Hello,
I'm new to this forum, and I'd like to introduce myself. My fiancee and I are in our 20s, finishing college and job hunting. He was diagnosed with ADD a decade ago. In the past year, I've learned some things about ADD/ADHD, and in the light of that information, I suspect that many of our recurrent arguments are related to his ADD and my own lack of understanding. So now when he does something that drives me crazy, I try googling the behavior with "ADD". Tonight it was another awkward social situation that ultimately led me to this website, and I am glad I found it. Essentially he has difficulty focusing on the conversation, especially when there are 2+ people involved, and can't tell when something is inappropriate. The result is that his contributions to the conversation consist of a series of embarrasing non-sequiters and rambling stories (eg, I asked a woman we'd just met what her major was, and the conversation turned to art history. My fiancee interjected with a story about Japanese p-rn he'd seen in a museum. You can imagine my embarrassment). I'm looking forward to reading the blogs on communication, perhaps there will be some useful information there to help us address this issue.
Anyway, I guess I'm here just to talk and listen. I don't have a lot of knowledge on the topic, and I don't really have many people to talk to about this. Some of the posts I've read already refer to "hyper-attentitive" wives, and I suppose that would be (or will be) me-- super organized, intensely motivated, etc. Ultimately my goal is to understand my fiancee better, work to empathize with his challenges, and acquire skills to make our lives more happy and equitable. Yes, I could simply take responsibility for everything (I'm certainly capable) but that would eventually fill me with resentment, and take away all his power. That's the kind of thing I'm looking to avoid.
I've gone on a little long. I'm looking forward to interacting with the community and sharing your perspectives. Thank you in advance.
-Miss kitten
Cheer up! you are not alone
Submitted by dfw_dude on
Hi There,
Well, I can relate to your situation as I experience similar issues with my wife.The problem is the way the ADDers' brains work. ADDers can think of 20 different things at the same time and all 20 of them appear important to them. ADDers lack the ability to organize and prioritize their thoughts (unless they very consciously try to do so).
For example, they would speak first and think later. Often times they would start talking about one thing and then go off on a tangent. In your fiance's case it could be any of the above and also he might have social anxiety issues, in the sense that he may feel compelled to say something nice or funny or interesting and which creates anxiety and ends up being counter-productive. End result is that he either doesn't say anything or blurts out something inappropriate.
Talk to him and ask him what he was thinking when he made those comments. You have to very careful with this, since in my experience when I can ask my wife about such things she gets very defensive and the conversation goes awry.
Hope this helps.
sound perspective
Submitted by arwen on
Hi, Misskitten, welcome! I want to commend your approach to dealing with the ADD-related issues in your relationship. I agree that if you can avoid doing things for your fiancee, you and your relationship will be better off.
My husband wasn't diagnosed until he was in his 40's (and to be honest, didn't exhibit much in the way of ADD behaviors when we met and married -- they got much worse around 40 as his hormone levels dropped), at which point I became one of those "hyperattentive wives" for the benefit of our kids while he was working to adjust his behaviors. But it was always my goal to get out of that role as quickly as reasonably made sense, and while it took longer than I thought was necessary, we have largely succeeded in that goal (except for managing money -- he just doesn't "get" money at all, despite many efforts). While I was being "hyperattentive", I had very little personal freedom, and the stress took a serious physical toll over many years. And as you seem to intuit, it wasn't good in a variety of ways for our relationship.
You don't indicate whether your fiancee is on meds or getting counseling. I understand that some people can't take the meds for various reasons, but counseling is really essential, preferably with a counselor who understands ADD. I appreciate that as students, you may find it difficult to find the financial resources for counseling, but if he is not currently working with someone, I urge you to find some way to make it happen.
You may also need some counseling, too! This site is a great resource, and I encourage you to read all you can here, but it probably can't provide sufficiently individual guidance for all your issues. Even those of us who have managed to resolve many issues relating to our partners' ADD are still struggling with others -- I've been dealing with my husband's ADD for 20 years, and I *still* haven't found the right balance of time and effort between fulfilling my own ambitions versus supervising the things he still struggles with. So you may need other more local resources -- don't feel bashful or guilty about that, you are a critical part of the equation and your mental health matters just as much as his!
Good luck!
a social butterfly, with issues...
Submitted by happycamper13 on
i feel a strong urge to protect my husband from the judgements of others in social situations. i used to think everything he said was creative, usually funny, and engaging. Now i see him lose people, work too hard at a funny line, answer a different question than was asked, or come back inappropriately after "spacing out" for while, and i feel embarrassed for him. i'm sensitive to it because i know he's been told his whole life by some people that he's weird, or stupid, or "out there" and that it bothers him. he's sooooo sensitive to what he perceives as other's judgements - i hate seeing that judgement or confusion on their faces as they try to follow him. i think i sense it from people more than he does, but he might just bottle it up. it's one of the things that makes me see him as a child who needs his dreamy, soft heart protected, instead of the capable, strong man i thought i was marrying. as his best friend, it's just another endearing, albeit self-destructive, sweetness about him...but as his wife, it's terrible for my marriage.