Angry Outburst This Morning

Sometimes it is not good to just keep handling things and accepting unfairness and accepting negligence and lowering your expectations to accept irresponsibility and lack of love and doing extra work yourself because someone is not willing/able to do their share. Sometimes things are unfair and you just WANT change even if you know you can't change them to be the way you would like. 

I used to be fun and a good mom and a good wife.  Strong and smart and funny and dependable and had lots of friends.  I used to enjoy so many things and feel good most of the time. I was talented and a team player. What happened to me?  I don't have the confidence I once had.  I don't have the sense of humor or even appreciation for things I once had.  I am irritated and tired. I worked too hard. I am lonely and suspicious. I feel ugly and probably look it. I am overwhelmed with financial worries even though I am educated and worked very hard and saved and invested.

Sometimes an angry outburst is necessary just to remind yourself that you are alive and you need to be heard.  It sometimes ISN'T WRONG to be angry and let it show! It IS WRONG to be nice in some situations.

Stuffing and compromising is not good for your SOUL!  I have passion and emotions and feelings and pride!  I get to find and enjoy the happy, carefree, personable, lovable soul that was in my body somewhere long ago.   It is not going to happen if all I do is manage and quietly compromise. I AM ANGRY and not backing down!  FINALLY - GLORY BE!

I am angry and I know it and

I am angry and I know it and I own it.  I have a soul full of passion and loveliness that is about to shine all over this town.  I don't care if DH tries to kill me or pull my name through the mud or make me a bag lady.  I have not seen my own spirit for a long time.  Not sure how to get it back --- and I may die or humiliate myself trying to find it but .....NO MORE HIDING BACKSTAGE WORKING FOR THE STAR FOR ME!

I totally agree with you.

I totally agree with you.  Sometimes expressing anger is the right thing to do.  

Pbartender's picture

Damn straight.

There is nothing wrong with righteous anger.

Oddly, with only very small changes, this is something I could have written...  I am angry with the person I have turned into (exactly the sort of person that you, too, have described yourself as). I am angry at myself for not being able to recognize and control my ADHD for all those years. I am angry at the seeming unfairness of not being given one more chance by my wife now that I actually have the opportunity, the tools and the motivation to truly change.

It's time to go back to being the person I was meant to be.

 

Pb.

I am so angry too...angry

I am so angry too...angry from all the years of..oh everything, and i don't like who i have become. I think my relationship will be coming to an end soon and on one hand its what i want but on the other i wish things would just get better, but it wont get better if things don't change and not just my H, but me also. I know i have so much anger and i just don't know how to let it go. I am fine when everything is calm and going ok but it takes one slip from my H (which happens daily) and I am angry all over again.  I don't like him anymore even though once upon a time he was the air I breathed, how did it get this way ? How do you move on in either direction ? i just don't know i feel so stuck...  I'm trying to 'not be responsible for him' and not try and change him, blah blah blah...  I just want to change me now, I don't want to be angry anymore, but he is like a pebble in my shoe always there annoying me everything he does and says gets on my nerves now..i can't stand it.  I don't want to be a floor matt and i never will be thats just not me I just am tired of being angry.  I'm tired, rambling and feeling hopeless tonight.

H*U*G*S to you funnyfarm

Just read your post.  I was about to post ​the same exact thing, ​but currently don't have the energy or brain cells to do so.

Every single thing you say is MY LIFE as well.  Can't say I didn't try, But when I recently read Co-dependent No More, AND am having to endure his rapid decline after the 4 month Heaven that Adderall initially gave him, I have come to the conclusion I am a lost and battered soul.  Nothing will make me the person I used to be.  That kills me, because I was a smart, strong, self confident woman..........well, now I doubt the smart part, if I allowed someone to do this to me :( :( :(

Stay strong.  You are NOT alone.  We have to get out of this, get away from this daily/hourly sometimes minute by minute MADNESS called marriage with an ADHD partner and "get our groove back"......I pray it can be done.  I wish you only the best.

Thanks for the hug, haven't

Thanks for the hug, haven't had a hug in a year I would guess...so F*KING lonely sometimes....  I knew he was a pessimist when we were dating, he was so intense it was sort of exciting, I was the optimist, life had everything to offer, people on a whole were good, couldn't wait to get married and have a family..oh the pretty picture, got married at 30 and everything changed. What I hate is I now think I have become a pessimist....I would never recommend marriage to anyone...I think of telling my boys Don't get married, for I see the same meek future for them..isn't that horrible...  Can pessimism be learned, can it be unlearned.  I hate how bitter and resentful I am. I can be my 'old' funny, happy go lucky self sometimes with my friends who i rarely see, because I don't have time, or more often don't have the energy.  How can marriage suck the life out of you ? Honestly I don't know anyone who is 'happily' married but is everyone as miserable as we are ?  I know some of my loss of self has to do with two AHDH kids, who I love dearly, but who I also want to run from on occasion when everything is just Crazy. I envy people i know who have 'normal' kids...that sounds horrible but people who can tell their kids go take your shower and get ready for bed...and they actually DO....I swear my kids are 5 years younger than their actual age, I still need to 'get them in bed' so to speak because they would be up until 2am if i didn't corral them into their rooms. It F'N exhausting....ok i'm rambling again. It hasn't been a very good weekend, not that any are good but some are worse than others.

I wish you the best too, and all of us living mirrored lives, that we can get out of this with some skin still intact.

Wow, ME TOO!!!

I used to be happy, talented, outgoing, have lots of friends, feel attractive... future was so bright....  I was confident, things were going great...

Now I too am lonely, feeling ugly, not getting hugs or affection of any kind, telling my kids to brush their teeth and they don't do it, like the post above....

I am overwhelmed and feeling overworked.  I'm exhausted, irritated, I am suspicious of everything too....  and worried about finances....I'm educated...

I am alive and I need to be heard.

I am angry too.  Because all of it is my fault.... and even with everything I'm doing, it's still not enough.  It will never be enough.

I wouldn't recommend marriage to anyone either (forget who posted that one at the moment).  I wouldn't blame my DH if he left, and indeed sometimes wish he could find someone who CAN make him happy.

Rejoice in the knowledge that you are free.  You are normal.  I don't know why so many Non-ADDers stay -  there is NOTHING in your way should you choose to be free.  I am not saying this because I'm angry.  I'm not saying it because i'm lazy and think, 'well, dang that's what i would do if I were normal!"  I am CERTAINLY not dispensing any marital advice... I am truly just dumbfounded by it.  By what I read here and by my DH's behavior towards me, I just don't understand it.  I've even asked him point blank:  "WHY did you stay?"  the response:  "I dunno.  I just did."

WHY?!

WHY ?  I stay for my

WHY ? 

I stay for my children, period. I know it would devastate them if the family split.  At least thats where I am at now and have been for about 10 years.  If the kids were grown and out of the house would I stay, hell no.  However, IF the kids were gone (or never had kids) would we be where we are....maybe not.  I think when we had kids every demand and responsibility tripled...and all on me.  Sure we had some problems before kids, but not like this. He still does what he wants, when he wants, nothing changed for him. So when they are out of the house will I stay, no... not the way things are now...and in a few more years when they are grown I cannot see how I will ever be able to just put the past 20 years behind me and say 'OK now its just us lets enjoy each other'.

The Kids

are the reason for most people staying together....

I wonder, though, if it's really beneficial to them, or do we teach them all kinds of twisted behaviors as a result of their witnessing our relationships?

Yes, responsibility triples after kids arrive.  And in my case it is also all on me.  The person who is terrible at everything necessary to handle taking care of kids.  DH's life, like your DH's life did not change at all.  He still does what he wants, when he wants.  What did change?  All my faults are magnified.  It is exponentially more difficult for me to find any kind of employment, my self worth/self esteem tanked.  DH is exasperated because I'm not handling everything the way I should, not earning enough money....I am worried about what my daughters are learning from my marriage.

quote from DD#1 the other day:

And saying stuff like:  "Well, my mommy doesn't work.  She just cleans."  I am constantly reminding her that I DO work.  I just don't get PAID for the work I do at home.  AND i remind her constantly that just because I don't have ONE place with an office that I go to, that when I teach the lessons/classes I teach that I DO get paid for that and am not just doing it to be nice.

I'd like to find out what percent of household help, if any, would be fair to request.  I understand that if I earn nothing oustide of the home, that I cannot request help, but... as my outside of the home work increases, at what point can I ask for help?

One thing my DH said once was that if anything happened to me he'd 'be screwed' so at least he acknowledges that I do have a function in his life as a housekeeper & nanny.  He insisted I get life insurance, even though I don't earn much money, because if I died, he would have to pay for childcare.  So I guess that's some kind of backhanded compliment.

Otherwise, I don't understand why he stays with me...

Someone on the forum said she was testing her ADD husband by seeing how long it would take him to start a conversation with her because she feels it's always her initiating conversation.  Well, I haven't officially decided to test my DH, but... I'd say it's been months or perhaps even a year since he asked me how I was doing or started a conversation about anything that wasn't logistical. 

 

 

i cannot even fathom how hard

i cannot even fathom how hard it must be to have ADD AND be expected to do all the usual household chores AND child care that Women are EXPECTED to do. I do have a full time paying job that I must say at times I feel like quitting to be able to manage the task of raising my 2 kids, running the house, running them to ALL their appts and activities. Its all I can do some days not to drop any of the balls I am juggling.

I am sure our home environment is not good for the kids either...but my son over heard my H and I talking about 8 months ago about maybe getting a divorce, he came into the room and said if you get a divorce I'll kill myself, ugh !!  Not that I think he really would but that showed me just how much he would not want that to happen. besides if we were to split, that would also mean that my H would have the kids by himself every other weekend or whatever the norm is.... that scares me too. he is neglectful, there have been times he was supposed to be watching them and wasn't, like when they were in the pool swimming...i came home and found him asleep on the couch.  A month ago he had my son and i wasn't home, it was up to my H to give my son his meds...he gave my son HIS meds not my sons..luckily they take the same meds, BUT my H's are nearly double the strength of my sons...he didn't see what the big deal was, and I was like You could have killed him....and there have been other things, not intentional just absent minded stuff

What percent of help should you expect, I have no idea...I can't get my H to do any of the household chores or child care, he does cut the grass and do some of the more 'manly' maintenance stuff, but the day to day never ending monotomus stuff, nope.

Your daughter sounds young by that comment...that may just be a normal little kid comment because they have no idea what their parents do for a living. My kids when little would say things like that but only because they didn't know any better, and I have always worked, but when they see me I am home so they just didn't put two & two together..heck sometimes it seems they still forget that I work and expect me to drop everything at any moment and be ale to do whatever they want, or go where ever they want.  I can say though I used to pay a cleaning person $20 and hour to clean my house, and that did not include child care...so if you can't ask for a percentage of time/help maybe you can say that monetarily you should be earning a decent paycheck.  Why doesn't your H get life insurance for you ??  I have life Ins for myself and my H, so that if something were to happen to either of us, the other could get the help needed with care and bills.   hmm speaking of I need to hire a new cleaning person again, my previous one got another job 3 years ago, and I must say it would REALLY help me out if I found a new person.

We never have conversation either. small talk is all, and very little of that too.  the only time we talk is when I am at my witts end and sit him down and say, things need to change or you need to move out...he improves for a month or so and slides back into old habits.

Mother's instinct...

Ok - I might wash my cell phone (4 of them - the first one even went through the dryer as well) but I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER fall asleep on the couch if my kids were in a swimming pool.  Just the other day, my two were outside in a kiddie pool (4 inches of water) they are 5 and almost 3.  They can both stand of course in the water and there probably WASN'T any issue - but I insisted that my DH go outside to keep an eye on them.  He looked at me like I was crazy.  But he went out there - after I assured him that he could still pick up the wireless signal on his iPad....

I have a different wish than you:  I wish I could go back to having a full time job so that I have the security of knowing my kids are in capable hands (at childcare and/or school, and not in MY hands).  There is exponentially MORE housework when the house has a toddler in it all day.  (toys everywhere, kitchen to clean up 3 or 4 times a day, play doh ground into the rug....)  Also - if I had a full time job and decent salary/benefits I would regain the respect of my husband - not to mention society in general.

When I worked in advertising years ago, I was floored by a mom's choice to hire a full time nanny and stay at work rather than stay at home with her kids. She claimed that staying at home was too overwhelming and when she tried she had panick attacks that could only be controlled with heavy medication.  The only thing that made her feel better was getting away from her kids, and putting them in someone else's hands.

Now I get it.

But... all that said, I believe I'm doing well with my kids.  Especially with the medication.  My kids are healthy, and I've managed to prevent my older daughter from dying of Anaphylaxis (allergic to nuts and ALL dairy).  Indeed, my Non-ADHD husband sent her into a reaction when he put regular milk on her cheerios a few years ago.  She'd taken a bite and i'd walked in the room and could tell by the way the liquid in the bowl looked that something wasn't right.  I said, "Um.... what did you put on her cheerios?" 

We DO have life insurance on me.  That was my husband's idea, which I found flattering/surprising because it meant that maybe he valued me for SOMETHING.

One bleak conversation we had last year about our marriage was that it was most likely dead, but he couldn't afford to pay child support and I couldn't afford to rent a place to live so we realized that the easiest solution would be for  him to hire me as a live in nanny.  That way it would be cheaper for both of us.  Then I said, "oh... wait... that's what we're doing now..."  But of course without the inconvenience of exchanging money...

*sigh*

I am so sorry you feel your

I am so sorry you feel your children aren't in capable hands, it sounds like they are in fact in capable hands but you are overwhelmed. So am I. My kids are now older than your BUT they STILL leave toys, food, shoes, clothes, everywhere, and last night I had a FIT i had just spent hours and hours cleaning the house and their disgusting bathroom when i walked in and my son had written on the wall mirror in toothpaste, WTF !! he is 14...seems to take ADHD kids A LONG time to grow up, he acts more like he is 8.   I don't really want to keep my job, its what keeps me sane, and i like having the security of not being financially dependant on anyone....but managing it all is SO hard.

My son has nut and other food allergies too, i also saved him one night when his mouth/throat were swelling up from something he ate. My H still doesn't read the labels when he buys things, and has given my son a power bar full of nuts, HELLO???  Luckily my son knows the things he is allergic too and now can say "I can't have this"...duh..

Hire you as a live in nanny - wow.  I'm not sure if thats an insult or a compliment..guess you can take it either way.

Its odd, it seems alot of us have so many similar issues whether be it the ADHD person or the non-ADHD person...so are some of these unacceptable behaviors REALLY ADHD, or just really bad personality traits ??

pushed too far, maybe...

I think in my case, my ADHD started off as charming to DH - but the typical behaviors over the years pushed him too far.  I had a fling 13 years ago with someone who was kind of a mentor, (much older) boss and colleague combined.  The physical aspect was one day, but it was years of pain for DH and me.  He stayed with me though and nearly 8 years later my first daughter was born.  It was only then that the trouble REALLY began and I started feeling as though he had just written me off.

We tried counseling... over a decade ago...but the counselor was so inept we never tried again.  I dunno if my insurance would cover it now, and I don't really have the emotional strength to find one to be honest.  DH is a very private person, and I know he doesn't want to try it again.  It was nothing short of a miracle that he actually went the first time.

But now that we know about the ADHD, it just seems like he's stopped trying.  I'll try to engage him in getting somewhere with  a 'learning conversation' but he always just kind of rolls his eyes like, "oh, jesus, really? Do we really actually have to do this?"

Y'know the other thing that makes me nuts is that I have corrected some behaviors, or if not fully corrected them i've gotten over 50% better at them, at least.... But sometimes I'll do something right, or NOT forget something, but FORGET that I REMEMBERED and go to DH and apologize for completely f*cking up yet again.... he gets all pissed off.... then 5 minutes later, "Uh... OOOPS!!  Nevermind!  It's ok!  I didn't f*ck up after all!  Uh... ok everyone, as you were!"

The comment about hiring me as a live-in nanny was said kind of in jest and kind of as an admission of defeat... but... it still was painful to hear.

*sigh*