And Then I Met Someone Without ADHD....

My husband and I have been married for 2 months. We have lived together for 5 and a half years. Our whole relationship has been a rollercoaster. We moved in together quickly after we met, and began facing all of our problems like a whirlwind right as we were saying a swift goodbye to our honeymoon phase. It has been full of adventure and passion as well as an incredible amount of anger, disappointment, and tears.  This is due to my personality as well as his; or rather, it's how they interact with each other.

He is deeply committed to me and has many positive qualities. He is loyal, has a kind heart, and we have a lot of shared values. I am afraid of commitment; he has patiently taught me the ropes. We also have constant frustrations. He very rarely does what he says he will do (dishes may take weeks, he keeps his stuff in piles, is incapable of paying bills, etc.). He puts things off until the last minute and causes great deals of stress for us both. He leaves so many things to either fall apart or of me to take care of. This makes me feel like my time is not as valuable as his, and like things will not get taken care of unless I do them. He has a low tolerance for frustration, which is made worse by the fact that I get my feelings hurt easily. I've toughened up a lot, but I still deeply resent the way he talks to me over a comment that came off wrong, water spilled in the car, etc.

He started taking Adderall right before we got engaged....this is one of the only things that allowed us to get engaged. Things were getting better. He was getting more done, he had more energy to (get off of the freaking computer and) emotionally engage me without me having to keep asking for it. So we got married. He wrote beautiful vows that really cut to the heart of why I love him.  We wrote our whole ceremony by hand. We danced all night. I promised to stay and work through things no matter what. It was deeply meaningful.

And then, as you'd expect, we were still us. I'm still scared of our relationship. It feels very volitaile...but I'm never sure if I'm being flighty/petty/over-sensitive, or if my concerns are really legitimate. I think he deserves to feel someone's unconditional love and loyalty (like I feel from him) and I feel sad that I haven't been able to really ever offer that to him (I've tried to break it off 5+ times before we got married, and he's always convinced me to stay and work through things). I also would like something more or different from my marriage. I want to feel like things will be taken care of even if he'd rather play video games, that his mood will be more predictable, that he will treat me with kindness/gratitude/thoughtfulness, that when we fight he won't get emotionally out of control and make me feel hated instead of loved.

When we have the big conversations, my husband is always willing to work on things, to go to counseling, to read books, to change his diet, to exercise more, to schedule time together, to try whatever it takes. But it never lasts. Inevitibly, he is grumpy and consumed by the computer, leaving things undone and my emotional needs unmet. This larger pattern of our relationship always leaves me feeling unsettled, hurt, and unsatisfied.

So, for the past few months I have been going running a few times a week with a friend. He just went through a breakup; I was the person who worked him though it. We spent hours together, went on super long runs, played in rivers, cooked dinner, had wonderful conversations. We didn't talk about how we felt (and we were careful to keep our distance physically), but we developed feelings for each other. He told someone how he was feeling, and it got back to me. I told my husband about it (his feelings, not mine) and broke off the hanging out with this guy. My husband is not a possessive guy; he basically said he wasn't surprised that my friend developed feelings for me since he was going through a rough patch, and most of all he hoped I would have better boundaries in the future to protect our marriage. He also reiterated that he would never even consider doing anything similar that would come close to making me feel betrayed, and this is very true. He wouldn't.

But nonetheless, I can't get the other guy out of my head. I can't stop thinking about how different my life would be with someone else.  This guy, for example, is kind, emotionally stable, motivated, decidedly unselfish and so very considerate (my husband was not these things even in the first few months). The thoughts get especially intrusive after we have been fighting. I absolutely do not want to be someone who is always leaving for something better...I see the fruitlessness in that pattern. But I am scared about having kids with my husband. I am scared about the additional work and responsibility, having our fighting affect more people, about him emotionally disengaging and hurting me and the hypothetical kids...I know I can't predict the future, it's just that based on our pattern I don't really trust it. I feel like, right now, before we'vd had kids, I could change the ending to my story. But I don't know if I should.