Can we talk?
( My spouse is a great man. That great man is angry and bitter and is difficult to be around. ) I just borrowed this line from a post because I think it needs discussed. This (Anger and Bitterness) is a show stopper! Or at least it was in my life and marriage. This line I just borrowed is exactly what my wife would have said about me a couple of years ago...And she would have been right....She has quiet severe add, and I do not...But I was usually the first one to let anger flare up. And even if she was the first one to have an outburst of anger, 99% of the time, I provoked it. Now the difference in me today vs the person I was two years ago, is right here two years ago is where I would tell you why I was angry and bitter. Heck, I wouldn't have had the self awareness to even start this post two years ago.
How many of you are in a marriage where either you are angry and bitter or your spouse is or both? I read in these posts all the time where one or the other is angry. What happens to the countenance of an immature child who is spoiled, when you tell them no? We call it pitching a fit in the Southern US...The word spoiled and adult are interchangeable...You can try to sugar coat it and use terms like "reasonable" or one of my favorites "common sense", (my wife probably wishes she had a nickel for every time she heard that term barked at her the first 4 years of our marriage) but I like spoiled, because if I'm actually going to fight you about my expectations then tell me how I am any different from the child? One is to immature to understand he can't have every thing he wants, and the other is to blind? selfish/self-absorbed? fill in the blank.
So, the million dollar question: How do we stop this cycle? I'm sure many of you who have success stories can share what has or is working for you...For me (I'm a hard case, because I was like the poster's husband in the original post above, I was the great man, who worked hard, faithful friend, excelled at my job, loved my children, you're getting the picture, I was the one who had it all together, in my mind anyway) it took months of soul searching...She moved out for 11 months, and we went to a Christian Counselor for 10 of those. I listened to tapes, I read books...And I prayed!
Acceptance of her!...And self-awareness for me!
You may be saying is that all? lol...Well lets look at it...So I'm going to have acceptance of someone who blows my mind with how she lives life? Someone I daily have to guard against enabling...Someone who see's life through a completely different lens, than most of us:) lol...Yep...Why? Because she is my wife that's why...
What about self-awareness for me...This is the big one, because just knowing God loves me, and knowing that anger and bitterness was only ruining my own life...expectations was killing me....Now I just make sure my spirit is right, and when that is happening, no matter the circumstance's that my day deals me. I know it's going to be OK.
Most everyone on these forums are just full on expectations....Most every post is about what I'm not getting from my spouse....Hey I'm not throwing any stones here!...I wish my wife new how to manage time better, I wish she wasn't so distractible I wish she didn't talk so much during sex, and I wish she wanted it more, and realized how much I like it:).....And on and on...But what is the alternative? Acceptance and thankfulness, because she is my wife? Or, anger and bitterness because poor c-ur-self has gotten cheated in life?....I'm smiling now:)
If any of you are dealing w/ anger and bitterness...Please take your eye's off of what fuels it...There is healing for you...
Blessings and Merry Christmas to you all.