Angry, frustrate and lost

Hello,
This is my first time that I am taking the courage to post, I am married to a ADD/ADHD person that is taken medication and pretty much affirms that he has total control of his symptoms. He just asks his family doctor to prescribe him the medication and he does self-diagnostic himself for his improvement.
We have two young kids (5 yrs and 3 yrs) and he assures me that the oldest one has ADD also.
I no longer can communicate with him and I am very angry and frustrated about my life with him. I catch myself yelling and mad at early morning until night time. My kids are getting out of control by not listening and throw tantrum everywhere including at school by throwing themselves at the floor and kicking their shoes off. At meal times they refused to sit down and they just keep the food inside their mouth and the whole process can take up to 1.5 hrs. At this point I already completed lost my patient with both of them so I time them with the kitchen timer during meals and I am very mean and my husband are accusing me of verbal abuse to my kids and that on this rate by the time the kids reach their teen years they will walk away from me and I will be by myself.
I lost my job at the beginning of the year and still have to come up with money to pay the bills which includes the mortgage, part of the health insurances, my car insurance, utilities, grocery, gas (when the family is out, we always use my car) kids clothes and toys …prior to this year he was the one that took care mostly of the finances payment and now I found out that he is in debt in his credit cards and many bills were unpaid. By now I used up all my saving to cover the bills and he wants me now to use the kids saving.
We had tried couple counseling for about 2 years and it didn’t work because I felt she was accusing me for not being supportive meaning letting him go on his hobbies venture whenever he felt like and that I shouldn’t be so concerned about hygiene’s on my kids (we had major fights about cleaning the kids teeth, when the oldest was 3 years and she would fall asleep in the car he used to put her in bed without brushing her teeth and as a result as a 5 yrs almost all her teeth has cavity and I am still paying her dental procedures now). Yes it was easy for her to say that it is okay not to brush the kids’ teeth but who has to pay the price now? Not her or her kids for sure!!!
I do not get support from his family that lives overseas; they think that he is my problem only because I am married to him. I am feeling that I am all alone in this and that as each day goes by I hate him more than anything in this world. I know I battle depression after the birth of my second child and now I take SamE daily and exercise one hour for at least 5 days a week but I now think of killing myself constantly because I can't deal with him anymore. Our marriage no longer exist, he sleeps in the sofa 5 times out of a week and sometimes he doesn’t come home until early morning, when I get mad and start yelling he looks at me and tells me “I don’t care and nobody cares” “You are my life sentence and if you leave then I might get a chance for parole” “You are a failure as a wife because you are not caring, loving and supportive” “you are only good at verbal abuse”.
I don’t believe in divorce because in my mind I will forever be bound together with him because of our kids so for me only leaving this world will give me relieve of not dealing with him anymore. I don’t have support of family or friends no one believes/know about ADHD/ADD. He tells my family that I only knows to verbal abuse my kids and I am not a good mother so I see no point of going on but still part of me can’t leave my kids on his care only. I don’t know to get help, I can’t afford individual counseling anymore ( did for 2 years before when I had a job) and he won’t go to counseling himself because he affirms that he doesn’t need only I need it.
He says that he doesn’t want the divorce but that he will never support me financially and that he will never take care of me again.
What should I do? I am scared for the next month because I have no way to pay the bills and I don’t know if he will have money from his jobs…I am maximizing everything on my credit card already and I can’t walk away from the house mortgage because the loan is under my own name…I know, I know…I am pretty stupid (that is what my mom told me).

Does anyone have a similar feeling dealing with their spouses?
 

Please do not kill yourself!

Please do not kill yourself!  That is a terrible response to your problem.  It is not a solution.  I know how awful you feel and how it seems as though you have nowhere to go and nothing you can do.  But please, call a mental health hotline and find someone to talk to.

Thank you!

Thank you for reading my post. I am too coward to purse that solution but still it cross my mind quite often and that is what scares me and he told me this morning to go ahead and do it because he can't and he won't try to stop me.

Separation!!!

Try a legal separation. It will give you time to think and to clear you mind and make a plan. You may be amazed at the peace you feel when you are away from him!!! The judge can ORDER him to pay your bills. The judge can order him to leave the house.

I understand about the counseling not working. Marital counseling doesn't help unless both people are really looking for real answers -- not loopholes.

The kids are currently reflecting the chaos in your home. Without all the chaos, they will settle down. He may even be a decent dad in some respects when he is not living with them, giving you time to yourself while he "babysits." Maybe you are forever bound because of the kids, but he may be much more tolerable when you have control of your own life and don't have to listen to him.

It is hard to look like a good mom when you are dealing with an overgrown child that doesn't have to mind you -- and that can be what it feels like to be married to an ADHD spouse sometimes. It's hard to be a good wife to someone that acts like a child.

Get away from it all. Stay with your mom or do whatever it takes to give yourself some breathing room for a month or two so you can think. Don't think "permanent solution" right now -- figure out how you can temporarily step back. If you present this alternative as giving BOTH of you some breathing room for a short period, you might even get your husband to buy in voluntarily, which would reduce your stress.

Thank you

Legal separation? I am not familiar with that, I might need to research about it but just on top of my head doesn't it depends from state to state on what the judge can or can not order? Besides....I think ADHD person are fearless they are not scared of anything or anyone so my reluctance here is even he is ordered by the judge to do certain thing he will not do it. 

Our mainly issues here right now are the finances and how to raise the kids, he believes that there are no need for rules for the kids and that I am way too much rule (like brushing teeth, certain time to sleep, no drawing on the wall, sofa, bed, chair and car).

My mom is another different issues, she has been in an unhappy marriage forever and growing was a torture for me because they fought constantly and she run away so many times but always come back saying because of us kids....now if I try to tell her anything her only response is " I had worst than you and I am still here not complaining" but every time I go to her house she complains about here life and how much she gave up for us the kids and still we are ungrateful and still marry bad people. 

Sorry for venting a little more here....

I am the ADHD spouse...

Cottonbear, 

I am the ADHD spouse...My husband the non-ADHD spouse is in control of EVERYTHING! The only thing I am suppose to do with the finances is remind him when the bills are due and file them in the binder. I never have even a small amount of cash in my pocket for anything. I am a stay at home mom, which was the agreement when we our son was born. He takes care of the bills which is fine with me...not that I couldn't he just made it very uncomfortable to ask him for the money when the bills came around so there were times it could have been late or barely on time. When I do want something like get my hair cut I have to deserve it. I want to go to counseling but he comes up with reasons why he won't, for instance, I would storm out if the counselor said something that I disagree with or he would tell me I was wrong my husband is right! When in actuality I believe he is that one that would react badly if the counselor disagreed with him and then it would be the counselor was a quack and didn't know anything! Nobody is allowed to disagree with anything he says or believes. I have left him a few times but always came back! I have threatened many times to leave again. I stay because of my son and his relationship with his father. My abusive is verbally and mentally abusive and uses my ADHD as a tool against me! I have become a person I never was before in my life, I have resorted to the same verbal assaults and name calling! I hate it! I share the same feelings as you but I'm the ADHD spouse dealing with some of the same issues! 

Thank you

Thank you for your response...

I am touched by your response because reading it I could not tell you are the ADHD spouse.

my husband tells me that I am the problem and that if my anger goes away we would be fine but how can I get my anger out if he is the one that makes me mad? 

I do too hate the person I became, I never thought that I would turn out to be this verbally engrossed person. After every fight we have I hate myself not being able to control my temper but still he always leave another scare inside of me after every fight. It seems the more I argue with him the less he listen, the less he cares and the meaner he gets....fearless. But how do I get him to understand?

do you take medication for ADHD? My husband does but I don't see much improvement on his behavior....he still attached to his cell phone every night, has a random sleep pattern, still doesn't t care about time or chorus or meeting deadlines. 

If you don't mind we can talk maybe we can help each other?!?

I work very hard...

I work very hard with my ADHD because I want to be "NORMAL!l" I began taking my medication again in Feb/March. Other than staying focused, it's hard to maintain control of my emotions with the abuse that goes on between us! I was the mellow daydreamer before, now I feel like a raging maniac living in a nightmare! When it's just me I sit and cry...I can't cry in front of him because it only escalates the verbal abuse. I do everything I can to stay in control then he says something that sends me over the edge then my rants of I'm leaving, I hate you, pacing from room to room, not exactly a pace more like a try out for some Special ADHD Olympics....I hate when I get to that point because there is no control! He has been on the phone with his mom but only after he gets me so angry and riled...His mom has tried to talk to me during these times but he is looking at me mouthing stuff, antagonizing the situation even more. Nobody can disagree with him, if they do it's not because he wrong, it's because they are on the other person's side. He says I told my family lies and that's why they don't like him...I haven't lied about anything. Once I used the wrong word saying "He is in a panic" in a text to my sister, he wasn't in a panic but his tone changed and was calmer than when I was talking to my mother and he was yelling in the background. I have always had problems in the sleep area. I wake up in the middle of the night and lay in bed for a couple hours, I don't get up I just lay there thinking about my life! I will say I am seeing a difference in our son, he doesn't seem as happy! I am usually attached to my cell but only because my husband will take it and hide it, especially if I don't answer it or hang up on him when he is trying to talk AT me. I will set an alarm as a reminder when it's time to do something, like it's close to the time to go pick up my son, I use Post-it notes to remind myself of dates of appts., calls, or anything I need to take care of or remember. I put them on the front of the cabinet door where I keep my coffee cups. Majority of the time they work, but also gave my husband something to throw at me because I can't remember like "normal" people! Like I said, I work very hard trying to keep the negative side of ADHD under control but I still have my moments! I hate not having control of myself...It's bad enough having the inability to slow down my thoughts but then having the inability to sit still when I am pushed to where my thoughts are running as crazy as I am when I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to be in control of anyone other than myself! My biggest problem is silly fibs something I really don't mean to do and not telling him something he said I should have told him! My husband says I never take the blame or accept fault, but I feel I do. He is the one who says it's all my fault he is the way he is with me!

I am willing to help in anyway I can...I don't know just how helpful I can be given I can't help myself.










 

I am sorry...

I still pretty new to this ADHD symptoms and read your post and you seems pretty much like me, I know for sure I am not ADHD/ADD because I got a brain scan and a psychiatric evaluation about 2 years ago. My husband urged me to do it because during our therapy session he would frequently say that I am the one that need help. The therapist that we were seeing implied that I was OCD/OCPD then later on the session she compared me to a porcupine ( what?!? Are you for real?). The scan came out ok, not an ADHD and definitely not OCPD. After the session with psychiatry he described me as a person and depression and a prolong post partum depression that has not being resolved, he prescribed me natural supplements and regular exercise and after a months only I went back he said he already saw improvements on my mood. Still for my husband it wasn't enough he still thinks I am the problem only and only me needs help. He refuses to go see psychiatric himself and he went to see a therapist instead that wasn't familiar with his symptoms and he come home bragging about that the therapist herself was amazed on how much knowledge it had on the ADHD and said that she discharged him. 

When I mentioned that he doesn't stay off his cell phone I meant that he is constantly on a blog about his hobby, he doesn't t use it to remind him of meeting or time to pick kids...he is actually ok on this area, so I have my doubt of how much of his action are really affected by ADHD. He is very messy but when he wants to clean he can do a much better job than I do. What bothers me the most that is his very selfish, he can take for the whole weekend for his hobby and stay away two night without calling home or giving any sign and if I call him he seeing pretty indifferent. I get really mad because he will leave early morning 4 to 5am and not come home until 9 or 10 pm two days later and the kids will constantly ask for dad but he never said goodbye to them and I have to be the one explain that he is out having fun. Other times when he decided to go bonfire at the beach with friend and we get home late and the kids are soaked in sand and we need to give them bath and the youngest one is throwing a tantrum, I am the one holding her down because she might hit her head on hard surface and she looks for him I find him in the shower and letting the older kid dead tired waiting for her teeth to be brushed so she can go sleep and I am all scratched up and wet and his response I need a shower first because I am soaked....what are you serious? Wouldn't every parents take care of the kids and put them to sleep first and then we think of ourselves? I don't understand why he always think of himself first. Or he like to plan an event with friend but I am the one that has to come up with everything, get kids ready, prepared the food, wrap everything , load in the car and he only wait to drive there and sometimes I will have to carry most of the stuffs because he his carrying a kid. 

I think the help that I was suggesting was that by talking to each other we might be able to understand a little what goes on on our spouses minds. I do question about his paycheck and what he spends on and he doesn't keep track of my expenses but if we argue then he will slash on me on what I spend and he will say that since he doesn't control me then I should control him. He is not able to meet the end needs so I think I need to understand then who will support the family then for him it is both of us....50/50. I never agreed to that but now he tells me that is how he was raised and that how he will be. What about me? I wasn't raised that way still for him I need to scratch off the way I think? 

He also told his family and my family that I am sick and I have a brain problem ( my brain won't shut down while I am resting, I am in a constant worrying zone), so his mom argue back with my mother when she confronted his mother about her son's behavior "the problem is not him, it is your daughter that has a brain sickness, she needs to get cured first in other for their relationship to be functional but that is their problem. His parents deny any financial support forward us because they call us lazy for not working night and weekend shifts in order to make money to pay all the bills, but they don't admit that he needs to get another jobs that will pay more (he got so used to a job that wasn't getting him anywhere for 10 years) and probably they are saying now that I am lazy that is why I got laid off from work that I used to work sometimes 10 to 12 hrs/day. 

I do feel that everything we talk he is on defensive and I hate being the one that always cry, when that happen I see on him the annoyance and he say I am faking it and I am a liar. Why can't he see and understand that the same amount of effort and time that he spend on reading his blog for his hobby he could be spending on us? Why can he see that I am so angry at him because he let our marriage drift away? Why can he see that if he tried to spend some quality time with the family we might be on the same page at once? Why can he accept that by being the man of the house he has responsibility? Isn't his job being the provider, the husband, the father? I am asking too much? 

 

I too am the ADHD spouse

I too am the ADHD spouse,   what both of you describe is not ADHD, it is manipulative abuse. 
The fact that there is ADHD in the mix is very much a side show. 
When a spouse uses money in this way they are using it to control you,  if you have no money then you have no  autonomy and you are therefore *dependent* on them.  When you need some money and you go to them and need to ask, they are the person with the power.  If on doing so they berate and belittle you, then what they are doing is trying to make you feel worthless by running your sense of self down so that you begin to think you are *reliant* on them because they have systematically removed your  mechanisms of self support.   This is not love it is enslavement
I know, as person who has been through a divorce with children that it is very hard to walk away. Every cell in your body wants your kids to have the chance to grow up in an environment with a mum and a dad.     However  if the kids are in an environment   where they see this kind of abuse going on they will begin to see it as a normal part of relationships.  It may well carry on in their lives to cause more untold  damage and pain to themselves and to everyone involved. Ask yourself would ever be able to forgive yourself?
Both of you are obviously caring loving people, you and your kids deserve love and happiness and a life without abuse.  Please look after yourselves .

He is the Non-ADHD spouse

My husband does not see it as abuse. He claims to be frustrated with me. I have lied to him but about really stupid stuff like, whether or not I spoke to someone or not. If I did I would say no, in my mind it was just to avoid an argument. I will hold back telling him stuff then end up blurting it out in one of my "moments!" So, just to clarify I have made my mistakes...forget to something, misplace things, jump all over in conversation, or start telling him something then I get that "Hey, look a squirrel" moment, but in my case it was a bird! He will call me stuff because he knows it will get to me, besides the usual stuff women get called, I'm told, I'm lazy, I've not done a hard's day work in my life (at one point when we first moved in together, I work 50+ hrs, going to college, and doing my internship), but that's nothing to him. He will tell me my husband that died is the one that worked and did everything...I am nothing but a roach or mooch, I mooch of him. We have a 6 yr. old child, he wanted me and I agreed to stay home with our son. Now he calls me a retard! For some reason it seems every October, something happens and I leave. One year I went to another state, last year after coming back from staying with my parents for 4 months and him telling me to "get the f*** out!" I did! I went to a shelter with my son got a protection order because in the beginning of Sept. 2011 he told me because "I don't shut up when we argue he could hurt me so bad put me in the hospital and he would go to jail". He has been physical in the past last time 2008. I went to the shelter with my son and when he woke up in the middle of the night saying he was scared not of my husband but where we were...I made the decision to get an order, which would let me and my son stay in our home. Then listening to his mother, who like me believed he would change...HA! I dropped the order! Things are definitely no better actually worse! I really believe him to be a narcissist which I have called him many many times. He said, the only reason I call him that is I think it makes me sound intelligent! He has no empathy, he never accepts any blame it's all me. I can't confide anything in him because he will use it just to hurt me in some way! I am not equal to him because I'm stupid! Yes, my son deserves better than two battling parents. I am suspected my son is ADHD and I already worry what will his life be...will his father be more accepting or feel towards him like he does me!

tazbaby06, your husband is wrong

tazbaby06,   your husband is  wrong ,  I am so sorry that you found yourself in this situation.

Some men make me ashamed to be a man.

Please don't think for a second I am trying to hold myself up as any kind of  example of virtue.   I myself  have a pretty hefty debt of  forgiveness I need to pay back to my wife, and have been working on these for a good few months and am just now starting to get somewhere.    There are  things that to me even in our darkest moments that are out of bounds.  We have children in the mix,  and we both work long hours in high stress situations, it just so happens by her choice that her hours are spent  homemaking.    Physical or emotional abuse is *never* ok for any reason, and you are *never* to blame for it.      

So,  for our money we have open shared accounts,  I never monitor, question, restrict or require permission for my wife to do whatever she needs for the funds we SHARE, right down to the last dollar.  I trust her without question.  Sometimes she will buy herself some nice clothes, some beauty products or some jewellery,   sometimes she will buy things for the garden.  This is her right. It is OUR money, not MY money. She has every right to do whatever she pleases, and I have NO right whatsoever to try to control this.    
In fact,  what I DO want is for her to have freedom and complete control over her own life, to leave her to be herself,  because  it is exactly that person I married and the person that I want in my life. 

That is not to say we don't  have quarrels over money every now and then, I am pretty sure this is normal even in the most "perfect" of relationships.      
What your husband has said to you is cruel and inexcusable.  You are not in any way a retard( an offensive term anyway) and to call you this is disgusting.

I wouldn't want to be so arrogant as to tell anyone what they should do,  but in this circumstance it seems to me you need  to work out a careful escape plan to get as far away from this dangerous situation as possible. 
To do this  you would need to find a way to squirrel some money where he doesn't know and wont' be able to find it. Confide in as few people as possible, people  with the best of intentions can let it out.   Over time organise somewhere to stay,   somewhere far away if possible. I don't know what support services are like in the states, but there must be women's groups who can help you or at least advise you.

Men like this don't change and are a loaded gun just waiting to go off,  and  they use threats and violence to control because it is the only thing they know.   You deserve better, and your son deserves better and there *are* many men out there who will treat you better.  You don't need to be in a situation where you are frightened and ashamed of  who you are,  you can stand up,  hold you head up high and  you can be proud.   *No* man has a right to make you feel ashamed or afraid.      Please be careful and take good care of yourself, I wish you all the best.

I grew up on an abusive home,

I grew up on an abusive home, I was the child that my mother took every time she run away and she promised me that we would get a better life but few weeks later we would be back because she couldn't take all her kids and everything would start over again in a couple of months until we got here in the Us and I told him if he lay ever again a hand on her he would rot in jail. I hate the memories of my childhood and all the fights.

I know it is hard and scary to be on your own with a child, I am working on that too. I am scared because I have two little one and he is saying that I am a mirror image of my father! I never hit my kids but I do think kids need discipline which will be me nagging at them to do certain thing and more recently yelling because they refuse to listen. 

Please be very careful on his threats, don't take them for grated. If you have the support from your parents go for it, ask for help. 

I'm the runner...

I always take my son when I leave and think "My God, what am I doing to him?" My husband says I run from my problems instead of facing them. When my husband told me, he could hurt me so bad and put me in the hospital and he would go to jail, he didn't mean it, it was something he said hoping it would shut me up! Instead of being afraid of failing, I should have got a job and divorce! I worry too much myself! 

Thank you

Thank you for your response.

You are right about your analysis on this kids ...I am the child that saw it has part of a relationship and I don't how to stop it. 

I agree

This is not specifically ADHD, and it does sound a lot like abuse - at least verbal abuse (possibly by both of you?)  People think that keeping a family together no matter what is "good" for the kids - but look how you describe your children - as having tantrums all the time, etc.  It sounds as if they are also under a ton of stress.  You need a way to step back from this relationship and really assess it - what can you change yourself to improve it?  What do you need to do to make sure you are safe and your children are safe?  What needs to happen to make you a freely choosing individual, not a dependent (or not a caretaker of another adult, either)?

It may be that a separation may be the way to go.  There are legal fees typically associated with this, so try doing some research on it to see what the options are for you in your state.  A separation allows you the space you might need, but it also does have emotional consequences...so do your research first.

I would suggest readings and the like, but it is very unclear from what you describe what types of readings might help you learn more about what you need to know, with the possible exception of readings about codependency.  Melodie Beatty wrote a great book on that - Codependent No More. 

Thank you

Thank you for your response Melissa.

As I stated above, yes there are certainly verbal abuse on my part because everything I say or as soon as I open my mouth my husband will say that only negativity (" you always do it" "you never get the things done") and abuse comes out of my mouth. 

I don't really see it when people says "dependent", how can I be the dependent one if I pay my own bills, I take care of myself and my kids, I don't ask him for anything. So where is the dependency? 

I am afraid financially because I have asked him for about 7 years to find a job that will pay the bills, he finally changed his job this year but the bills have pilled up and his debt is just growing. During this 7 years, he never thought his low pay job was a problem because somehow on his mind he was just thinking his salary was good enough as a single person, he wasn't counting a house mortgage and two kids on the way. 

I am frustrate and lost because the more I try to talk to him the more he is telling me that the problem is me, his latest is that I am a bipolar depressive person.  So his rebuttal for whatever situation we talk now is that I need to take care of my depression, my anger, my ADD and whatever more issues that I have. I keep searching the Internet for any of these to see if I match...and one big concern is that maybe I am ADD too! 

I feel really confused and afraid that maybe my husband is right, what if I am the only problem? What if I am the cause of all our fights and disagreement? He pointed that my whole family is negative and abusive so it runs in the family. All these get me really sad and that is why that sometimes I think what is the point of living this life but I would never walk that road. 

At this moment I can't focus anything because I am so bumped out by the job search. It seems there aren't any job coming up and the more it drags the more I feel my life, my dreams, myself drifting away from me. I never depend on him and now it seems like he distance himself more from me because I might lean on him.  I don't get a hug only a "I am sorry" over the phone when I told him I lost my job. I didn't get a sympathy from him when I miscarriage my first pregnancy only a " good that your mom was around because I wouldn't know what to do with you" and I don't get protection when I am attacked " verbally" by his family only a " hey, that is between you and them, nothing to do with me". 

I posted here to see if people has the same experience and to see if his action are indeed ADD related but I guess it is not....

Hi, Cottonbear.  I'm with you

Hi, Cottonbear.  I'm with you on this one.  I don't think you're particularly dependent. It seems that you expect that your husband will offer some support, which is part of the point of being married, I think.  Your husband is not providing that support and appears unwilling to do so.  My husband is very similar.  He has problems keeping jobs but worse, behaves in a way that suggests that he does not believe that providing emotional and financial and physical support to a spouse and children is part of what it means to be a husband and a father.   My husband claims to not be needy and points out that he does not ask for things, to which I respond that because I fulfill so many of his and our children's needs without being asked, he takes these things for granted and he, obviously, doesn't need to ask!

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

it is exactly how my husband feels that it is not his job to provide physical, emotional and financial support. He always tells me that why he is the one that need to worry about finances...never crossed his mind that I am giving my share too but not as his expect 50/50. I do provide my kids on everything they need from clothing, toys, food and doing most of the work related to them and when I ask him to pitch in more he would says "you don't clean the house" ( he mops the floor and I am tired to try to keep a house in order because for him the is no order). 

With the new job he has very odd hours so it is extremely rare that he will be home for dinner so I try to have the kids sit down for meal just to be like a family but when he is home he is watching tv so the kid won't sit down. And if I force the kids to sit down it is like I am mean mom. For him there is no rules for the kids, no consequences so therefore the kids prefer dad because mom is always no to this and that. I strongly believe that is besides the financial aspect our issues also, how to raise the kids. They will sit down at the table now when I am in the room but as soon as I walk out they will get up and play around because they know my husband will only say..." Sit down, sit down, please" and that is it. He will not follow thru to see if they will sit down and they can continue to run around doing whatever and he will not get affected by it. 

What I see the worse on him is that he act like he doesn't need me at all, like he can do all the thing that I do easily. He never appreciate that the kids a fed, clean and ready to sleep by the time he gets home. He sees it as the easiest job done but when I let him do on the days I decided to go the gym he can barely get them to drink their milk, get their teeth clean and read them a story in a 1.5 hrs spam. That irritates me that he will be arrogant enough to say "I can do easily anything".  

I think with your spouse it's not just ADD related...

I already shared that I am the ADHD spouse. I was diagnosed in 2000/01, I was 35 yrs. old. I also shared, I work REALLY hard to control "MY"ADHD everyday (I have always OWNED my ADHD). I always knew I had "problems" with time, organization, focusing, following conversations...etc..so on and so forth. I will say, I have a great deal of sympathy, I can emphasize, and I'm compassionate towards others. To be honest, I can't say whether or not what you are experiencing with your spouse is all ADD, sounds to me like something more is going on with your spouse. Your husband sounds so much like mine, he has placed many disorders or issues on me, never takes blame for anything! He is the one that found this site when "it came to him", he needed to learn about ADHD. AND let me tell you he learned a lot! I am not meaning that in a positive way neither! He knows what will trigger me into a moment of uncontrollable behavior not like cheating, going to a bar or anything like that, sorry that is controllable behavior (IMO). In the past when something would happen I would take the angry or negative energy, and begin cleaning frenzy! I remember one gal I worked with years ago, shared some gossip and regretted it because for the next hour or so we scrubbed walls, washed curtains, and whatever else I felt needed to be cleaned! She remarked afterwards or during about forgetting when I got mad, I would clean. NOW when this uncontrollable energy hits and I begin very quickly (almost frantically, I have dubbed it being the ADHD Special Olympics) pacing from room to room my husband will begin his verbal attacks. Then I would announce I am leaving then he would follow me right behind me, most of the time antagonizing the situation instead of letting me collect myself. Then the insane packing would begin! He has even got on the phone with his mother, mocking me or whatever else, act innocent, which would make the "moment" that much worse. I hate, really hate that feeling! My mind is racing right along with my body. Does he stop? Not really! He now will ask if it's an ADD moment! We had yet another "episode" over the weekend! I am pretty much done now! Unfortunately, I don't work outside the home! If I did I would take my son and never come back! I really think my husband is a narcissist and of course being who and how I am I have told him that several times!

When Melissa mentioned codependency, it's not the same as being "dependent."

I remember a friend of mine asking if I was codependent, according to the following list...YES!!

People with co-dependency may...

have trouble saying no.
have trouble asking for help.
tailor their actions and conversation around getting attention and approval from others
feel inferior to others/hold a lot of self-doubt.
have high expectations from others, most especially from significant others, and usually get highly angry or irritated when they don't meet those expectations.
focus a lot of mental time and attention on other people, especially significant others.
have difficulty maintaining a stable relationship with a partner.
be in and out of highly volatile (big ups and downs) relationships.
be uncomfortable when not in a relationship.
be frequently depressed.

Here are a couple of sites that seem to explain codependency pretty good!

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-r...

 

Tazbaby,  to me  It’s like

Tazbaby,  to me  It’s like this:   you are taking your child because you love him and want him to be safe,   because in your heart of hearts you know that a home with threats and abuse on is no place for a child.
Because you bought this child into the world, grew him, nourished him, got up at night to comfort him, soothed him when he was sick, then it is only natural that you want the best for him.  There is no reason for you to feel bad about doing this; this makes you a loving, caring mother, for this you should be mighty proud.

One thing to understand is that living with long term abuse takes away your own view of who you are,  so now you question what you are doing and if it is right, and you are blaming yourself for  it and you feel guilty.     Ask yourself, if you are scared  of the reaction how can you face the problem? If you live in fear then what can you do?  You are not the problem, how can you fix it by staying or working harder?  You may think that you are causing him to be like this, that if only you were a “better” wife then he would not be like this.    Well just take a step back for a second if you can and think about this.

  • Real love does not threaten.
  • Real love does not try and control.
  • Real love does not seek to devalue.
  • Real love does not deliberately hurt.

If a man wants to make a woman dependent on them they do this:

Control money: this takes away independence and makes the women dependent on the man, this closes off any avenues of escape and leaves you feeling stranded and hopeless with nowhere to go.   Ask yourself, why did he not want you to work??  Was it because he did not want you to have your own money????

Threaten or actually BE violent:  this makes the women fearful of what might happen if she questions or agues, it stops her standing up for herself, in this way that the husband’s word becomes law, he is therefore in his own mind validated in what he is doing.

Make you feel responsible:  He may make out that what you do or how you talk is the reason he is violent or threatens you.   He does this to make *You* feel responsible for the violence, he does this so that he in his own mind can blame *you* for his behaviour (he probably even tells himself it’s not *his* fault) This lets him of the hook and it makes you feel guilt and shame.

Threaten or BE Violent and then make out it was a joke or that they are very sorry and that it will never happen again:  they do this because pretending it was a joke or saying sorry plays on you *wanting*  you to give them the benefit of the doubt and you *wanting* things to be good. They are then in their own mind free to keep doing it because you have forgiven them.   

Use guilt:  if there are children in the relationship a man may use them to make the spouse feel guilty, he may make out that they are a bad mother, and/or a bad wife.

All of these things do one thing: they leave you feeling that you are to blame and that you cannot possibly get away; they are the reason that many, many an abused spouse return to an abusive relationships.   They strip you of the person that you were and the strength that you have had and they leave you feeling you have nowhere to go.    

Tazbaby it does not have to be this way, when you say:    “I should have got a job..”   it says to me that you are talking in the past,  that his manipulation has you feeling that you cannot now get a job and stand up and be counted. You can, you are strong,  at present you may not see this clearly,   but here you are, questioning and asking other people on this forum, this says to me you know what he is doing is not right.   Please believe me when I say, “this is not your fault” there is nothing you have done to deserve  this, nothing at all, you and ONLY you can make things better.    

And finally please be very, very careful!  When you say ” When my husband told me, he could hurt me so bad and put me in the hospital and he would go to jail, he didn't mean it, it was something he said hoping it would shut me up!”   it reminds me of a saying we have over here; “most shooting incidents happen with unloaded guns”     meaning you think he doesn’t mean his threat,  but is it worth waiting for him to pull the trigger to find out?     

I really wish you the very best, actually I wish I could teleport you out of there to somewhere nice where you don’t have to feel afraid to be you.

You take care.