It's so sad to me. I have no desire to be intimate with my ADD husband. I know that's fairly normal, I don't feel close to him at all mentally or emotionally. I pretty much hate sex b/c it's him getting his "fill" from me and I'm just there to help him get the job done. I asked him for the first time last week if he felt any emotions during sex. He said only "sexual" feelings. Nothing involving me. Just him getting his feel-good. I of course don't feel any emotions during sex either, but I'm not the one wanting sex. So hearing him say he didn't feel any either, I guess hurt a little. And what's even more dandy is his sex drive has gone up again since he stopped taking his meds. I honestly haven't been interested in sex for 5.5 of the 6 years we've been married. I don't even have the desire to hug him or give him a kiss during the day. Anyone else relate?
Anyone else not at all attracted to their ADHD spouse? Sexually, too?
Submitted by Cathryn on 09/08/2010.
That is sad
Submitted by Tasla on
We have been together for a little over 3 years and I don't feel like that at all. If he's done something truly awful or really hurt my feelings, sure, that would make be desire him less for a few days, but I usually desire him and it's mutual. He usually tells me he loves me after sex and sometimes during. I assume he's not faking that, since I have never expressed a need to hear it at that time (other times, sure).
I hope you guys are in counseling, and that you can figure this out. In my mind, if the attraction is gone, and can't be reclaimed...what's the point? But I do believe that in most cases it can be reclaimed, probably with professional help and a lot of willingness on both sides.
I lost interest in my husband, too
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I was later told that it was because the dynamic had shifted from a spousal relationship to a mother-and-child one.
Also, and this makes me so sad and upset even so many months later, he would lose focus so horribly during lovemaking that I would get hurt. We would then stop, I'd say "please don't do that," and he'd do the exact same thing within a few minutes, sometimes to a greater degree. After a while, I actively dreaded making love to him--not because I didn't love him, but because I would feel bruised and horrible for sometimes days afterwards.
We didn't know about the ADD, so long before we separated I was feeling like I was being abused in bed. I had bruises going into an ob/gyn appointment. It was horrible and embarrassing. In retrospect, the worse his stress levels became, the more his ADD would "take over," and the worse it got. By the end, most of the time it wasn't very pleasant for me, and it certainly didn't feel anything like "love." When I described the lovemaking sessions to my therapist, she described it as "abuse," which frightens me because I told her only a tiny fraction of what went on, and not even the worst parts.
The sad thing is, I think back and I can't once remember my husband and I cuddling, before or after lovemaking. He would fall asleep, and if I stirred to get up, he would pull me back into the bed--and then fall asleep again--but no cuddling. If I managed to get up, he would tell me how upset he was because I wouldn't "cuddle" with him. I'm sorry, but each of us on far opposite sides of the bed (or, maybe worse, him falling asleep, and then rolling on top of me and crushing me--he never could get down that "spooning" thing) is not cuddling! I felt so emotionally abandoned, ignored, and starved for love, tenderness, and attention by the time he left.
But, of course, he was a perfect, loving, gentle, caring husband who only did good things for me and treated me like a queen. If you'd hear him describe things, I made it all up and was the nasty and abusive one who did everything wrong. Always, always, always.
no natural affection
Submitted by Clarity on
no warm fuzzies either. Though when I was younger I made a decision to enjoy sex if that was all I could get out of this relationship. So, I managed to turn off my need for emotional satisfaction and focused on having a good time. I always thought he was like another man in bed. His attitude was much different there than anywhere else! Once into my forties, I lost all desire for sex, emotional connection, even conversation. I figure it's hormonal. Or maybe I've lost touch with myself because of my situation. Now, his meds don't help in that area either. On occasion, we have an exchange, it's not much but, sometimes, I don't mind the distraction. No kissing, it's too intimate. (Remember Julia in Pretty Woman?) ;)
I also lost the desire to be
Submitted by Scarlet on
I also lost the desire to be intimate with my husband, much like the other poster, because our relationship dynamic had changed from a spousal partnership to a mother/child relationship where I had to shoulder all the responsibilities and take care of him while he shirked most responsibilities and forced me to support us financially for years.
But then something wonderful happened. I finally decided I'd had enough and I wanted a divorce. I think maybe a light went on in his head, because he suddenly wanted to see a counselor instead of just blaming all the relationship problems on me. The counselor really focused on my spouse's issues and urged him repeatedly to seek individual psychotherapy and medication. He was resistant at first, but finally took the big step.
Three different medications and $1000 later, it is like I am living with a completely different person. Things still aren't perfect, and he still forgets to do a lot of the things a normal person wouldn't have problems with, but the change in attitude is what has been the most amazing. Whereas before, if he forgot something and I had to remind him, he would immediately get nasty and angry, or else completely ignore me, now he actually apologizes for forgetting and does whatever it is right away. Before he used to ignore me most of the time and just sit at his computer. Now we play games together, talk, and enjoy each other's company. Before, if we had a discussion that turned a little heated, he would immediately start talking over me, become irrational and unable to be reasoned with. Now he stops to actually listen to what I have to say and doesn't talk over me nearly as much.
Also, he has managed to hold down his current job for longer than any other job since we've been together.
Before, I viewed him as a millstone around my neck that was causing me to slowly drown in a sea of financial burden and overwhelming responsibility. Now I am starting to see all the wonderful things that first attracted me to him. I thought that I would never want to have sex with him again. But now it is like it was when we were first dating. (except for the fact that we have a 1 year old now that makes it hard to find the time and privacy for adult time!).
So, I guess this long-winded story is basically a plea to not give up. If your partner is willing to work on his issues, things can change for the better!
I had the opposite problem
Submitted by TULA13 on
My husband never wanted to have sex. We had sex once a month because I would say "you know we have not had sex for a month." He would say really? Has it been that long? Oblivious. Then he would have sex but it felt like more out of obligation then want or desire. He had all the medical tests. All normal. He was 10 years younger than me. My friends thought "Wow his is younger than you, you must get it all the time" Nope. So in marriage counseling it gets discussed. He is shocked to hear from the therapist that most married people have sex 2-3 times a week. He reported that sex was never a priority for him. Ever. So after all this talking we take a two week vacation and I return reporting that we did not have sex at all while on vacation. All the while my husband saying "I don't want a divorce, I love my wife." Basically his need were being met. He did not care about my needs. We would cuddle in the morning and in the evening but never leading to sex and I would be rebuffed and refused all the time. He would hug me, tell me he loves me. My needs were not met for years.
So nice to hear a happy ending!
Submitted by TULA13 on
Thank you so much for this. My husband is finally in therapy now after years of refusal or not participating when he was seeing someone. We are separated now and I hope that his individual therapy and medications can help him in his next relationship. I hope and pray that he has the results that your husband has had. Unfortunately our marriage is over and we are divorcing. He had an extra marital affair and I caught him in many lies. His problems seem to be much deeper than just ADD. Your story gives me hope that maybe with therapy and meds he can have a good life with someone else. Although he has hurt me terribly and I am devastated, I wish him nothing but the best. I am grieving the loss of my friend and partner. I asked him, when did I stop being your friend? When did I become your enemy, someone to lie to and exploit. What was the pivotal moment and what was happening at the time. I have so many questions I will never get answers to. Now I am just a reminder of his affair and he wants to sweep me and the past 10 years under the rug. I tried so hard to make it work. "your efforts to help your husband have been heroic Kelly" I guess he wasn't ready for help. Maybe now he will get the help he needs.
Sad all around
Submitted by OoohShiny on
I'm the ADHD spouse. I've been in a Sexless Marriage for years (until recently).
I totally get why you feel the way you do. Really. I remember my first time at the forum when I wept at the descriptions and feelings that were expressed and realized how things had been for my wife. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I got meds and I studied about ADHD behavior and treatment programs and started doing new behaviors.
But I can't tell you how much sexual refusal has impacted my life. I challenge you to do your own searches where the refused talk about their SM and their feelings of rejection at the core of their being. Maybe you can have a lightbulb moment too. (I'd leave a link for you but I want you to feel invested in searching for this.)
In any event, I think that you are robbing yourself of an opportunity. If you are convinced that you want to live without fighting to get to intimacy, that's your choice. It's dishonest to leave the relationship like that but stay married. Divorce your spouse. Maybe that will be the pain they need to drive them to get help. (I know that they are good at avoiding the issue.)
I know that you are in pain, but staying like this doesn't make you a martyr in my books.
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-and-marriage-if-youre-so-unhapp... <== it sounds like this was a reply to a comment much like this one I made a year ago or so.
OoohShiny: I do not
Submitted by Cathryn on
OoohShiny:
I do not refuse him. That would make life harder for both him and I. I don't say no unless I have a good reason to (extreme tiredness [we have an 8 week old baby plus 2 other young children] or not feeling well, etc). On average we do it at least once a week. I totally hate the act of it but I do it for him. And I won't lie, there have been things he's done during sex that have been hurtful (not physically), but I don't deny him. I wish I could lol, but that wouldn't help our marriage at all.
Cathryn is a saint
Submitted by OoohShiny on
More than weekly, 8 week old + 2 little ones, plus you hate it.
I apologize, my previous post didn't apply to you; you are a martyr.
At the risk of looking like I advocate both sides of the issue... there's no way I'd have regular sex with someone if there was no intimacy. Well I say that but I stayed in a non-intimate marriage for years. Now, there's no way I'd do that.
Sex/Intimacy Challenged
Submitted by Misoslick on
Being the ADDer in our soon to be ended marriage, I can say that one of the most detrimental behaviors the non-ADD spouse can engage in is the systematic dissolution of emotional and physical intimacy. In my opinion, while the pull back might not be intended to represent a weapon to gain control, the ADDer will not typically understand the reason or intention for the response. In some situations, if left un-addressed, the passage of time without intimacy will create a whole new level of resentment and animosity and potentially, game changing behaviors for the ADD spouse.
I'm not sure what the fix is because I'm not convinced that rolling over for your spouse every time he/she needs a 'fixer' quicky is the path...I'm definately sure that if you get to the point that rejection of any advance becomes the norm you are doomed.
So what do you do . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
If you're being physically hurt and the ADDer doesn't "get" that, no matter how many times you tell him?
Hurting isn't ok
Submitted by OoohShiny on
Being hurt isn't cool. I'm coming from a place of wanting to please my spouse so I can't relate to this.
Maybe a Tazer? Electro shock has got an unfairly negative image...
Physically hurt how? like
Submitted by desposi on
Physically hurt how? like how does it come about.
i guess that makes my answer more effective.
I didn't refuse mine either
Submitted by BreadBaker on
It was the closest thing to emotional and physical intimacy we had, even if it wasn't particularly close or loving. It makes me very sad to think back on it. I should also mention that he was on medication that reduced his sex drive *considerably* . . . and he blamed his sexual dysfunction on me instead. :-/
I did everything I could. And I think that was the problem: I did *everything* that *I* could. Since he decided that it was all my fault, he would make little, token efforts on occasion, but nothing consistently. In retrospect, I think I *should* have held back and told him to do some self-reflection, self-work, and try another medication before he hurt me again.
I should note that, in retrospect, I don't think he *meant* to hurt me, but he took few (or no) precautions not to. In fact, he was so oppositional by the end that when I told him that something hurt me, he'd do it *more often*. It was just the oddest thing, and the only way I can wrap my head around it without hating him for what he did to me is to remember his ADD. And he still thinks his condition was responsible for nothing at all, and it was *all* my fault. Oh, and that nothing happened to me, but that I abused him.
I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm getting away from this man. Ours was the most twisted, convoluted, complicated relationship I've ever been in. This wasn't because it involved marriage and all that entails: It was because I was dealing with a husband who was a wonderful guy with good intentions, who did a surprisingly number of not-wonderful things that ran entirely against those intentions. When you're hurt enough times by someone who says they "didn't mean it" and goes on about what a "great guy" he is, you're going to either think they have something wrong with them or question your own sanity. I was dealing with a reality warp the likes of which I've never seen before--and hope I never see again--that shook me to the core and made me feel unlovable, stupid, foolish, undesirable, and like someone who deserved to be punished all of the time. It was horrible. I'll be working this out in therapy for years. I'm so incredibly gun-shy about entering into another relationship now, because I feel as though I'm going to be abused, used, hurt, berated, and blamed for everything by every man out there.
Hurtful behavior.
Submitted by TULA13 on
I too was hurt over and over again by my ADD spouse. In marriage counseling when we talked about his flirting with every female waitress every time we went out to dinner. It felt like he was having dinner with the waitress instead of his family. He was asked "how do you think that makes your wife feel" "Like crap he said" Counselor "then why are you doing it" Husband:"I don't know" I was embarassed and humiliated by this cruel behavior over and over. He even did it when we were out with our daughter. When she turned 13 I took her to get make up at the Clinique counter. The woman showed her how to care for her skin and how to apply make up etc. My husband was flirting with the sales clerk shamelessly the whole tiime. My daughter recounted this incident to me now that he is out of the home. She told me how it made her feel and how she could not understand why I was putting up with it. When we went to the nail salon, he would flirt with every woman that was there, totally ignoring us. He would have a pedicure too and then ask for the woman to pain his toe nails black. Which as you can imagine, a 37 yr old man in a Nail salon in Natick MA asking for black toe nail polish. It always had to be about him getting attention from everyone and anyone but me and my daughter. He seemed to have an insatiable need for attention. We have separated and divorce is in my future. I have compassion for him and for his disorder but the man knows right from wrong. ADD should not excuse their bad hurtful behavior. The nurse in me understands why everything happened. The wife in me was devastated by 10 years of being subjected to this and the man ADD behaviors that are described in detail in so many of these blogs.
Married to the attention lover as well...
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Although not to this extreme, my husband always needs to be "the life of the party" so to speak. My favorite part (sarcasm) of it was that it was perfectly acceptable for him to associate with, talk to, have lunch with, and take business cards of other women...ALWAYS with a legitimate excuse in his eyes (he works on computers on the side)..but if the shoe were on the other foot, he would absolutely blow a gasket. He would never tolerate it from me.
After we separated and hit rock bottom, we got back together and the lines of communication slowly opened up to where they should be and I confronted him about all of this. We reconciled last Dec and when we went to a New Years Eve party he was far more friendly with the hostess than I was comfortable with. She was going through a divorce, everything was raw, and at one point she started crying....so he had to be the knight in shining armor coming to her rescue. He told her she was beautiful and needed to just forget about her ex and a few other things. Later on, when the opportunity was ripe, I told him that I did not think it was for her benefit, I felt it was always for his...he needed to feel like everyone thought he was such a fantastic man and the way to do that was through flattery. The flattery, however, was extremely hurtful to me and disrespectful to his marriage..and embarassing as well. Since then we've had at least 2 or 3 more conversations about his need for that attention, the attention that we all grow out of needing by the time we're typically in our 20's, and how it is really something I want him to work on as I feel it is a huge part of why he had the affair last fall. He admits it was 100% about attention...that he wasn't getting from me...but over and over again I tell him I wasn't getting much from him either. It works both ways. His best friend told him before he started the affair that he had everything he needed at home, if he would just go the extra mile and do the work to make it what he wanted it to be, but he chose the easy way out..short term. This is one issue we will work very hard on during counseling. I have no problem giving him the attention he needs..I have vowed to myself that I will do this even when he's having bad days, in grumpy moods, etc..I will not put my walls back up just because he's not responding the way I'd like for a day or two, but long term this has to be addressed.
He recently called to ask if I would mind if he went to lunch with another department head in the city..a female. He thinks that her being married, older, etc..should make it OK with me..but it doesn't. Age, marital status, etc don't mean anything to some people these days...and I wasn't comfortable with it and told him. I once trusted him with my life, but I don't know. I realize how serious his need for attention is and it is one of the main things that has to be addressed in counseling..before I will feel my marriage is complete and I have any sense of security again. He admits that he likes attention, and has apologized when I've told him that it is hurtful and disrespectful..and he's stopped doing it (to my face) so I'm hopeful that he's really working on changing it. I needed attention from him too...but I didn't cheat to get it...and that's the main reason we sought counseling..to figure out why.
being a young adhd male (23
Submitted by desposi on
being a young adhd male (23 yrs old) I can say i can understand your husbands behavior to an extent.
I've exhibted the attention seeking aspects of it in the past though not exclusivley with women. Every now and then but not really as direct as him. I seemed to find my attention filled (if one like me can ever really say that) through working during my college summers at a Scout camp. It was a force that in many ways helped me to develop I felt. Wanting to be valued or appreciated in someones eyes kinda pushed me to rather interesting hieghts in my various staff/director positions.
While your husbands constant seeking of attention from women is surley not appropriate, I hope you can understand how gaining attention from people in a way can energize an adhd person enough to make the rest of life either a lot easier to deal with, get through ( in the context of not being naturally aroused or alert and focused etc etc) or make it actually fun.
So in many ways, it might be useful to look and see if there are other sources of attention you can direct your adhd spouse towards. Maybe look at his past to find sources of attention he naturally thrived under.
Me for example, i used to run various program areas at a camp, and even farther back found a lot of attention working as a bag boy at jewel in H.S. ( some how having a new person come through my line ever 4 seconds that I would then ,through some effort, find a way to make them smile did a lot for my school work and how i got along with my family- it actually would wind me up but in a good way i.e. more focus more motivation better attitude )
so in many ways, dont look at a need for attention, especially social attention just outside of your self as a automatic bad thing - it can be used as a strength in many situations.
Thus i ask that you look at ways to redirect it in ways he can enjoy, consider ways you can put him in positions where he/she might be directing people or in big groups of people. it might just help, for in many ways - this sort of attention works to make us function better.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Thank you so much for your insight...you're very wise for your age.
It is somewhat true that his attention doesn't always have to be from women, he likes being big man on campus to his male friends as well, it is just his desire to (what I feel) be wanted by other women that really is 'off balance', so to speak. Over the years there have been a few women that I suspected he was 'thriving' on their attention towards him...some were married to his friends, leaning on him when their marriages were in trouble, spent time hanging out with him when I wasn't around (but they weren't alone), and I trusted him so much that I never gave it any thought...when he cheated it was like everything came at me like a ton of brick...rethinking everything I'd ever brushed off, never given much thought to, and now I have so many suspicions about other things that the attention thing HAS to be resolved or I truly don't want to be married to him anymore. We have discussed each situation (woman) in great detail, him being patient and not getting defensive (sure sign he's guilty) and each time we do, I feel much less suspicious..for a while. I know that part of it is my own insecurities, having been hurt and cheated on when I trusted him so much, but it really is something he needs to address. Love isn't just faithful when it feels good..it has to be faithful even when it doesn't..and he needs to do what is necessary to make sure this specific behavior is one that he changes. It is not right or fair for him to seek the approval of other women through flattery. Again, I cannot imagine how upset he'd be if I did the same, but I wouldn't do it. I am married, I don't need the approval of anyone but him.
Another aspect of this is that he's a people pleaser...to an absolute fault. He promises everyone everything and then cannot deliver and it ends up creating a lot of stress for him that could be avoided just by him simply saying "no" occasionally. He is very well known in our town for being the 'go to' guy for computer work..his name is handed out to anyone and everyone...plus he has a lot of friends and co-workers (he is over the IT department for our city) that he always has someone needing him to do something for them. He never says no and he promises 10 people the same thing in the same day (he's VERY disorganized) and thus the stress of not being able to do it all as he promised..and people getting put out with him. He just doesn't want to say no because he would feel bad if someone thought he wasn't capable of doing something...so it's more about feeding his ego, feeling needed, than it is about wanting to help people, ya know? Just like the attention from women..he couldn't care less about them, it is just food for his huge ego that needs to be fed. (Maybe it's deeper, or more complex..but we haven't covered this aspect of ADD in counseling yet, so for now that is just how it feels to me) I do understand what you're saying, but for now he needs to be happy with the attention he gets from me...which is a lot...and he also needs to never forget again that that attention is a 2 way street...and it is something he needs to give in order to get. You can only expect so much from someone when you're delving out nothing but pain and rejection. I am a changed person, I have a much more positive attitude towards him and live in general...and I'm hoping that the change I see in him is not only due to my changes, but that they are permanent...and I hope that the attention I give him will always be enough from now on.
A thought - play hard to get.
Submitted by desposi on
I applaud you for putting the effort in to work on things.
Its a hard road, but worth it in the end.
one thing I thought of after hearing how you give him a lot of attention - I wondered how easy your attention can be gained by him. and while there are different levels of attention - from simply noticing something - all the way to the sexual affection that we all crave ( and lets be honest, us adhd people tend to crave that a bit too much at times)
The reason I think about how easy your attention can be earned is simple -
Adhd people are a slave to novelty - many of us tend to exhibt our own little addictive behaviors in various ways. many times not warrenting any sort of intervention, but still they are their.
you can see them in kids - with videogames and the web/texting etc....
you can see them in adults with things like - porn etc - or in your case - your husband seeking attention from women.. (not that this is excusable)
These ussually occur with things that are highly variable and engadging.
So i suggest - Try being subtle and resistant for that attention just enough to make him work for it.
be affectionate one moment and not the next and don't let him sweep you off your feet randomly.
using your ability to control a stiuation and how you distribute attention to your husband you can create a highly variable experience for him.
this might cause him to pay more attention to you.
I know this works, even when someone is mad at you - if they like attention that is - just start ignoring them, i used to have a gf that held the weirdest grudges every so often and she would hold them for awhile too. Some how i learned to purposley ignore her and not just give give give of my self. this seemed to always bring her out of her funk to a point where she wanted to talk with me.
Let me see if I
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Let me see if I understand..I'll give you an example of what I think you mean. I really do want to understand and have better control of myself in order to gain better responses from him...
For starters, I am afraid to withhold attention from him like I used to...on purpose, as a weapon, because I knew it was the one thing he wanted most from me...because I am afraid it will lead him into the arms of another woman...again. This isn't a problem for us now, because he is giving me what I need and therefore I am compelled, actually WANT to be affectionate with him. The issue arises occasionally, like this past week when we were both at home sick (I don't work) and we literally spent 2 days in bed together watching TV..except when I would have to feed the kids or something along those lines. I was feeling a bit better and decided to get on the computer (in the kitchen) and I spent maybe an hour on the computer. He got mad, although he wouldn't admit it, and started giving me a bit of a cold shoulder. In the past I would get mad in response and give him the same cold shoulder. I 'pretend' that I don't notice, ask him "are you mad at me? Have I done something to make you mad?" and of course he says no, but I know better. At this point I SLIGHTLY withdraw my affection (cuddling, talking openly) and just give him space. I have learned that the harder I try to 'bring him out of it' the longer he'll stay mad. I suppose he realizes when he's been mad long enough and he'll come around and get over it. This is an example of how me not giving him my full attention causes problems, I don't like it but I have learned to manage it in a way that it doesn't become a huge issue.
Also, there have been times that I have shown an appropriate amount of attention to him when he arrives home from work and next thing I know he's upset, not feeling wanted or loved, because I did something wrong..it wasn't enough. I hear "do you just want me to leave?" a lot. I struggle to 'fill' the apparent void in his life and worry that, even though 98% of the time it isn't an issue, those times that are few and far between when it is an issue will bring on another affair. He swears he'll never do it again, the guilt and remorse he felt were overwhelming (I saw physical evidence of this during our separation, but thought it was him grieving his mother's death) and that he will never hurt me like that again...and says all of the right things, but I know that until he gets help he cannot promise me that..it is out of his control. Impulse control is his biggest weakness with ADD. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's the type to walk out the door and cheat at the drop of a hat, it took 5 LOOOONG years of a miserable marriage and him not getting what he wanted for him to feel like it was an option for him, but still it WAS an option for him...and that scares the hell out of me.
It has to be equal...I will give him my attention and affection and love him and accept him for who he is even when he's not deserving sometimes...we all have bad days...but it is a two-way street and I have needs as well. I give him 100% because I see HUGE efforts on his part to change and realize his mistakes. He's going to counseling and getting the therapy he needs too...so as long as he does all of that, I wouldn't want to 'manipulate' him (for lack of a better word) by playing hard to get...I feel at this point we both have to give 110% or we won't make it, ya know?
i know what you mean, and
Submitted by desposi on
i know what you mean, and what im getting at is something to more peak his attention.
and it needent be something that you do over a few hours - but on a moment to moment basis.
in that way it becomes a bit confusing and makes people pay more attention. - why - its different - its the same reason advertisers make 10 different versions of the same comercial - because changing even one thing will make our attention peak up.
from what I've read in your response the one thing i suggest is using those moments when he feels your ignoring him to come and suprise him randomly.
A couple of years ago my
Submitted by SherriW13 on
A couple of years ago my answer to this question would have been "count me in, I have no desire to have sex with my husband". We had general theme in counseling where he would complain that I didn't give him any attention or affection (SEX) and I would claim it was because he was always behaving in ways that were hurtful to me and made me feel like I didn't matter, like the marriage didn't matter. As strange as it sounds, we were always 'friends' and had a strong foundation, but the desire and passion was GONE!!! I remember one session in particular where I admitted that I only had sex with him on vacation because I knew if I didn't, he would be a jerk to everyone (me & the kids). The counselor asked him "how does it feel knowing you got sex only because she didn't want you to be angry?" and he said "horrible". For many months following that he worked very hard not to be angry if he didn't get sex every time he wanted it, and my attitude about it improved a little. It was a horrible way to go for everyone here if he didn't get it when he wanted it...slamming doors, cold shoulder, horrible attitude and it typically ended with him leaving and going out with his friends. There were many times when he would "behave" (for lack of a better word) for a week or so, I would give him sex, and then he'd go right out that night and drink with his friends..maybe the next 2-3 nights, you just never knew. Needless to say, I withheld sex from him as a weapon.
When it really hit rock bottom was when I got to the point that I would cry after we would have sex...because I mourned the connection we once felt. It was horrible. I was always honest with him about things and I told him. For a long time we had very little sex...it was devastating to him and me both...but neither was willing to do anything to change the horrible pattern that had gotten us to that point. After we separated and got back together, it was like when we were dating agan. Nine months later it has leveled off some and things are at a more even keel. There are still some issues (sometimes I feel he's withholding intimacy ..i.e. kissing, cuddling) that we are addressing in counseling. I never dreamed I would WANT him again...and it is taking time for him to trust my feelings and me to trust his...but we're getting there.