Angry, lost, scared and abused

I don't know where to go anymore.  16 years of putting up with my husband. 16 years of the same patterns of arguments every hour every day every week. 16 years of the lying, deny, distort, deflect. 16 years of the "I never said that", "If I did than it's your fault", "what my INTENTION was was more important than what I actually did/said".  16 years of not listening to a conversation or pretending to listen only to devastate me later by saying "ha, I wasn't even paying attention to that conversation we were having".  After 16 years of chopping my head off (verbally) and throwing me to the ground (verbally) or punching me in the face (verbally) because I DARE say that he had done something to hurt me.... After 3  years of our young sons saying "Mommie, why does papa never do what he says?" "Why does papa keep changing his mind" "I don't know what to do because papa is confusing".  After two months of reading these forums in tears, after one month of my husband on meds now the "KING" of his ADD (heh was diagnosed as in the top 5% and perhaps totally "off the charts" on adult ADD by his psychiatrist"), after 16 years of no social life because if my husband and I go out in public, he blabs out random sh*t which inevitably is negative for me and makes him look good (but is random and not true).  After 16 years of being afraid to tell him anything about me, my life or my emotions because in some random burst of ADDness all of my personal business will be told to everyone all the time.  After 16 years of absolutely NO emotional support because he can't follow a conversation or if he does, when I refer to it later, he has no recollection of it. After four 2 hour long abusive sessions after he hurt me twice (and then as usual manipulates himself into the victim position....


This afternoon, after 16 years, I found myself running out of the house dropping to my knees, tears streaming down my face, and praying to God to help me, to show me a sign to tell me what to do.  I don't know what to do anymore.  After his daughter died 2 years ago, I thought he would wake up. 3 weeks before she died I had a premonition and told him that our marriage was so bad because of his behaviors, that I was about ready to divorce him. I also told him that day that if his daughter died, I our marriage would not survive as he and all of his crises and issues had dominated EVERY ASPECT of my life for 14 years and the death of his daughter would make that domination complete.  I will NOT go into therapy with this man, as this is HIS problem and I have definitely  decided that he and his ussues will no longer dominate MY life.  it is not a relationship problem.  We are NOT in this together.  He was nuts before I met him (as his first wife) and he will always remain nuts.  It is just a matter of how much I let his craziness dominate my life.


Now, here we are two years later.  I get angry everytime I read advice about the non-ADHD partner's complicity in the "loop".  This "expert has apparently never ran into my husband.  it is not his ADHD, it his his EXTREME narcissism  and selfishness that is destructive.  I have to say that the advice given to non-adhd spouses often seems to me very condescending, as if they have to save their marriages at all costs.  That is not true.  No woman should try to make a marriage work for financial reasons or because of the kids.  (we both have 7 figs in the bank (separate accounts because even when we married, I didn't want him to have access to my funds).  You demean women by convincing them that it is a good thing to make these crazy marriages work.  Screw the marriage and take care of yourself.  Would you give the same lame advice to women who were physically abused by their spouses? "Go to counseling, make it work, it's also your fault, too".....  Marriage counseling in this case would be just another way for my husbands whacko jacko issues to dominate MY life.  Yes, we all have issues, but mine are none of his business and his are none of mine.


I am staying married for the following main reasons:  no one outside of the marriage has any clue what this sociopath is like...he has spent all of his energy on keeping up this image and uses that in fights all of the time ("no one else thinks I have a problem"). When I point out to him that he has no friends and his family lives on the other side of the ocean.  The reputation damage I would have by leaving him would be far greater than any emotional damage I would have by just staying "married" but going my own way and isolating him and his behavior.  Also, he is 16 years older than me and will hopefully die sooner.  I also will NOT leave him and give him the energy and reason to go pouting to the world that he is again the "victim" (as he did with his first wife after driving her to drink with his insane behavior").  I look at him every day and see a person I despise and hate, but I will not give him the pleasure of playing vicgtim to the world....


Sorry for the long post, but today was my breaking point and the advice given on this forum about "how to make your marriage works" I just find really demeaning, too simple and actually sounds like some evangelical "marriage is a scared institution" bs.

Sorry, but it has been a long 16 years.