Anyone with a stay at home ADD Dad??? Please Help!!!

OK Been a long time stalker of this life saving forum. Such wonderful advice and support is shared. Reading through has talked me off the ledge many nights, but I will sadly say that I am in dire straits with my undiagnosed ADD husband. Although I have given him some self-awareness (along with numerous online tests which he will take and be categorized as "highly likely" for ADD....LOL) his refusal to go for help and possibly get on meds has hit a breaking point in our marriage. To give a quick background, DH has been a stay at home Dad for the past 3 years since being laid off from his job that he was at for over 13 years. He was not laid off due to any fault of his own, was never late or missed a day in 13 years - much like many ADDers. Hubby's issues are purely with his impulsivity, ability to focus/concentrate, and desire to constantly be "in motion" with activity. During our 10 year relationship we've always had things "happening" to create distractions for him - house projects, wedding plans, new baby, etc. but now that our 2 children are of school and pre-school ages, time is limited and their activities have now taken over. So what's the problem??? Chaos in my household at all times which is now spilling over his bad habits and traits of his condition over to my kids.  Now don't get me wrong, he does well with keeping them occupied all summer - off to the beach, park, pool etc., but summer is over and school has started with him having to be more on a schedule, organized and detailed. Unfortunately my job is very stressful and my time home with my children on a daily basis is very limited. I want my 2 hours a day with them to be pleasant and of quality time (i.e. reading a book together or doing a nighttime story, coloring etc.). Instead I am left with barking out orders to them to do the things that should have been done with their Father before I got home - dinner, homework, showers, clean up some toys, get in pajamas etc. I find myself constantly yelling and screaming at them due to my frustration over a filth ridden house, disorganization, and complete utter chaos. All of which I cannot control or have time for. I have repeatedly begged, pleaded and even structured tasks for him to do during my 10 hour daily absence only to be left repeatedly disappointed. From reading through some threads, I've tried many tactics used on ADDers - index cards with one task on it, calling to give a reminder etc. Nothing seems to help. Now of course he is a guy, so doing house chores really isn't his thing, and I am not expecting it to be, but the basics are lacking. Trash not being taken out and piled up in the kitchen, the vehicles all have overdue inspections, repairs, and are a complete disaster on the inside. When he uses my commuter car there will be coffee stains all over, garbage left, and smells like a gym locker room from his sweaty clothes left in the backseat. I literally cannot take it. This is also creating the norm for our children. Toys are all over the place, rotting food all over, and even worse, an inherited disrespect for other's property as well as your own space. I should also add that our 6yr old daughter is oppositional and gives us grief over everything, so I know that DH will shy away from dealing with her. But that just makes it worse. Our parenting styles are not on the same page with him using avoidance and willingness to give in for every whim just to avoid any conflict. I am left with a demanding uncooperative child who constantly wants to "do something" cause she's bored. Yes it is my belief that she too will have some form of ADD. School should assist with getting her some help, but I don't know if I can wait this long. Her pediatrician says as long as there is no problem in school, she probably doesn't have a medical condition. So does that mean it is being learned from her environment? I am completely fried from my job, taking care of all the mandatory and detailed tasks for our family, and compensating for DH inability to do anything without my involvement (and yes I really don't WANT to be involved with the areas he is accountable for).  So I turn to the #1 place for sanity and guidance as to what I can do with this situation. I should say that the most obvious would be for him to get a job and go back to work, but our youngest isn't in full day school just yet and we don't have any family support to assist with childcare. Hiring someone is also nearly impossible to find in our location, but to be honest, I don't believe DH would be able to sustain any type of structured job. His prior employer was a small family owned company that catered to him not doing anything "hard". Go figure. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for letting me have an outlet and God bless.