Like many couples in this forum, my bf and I struggle with trust issues sometimes. I will try to give a little background first before I ask my main question.
We were friends for years before we started dating. We've been dating for three years. His communication style tends to be passive-aggressive/avoidant, and then he stonewalls. He used to not tell me things that he thought would upset me if he still wanted to do them anyway. The worst one was when he planned a month-long cross-country road trip with his sister last year (he is unemployed), and didn't tell me until two days before he left. Seriously. Then he came back in September and things have been generally a lot better than they had been before. We have been communicating better with each other, he is trying to be more conscientious, etc.
I am under a lot of stress right now because my grandfather is dying and I recently started a new job. My bf has been unemployed/underemployed for almost a year since he graduated from law school and still lives with his parents and two of his three adult siblings. My bf usually tells me what he is up to. Today he didn't tell me he was going to visit an old female friend to help her with bankruptcy paperwork. He keeps me updated on the goings-on in his male friends lives, but not the lives of his female friends. He doesn't see this person often and apparently just wanted to help. I was really uncomfortable the one time I met her because I felt like they were flirting. I tend to be the jealous type, and I know that about myself, so I haven't given it much thought. A few hours went by tonight and I asked what he was up to, and he said he was "talking" to this person about the paperwork. I had to ask if he was actually at her house. I totally lost it, which I rarely do. I told him I wanted to break up, which I don't really, but I felt pushed over the edge. My over-reaction was partially because of family-related stress that I have right now, and also because my bf drops everything to "help" other people when I need him to be there for me. I had mentioned today that I was going to introduce a friend of mine to a guy friend of mine who my bf had accused me of going on "dates" with two years ago. (We were just co-workers and my bf thought he was interested in me.) In case this would bother him, I brought up the plans to him, but they ended up being canceled anyway. I was trying to be upfront. I thought that of all days, my bf went to visit this person today as a way of getting back at me (cynical of me to think, I know).
Anyway, my bf said that I am paranoid and that if I trusted him, I wouldn't need to know what his plans are before they happen. He said he doesn't tell me everything he does, and that he trusts me so he wouldn't care if I hung out with someone or even spent the night at their house. I think that matters even if you trust your significant other. What gets me is, we are in a serious relationship and my bf is not trying to imply that we aren't by saying he doesn't care who I hang out with. He acts morally superior because he told me about tonight at all, when I don't understand why he wasn't upfront with it. He said it was last minute. Even if it was, why did I have to ask multiple times? Why does he keep his phone face-down and computer password protected? I don't snoop, and deep down I don't think he is cheating. Why does he act shady then? I know he hates conflict and thinks I might overreact if I questioned something, but wouldn't it be easier to just explain it to me and avoid the whole problem? Is it unrealistic of him to expect me to trust him when he communicates so poorly? I'm not justifying my over-reaction, but he completely invalidates my trust issues. He yelled at me and hung up on me, and is stonewalling. Is this all my fault, or is this a defense mechanism on his part?