Angry to hopeful to resentful to rage

I have been pretty hopeful in the past weeks things were starting to get better.  My husband was given Ritalin without the diagnosis he says and it helps but I can't seem to let go of the rage that has built up over the years.  I go from 0 - 120 enraged over even the littlest things. Today I am in full rage and I hate it.  I just want to be happy and enjoy my life but I feel the the kaos that surrounds me is stifling.  My husband has anger outbursts that are scary, well they used to be anyway now I challenge him.  He remembers none of what he has done or said so he is never to the point he feels bad but he will turn every single incident around on me which is such a blast!  He is the "victim"  whatever.  I don't go for the blame thing I just want a working solution but with him everyone is the blame but himself and he has a million and 1 excuses for everything.  Sometimes he yells at me because he is mad at himself.  If anyone can figure that one out let me know. He completely ignores me always on his phone texting or his computer.  Always says it's work but he also lies A LOT so who knows.  I used to care and snoop now I am like whatever.  He is always late, forgets everything. needs to constantly be mothered which he refers to as "teamwork" makes HORRIBLE decisions that I have to live with. It is never a good time to talk something is always more important and he only hears me if I bitch and nag.  I hate who I have become my self-esteem is at an all time low.  Mostly because if we do go out with friends he always picks apart my behavior and tells me how I humiliated him usually when i am drinking. Then proceeds to overexagerate what happend to the point I have isolated my self from most of our friends and neighbors.  I am learning now he has actually made stuff up to make me look and feel worse.  He once told me all his friends thought I was a "f'ing B" lovely and another time his friend took something I said out of context and I got yelled at for it - long story but it was bad.  I am pretty much no longer friends with any of his friends.  I stay home with my kids 2 and 4.  I had a creeer but had to give it up and turn down a promotion so he coulk take one of those "If this pans out I'll make a million" deals.  Were on the 5th one of those now in debt and stuck in this cycle of what I feel like is Hell.  I swear I am not a bad person.  I used to be fun, funny, the life of the party a friend to all and as supportive as can be.  I used to be loving, affectionate all those wonderful things now I am cold, angry, can't stand to be touched well except by my kids and crave positive attention of any form but am so insecure I am constantly replaying every conversation in my head to make sure I didn't do or say anything.  It's exhausting.  I am at a loss.  I really am.  I could go on for days so I better stop here.  I think everyone knows the traits of an ADHD husband and how lonely and angry it can get.  

DF's picture

Greetings!

DMB - Hope you don't mind me shortening your name, it's just something I do here.  I won't if bothers you.

Hope today is a bit better for you seeing as how its been a few days since your outburst.  That's all well and good and getting some feedback can be like a breath of fresh air.  So here I am to try.

"...I used to be fun, funny, the life of the party a friend to all and as supportive as can be.  I used to be loving, affectionate all those wonderful things...."  -> News flash!  You still are.

There is a common trait it would seem among ADD(HD) personalities and that is "selfishness".  Your husband sounds a bit extreme, but who am I to judge.  Might I ask what you do for release?  What do you do for you?  You have two young children and that's a really cool age to meet other parents at parks or other community functions.  Scheduling walks with a stroller or play dates might help with establishing new friendships that your husband has no role in.  From the sounds of your description of his friends, they're nothing to lose sleep over.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that maybe if you had something more that you could do for you so that you have your happy place to go when you're angry.  Sounds corny, but if there's one thing I've learned the past few months it's that is anger is too darn easy to achieve, but not as easy to get out of.  I read your first blog and you sounded tired, yet hopeful.  Here you just sound angry.  Perhaps some of that anger is failed attempts at trying to "make" him see he has ADD(HD).

It's a push-pull dynamic really.  You see the problem clear as day and he believes you're insane for the suggestion.  The thing about ADD(HD) for some, is that even though it's not a disease, it gives people pause to think they are disfunctional.  Being told you are disfunctional from a loved one can be misinterpreted as acusational and that can hurt.  Not knowing how to be adult about having ADD(HD) can cause that person to lash out on the loved one unfairly.  DMB, sounds like you care enough to want a better life with your spouse, but the problem is he needs to accept it.  You'll see that a lot in these forum and there's a reason for that.

Your spouse accepting he has ADD(HD) and getting meds is only part of it.  Always being selfish has a way of trying to push the hard stuff on to other people.  Your spouse sounds real selfish to me so he may not be as easy to convince he needs more work.  There's much to repair when you're here in the "Anger" forum.  Not all meds work on the first try, but do you at least see improvement in his behavior?  If he truly accepts the uphill battle to repair the rift between you it will be very difficult for both of you.  He's going to mess up occasionally as old habits die hard and you're going to be reminded of, well, what you posted about above....

I do hope he can recognize that he may have this issue and work to address it.  It's not fun to have the insecurities associated with having ADD(HD) as the common theme is failure.  Just know that failure is a lifetime achievment award your spouse has been running from his whole life.  The mere sign that he's failing you could have something to do with some of his poor behavior.  Learning you have ADD(HD) late in life can be like learning to dance - he may never win any dance contests, but if he can have fun trying - you can too.

Thank you for your response.

Thank you for your response.  It had been so long I'd logged off.  Since that post I have begun to go to the gym and refused to let DH schedule interfere with mine.  If it's on the board it is solid if something else comes up the other person is responsible for finding a sitter.  I will no longer cancel plans or be a safety net.  I am regaining my life.  I feel like a drill sergeant. I am just firm and to the point.  I used to say no to almost everything I was invited to in fear DH would hold it over my head or not take care of the kids properly.  Now I could care less, take it, hold it, that's yours to keep.  My kids will be fine. They may not have a bath or the best dinner but they will be fine. 

I think my changeing point was going to the Dr. I've not been feeling well I assumed it was stress but my Dr. is not so sure.  She ordered a CA 125 - for ovarian cancer.  I have no test results yet.  I told DH while he was getting ready for a 5 day business trip.  His response - "can you wash my jeans they are my favorite?"  He has 8 pairs.  While away I had to phone him, he still has not asked how I am doing or about the test results. I know, I know it's ridiculous to expect him to ask I can just tell him but still.  I know he does not mean it he knows no other way to be.  The problem is the constant he says"I get it" "I am a work in progess" "I'll get therapy" "I'm in, I'm with you"  And all the other BS response he gives with no follow up.  It's like ground hog day here.  I could tell you what he will SAY and then what he will DO which is nothing.  Every conversation is an argument. I say"Why is your suitcase sitting in the middle of the floor still?" He says"Oh I didn't want to put the dirty clothes in the laundry since they were empty"  WTH are you talking about I asked about the suitcase and the clothes bin has been almost full since you've been home.  I say "Do I need to stop at the store for pumkpin cookies?" He says "The boys are doing really well eatting dinner"  Okay so do I have to stop or not YES OR NO!  Got hung up on.  Or He says "Meet me at ???" Okay get there they are closed.  So I call "oh"  I say "Don't you know their hours? You go here a lot" He says "I forgot. go here instead"  Same thing happens the next 2 times.  Mind you he is not driving he's just spitting out names that come to his mind while I drive around like a crazy person. Almost 1 hour later I find someplace by now I am so frustrated I just want to go home.  He shows up says hi and proceeds to ignore me.  You know the people sitting on the opposite side are much more entertaining than I am, of course so I leave.  Been a stone wall ever since. I guess I am still angry just not yelling crazy more cold organized.  Does that even make sense?? 

DF's picture

Yes it makes sense to me

Part of my being here is finding clues to my own behavior over the past and not just in my marriage alone.  I can't always hear what my wife is telling me and it takes me having to think about it for long periods to actually get it - if I ever do.  Difference now is that my wife doesn't tell me anymore, she's angry too and it's up to me to grow up and figure it out on my own.  I'm here because I still need help finding the car keys, so to speak.  I'll try to give some perspective, right or wrong, on what your saying above.....

For me, there's been a long running fear of failing my wife.  My world revolved around making my wife happy and I could see that I was failing.  As the years were passing I was still not accomplishing the plans we set together.  My frustration mounted in the form of sarcasm and that didn't help anyone.  I became distant for periods of time and my wife questioned my devotion to her.  It's not that I didn't care how she was doing or feeling, I just didn't want to be reminded of how i wasn't making her happy.  I'm also aware that I took her for granted.  I didn't want to believe there was a problem and somehow was able to believe that.  When my wife was having health issues due to stress and anxiety, she was very concerned.  I treated it as though she had a common cold.  I didn't believe the seriousness of the situation.  I don't know why.  It still causes me anguish thinking about my behavior.  I guess I believed that if I acted like nothing was wrong she would think things would be okay and that she was just over reacting.  I just don't know for sure.  Maybe my fear of failure played a part.  Maybe I thought that if I showed her I was worried she would see me as weak and realize she really couldn't depend on me.  It could be that, but again I can't really say.

I've never been much of a liar because I don't have much respect for dishonesty so I demand better of myself.  I do know that when I was wrong in the face of my wife it was just another time I let her down.  Being forgetful is frustrating, forgetting something that's important is downright agonizing.  I don't know that I said anything here that makes any sense, but I hope there's something in there.  I'm more aware now that my approach over the years was wrong and I've been working on trying to find a newer and better approach.  I'm working on being happy with who I am so that I can stop depending on my wife to dictate my level of happiness.  I don't know if it's working for our relationship, but it is helping me and my relationship with our kids. 

I'm sorry to hear about your health.  I hope the news on the test result is negative for OV cancer.  My aunt has it.  Positive or negative, your spouse needs to be a partner for you.  I wish you the very best.

Thank you for your insight it

Thank you for your insight it is helpful and for the well wishes.  I have organized a date night tonight.  I have made sure it will be away from a TV in a booth with no one directly next to us so he can focus and I can't leave saying "see I knew it he just ignores me". I am going to attempt to break out of my mono-statuestic behavior as of late and let go.  A lot of it is this huge wall i built just in case my test comes back positive I will have to take care of everything alone and I can't loose it now or I will be useless. I am terrified but I also think I am overreacting if I feel scared so I push it away. When my oldest was diagnosed with Autism I was alone.  I would have bet money that DH was going to come home right away.  He played golf the night before  I figured that was his way of dealing with it and he would be there for us day of. NOPE he actually worked late and I had a really hard time keeping to together 5 months pregnant and taking care of a 2 year old. I know better now.  I am trying weather or not he is remains to be seen. It sure does not look like it and it is getting old really old.   Hopefully tonight goes well and hopefully the Dr. calls not sure if that's a good sign or bad.  I'm going to go with good for now! Thanks again it really does help.

Not only do I hope your

Not only do I hope your datenight goes better than you could have hoped, I am praying that you get good news from the doctor soon! I don't think there is anything harder than getting past the reality that you feel so very alone when you need a partner the most. (((HUGS))) Please keep us posted.

Sherri

Welcome to the family.   As

Welcome to the family.   As you will see as you continue to read, you are not alone and many of us still experience anger, hope, resentment and rage on a daily basis. 

Thank you! Somewhat a relief

Thank you! Somewhat a relief although i would not wish this level of frustration and anger on anyone~