Are these traits common in relationship with ADHD??

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years.  He has 3 kids and I have 2 kids and we have one son together.  We live together and split custody with our ex's.  We have a rollercoaster relationship.  We get a long great at times and we both feel so close to each other and very happy.  Then he says or does something very hurtful and we go down-hill for however long it takes us to reconnect. He is very sarcastic and likes to say things to get a rise out of me.  Sometimes I know when he is doing it, and other times the things he says are very hurtful and I'm not for sure if he means them or not.  His comments sometimes include ripping on me physically, or saying something about another girl, or anything else he can think of to mentally confuse me.  If I get hurt or upset by what he says, he says I should know him by now and know when he is joking and when he isn't.  For the first two years of our relationship he rarely worked.  The money he did make would go towards fun things like golf or fishing or drinking.  I paid all of the bills and took care of whatever we needed for the kids..presents, food, clothes, ect.  Now he is getting on his feet and works again.  He is a salesman.  He is very good with people and is also very handsome, so he is successful.  I am very proud of him for how hard he is working now.  I am do daycare at home, and also take care of our kids.  He seems to really like having me here at home.  He knows where I am and I can take care of everything here.  He doesn't like being at home much because of course his ADHD makes it hard for him to sit still for long and he likes to be doing things he enjoys.  He sometimes puts thoughts in my head about women hitting on him at appts, and his secretary being good looking and how he thinks she has a crush on him.  He tells me she is pretty, but that I have nothing to worry about.  I know that he was unfaithful to me early on in our relationship, but he has earned back "most" of the trust he lost.  The only thing is that his comments make me wonder, and I know that he needs a great deal of attention and needs to feel wanted.  It always makes me hurt and worry about what he may be doing or may do.  He is very good at lying, and I never really know if his hurtful comments that he swears he is joking about are true or made up.  Its hard to always have to be on alert and wondering.  I realize this is all part of trying to control me and my thoughts.  He doesn't want me to get a job, I believe its because he likes knowing I'm at home and that way he doesn't have to worry about me.  When it comes to our 9 mo. old son, he isn't much of a father to him.  He gives him a few hugs and kisses each day, but he doesn't take care of him really at all.  Its hard for me when his girls stay with us because I see how much he does do for them and how good he is at taking care of them.  His two year old daughter is everything to him.  He dotes over her and tells her constantly how much he loves her, how she's his buddy, how she's awesome, and on and on and on.  Its literally non-stop.  I wish I wasn't jealous, but I am.  I want to see and feel that closeness for his son that we have together.  I hope it comes as the baby gets older.  I know he loves him, but he just doesn't seem like he has connected with him yet.  He hasn't asked me to marry him yet, although he has said many times that he is going to.  My birthday is coming up in two weeks, and he has made mention of doing it then.  I want to be with him forever because I do love him very much, and as I mentioned, the good times we have together are very good, we have a lot in common, and we have a baby together.  I don't want to split up another family.  I know that if he doesn't ask me to marry him, I will feel let down and sad and wonder what is wrong with me and try harder to please him.  I feel like I try and try and try to be a good girlfriend, but its just never good enough.  As soon as I get upset with him and tell him how I feel about how he is acting, he gets very distant.  When we do argue, he gets very upset, swears, calls me names, sometimes if we are drinking it gets physical.  I don't back down, I have probably given him more bruises than he has me simply from trying to get him off of me.  Are these things that I'm describing typical of a relationship where there is ADHD or ADD involved?? 

I'm going to be straight up

I'm going to be straight up honest because this situation does not warrant a candy coating.

Regardless of whether or not ADHD is involved, what you have described is an abusive relationship. You mentioned that he calls you names and puts you down. You mentioned that he likes having you at home, which reads to me as he knows he can control you and likes it. And lastly, he gets physically violent when he drinks. Run, don't walk, away from this relationship. You're not married and you don't need to be. Marrying him will change nothing. You deserve better for yourself and your children.

I see a lot of people posting on here that use ADHD as a crutch to excuse bad behavior in their spouses. There are some bad behaviors that shouldn't be excused. Physical violence is one of them. My husband has diagnosed ADHD and he has never hit me. He's gotten angry, we've gotten angry, and in the heat of the moment, we've called each other names, but never with any regularity. We've always apologized to each other. We're both hot tempered, but now, we make an effort to not let a disagreement spiral out of control.

My husband has never compared me to other women nor has he dangled the fact that he works with pretty women in my face. My husband, who suffers from ADHD, while oblivious most of the time, loves me and he would never laugh off hurting me. He would be the first to come to me and hug me and tell me that he was sorry. When he makes mistakes he owns up to them and tries to change the behavior that caused the problem. He's not perfect, nor is our marriage, but I know his limitations and we're working together make things better.

By all means, approach him about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. But don't be surprised if the outcome is not what you want it to be. You have a very tough situation and some equally tough decisions. But in the end, you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are.

have to second that

KYLEEJO25, I have to second what dzdcnfsd just wrote, and I am sorry. I admire your courage in asking your questions. I am going to be straight here, too, and hope that it is ok. Sure, having a short fuse, and many of the other things you have mentioned, can be associated with ADHD, but there are some behaviors that are just not ok and should not be excused. I feel for you. I am sure you love him, and you have a child together. But physical violence is just not ok--it is abuse. These things have a way of escalating. What happens if it occurs in front of your son? Do you want to engage in physical violence over a period of years? Is this the model of a marriage you want for your son? 

Ripping on you physically, being sarcastic, talking about other women: these things are verbally abusive. Sarcasm directed toward another person can be contempt. I have lived for years with a spouse who will not make an effort to edit his speech and becomes incredibly defensive when I point out that something is hurtful, even if I do it kindly or calmly. And you know what? After years of it, it doesn't matter to me any more whether he means anything by it or "means to". It has worn me down to the bone to be with someone who has so little regard for my feelings, and who tells me that I am too sensitive or that if I were more secure it wouldn't bother me. Are you kidding? We deserve to have a husband who speaks respectfully, period. (Of course there are bad moments, but you are describing a pattern). 

He does not show much regard or care for his own son? Imagine if your friend or sister or cousin were telling you about a man who acted this way? He cheated on you and now tells you about women he meets who are attracted to him? You have a choice here---and I second this, too. Walk away from this man. You do not deserve this. Marriage will not make it better. Try counseling but before you proceed, not after.

Best of luck to you. 

Easier said then done:(

I agree with a lot of what you said.  I know physical abuse is NOT o.k.  I guess I have forgiven him because I have participated in it as well.  It has been in defense most of the time, but I know I have tore covers off from him for being called bad names before, which has triggered him to come at me.  This has only happened when alcohol is involved, and I feel as though its my fault as well.  I don't  know how to just shut my mouth and walk away and try to talk in the morning.  I feel like I'm overly jealous and I hate that about myself.  I know 99% of what he says about other women are to get a reaction, but I always wonder what if this one time he is being honest about his comment and I don't even realize it?? He did it again tonight.  He left an hour and a half before he was to go play basketball, when I asked him why he was leaving so early he said it was to go see another woman.  When he gets the reaction he wants from me, which he did, then he tells me I'm too sensitive, and when am I going to learn that he is just kidding.  He hates me questioning him, but yet if I leave the house for any period of time, I get many phone calls and questions about my whereabouts.  Its just not a good feeling.  I know if I could just keep my mouth shut and not give him the reaction he is looking for, maybe he would stop.  That is a hard thing to do because I feel disrespected and unappreciated for being here at home all day taking care of everything along with our baby, and then having to hear that come out of his mouth.  Does anybody have any suggestions for dealing with this?

The things you're saying are

The things you're saying are totally normal for people in abusive relationships to say. People feel like because they did something that made the other person mad, that means they "made" the other person abuse them. That's not true. No one is allowed to be abusive when they're mad, even if they're drunk. It is not your responsibility to make him stop being abusive. Your responsibility is to protect yourself. Please talk to someone.

Honey, it's not you. But

Honey, it's not you. But somehow, I don't think you're going to believe me. Any woman would be jealous if her partner cheated on her before and then flagrantly dangled his relationships with other women in front of her. Either of you acting out doesn't help, but that's what happens if a dysfunctional relationship. I'm not sure this man is capable of appreciating or respecting you...heck, nothing about his actions says that he even loves you. He may say it, but do you feel it? And drinking is no excuse for physical violence. And does he tell you that it's your fault that he has to beat up on you? Why--because he puts you in a position where you have to physically defend yourself?

So try this: for a few days, a week even, make a commitment to not let him get to you. If he goads you, don't reply. Don't start anything with him. Just be "zen". See what happens. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to pick a fight with you--either verbally or physically. That should be your answer.

In any case, you need to seek some sort of counseling. Go on your own at first, don't tell him because he will probably try to convince you otherwise or will mock your attempts. I think a counselor will best be able to help you and not us in this forum.

Hang in there.

I'm trying!

Well I'm staying in my Zen place as best I can.  I haven't started or said anything about anything he has said, but that doesn't mean I don't have to vent.  I am sure most people that read my previous posts will think this is a good thing, but my bf hasn't asked me to marry him yet.  He has been saying he wants to propose to me for the last year and a half. Its almost like he dangles it infront of my face, but never asks me.  When we were dating and not officially divorced, he said "what if I ask you to marry me as soon as I get divorced," then when I was pregnant it was, "what if I ask you to marry me right after the baby is born," then when he finally got a decent job it was, "as soon as I get my stuff together I'm going to ask you to marry me" and on and on.  Now its coming up on my 34th b-day and he was hinting that he is going to do it that night.  Yesterday he says, I'm ready to ask you, but its not going to be on your birthday in-front of your family, I want us to be alone.  I found a text on his phone to a friend of his.  She had heard we got engaged and was congratulating him, he replied "huh" and she said she was sorry, but that a couple people had told her we were engaged, he replied "nope, no chance."  I confronted him on this and told him that really upset me.   I felt very disrespected and hurt.  I don't feel like he is proud of being with me and taking that next step with me is ridiculous.  Even though I help take care of his kids, put food on the table, clean the house, cook the meals, take care of him when he's sick, am there for him always, along with his kids.  He said that he was just messing with her, and he does plan on marrying me.  That he also told her I was pregnant, which I'm not.  So he wants her to think he is a huge dick by having a baby with me, having me pregnant, and saying there is no chance he would ask me to marry him.  On my end, now that he is making up another excuse why he's isn't going to ask me, I feel like he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear to cool me down when I saw the message.  I feel like I'm being strung along.  Why do I even care at this point if he does ask me?  IDK He thinks that he is being pressured because his family all likes me and says he would be a fool to lose me.  I just feel like I am also very good to him, and if anybody should be unsure, it should be me, not him.  Yet, I'm the one that feels like I'm ready to settle down, I don't want to split custody with another child, I want this man to treat me the way I deserve and just plain love me.  I just don't know if he is capable of that with me because of all we have been through.  There, I feel better by writing this out.  I'm thankful for this outlet.  

Stay Strong

So glad that you came here to vent, Kylee. It does feel better to get it off your chest...even more so when you don't have to worry about starting a fight. :-) My counselor always tells me to write down how I really does work. 

Not withstanding the other issues your boyfriend has, he does sound somewhat like my ADHD husband. They are very impulsive; my husband was confessing to be in love with me two weeks after we started dating. Three months in he was talking marriage and when I took the bait and started planning, he suddenly started stalling. I should have just backed off (in retrospect). We actually got to two months before the wedding before I got an engagement ring. It's pretty sad now that I look back, and I'm kind of ashamed of myself.

I don't know what your resources are, but can you move out for a while? It might give you some might give you both some clarity. It might be an option, I think I remember you saying that you run a daycare from your home. Is it your home? Or his? Or did you rent it together? Perhaps you should ask him to leave for a while. Just tell him you need some time on your own to sort stuff out, get some counseling, etc. He may move on, or you may decide to move on, but I wouldn't worry about sharing custody. Didn't you mention that he has had very little to do with the baby?

I wouldn't present any of this as an ultimatum. Just some breathing room. If he reacts violently, Kylee, you have to call the cops. Heck, have a friend or family member nearby. Maybe not in the house but watching from outside or something.

Worst case scenario, you guys break up. Best case scenario, he gets his head on straight and starts treating you the way he should. It's not fair that he devalues your contributions to the household.

Stay strong.


Thank you once again for your reply and words of wisdom.  It helps so much to get an opinion from a source who doesn't know either of us.  Yes, he is very impulsive.  He likes to play mind games, and he is very good at telling you what you want to hear.  He told me on our second date that he loved me, and he has been telling me ever since that he has had something for me "a ring" and that he has known from the beginning that he wanted to spend his life with me.  Meanwhile, we have both threatened to end our relationship several times.  He tells me I'm his soul mate and best friend, but has lied, cheated, and verbally and mentally abused me many times, along with the few physical altercations we have been in.

As far as leaving him and taking to get some space and take a breather, about 3 months ago, we found out we have to leave my house that we live in now because I'm being foreclosed on due to his lack of work.  We found a place for us to live about an hour from here and we are supposed to move in two weeks.  He has told me he would like for me to take the summer off from working because he feels he owes me that much for supporting him and his kids for so long.  I would like to do that, but with the un-certainty of our relationship and his bad spending habits, it really scares me.  I have three kids to take care of, and if he decides or we decide we cannot be together, I am up a creek without a paddle. I have been applying for jobs to see what I can get.  I'm also doing online courses for medical transcription, but I have a few months to go before I finish that.  I want to get my feet under me and get a job so that I don't have to worry about taking care of my family.  On the custody, you're right, I don't believe there would be an issue there.  He already has three girls to take care of.  

I know he loves me, I just don't think he is capable of loving a person the way they deserve to be loved.  When he is happy and I seem to be doing things "right", he is so sweet, and it makes me want to keep giving and being what he wants.  I grew up without a father, and I think that is why I crave the approval of men, and want to please them so much.  I know that when my birthday comes and goes and I don't get a ring, I will feel let down again, angry, and bitter at him for leading me on again.  I don't want to feel like a fool.  Right now, I think he feels as though I'm begging for an engagement.  I know that if it doesn't happen, its for the best, and that gives me more time to think and to get my life straightened out.  I feel like I need to start distancing myself mentally from him, and finding more things to do on my own.  I'm 33 and I just want to know what my future holds.  Either way, I have three kids that need me, and thats what I need to put my energy and focus into.  

When it comes to his comments of other women, how can I handle it in a way that doesn't make me look insecure.  Do I just ignore it?  Part of me wants to talk about other men.  I am definitely not trying to be conceded, but I am a good looking women, I have had three kids and I am in good shape and I have always been complimented on my face.  I work out all the time.  I like to be in shape, and I know that I wouldn't have a hard time finding another man.  I do see other handsome men, but out of respect for him, I don't talk about them.  I tell him that the way he treats me is unfair.  He doesn't know what its like to stay at home all day while I'm out traveling around talking to lots of people.  He could never handle it.  Then to come home or call me and tell me about this girl or that girl, it hurts and its hard on me.  I have told him that when I get a job, I'm going to say things to make him worry and wonder the way he does to me, but I won't.  I won't because that's not who I am and I don't like to make others feel that way.  Plus I know that it would just cause us more trouble, and we don't need that either.  So, I just keep trying to keep peace, while he keeps trying to stir the pot.  He wants me to get upset, then when I do, he tells me I have a chemical imbalance, and that I need to stop worrying about things so much, and that I'm crazy for feeling the way I do.  Its consuming me, and I think it is driving me a little insane.  I want to focus on life, and kids, and other things, but he is all I think about, and I hate it!  I love him, but I hate him for making me feel this way.  I don't feel like this is how love should be. Ok, sorry...done for now.  

I think he's using the

I think he's using the engagement and the hints about cheating to make you insecure so that you crave his approval, and that gives him power over you. Then he tells you he was just kidding or you have a chemical imbalance so that you won't believe it's really abuse - that's called gaslighting, and it's common in abusive relationships. He has a real problem, besides ADHD, and I don't think he's safe to live with - at least not psychologically, and maybe not physically - unless/until he gets serious psychological help. I would be very worried about having my kids grow up under the influence of a person like him. I know leaving would be hard, but there are services for women in abusive relationships, you might be able to get help.

Well if you will be moving,

Well if you will be moving, then this is a good time to propose a "trial" separation. You do need to focus on your children. Most certainly do not stop looking for work. You need an exit strategy, if it comes to that, and you'll need money to execute it. You definitely need to remain financially independent, in any case.

On the subject of foreclosure, you don't have to be out of your house until the property sells and then new owner gives you notice. Bank up up your money, honey! I don't know how close you are to the sale, but you may have some time. I've done a lot of research on this as I am in a similar situation.

And you are right, this isn't how love should be. Now, if he is truly ADHD, their way of loving can be skewed. I know my husband loves me, but he doesn't show it like the seemingly happy marriages of my Facebook friends. He is working to do a better job of showing, so that's why I don't think the ADHD should be an excuse to disrespect a partner. He should respect you and respect isn't talking about how hot other women are. It sounds like at his core, he is extremely self-absorbed and yet has no self-esteem. He probably feeds off your jealousy, to be honest. You may notice that he'll get worse while you're not responding. Just keep on not responding. Best case scenario, he'll stop. And be conceited--you take care of yourself which shows that you have respect for yourself (deep down). There's always the desire to play mind games with them to get back--but it never works out, in my opinion. Like you, that's not my style. I've teased back on occasion, but nothing malicious. 

On the subject of him saying you have a chemical imbalance--well you can go get some anti-depressants, which might help you cope better. Or Xanex, which sounds like you could use something to help you chill out since you're in that situation. I'm on anti-depressants. They help a little. I used to be stark raving mad crazy when I was living separately from my hubby (and he was refusing to move back in). Now that we're back together, I haven't had any major melt downs in two months. All I can say is that I was vindicated because I kept telling him that if he would just move in, I would calm down. You might find that if you get away from him for a while, you might find yourself being a little less "insane." I was engaged to a guy (before i met my hubby) who drove me bonkers. Just very immature and no self esteem or direction. I was under the impression that I had a hormonal imbalance so I was on birth control and anti-depressants. Well lo and behold! when we broke up, I totally calmed down. I was sad yes, but I didn't need all the meds anymore. Of course, I got with my hubby and the problems came back. I, too, have daddy issues and so I have tendency to throw myself at my partner because I need validation. I'm trying to work through that it counseling. 

Keep hanging in there. There's got to be a happy resolution for you. It may not look happy at first, but you never know what may happen once you start what appears to be a dark road.

Its a new day, and more problems:(

Sounds like we have a lot in common!! Do you feel like you need a lot of reassurance from your husband? I am trying to work on that too.  I know its probably very annoying for him to feel like he needs to give me compliments and tell me how much he loves me all of the time.  I just feel like he has acted in a way that shows me his feelings are very up and down, and I don't know from one day to the next how he is feeling.  We get into such bad fights and so many bad things are said.  Just last night he was mad at me, called me a F-ing b-tch and then when I tried to ask him why he was so mad and what his problem was he said "you're my problem, just get the f-ck away from me." This wasn't even a big fight.  How does a person feel love when they are talked to like that, its hard!!  He left angry this morning again too.  I just feel like I can't win with him.  

We have a very hard time getting along on the weekends we have all of our kids together.  His parenting style is much different than mine.  He feels like he needs to make up for lost time and wants to spoil them more.  I love them all.  I try and treat them all the same, and make things equal.  I try to teach them responsibility and to be good people. He feels like its ok to tease and pick on my girls and wrestle them even if they don't want to be wrestled, but if I would ever make his girls cry with words or wrestle them and make them cry, he would come unglued.  We both want to protect our girls from anything negative.  He thinks its ok to talk about body parts and say swear words in-front of them, and I don't think they need to hear that stuff yet.  The oldest ones are only 7.  Its the hardest thing for us to come together and be a team when we have the kids.  It always feels like we are enemies and we both dread having our kids together.  If we have them on seperate weekends we would never have time for just the two of us, and we actually do have fun during that time.  


I'm glad you are doing your research and keeping things open for yourself, are you going through a foreclosure? I have until June 1st to stay here.  My birthday is next weekend, I kind of want to ride things out and see what happens that weekend.  I don't think he is going to ask me, and maybe it would be for the best.  It is really hard for me to walk the other way and think of us not being together.  I know I love him, I live for the times that he makes me feel really good, but they are getting farther and fewer between.  I think he is losing his patients with me as well.   I know you haven't given much information up about your relationship, but I hope that its going in a better direction and that you are happy. You seem like a wonderful person, and you have helped me out a lot in just the few days we have been talking.  Thank you!

 I know what you mean about meltdowns.  I feel like he just drives me so crazy sometimes.  Then on days like today when he hurts my feelings, he gets to just leave and I stay  here.  Today he is going to work and then golf, and then fish later tonight.  How nice, and I stay here.  I agree, I definitely need a job.  Staying at home would just give him all the control he wants and I do need an outlet, I do need money just in case.  This morning I told him I am sick of feeling this way.  He said, "what are you going to do then, do you want to break up, well, hurry up and say it, I have to go."  I said, things need to change.  It almost felt like he wanted me to say the words, "yes, lets break up ."  I feel like he makes me insecure, but then gets angry and frustrated when I need his reassurance.  He tells me he loves me all of the time, but then he can be so mean.  

I just feel like he is getting tired of having to work to make this relationship work, and so am I.  I'm starting to feel like maybe I do play a big part in how we are.  I am always needing more more more.  Once he fixes one thing, I find another thing to try and fix on him.  He did have A LOT of issues when I met him, but why can't I just be happy with what he has done?  Maybe if I wouldn't complain so much, he would be more loving and happy with me??  This is just how things go, my brain and thoughts are all over the place.  



I must live in ADD/Non-ADD Oppositeland...

Even before my ADD was diagnosed (about 3 years ago), I was and still am the easy going one who NEVER shouts names like you describe. I cannot imagine saying such things to someone I love. Now that I'm not oblivious about everything, I'm not nearly as laid-back, but Far from the explosive type. Parenting wise... I lay down the law and get under-cut on tough items like sleeping in their beds or staying home from school. Until recently, bedtime with DD#2 was a beating, because she did not want to sleep by herself. We have a grandma who lives with us, so that's where she would end up. If we would have my "NO" policy we would have have a short period of pain and suffering. My DW would swoop in after the horror show lasted more than 20 minutes and DD#2 knew it. So we had to split the bedtime duties because it was a beating, and my efforts were futile anyway because my DW would not support my efforts to set Structure. Two months ago we bought DD#2 a new bed and said Weekdays in Bed, Weekends with G-ma. I've taken her to bed every weeknight except 2 and now she might ask if she has to sleep in her bed, but accepts my answer and all is better. DD#2 IS ADD with Extra H and has always gotten stimulated over the conflicts. I wish I would have known what was going on 8 years ago... The explosive temper/melt-downs come from my Non-ADDer wife. I hope she gets the anger under control, because DD#1 is a teenager and they but heads like you would not believe...

I guess all we can do is keep working on ourselves...

Frustrated and hurt.

Today, I went to Wal-mart, wanted to do something nice and try and turn our bad streak around.  I got him a very sweet card.  Told him how much I loved him, despite our differences, I want to be there for him always and have him in my life.  He got the card and said thank you.  After that, he proceeded to tell me about his friend who went to the bar that I don't care for this week and saw the bartender that I also don't care for.  I got to hear about how she was wearing leather boots and looked very hot.  The reason I don't like this bartender really has nothing to do with her, and all to do with my bf.  When I was preggo, I wanted to be a good sport and have fun with him.  We went to some bars on a few different occasions and I would drive.  We went to the bar talked about above and there was a really pretty bartender.  At this time I thought nothing of it, but he did.  Later that night once he was drunk he started trying to get her attention in front of me and made a pretty big scene.  After that he told me he knew who she was, I asked him how, and he just said someone was talking about her.  Low and behold, he was seeking out information about her.  Then another time when he was drunk her name came up, he told me how she was a solid ten and how he would f-ck her.  I was still preggo.  Now when her name comes up or him and his buddy want to go to that bar, I get un-comfortable and upset.  I don't want anything to do with that bar or being around her.  Its very uncomfortable to watch him and his buddy look at her.  Like I said, its not her.  I don't have anything against other pretty girls.  Its just that when my bf has hurt me and she has been in the center of it, I shut down.  He knows this, so for him to talk about her tonight, after I gave him this loving card just hurt again.  Of course he could tell I wasn't happy and said I was psycho and crazy because I let her bother me.  He said I should get on meds and that I'm a very insecure person.  I guess I just wouldn't ever make someone I love feel uncomfortable about another man if I knew I had done or said anything to hurt them in the past.  I have more respect for him than that.  I am mad at myself for giving him the reaction he was looking for.  

I decided to go running and clear my head.  I went to the track and took 4 of our kids with.  When I got done, I came home and he asked how far I ran.  I said 3 miles, he replied with, "you should have ran more and got rid of that cellulite on the back of your legs."  I ignored it and made sure not to let him know that bothered me.  Kidding or not, its not funny or nice.  I guess it gives me motivation to lose the last 10lbs I have wanted to lose.  The funny thing is, I'm starting to think I look gross.  I have never had anybody tell me anything but how good I look, except him.  I am in the best shape of my life and I still feel icky because of his statements.  

I'm sorry to read your story...

There is no excuse for deliberate intent to hurt you. Untreated ADD shows in so many forms and conflict / abuse are definitely included. Many ADDer's use conflict to stimulate them. Sometimes, and I am familiar with this one, they feel like they have done something that cannot be forgiven and feel terrible about what they have done and act out thinking if the one they hurt leaves it would really be easier. The "Reset Button" is pushed and an ADDer thinks it is better to start over and try not to mess up the next relationship. Groundhog Day is all that is accomplished. It sounds to me that your guy gets stimulated by flirty behavior and conflict. Until he realizes what is going on with him, he is likely doomed to repeat this behavior. He probably feels bad, but you might not see any display from him that he does. Deflect and blame is easier to do than accept that you are in fact causing the hurt.

I hope your BF figures it out, but you don't need that abuse. If I told my DW there was a girl I wanted to F, she would kick me to the curb. I would never say ugly things about how she looks, she won't accept my compliments anyway, especially since I lost weight. I discovered walking after my diagnosis and combined with not self medicating with food, I'm down about 100 lbs and have kept if off for almost 2 years. So you keep running, it will make you feel good and it's great for the kids. If you can ignore his jabs at you, he won't get the shot of dopamine that he craves and will have to deal in other ways. The verbal vomit ADDer's really pi$$ me off. We have wiring problems, but we don't have to intentionally hurt others for our stimulation. Many just don't see what they are doing. As many have said, you can only fix yourself. You have to decide how much to put up with from your ADDer. I hope things improve for you soon.  

Agree and Agree

I agree with both Dazed and Confused and YYZ.  I think he is trying to push me so that I make the call to end it and he doesn't have to take the blame, thats exactly how I felt this morning.  I also agree that he is at the point where he wants to hit "reset" and start over fresh with another woman.  He has no desire to get help and I know that this pattern will continue with the next girl if I choose not to stay in this relationship.  Its funny because his ex-wife told me I would become the new her, I didn't believe it at the time, he was so loving and sweet to me, but I see it now.  I am starting to get some clarity.  Hearing others say how this behavior of his is wrong helps me to know that its not just me, I'm not psycho.  I know I'm far from perfect, and I have many issue of my own, but I'm not crazy.  I think this verbal and mental abuse will get worse.  I feel like the love he shows for me now is sort of fake and not heart-felt.  I fear he will start reaching out and cheating on me to get what he isn't getting from me.  I am starting to hope that this next weekend doesn't bring an engagement.  I love so many things about him, but its the hurtful comments and fights that I don't know if I can take.  I guess I have some tough decisions to make.

YYZ, good for you on the weight loss!!! WOW, 100lbs is amazing.  Its not easy to lose weight, and even harder to keep it off, very proud of you:)  I hope your situation gets better, it sounds like you have taken the steps to help yourself.

Dazed and Confused, I'm in the same situation with the house.  I'm at peace with it, but I do not like what its doing to my credit, especially being in this relationship.  I will figure it out though.  I would love to move to the house and stay there, getting a  job would secure that one hurdle.  Its on a lake and the kids love it there.  They are very excited about  moving and I don't want to ruin that for them, I also don't want to ruin it for his kids.  I also care about their feelings and love them.  They are a big part of why I hate to walk away.  They don't need another mess in their lives.  I know they hear us fight and go around and they don't need that either.  Its such a messy situation.  


Oh, do I ever agree...

I remember once, his mother swearing me to secrecy when she said to me, "I hate to say this, but you are having the exact same problems as him and his first wife..."

I assume "reset" is much to do with the reason behind my husband's online dating profile.

Yet, getting him to have sex is like pulling teeth?

Truly the bizarro world sometimes.

I don't get it...

I'm Not trying to hit the "Reset Button" and I've NEVER said no to "S". I thought more of us ADDer's craved "S"??? I cannot imagine the guys who are not interested... It's sure listed in Delivered from Distraction as a Dopamine source that many crave.


Mmmm That Issue Appears To Be Half Dozen/ One To The Other

I've heard both sides of the sex thing.

The main thing I've noticed is it seems extreme, either way.

Either wants it all the time or nothing.

I definitely have felt I got the *insert terrible joke* (master)bait n switch here.

You kinda don't hear socially men giving the cold shoulder, so there's that stigma too. 

A few years into my marriage, I can't tell you how into the $hitter my self esteem was n I'm not even bad looking. I get plenty of attention everywhere EXCEPT my husband.

Also, in case there's the thought that I'm a hideous horrid nag or something, this is a second marriage AND I get along swimmingly with my ex husband. This definitely never came up n we did it like rabbits. Was never an issue until the actual relationship went south, which is the normal course of things.

It really starts racking up.... no sex, no communication, no partnership= living nightmare with the man I thought I'd spend my life with.



I guess you are right. Many guys probably blowing smoke about how much "S" they have. I'd never say in public how much I don't have... I'm very attracted to my DW and wonder why she does not seem to be attracted enough to move past the crap in the day and release the stress in a productive/fun way. When I was heavy she had told me she was not very attracted to me like she used to be. After diagnosis, and I thought a more involved less oblivious me, I'm in the best shape of my life and I might as well weigh 285 lbs again. My self esteem is better than it ever was, but the one I really care about will not move past her anger at me I guess... Like you say, I get some attention from people in public which is nice, but I'm not married to them. It's a nightmare I hope to wake up from soon.

The more you talk about the

The more you talk about the way things are, the more your boyfriend does sound ADD. As you may or may not know, ADHD folks usually have another psychological disorder that they trade in. My hubby's seems to be borderline personality disorder. Your boyfriend sounds very narcissistic. He is very self-centered, that's for sure. I totally think you should keep trying for a job in order to achieve some sort of independence.

I think he can't make a decision about your future--ADHD folks sometimes have problems with that. It sounds like he is pushing you to make the call so he doesn't have to take the blame. I still stand by the idea of trying to separate for a while to get some clarity. You may do that realize that it might be as hard as think it will be or you may decide that you really just can't live without him. He may do either as well. 

YZZ is right; if you truly love someone, you would have issues with calling them names or degrading them. This isn't a situation of a one time, blow out fight where someone says something they shouldn't. He's verbally abusive as a rule. ADHD can not be used to excuse that.

I will be going through foreclosure soon. I'm two months behind and have no desire to save the house. We moved for a job so we don't even live in the same city anymore. The house was in a bad neighborhood and was an even worse mistake. We tried to get approved for a short sale but were turned down because we rented the house out. I've made my peace with it for the most part. I hate screwing up my credit score but fortunately, my hubby wasn't on the mortgage so eventually he will be able to buy something for us.

Continue to hang in there. It seems like you are getting more clarity on the situation. I'm glad that I have been able to help, even if it has only been in some small way. 

Mad at myself

Well, I am very upset with myself.  We had a really good day Saturday and an even better talk about our relationship.  We went golfing with his dad and sis-n-law, got along splendid.  Talked about a lot and I thought we were really finally moving forward.  We got done golfing and his sis-n-law invited us to have a drink.  Then we stopped at the Tavern and met up with a bunch of people we knew.  The night was going great and we were very loving towards each other, but we were both drinking quite a bit.  I didn't see the end of the night coming.  There was a girl at the bar that has said some really bad things about me.  One time when my bf was out with his buddies, she was talking about me to him and his friends, she didn't know he was my bf and father of my 3 mo old son, so she didn't hold back.  I guess she was saying how I am a slut and a whore and how she can't stand me.  My bf met up with us that night, and told me about what she had said.  I asked him if he stood up for me and told her he was my bf and we had a baby together.  He said of course he did.  He said he didn't care about what she said, just that it was embarrassing to hear that infront of his friends.  This girl hasn't liked me for a long time.  Her younger sis was dating my ex-husband before him and I got together, and they blamed me for the break-up.  Anyway, I see her out Saturday night and her and her husband kept looking at me.  My bf told me I should go over there and talk to her and kill her with kindness.  Well, I had enough to drink and thought that was a pretty good idea too, not so much.  I went to talk to her and it eventually comes up about the night she was trashing me to my bf and his friends.  I said I bet you felt pretty dumb after he told you he was my bf and we had a baby together.  She told me he didn't say he was my bf, didn't even mention it.  So, I have him come over because of course I believed him.  He admitted that he didn't stick up for me and didn't claim me as his gf nor did he say anything about us having a baby together.  Right there, I just got really upset.  I told him we needed to leave the bar and we fought the rest of the night.  I don't understand why he didn't stick up for me and lied to me about it.  I felt like he set me up for having me go and talk to her.  I guess if I were in his position I would have said something to the person talking so badly about him.  I am ashamed to say, I don't remember everything that was said between him and I after this.  I know I called him a loser said he was abusive, and some other really mean things.  He told me I was used up and after having 3 kids nobody would want me, and I know he said lots of other mean things.  Back and forth the hurtful words flew.  After having such a good day together, I feel like I ruined it.  At the time I felt it was valid for me to be that angry.  After looking back, I handled things the wrong way.  I got so mad about something that happened almost a year ago.  I pretty much blew up and there was no controlling how upset I was.  He tried to calm me down, but I was just too hurt.  I get to a point when I'm drinking where if something is said or done to really make me mad, I can't turn it off.  I know that when I get like this, its never good and it seems like its caused us so many fights.  I tell him I will just drink beer or not drink at all, but when we go out, he wants to have fun with me and thinks I can control  it and I do as well.  I know that if I drink past a certain point I will forget things and not remember the next day.  I always think I can control it, but I can't.  I'm so upset at myself for not being able to learn from these mistakes that I make when I drink. I always think I will never do it again and I CAN BEAT IT and be normal.  My bf is more of a happy drunk and I'm more of a fighter.  I watched it growing up and I'm the same way now and it bothers me that I have to be like that.  I just want to be happy and have fun and no drama or fights, but 75% of the time, our nights when we drink end up badly:(:(

Sorry you had a bad evening...

Do not feel alone or be too hard on yourself. Dealing with an ADDer for a long time can sure leave a historical string of bad history in your mind. Taking away the specifics of what happened and came up from your situation, the flow of your evening and the eventual outcome I have seen over and over again. Over the last 3 years, there have been many ups and downs and not nearly enough couple time for us. (I chronicled about this many times. "We" seem to come last in terms of free time) So when we would go out, things would start off really nice, happy like the old days. We would have a couple of drinks and at first they took the edge off, but before long my DW's anger shows up over something from the past that we have been through a million times. I "Used" to shut-down feeling guilty, but these days not so much. I'm the happy drinker (I don't really drink much), my wife can get switched to fight mode at the drop of a hat. (She does not drink much either). I don't yell or call names, but I don't lay down anymore. I DO get mad, because everything was going well and now it's going to end badly, again... 

We have so little chance to go out together and this repeat process ruining the rest of the weekend pi$$es me off. If there was a fight over something new that I had done, I'd understand, admit fault and try to correct the situation. But taking a beating over things "Forgiven" and not repeated by me makes me mad. I asked in the very beginning when my ADD was discovered if she could forgive me. I promised not to repeat the mistakes. This was critical to me, because I cannot make the past go away. I can only resign to be a better me. We have not had one of these evenings together in a while, so there have not been any of these fights, but we have not gone out together as a couple much either. If we cannot relax and spend time together, how will the bedroom ever improve? This working business relationship is driving me bonkers.

I read your story and could not help but notice the similarities, so I thought I'd let you know it must be somewhat common. 

I'm sorry to say there

I'm sorry to say there does sound like  a lot of similarities.  I am going to take most of the blame.  I have gotten mad over things in the past, however, many of them have been repeated, but not in a long time.  I no longer get upset about our past fights any longer.  He just says a lot of mean and hurtful things to bring about new issues.  I totally relate, our evenings start out the same way and end badly.  All we both want is to go out have fun and come home and make love.  Somehow that rarely happens.  I want so badly to end this cycle, so I have to make the changes.  He is a happy drunk, but once he has gotten me upset, he says some really  nasty things and our fights escalate quickly.  I don't think he should lay down and let me throw my fit, but he has to understand that many of the things he does causes the problems.  I guess had that girl told me he stuck up for me and at least claimed to be my bf and father of our child I would never have gotten mad.  It still shouldn't make me go over the edge.  I sound like your wife in this respect, and I'm not proud of it.  I don't want him to not want to go out and have a few drinks with me.  I just have to start somewhere and keep myself in check.  There has been so many mean and hurtful things done to me, that I think deep down the pain is there, and when alcohol comes into play it brings those things out.  He has made many changes, and I agree, he or you should not be beaten up for those past mistakes.  I know I can make the changes I need to make.  I just feel guilty for soooo long.  I hope your wife can make the changes too, it sure sounds like you have!!  


You certainly had a right to be upset finding out your bf did not stick up for you and your child. I could not believe your bf sent you to talk to her for any reason. (I would have been terrified for the two of you being in the same room, if I was in his shoes) My failing was befriending a woman I worked with (Nothing emotional/physical) but I tried to get some insight into how to improve my situation at home. This breach of trust was worse to her than if I had slept with her. I have never yelled at her or called her names, ever, but the shattered trust is what has been broken and ADD is not relevant to her. I know all about filling up the empty trust bucket and that is what I have been working on, but nothing really seems to get "Normal" (I know...) relations back on track. These relations are not everything, but ARE very important for two to stay connected. I hope things keep going in the better directions for you. 

Hope on the Horizon


Hang in there. Everyone hits a snag here and there. I would have been pissed if my hubby didn't take up for me if someone was trashing me. But it was a year ago and I don't think you should dwell on it too much and don't let it put you in a funk and ruin the progress you have made.


It will get better. My marriage is kind of like a roommate situation right now too. One year and counting since we did the deed. Lol. Hubby says that the only way he could remain faithful while we were split up was just to shut down everything even remotely sexual. It bothers me some days because I think he doesn't want me that way, but then I have to remind myself that we are still re-building our relationship. Neither of us were promiscuous before we got married, so in some ways, it would be awkward for us to jump back into bed before getting to know each other. I felt like there was some progress a couple weeks ago when we went away for an overnight trip. I was hoping for something since we were staying in a nice hotel. Hubby injured his shoulder pretty bad a few days before and he jumped right in there and told me that he was thinking about initiating sex a lot lately, but was falling apart and wanted to not be in pain when we did. It made me feel better that I didn't have to prompt him to get that confession and to be honest it helped relieve the tension a bit. Unfortunately, I'm going through a death in the family right now, so my sex drive has gone into hibernation again.

I can relate to how your wife may feel. I had A LOT of anger from the constant letdowns caused by hubby's ADD-related problems. It was almost impossible not to be with him, even on "good" dates, and not be constantly reminded of how far we had gotten from our initial loving relationship. I can say that our most recent dates have been very nice. I think I'm starting to let go of the anger and embrace a new future.

I can't remember if you have said that you and your wife are in counseling but I can't recommend it enough. It takes some time. Hubby and I have been in since November of last year and are starting to see things come together now.


Things just have to improve in the BR. We went to two sessions of counseling right after my diagnosis. The Dr. was also my DW's counselor she had seen of and on for years. The sessions were good, but hardly enough. I have asked no less than 4 or 5 times in the last few months to go back to the counselor. She keeps saying she needs to go herself, but does not make the appointment. It's hard to move too far forward when there has never been much acknowledgment of my ADD, other than my weight loss. (Which I had lost 40 of my 100 lbs before Adderall) I hope we start having a few good dates soon, because I need a physical connection, not just S, but an arm around me in bed or a back rub (I never stopped back/neck rubs) Physical disconnect and room mate status really took it's toll on my for years before life spun out of control and my ADD was diagnosed. Hopefully the longer time goes things will improve. Fighting inattentive ADD and having no physical connection is extraordinarily difficult. Thanks for the response. 

Very true. When you're at the

Very true. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up...or so they say.

I'd definitely push for counseling. That's great that she wants to go on her own, but if she's not going to make it a priority, I would take the bull by the horns and schedule a joint session. All you can do is tell her the truth--that you're not comfortable with the way your marriage stands and that you would really like to see some improvement. I can't imagine not wanting to acknowledge my hubby's ADD. I was so relieved when he was diagnosed... I just wanted answers!

Hang in there.

Intimacy is Important


It sounds like you are being very patient with your DW in many different ways.  You are taking the right steps, and it sounds like you are pushing for the right things.  I understand her trust issues, but it really sounds to me like you have been faithful and have really put yourself out there to be a good partner.  Do you ever have suspicions that she is talking to another man?  Just curious not trying to put the idea into your head.  Keep doing what you're doing and hopefully in time things will come around.  It seems like you really love her and are devoted to making this work.  I wish my bf was as patient and tried as hard as you to make his problems better.  I know its frustrating not being able to be intimate.  Its very important for a relationship and can really make a couple feel closer.  I can see that you need it for your own reassurance and also to feel closer to her.  Good luck, keep being strong and tell yourself that you are doing the right things.  

Dazed and Confused,

I have forgiven him for not sticking up with me.  I know had I been sober, I would have been upset, but not quite that upset.  What's done is done.  I'm sure he didn't want to cause drama infront of his friends.  He has made many turn arounds since that incident a year ago, hard to believe hearing all the negative things I have said about him.  He had so many problems that even with all of the strives he has made, he still has a lot of shortcomings.  I guess we all do.  I am proud of him for the accomplishments he has made and I hope that he keeps trying.  The last couple days he has been really sweet, and actually been taking an interest in our son, which makes me so happy.  I know this weekend there wont be an engagement, and I am fine with that.  We have things to work on, and even if he has hinted and I have been excited about the thought of being engaged and getting married, I want it to be for the right reasons.  I don't want to be in a relationship that has this many problems for the rest of my life.  I guess if we can continue to get along and not fight so much then we can talk about our future.  I don't want to give up, we have too many little one's depending on us, but they also need to be around two people that love each other and treat each other that way.  Intimacy is not great on our end either.  I want to be more physical, but he has issues there too.  There is usually never any foreplay, it doesn't last long, and it doesn't happen often.  In my previous marriage it was the exact opposite, but I wanted nothing to do with it.  I cried when it was over and was just grossed out by the thought.  With my current bf, I really want to be intimate, but it just doesn't happen that often.  I'm glad that there is no pressure like there was before to have sex every night.  I guess I don't dwell on our bedroom life, I would rather everything else come together first.  I know he is a little insecure about his performance and prefers being intimate when he is drinking.  I would rather not be drinking, it takes away from it completely and I don't enjoy it nearly as much.  I hope things turn around for all of us.  I know every relationship has its issues, maybe ours a few more than normal, but its nice to know I'm not alone and neither are you:) !