Like many couples in this forum, my bf and I struggle with trust issues sometimes. I will try to give a little background first before I ask my main question.
We were friends for years before we started dating. We've been dating for three years. His communication style tends to be passive-aggressive/avoidant, and then he stonewalls. He used to not tell me things that he thought would upset me if he still wanted to do them anyway. The worst one was when he planned a month-long cross-country road trip with his sister last year (he is unemployed), and didn't tell me until two days before he left. Seriously. Then he came back in September and things have been generally a lot better than they had been before. We have been communicating better with each other, he is trying to be more conscientious, etc.
I am under a lot of stress right now because my grandfather is dying and I recently started a new job. My bf has been unemployed/underemployed for almost a year since he graduated from law school and still lives with his parents and two of his three adult siblings. My bf usually tells me what he is up to. Today he didn't tell me he was going to visit an old female friend to help her with bankruptcy paperwork. He keeps me updated on the goings-on in his male friends lives, but not the lives of his female friends. He doesn't see this person often and apparently just wanted to help. I was really uncomfortable the one time I met her because I felt like they were flirting. I tend to be the jealous type, and I know that about myself, so I haven't given it much thought. A few hours went by tonight and I asked what he was up to, and he said he was "talking" to this person about the paperwork. I had to ask if he was actually at her house. I totally lost it, which I rarely do. I told him I wanted to break up, which I don't really, but I felt pushed over the edge. My over-reaction was partially because of family-related stress that I have right now, and also because my bf drops everything to "help" other people when I need him to be there for me. I had mentioned today that I was going to introduce a friend of mine to a guy friend of mine who my bf had accused me of going on "dates" with two years ago. (We were just co-workers and my bf thought he was interested in me.) In case this would bother him, I brought up the plans to him, but they ended up being canceled anyway. I was trying to be upfront. I thought that of all days, my bf went to visit this person today as a way of getting back at me (cynical of me to think, I know).
Anyway, my bf said that I am paranoid and that if I trusted him, I wouldn't need to know what his plans are before they happen. He said he doesn't tell me everything he does, and that he trusts me so he wouldn't care if I hung out with someone or even spent the night at their house. I think that matters even if you trust your significant other. What gets me is, we are in a serious relationship and my bf is not trying to imply that we aren't by saying he doesn't care who I hang out with. He acts morally superior because he told me about tonight at all, when I don't understand why he wasn't upfront with it. He said it was last minute. Even if it was, why did I have to ask multiple times? Why does he keep his phone face-down and computer password protected? I don't snoop, and deep down I don't think he is cheating. Why does he act shady then? I know he hates conflict and thinks I might overreact if I questioned something, but wouldn't it be easier to just explain it to me and avoid the whole problem? Is it unrealistic of him to expect me to trust him when he communicates so poorly? I'm not justifying my over-reaction, but he completely invalidates my trust issues. He yelled at me and hung up on me, and is stonewalling. Is this all my fault, or is this a defense mechanism on his part?
Take ADHD out of the picture
Submitted by sunlight on
The situation you're describing seems as though it could also occur in non-ADHD relationships. So, if there was no ADHD, what would you do then?
"He said he doesn't tell me everything he does" and then you ask "wouldn't it be easier to just explain it to me and avoid the whole problem?"
He's already told you. He doesn't tell you everything he does. So maybe he doesn't WANT to explain it to you because he doesn't WANT to tell you everything he does. Not just this latest blowup, but other things he's done that you probably don't know about. Because, as he says, he doesn't tell you. So asking why he doesn't tell you is leading to the answer "because he doesn't want to". And he says "he trusts me so he wouldn't care if I hung out with someone or even spent the night at their house" whereas you say "I think that matters even if you trust your significant other". So you two have a difference of opinions on how much you tell each other. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong. He doesn't seem to want to change and you don't seem to want to leave it alone and take him at his word. You say he communicates poorly but he says two things very clearly, one - he doesn't tell you everything he does and, two - he doesn't care or mind if you don't tell him if you hang out with someone else. He isn't communicating these things poorly, they are crystal clear, but you seem to want to believe that his poor communication skills must mean that he's trying to say something else. But what if he isn't? If there were no ADHD, what would you do?
I hear what you are saying
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
He and I may have different expectations of how much we share with each other. However, he gets mad when I take him at his word and apply it as a general rule. He doesn't always feel the way he expressed, either; reading this a few days later, the dynamic has shifted again. When he feels like telling me everything that is going on in his life (as he did yesterday), I am here. It's on his terms. Apparently I can't expect consistency.
What is really standing out is his short fuse. He has been very stressed out about not being employed and the friction between his parents and siblings. We went out to dinner last night and had a great time. He said it was good to get away from his house and have a drink. I noticed he was physically carrying stress and seemed unable to relax. He told me it was because he is unemployed and his brothers and mother have been arguing at home. I said I was there if he wanted to talk about it. He chose not to vent and tried to just exhale his stress away. It backfired later when we were discussing an article he read and he was difficult to talk to. He would interrupt me and tried to undermine every point I made. Neither of us were invested in the topic, but he used it as an outlet for his anger. It was a debate instead of a conversation. At one point he just blew a fuse and told me to shut the h*** up. I remained calm and said, do you think it's okay to talk to me that way? He kept trying to argue, and stormed out the door and left. He had a similar reaction to his brother the other week when they were eating dinner; they were having a neutral conversation and my bf flipped out and stormed away from the table.
We are supposed to visit my dying grandfather today and I haven't heard from my bf. What I am realizing is he rationalizes all of his behaviors. He rationalized not being open with me, and he rationalizes leaving and stonewalling. I think I misidentified the problem in my original post. I am the scapegoat for when he gets out of control. If we have a difference in expectations for our relationship, he tries to override it. ADHD or not, I agree that that is a problem.