Anger is destroying my marriage

Hello.  I am new to this forum and I am terrified because I think my husband and I are on the verge of splitting.  My husband has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD.  However, we've had longstanding marital issues due to his inability to manage his anger, and with a lot of research, I'm starting to think this might be the cause.  Thankfully, he has also done some research and is in agreement.  Besides the difficulty with anger, he is often losing things, disorganized, has trouble with time management, often wakes at night and can't go back to sleep, has trouble processing lots of info when thrown at him all at once, restless in meetings at work, and very distractible.  These last items, while present, don't cause any strife for me as a spouse.  But, the anger management issues have chipped away at my feelings for him, our future, and left me feeling very, very hopeless and sad.  So, while we don't yet have a firm diagnosis, we just started counseling, which, so far, he is very willing to participate in.  The problem is, I am not having the reaction I had hoped.  I thought that just by starting couple's therapy a few weeks ago I would feel immediate relief and a renewed sense of optimism.  But, instead, I can't stop the flood of bad memories from entering my head.  I can't stop crying and I've totally disconnected from him in every way because I am SO unbelievably angry and resentful for the 12 years of outbursts I have endured during our marriage.  It's like everything I've been stuffing for years is bubbling to the surface and now I can't turn it off.  The outbursts have not been every day, or every week, or even every month.  They are very unpredictable, but often occur when I say something that he feels criticized about (e.g. "Did you have to yell at me that way?" or "The way you bit our son's head off is not ok!").  So, we fight about how we fight.  Which sounds ridiculous.  And the "fights" aren't really fights... more him lashing out at me, and me trying to defend myself.  This pattern has repeated itself so many times.  Almost as many times as I've contemplated leaving him.  I long for being able to have a "normal" argument, where 2 people disagree, in a normal tone of voice, and discuss the issues calmly.  Not in our home.  When I try to communicate to him how upset and resentful I am about his anger, he takes it very personally and says I make him seem like a monster.  He just hasn't been on the receiving end of himself behaving like that.  So, maybe he'll never understand how disrespected, upset, anxious, and hopeless I feel when he yells at me or one of our children.  Or how it feels to have to walk on eggshells all the time.  Coupled with a childhood full of adults yelling at each other, terrible parental modeling (from a mother who also likely has ADHD), a father who walked out, and an abusive/alcoholic stepfather, the ability to for him to change after so many years just seems unattainable.  And yet I can say with 100% truthfulness that he is such a good person, with a big heart, a love for life, an amazing, hands-on father, and devoted, attentive husband.  THAT is the person I married.  I just wish I could cut the piece of him out that can't manage his anger.  Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?  Does this sound like ADHD??  How can we move forward in counseling if I can't make my own anger and resentment go away?  Any advice is appreciated.