of his rudeness and jabs and pokes and guilt-tripping and shaming) to have caused that. I said I am sorry. I am trying to move forward myself, but I don’t know how to just get over all the things that he's done and said to me over the years, and pretend like they never happened. I have no reference for a time besides maybe the first month or two of our marriage when I was actually happy with him. He said he adores me. That I am his person and his dream girl, but it sucks to have a loveless marriage. Yeah, I'm doing my best, but it sure does because I cannot even force myself to feel something that just isn't there. I am pretty sure our four kids are the only thing holding us together.
Hello EAB
Submitted by c ur self on
I was just reading your posts, and thought I would attempt to encourage you, and share a few thoughts from own life experiences....One thing that strikes me about your daughter is the sensitivity...I was very much like her (still am)....I realized several years back that I was an HSP (highly sensitive person). I cried very easily (movies, songs, even happy things, conflict, etc.) much easier than others...I never knew why, and being a guy it was something I would about choke to death trying to hide..(shame)....But it's a real thing and eventually I realized it was ok to be who I am....So it's nothing be concerned about, higher levels of sensitivity is normal for many people....One thing I would like to point out that wasn't mentioned is the greatest scar's I've carried and most adults will testify to carrying from their youth is; the scars that comes from the unrest between a man and his wife...(Their parents)....You may think your hiding it....But, your children know.....
My wife has high level add...And it's been a roller coaster ride for us...But over the past couple of years (married 14 years) we have learned what it takes for us to have as normal of life as possible....I want go into everything, but after reading your post, I will just say, you will have to have acceptance of your husband...He and you will probably never see life through the same lens, and since you have already experienced so many years with an adhd partner you know exactly how that works....Men and women see life differently in a lot of respects to start with, but, you and I (many here) know that that gap widens w/ add/adhd....So acceptance, boundaries and not getting to involved in emotional conversations, or dialog about those differences is a must to keep peace...The trait you will see with many add/adhd men and women is, they may be right in principle, but their delivery may be very wrong, emotional, lacking patients, lacking in the ability to hear and be calm....It works best when we live and let live in many area's of life...I know you are not shocked that your husband isn't happy, and don't feel loved...No man would be (or women) based on your comments about your lack of intimacy efforts in the marriage...Not casting any blame here, only you, him and God knows what each of you have dealt with, and what's going on in your hearts and minds...All I will say is we all need to take ownership of our actions or in-actions when it comes to our responsibilities in our marriage, and as parents...Many couples who go through divorces are just doing the paperwork....One or both parties may have quit on their vows long before the paperwork is done...The paperwork is just burying the long dead marriage....I hope you guy's can work through this....Sounds like you have a lot of blessings and some awesome children!
Blessings
c
I can relate
Submitted by swampyankee on
I've known my husband has ADHD for years but I finally sat him down a month ago after a particularly perplexing incident and told him that I thought he had it. He too has resisted it, but at least he heard me out this time. I left the conversation hopeful that he might consider the possibility and that maybe if we worked on it together we could solve some of our marital issues (which by now is a total shambles). But then a week later, during an argument about finances, he told me that "all of his other relationships are fine" and that really all he needs to do is find someone who enjoys his ADHD traits.
I am pretty sure no one would enjoy the consequences of the latest incident caused by his unmanaged ADHD, even those other people he has "relationships" with (co-workers, friends and family). But they also haven't lived with him for 20 plus years.
In the end it's his issue to manage. He has to want to manage it. I've gone down the ADHD path with him as far as I can and it sounds like you have, too.
For sure!
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
It looks like we're on a similar time line. We've been married 19 years. I feel like my husband really wants to do better, and I need to support him and help him as best I can, but, like you, I don't even feel like I have a real relationship with this man. Every time when he cycles around to being fed up because he is not seeing immediate changes in his relationship with me or other people, and he wants to just blame me and everyone else, it makes it that much harder to convince myself to try again. I'm just drained dry and exhausted by this point.
Sorry to hear of your
Submitted by Non-ADHD-Hubby on
Sorry to hear of your scenario, I understand how difficult it can be. Managing a teenager's introduction into driving is tough without ADHD involved. Then adding into the mix the fact that you and your husband are only a year into both knowing his ADHD exists.
My wife and I have known of her ADHD for a while now and have only recently started to (fairly) consistently adopt the procedure of stopping and stepping back to look at the bigger picture when a difficult scenario arises. This might help in your situation.
It is easy to put on the telephoto lens and lose site of the grand scheme (I am guilty of hyper-focusing as well). In your case you're both kinda still in that diagnosis "mourning" stage with the band-aid having been torn off only recently, you've got a teenager driving, and I imagine perhaps some other things not mentioned that can cause stress.
I take from your post you want to make it work. I hope you can take it easy on yourself. That in turn might resonate with your hubby calming him down, and that's when progress can be made.
I understand everyone's experience is different but hoping my 2-cents can give you some hope!