(disclaimer, i type really fast causing a lot of typos sometimes lol. i am also a bit upset right now so my writing may be erratic to put it lightly)
My husband was diagnosed with ADD and depression (i disagreed with the second)
I was diagnosed with ADD and social anxiety disorder
soo we both have it...
I have learned a few ways to control some of my chaotic thinking processes as I will call them, I have found the meds helpful and I take varying dosages, I do not take the full dosage ever day and I do drug holidays to make sure I do not become dependent or addicted since it is a highly addictive drug.
My husband on the other hand seen the drugs as magic lil pills that would fix everything and kept wanting a higher dosage because he said it was not meeting his expectations yet. At this point he is on 2 anti D's and adderall.
Prior to the diagnosis and drugs we were good. We had a few kinks when we were first living together etc, but we worked past all of that and were in the best spot of our marriage, happy, no fighting, balanced well. Then everything started to downslide...it almost seemed like the diagnosis made my husband think ohhhh I am sick OMG and he got worse...and worse.....
At this point. I am exhausted every day taking care of the house (he never picks up after himself and we have a toddler) taking care of her, doing full time college and trying to work online to help pay for tuition because he refuses to let me get school loans or let me use our regular money/paycheck to pay for it. For all that I do, he has gratitude for nothing. The only words out of his mouth are negative , telling me what I do wrong, what I dont do etc. He is completely unaffectionate now, shows no love, the only emotion he shows is anger or irritation. He is increasingly more on the irritated side , when he raises his voice it is scary..his tone is so heartless and he acts like a child now.He will not accept responsibility for anything, he blames it all on me...everything is my fault, if he gets mad and says something mean to me he will say it was my fault he said it, he argues everything, then tells me he wants me to be strong if i do not clearly tell him my point back BUT will tell me i want to argue and I am controlling if I tell him my point clearly (catch 22) I can do not good for him anymore, we used to have a very good sex life ......yea..I do not want to try to seduce him now because I just cant handle the rejection anymore. His sex drive went to zero but I do think that is mostly due to the meds so I do not hold it against him, but I would be lying i fi said it is not hurting us.
The only thing he wants to do is his video game, he was always a gamer but at this point....he gets excited and passionate with his game and nothing else.....no matter what I do I am never good enough fo rhim now. he is angry, frustrated, irritated or tired.
He seems to think he is the only one in the house with some issue. I used to fight depression issues, i admit as a teenager I was a cutter...I had some rough times but I learned to recognize my irrational mood swings and used cognitive therapy to stop those. I am not perfect, I know that, no one is...so sometimes something involving my ADD etc. may bug him but I try really hard to be the best woman I can be for him and our child and I apologize if I seen that I forgot something or messed something up and I express my love for him a lot, I am very affectionate, but he just...he shuts me out now. I don't know what to do, I feel like his metaphorical punching bag anymore and he is wearing me down to nothing.
i want to talk to him about all of this , i want him to recognize how much control he has lost over his temper etc etc. but i know 99% chance he will turn it around and blame me and tell me if its so bad i knwo where the door is, then he will start talking about how bad i am and the things i do or dont do and how im not a team player or i dont put myself out their...all of the things he tells me that i dont do for him are the exact things he never gives me which i find kinda odd...example he says you dont trust me. i do trust him...he flat out tells me that he doesnt trust me (he doesnt trust anyone for that matter)
he has just spiraled down in the past year and im lost. do i tell him, do i talk to the doctor about him. i will be honest in saying i blame the prescriptions for a lot of this, we had fixed any issues we had awhile ago, we worked out the odd kinks 2 add people would have without knwoing we had ADD, we were happy....and now....now im sitting here on a computer writing a very long forum post with a lot of typos(im typing really fast) with tears streaming wondering how to get my husband back feeling scared to even talk to him about this because his anger now, i just cant take being yelled at anymore, and he says things about divorce when he's angry because he knows it will shut me up, he knows it hits my heart instantly and i will leave him alone. i have turned into an enabler in some ways, i realize this, but i dont know what to do, he was not always like this