Apathy Is Setting In


I am a 30 year old husband with an ADHD (Inattentive) wife.  We've been married for 8 years, and have two children, a 2 year old and a newborn.  I'm really struggling to cope with the condition she has, and I feel as though my attempts to cope are failing precipitously--I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on without adopting a complete policy of numbness.  My wife was diagnosed with ADHD during our 2nd year of marriage, and I only read The ADHD Effect on Marriage this year.  I'm still really struggling to dissect "she did this" and "the ADHD did this" when it comes to all the classic things.  My wife hyper focuses on her interests, her phone, her needs, and ultimately acts very selfishly.  One in a long list of examples was on Monday night--she sent our 2 year old to a neighbor's house for 3-4 hours during the day so she could sleep, and I picked him up after a long day at work.  When I returned home, I took the 2 year old shopping (which is a huge challenge right now in its own right), got him and her dinner, went out of my way to get her what she wanted, and came home.  I was out for several hours doing everything she asked for, and as soon as I returned, without saying anything else, she got upset because I had forgotten her condiment for dinner.  It was so miniscule an issue, but she just had to zero in on it and point out a flaw, after she basically had slept away the last 6 hours of the day (the newborn sleeps really well...so we got that going for us, which is nice).  

Certainly this is ADHD to some extent, but it is very hard for me to believe it is 100% the case.

The real challenge is that we've had 2 children since her diagnosis, and the majority of that time she has not been able to be medicated due to pregnancy & breastfeeding.  She wants more kids, and I'm nearly certain I cannot take another 2 years of this.  I've changed as a person, and not in a good way.  I used to be the doting husband who would go above and beyond, try to show love any way I could, and make lots of sacrifices along the way for her.  Now, I can only think about evening the score.  She makes intermittent attempts to improve, and acknowledges ADHD is a real factor--but of course they cannot be sustained.  I can't help but remember the years of hurt and loneliness of being a spouse of an ADHD partner, and so her little attempts to improve make no mark on me--so she retreats.

I live in a rural place where there are no ADHD therapists available--and to make matters worse, she herself is a trained therapist.  Yet, she cannot seem to use anything she's learned or been trained for--its like it was all for naught.  We have no family within a day's drive, and my wife tends to alienate most of her friends over time due to her ADHD.  I don't have the time to make or keep friends, because I'm either working or at home with the kids--there are no breaks for me.  I've broached the idea of having a regular guy's night..or something to allow me some outlet, but she just complains about the time and money it'll cost us.

I feel myself falling into a tailspin with no recovery, and I'm nervous it'll only end in total apathy, and probably divorce.  This really kills me inside, because our children will suffer (as well as my wife and I)...and I cannot bear the thought of my weakness causing a lifetime of difficulty for them...but that doesn't lessen the pain and hurt.

I welcome any and all suggestions...anything is better than this.