anger that leads to triangulation

Has anyone had a ADD spouse that has just been "angry" with them for no apparent reason (maybe that he resents that I've had to be "in control" of so many things/ He feels "parented" by me) for years/months and then continues to turn your teenage children against you-gang up on you?  My husband has shown contempt for me for years--(I can somewhat understand that he is hurt/frustrated/shamed that he can't do and initiate what he says he WANTS- to be in charge, to take over more of leadership with our boys, our family, but he just can't/won't at this time -maybe when he gets some coaching & help) and now I feel "unsafe" in my own home..At the dinner table, in the car, he will literally allow and encourage my boys or start ridiculing/humiliating me himself.  I could be asking a question, trying to get a schedule worked out, whatever, and somehow he becomes Mr. Hyde and it's dad & sons against mom.. 

In the past I have swallowed my pain, and tried to comment back--but it usually makes it worse.  Now, with the advice of my counselor, I just get up and leave the room...this is heart breaking and feels like verbal abuse!!  Since I have had to be disciplinarian-- he takes full advantage of making me the bad cop--he will even deny that we had an agreement about a consequence/ situation and cave in to the boys.. He has never been able to say no to his kids, nor follow through with any consequences or boundaries we have set, so of course, the boys look at me as the mean parent...

I have tried for months to explain how I am feeling--unsafe, and that our boys need to see us united--he even agreed to apologize to me in front of the boys--but he never has!