My boyfriend is at a metal concert I opted out of because I have been experiencing uncontrollable anger and depression for the past two days. He just texted me and told me that he just crowd surfed twice. Now, I'm not big into metal (I listen to the stuff my parents grew up with), and I'm too square and white bread to really even be into crowd surfing. But the fact that he got to do something I didn't makes me crazy furious. And it didn't used to be this way... but now I am jealous of EVERYTHING. Up until I was 24, I can't recall many points in my life where I actually felt jealous of anyone or anything. I have always been content and very confident...
"Maybe I am jealous of everything because I crave experience... As if there isn't enough stimulation and fun to go around... As if you having crowd surfed is suddenly robbing me of the experience altogether... It makes me tingle with anger and jealousy... Why do I seem to think that when others have a joy of their own, it robs me of something? Why do I have to have all the experiences all the stimulation all the time. There is no switching off. No stopping the craving for more and more and more. No satisfying the constant distractions. No controlling the anger that grows out of misplaced jealousy... My world is a place that makes no sense. People walk upside down, and I hate when I am left out of experiences or someone has an experience I don't get to have. I have to have it all at once... Why?
"I am absolutely filled with rage when I think of all the other people who got to see you crowd surfing... Who were present in that moment and shared that moment with you. I am jealous of you for having had a moment that I didn't get to have. Why? In what kind of world does this way of thinking make sense?! And how did I get here?! I'm Alice, and I'm lost in Wonderland. The animals aren't talking, the mushrooms aren't working, and everything is going in all directions at once.
Anyone else feel this way?