I have been married for 10 years and I am 33. I have 2 daughters, and I am also 3 months pregnant. He is in nursing school, and also we manage apts together for free rent. My husband says he does not have ADHD, even though he was medicated since in grade school until moving out. (it is insulting to him if I bring it up) My husband and I got into a huge fight a couple of days ago, so he is not in the home because I am considering ending the marriage. This is not the first time we have considered this. He has cheated and lied a lot in the past so I have that baggage as well. But he does have a normal caring side which when I am reminded, has brought me back to him. Because yes, all the crap that drives me away, has never gone away and at this point I feel like I am losing myself.
The fight started when he felt I was 'yelling at my daughter' He was sleeping in while I was up w/ the kids. They were in the kitchen eating while I was in the living room. I heard my older daughter say her little sister was climbing on the counter (where I had some water boiling for tea) I called from the other room, in a loud, firm.... but not what I would consider 'yelling at her' to get down the burner was on up there. He got up from bed and jumped down my throat that I cant yell at the kids whats wrong with me. Im abusive. I said easy to say for someone who gets to sleep in hours after I get up w/ the kids.... and leaves dicipline to me (cant say no unless it starts w mom said) to say Im abusive straight away without even knowing the situation? And that I didnt want her up on the counter (she is six and can follow requests like this) He said if I really cared about her I wouldnt have left the room. I really didnt want to fight with him, as I know I am the one who takes care of them the most, and I have always been there when they wake up, not him. who has even neglected to call his daughter to say happy birthday (yes I have some resentment). I didnt want to fight, I just said, well why dont you take it from here then, and I will just spend time in my room today. (since most days it is all me.... he is a nursing student, and seems hyperfocused when it comes to that, and never notices anything else.. kids, chores, routines) I thought it would be a good time for a break, plus being prego, I feel like barfing a lot. I didnt talk to him most of the day, just avoiding contact. When he finally did say something, it was okay, well now I get to go out tonight since I had the kids today, it's your turn... Im going out for St.Patricks day... News to me! He had no plans prior, or asked me how I felt about him going out on a school night for the kids, leaving me again to be the only one doing the morning stuffs... the first day back from spring break, and the time change. I said you cant do that, thats not fair to me, and Sunday night is not a going out drinking day... He said I am controlling his time with his friends, and again that not only was I abusive to the kids, that I am abusive to him as well... bossing him around. Controlling where he goes.
I felt myself boil over... This is not the first time he has tried this. Our councilor also even at one point said that she would not continue marriage counseling if he was going to say that, because there is not, and it is actually a block to work through things. (he commonly feels sorry for himself, if anyone else vocalizes their feelings, he says he has the same feeling but more so w/ out acknowledging the other one in the conversation, or digesting what they are saying) He said he was going out anyways... I said oh yeah, so Im abousive, and you are just going to leave the kids with me? He said Im not going to talk to you anymore you are crazy, and I dont have to put up with it. I said oh am I ok then, I hit him across the face.... and he started pushing me. He said I am calling the cops on you, Im taking the house, the kids, everything from you. I have proof now we are all abused! Because I slapped him?
I dont abuse him or my kids. He is the one who has slapped my daughter so hard she had a hand print on her face the rest of the day. I have hit him one other time when I found out he was cheating... it ended in him grabbing around my neck and holding my head under in the bath. (I gave him the benefit since he was drunk at the time- he doesnt get drunk anymore) But he started saying he is battered. I tried grabbing the phone and he grabbed me around the neck in a headlock when I bit him to get him to let go.. he ended up w him just on top of me trying to hit my head on the ground it seemed. I do not want the police involved, but I should have just let him call. he cannot be an RN if something like this is on his record, but since he was threatening me with it, I said I was going to document my side as well, let the chips fall where they may.... that I was done always putting his needs first... the making him study time, doubling up on everything he cant remember to do, making sure he gets to go out at least once a week (never seems to be w me//?) I needed to defend myself, even if it throws away the last 4 years of his schooling. He ripped the phone from the wall and hid it, and went to the garage to call all his family. He calls everyone and twists stories to his side. Calls his lawyer uncle and then uses threats on me, since at that point he belives his stories.
The next day was all nicey nice. I felt sick and like crying and he was just like "Whats wrong" Oh I love you! You want me to make you food? Took care of a bunch of stuff that had been put off.. even went to the bank so I didnt have to go out in the freezing, picked the kids up, which I usually do. But the next day he was all angry again, and kept telling me to get away from him I dont have to talk to you leave me alone. (I was trying to talk about him backing me up on the fact my daughter wanted to skip gymnastics to play w the neighbor) At that point I told him I just couldnt take it anymore. The swings, constantly being told I am crazy, overbearing ect. non parenting (also, apparently if you watch 48 hours you are psycho) I cant see myself having to remind him of chores constantly and never making plans for anyday beyond today... He has this way of blaming things on others, making them look bad, to cover anything. All topics become a debate. I feel like I have a teenager as the person who is supposed to build me up... and it really drags me down. Although I do not think divorce is good for the kids neither is this situation. Plus he has never lived on his own. he went from mom to one roommate who kicked him out, to grandma, to the military, to me. It might be time for him to find out. Or he might just find someone else to take care of him. I don't know life is going to get extremly hard for us, and we might get stuck living in a state neither of us wanted to stay in.... just because we cannot get along. I don't know what to do. I know I am not perfect, but I don't think I can just accept the disarray of the life I am in, added with being put down, while being told I am putting him down. (example: can you clean the bathroom? the toliet is looking nasty. thats a put down, because it is his job to do the bathroom and it is dirty...
And now today he is being nice... called to ask me out to lunch. So confusing!
Anyways thanks for reading and any thoughts on how to cope or respond to him. sorry if too much info.