Anger and communications

This is about anger and communications.

I am an ADDer married to a non.  Just read your book ADHD effect on Marriage.  Very good information from the ADHD side.  Most of the information my wife sends me is all about the ADHD person and very little about the non.  This was a great two sided discussion.

I have two problems that need a response.  First is the idea that all her anger is about and directed to me and that she has no stake in the relationship.  I understand that my ADHD has affected her life in many ways, but she doesn’t think “I Get It” and understand the idea that I am the cause of many of the issues we have.  As I think I have been trying to work with my ADHD: medicine and therapy, she constantly tells me that I do not understand the issue.  So I ask her what actions or words she is expecting to hear or see to believe that I do a starting understanding of the effects?  In anger all she can say is that it is a feeling she will have when she believes “I Get It”.  In another sentence she says I will never get it.

She is very good at telling me all the items I am doing wrong, or actions I have done in the past to cause the issues, but very limited in working together to set steps to help us move forward on working with my ADHD.  She mentions over and over that for many years she has been trying to get me to understand and has no more energy to do so and that it has taken too long for me to even start to understand the issues.

I explain that I am working on my steps to help with my ADHD.  Every try I make I get shut down and nothing gets better.  How do I get her to understand that I am trying, but obviously incorrectly, so I try differently, still no success or even validation that I am making any progress?

Second issue is that of communications.  I am told I do not interpret what she says correctly, and when I try to ask questions to understand what her intent was, I am told I should already know as we have been together for many years.  So I ask what I should do: act on my own interpretation of the conversation, or explain what I thought I heard and ask questions about it, which is also wrong, or just say nothing, which is also wrong?  I am at a loss of what to do?

If the ADHD person won’t understand or interpret conversation properly, what do we do to help to correct that issue?  This seems to be a dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t scenario.

There are many other issues, but these two will do in this conversation.

Ideas or help?