So it's been a little over 3 weeks since my relationship ended with my undiagnosed adhd boyfriend. For the majority of of this time I've surprised myself and coped ok, feeling rational about it. However since the weekend it's been hitting me more, and causing a sadness, low mood and dare I say at times regret?!
I think what hasn't helped is as in true adhd style he has been extremely cut and dry about it, has consistently not shown any sadness over our ending . I mean the day that led to our demise he told me he loved me and was looking forward to seeing me, and has consistently pushed for me to move in.
With a whole host of cliched adhd symptoms: not worked for 2 years , lack of empathy, inability to complete and finish many tasks, distracted easily, hoarding scraps of paper, chaotic messy home garage garden and car, at times reckless driving, attention seeking namely flirting, gaslighting (eg insisting he told me about seeing a physio for his knee , booking a lads ski holiday, and denying I'd ever asked him to a party (despite me knowing he'd booked his kids in with a babysitter because of said party) WHY AM I BOTHERED?!! Any pearls of wisdom , I should be surely jumping for joy not pining for all the above?!
This too shall pass
Submitted by sickandtired on
We all have down days where we second guess ourselves (even me in the beginning of my breakup). Please re-read everything you have written on this forum. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. You deserve so much better in life than what you have had to endure, with no empathy or appreciation from him. You have so many good qualities. Please look toward your future in a new happy and healthy relationship. Once you get to that point, you will look back on this time and be so thankful you are in a better place. Sending you hugs!
I wrote a list
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
I know, and thank you for your kind supportive words. I have written a list of where relationship went wrong and I at the moment tend to look at this forum, as in a way it validates that our issues were real and would have been an up hill battle to improve. Think it's just sad that I as the A typical partner was reading around this topic and would have been willing to try if he had been on board too, but I only had courage to raise it a couple of times and he only accepted he was a bit chaotic. I did truly love him though and obviously miss the good times.
My advice is, mourn and move on
Submitted by TheMaskedMagician on
You are right that an ADHD relationship where one person doesn't have ADHD is an uphill struggle that tests you to the core and limits of your being. I feel like I am in too deep to cut my losses now (married, 10 years in) but if I'd known what was coming years ago, I may have taken the decision to not progress too far, move in together, get married etc. Incidentally, my husband was only diagnosed after we were married, it felt too late to turn back. Mourn the good times but look forward to the future, believe me; you a dodging a bullet
SamBam..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Why do you always have to resort to name-calling? I don't see anywhere in this thread where anybody is advocating for someone to leave their partner. That said, most people who have left their partners have done so after years and years of living with someone who will not address their issues. If they're not willing to contribute to the relationship or change it is a very very difficult decision to make and not one made lightly I'm sure. When I left my now ex-husband it took ten years for me to do it because I had to try everything I could to make it work. Relationships cannot last when only one person is doing work. (NOTE: original name calling post deleted, and poster removed from site for multiple transgressions against posting rules.)
Thanks
Submitted by sickandtired on
Thanks for reminding me exactly why I left my paranoid, argumentative, immature, financially dependent, victim-minded verbally abusive ex who never took the time to go to therapy, to improve his own behavior, or to empathize with my feelings.
good you were trying to
Submitted by ADHDman223 on
good you were trying to change how his brain works
Adhd man
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please explain. Learning better behavior does not change how his brain works.
SamBam - I have not asked anybody to
Submitted by TheMaskedMagician on
I have not asked anybody to leave their partner. The person above has already separated from their partner. Read the comment properly before resorting to crude insults. (insults edited out)
Break up
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's hard to break up with someone, even if they haven't been providing you with the relationship you had hoped for. One of the things to look for is whether or not you have a 'fantasy' version of your ex, along with a 'real' version of your ex. It's the fantasy version whom you think might do better...and the 'real' version who is actually doing the doing. You have a long list of things that your partner was doing that weren't healthy for you or your relationship. Pay attention to the doing, vs. what his potential might have been, and you may find it easier to weather the inevitable hard feelings that come with breaking up with him. Also, look to fill the void in companionship with the friendship of others about whom you care. Love comes in many forms, not just the 'couple' form. Surround yourself with love and that will make the going easier, too.