I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't wanna lose him, as a person, his heart, our memories, the time I invested, the future I can sometimes see. But I need to look out for myself and I don't want to be 10 years ahead wishing I had put myself first and ended it when I needed to.
I work. He doesn't. I work hard and long hours, I bring my work home, I cook dinner, I clean, I do the bills, I try to keep the organization, I try to help him find a job so he can contribute, the medical bills the unpaid debt! All of it on my radar constantly! I try to not make him feel like a failure for getting laid off the last job the # 53+ job!! And no that is not an exageration. I have known him more than half of my life as of 2 months ago. We met as teenagers and he was my first love. After a few years apart he appeared again and held me through some of the hardest grief filled years of my life. He was working feeling 'good", then the effects of the years of the "self medicating" of the ADHD reared its head... Cardiomyopathy, a damaged heart from "partying", pot addiction issues, and low low low self esteem issues, all of it came to a head over the year. So now Adderall/Ritilin is either out of the question or a risk of a heart attack and death!
We both work to 'resolve' these issues. Hours of therapy, cut out negative family members, found a better more peaceful place to live, placed ourselves in a bubble to heal. It worked for a while and then the reality of what he is and has comes to the surface.
I am drained, exhausted and love his heart and his soul but hate the day to day. I can't take the day to day, the shifts! the moods! the lack of esteem!the blowing up at my everyday, usual wifey complaints, my requests that are in good nature and communicated kindly. If I sound like his demeaning mother, he explodes, if anything I say reminds him of a negative work experience in whcih he failed, he explodes.
We are in a new place now, I have career goals, I want babies, I want a "normal" life. I want a life where one honest comment and what I see as usual conversation doesn't blow up. His ADHD and extreme, partially homeless, dysfunctional family issues leaves me exhausted.
I need advice any advice. I can't live being the non-ADHD spouse, that is not good enoough for me. I deserve better I am understanding and compassionate and accepting but when I get thrown aside and treated like crap because of the the ADHD. I am done. I know it is a chemical issue, a legitimate, neuroscience biological medical diagnosis and condition, I realize that but how are the spouses supposed to cope? To be stepped on and walk on eggshells to make someone else constantly feel better or good about themselves? That is not a life.