I definitely criticize and nag my ADD wife way too often. It is something I have been working on, but I am not always successful. In fact, I am NOT successful way too often.
Here's what I have been doing:
When my wife does something (or doesn't do something) that annoys me, and I recognize that it annoys me, I tell myself not to take it personally, because she didn't MEAN to annoy me. And I KNOW that is true. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I still feel annoyed.
So then I try to talk myself out of feeling annoyed. I might say to myself "It's really nothing. There's no reason to be annoyed about that." Sometimes that works, and sometimes I still feel annoyed.
So then I might say "Just do it yourself, and move on." Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.
So then I say to myself, "OK, so, you're annoyed. It's not important enough to say anything about. Just forget it." Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't.
So - sometimes I CAN manage not to feel annoyed, and sometimes I CAN overlook it even if I do.
But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I still end up being annoyed. I know that's MY problem. I know it is not RIGHT for me to be annoyed so often. And I know I need to continue to work on that.
I definitely DO plan to continue to try to not be annoyed so often. Maybe our work with the 5 Languages of Love book will help us here. (If my wife communicates her love in MY love language more often, maybe I won't feel annoyed so much. Just as if I communicate my love to her in HER love language more often, she probably won't feel criticized so much.) I know if we follow Ned Hallowell's advice to spend more time together without distraction it will help. That's also why I have been using this ADHD and Marriage blog, not because I think SHE or her ADHD are the problem, but because I think it will help ME not be so annoyed by some of the things she does that ARE related to her ADHD.)
In the meantime, while I work on not being annoyed so often, I'm wondering if anyone might be able to offer some helpful suggestions of things I can do when I DO feel annoyed, despite my best efforts not to.
At this point, it seems that when I feel annoyed, I only have two choices. I can either swallow my feelings, or I can say something.
If I swallow my feelings, they fester, and that's not good.
If I say something, even when I try to say it gently and with love, it seems to come across as nagging or critical, THAT's not good either.
But maybe there's another option I'm just not seeing. Maybe you can suggest something else I can do or say that helps me not feel annoyed without making my wife feel bad.