Arrrrggggg I hate doctors!

Sooooo all the tests came back fine.  No cancer (or so they think), but they also cant find out what is screwing with his immune system and making him so sick all the time.  Two separate ear infections, bronchitis and a sinus infection all in the last month and a half?  Something has to be going on, in the six years we have been together he has been sick two times total before this!  I just about begged them to redo the blood sugar test (diabetes runs heavily in his family) and to test his vitamin/mineral levels in his blood and got told nope it cant be any of that.  REALLY?????  So lets just keep him sick and tired (in the past six months he has went from sleeping 7-8 hours a night to sleeping 12+) all the time so he an ass to live with.  And of course considering one doctor said there is nothing wrong he wont even THINK about getting a second opinion!!

The last two days have been hell!!  ADHD is back in full force...my DH been avoiding me like the plague and when I asked him what was wrong he told me that I am trying to change him.  So he was going to ignore me and anything I said and doing whatever the hell he wanted anyway, because he didn't care what I thought.  When I asked him to explain what I had done to make him feel that way, he told me that he "shouldn't have to explain anything I should already know".  Cause we all know I'm both psychic and can read minds!! For the record I haven't even asked him to do anything let alone told him what to do in over a month!  Back to sitting in my office crying...this whole thing SUCKS!  I think it sucks more because I thought we were finally in a good place and making progress and come to find out hes just been giving me a line of bs, telling me what I want to hear (his words not mine).  I am trying soooo hard to let God handle this, but I'm failing miserably....

If I was a betting person I would bet my DH is getting ready to leave again and pushing me away so its easier for him.  He has quit his internship, stopped wearing his wedding ring again, wants to go down to his moms alone at the end of the month, talking to his ex from 10 years ago (she needs a knight in shining armor and a daddy for her kids), he has pretty much cut ties with all his friends here (picking dumb fights with them and then deciding he doesn't need them anymore) and he told me that he looked into transferring back to his previous college (down by his mom) because the one up here is too hard.  He got a 98% instead of a 100% on a paper and now he is pissed and wants to drop the class because "the teacher doesn't know what shes doing".  If it does happen, I know I can make it on my own even though I don't want to.  I have a good job now and I can pay the bills.  But this time, as much as I love him and seriously want my marriage to work and be happy, if he leaves I don't think I will be able to take him back.  I know that sounds horrible, but I need him to be 100% committed to me and his family!  I need someone that can be open and honest and be my best friend.  Most of all I need to come first (after his daughters of course) before ex's and friends that have gotten themselves into situations that are their own fault. If your friends problems are so bad that the county, state and their own family wont help them then they have burned too many bridges and no one is to blame but them! I'm not perfect, far from it actually, but I have gotten MYSELF out of every bad situation I have put myself in.

I know this is really long...thanks for letting me vent.  You all are awesome!  ~~HUGS!~~

 

I'm so sorry to hear about all the stress...

Doctors... We could start a WHOLE New Forum... Your husband should decide what to do after the non-diagnosis of his illness, take that off your plate.

I can only make a quick note right now, but it's not fair for you to have to live wondering IF/When the Next Great Escape is being planned. NOT wanting to leave is kind of the Foundation of a marriage. Good greif...

I hope things improve for you soon...

YYZ

Life isnt fair...

Isn't that what they always tell us?? Thanks for the support YYZ.  Honestly I don't know what to do anymore...things seem to improve, seem to be going in a positive direction and then bamm!  He hates me and the relationship (claims he was putting on an act to make me happy) and I'm the bad guy again. I just want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

I typed up a reply and had IE

I typed up a reply and had IE freeze up (15th time today...getting really pissed!!) and it 'refreshed' my window. Let's try again.

I will call BS to the "was telling you what you wanted to hear" line. He told you what he felt AT THE TIME and that seems to change as often as he changes his underdrawers. I have always believed, and always will believe, that these kinds of attacks are a way to ease the guilt they are feeling. He is making the wrong decisions, based on his vows BEFORE God to you, and he has to justify it by making it all your fault somehow. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Get off of the Crazy-go-round lady...let him unravel, move away, quit school, and whatever else he is compelled to do all in the name of seeking 'greener grass'. Let this be 100% HIS choice. Go silent. (as Got It says) Engage only when he speaks to you, be kind, be true to who you want to be and physically remove yourself from the verbal diarrhea when he starts spewing it. You will only find peace and acceptance when you TRULY realize that there is nothing you can do to control this, but you can control your own reactions. My best guess is that you've said something completely innocent or been behaving in a way that makes him feel you're 'needy' (again most likely a completely innocent gesture or comment) and he's scared $h!tless. Another possibility is that your marriage is teeter tottering at the same rate, in the opposite direction, as his relationship with his ex is. They're on, you're off. They're off, you're on. Maybe he has tried, maybe he means it when he says he wants to be there one day, but doesn't the next. Maybe he has no clue what the F he wants. Don't let it be your problem anymore. It will hurt, and be difficult, but remove yourself from this situation as best you can and let him flail about and land where ever he feels he belongs. ANYTHING you say will be construed as 'controlling'.

Please know that you're in my prayers. I agree 100% with YYZ, NOT wanting to run away every time you get an itch IS the foundation for marriage...because as long as there is that itch, there will NEVER be the kind of marriage that you deserve. I know this all too well. Just take some quiet time to reflect on how you want to react if presented with scenario A or scenario B...or whatever he throws your way...and just always remember that you deserve to be his everything and not his "I want you...no I don't...yes I do...no..wait" I am with you on the 'if he leaves, I can't take him back' thing...you just know when you've reached the end of your line. Whatever you do, keep your head held high and your dignity in tact. You've done nothing wrong and don't let him believe you have. ((HUGS))

Sherri

arwen's picture

is he on, or off, meds?

If your husband is not on any kind of SSRI or antidepressant, I would suspect the source of his infections is low system serotonin.

It is important to understand a couple of things about serotonin.  About 90% of the body's serotonin resides in the gut, most of the remainder is in the central nervous system.  To excerpt from wikipedia, serotonin "has various functions. These include the regulation of mood, appetite, and sleep. [Brain] Serotonin also has some cognitive functions, including in memory and learning. Modulation of serotonin at synapses is thought to be a major action of several classes of pharmacological antidepressants. . . [Serotonin] serves as a vasoconstrictor and helps to regulate hemostasis and blood clotting. Serotonin also is a growth factor for some types of cells, which may give it a role in wound healing."  Serotonin *does not cross the blood/brain barrier*, so serotonin outside the brain does not affect serotonin inside the brain.  However, anything that affects the body's production of serotonin outside the brain will also affect the production inside the brain.

Many doctors (incredibly) are unaware that low serotonin may have a negative impact on the immune system.  (good web article at: http://biopsychiatry.com/serotonin/immune-system.html).  This article says that doctors don't yet know whether serotonin's impact is beneficial or detrimental.  My personal observations have been that low serotonin correlates with low immune function.  I've observed changes in both my ADHD husband's and his ADHD father's tendency towards infection at times when it's very probable that their serotonin levels have dropped  due to changes in medications that are believed to impact serotonin levels.  Interestingly, they seem most prone to fungal infections when their serotonin is low, rather than bacterial or viral.

I myself started taking 5HTP supplements some years back, to deal with mild seasonal depression in the winter, and noticed that from that point forward, I also had a lot fewer colds each winter.

Granted, this is anecdotal evidence, not controlled studies, but up to now I haven't found any cases where higher serotonin correlated with people getting *more* infections.

Your husband's increased susceptibility to infection tracks very well with his worsening behavior conditions.  My suggestion is that you find a *neuropsychiatrist* (who *should* understand these things), quickly -- if your DH won't see a neuropsychiatrist, talk to the neuropsychiatrist yourself and get him/her to recommend some other doctor (e.g. internal medicine) who they know that understands these things, that maybe you could persuade your spouse to see in order to get a "second opinion".  Perhaps if your husband can be persuaded by a doctor that he needs to take some kind of meds or supplements for more than just his ADHD, he may be more willing to take them, and you may find you have killed two birds with one stone.

I hope this helps -- you are in my prayers!

"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."  Albus Dumbledore

Meds are out of the question :(

I wish it was a simple as all that arwen.....he completely refuses to get a second opinion.  I'm really afraid it may be the beginnings of diabetes...I watched my grandpa die from that horrible disease and it wasn't fun.  But now that I think about it his being sick coincides completely with him quitting the antidepressants. He does take vitamins every day so maybe I will try adding the 5HTP too and just tell him its a new vitamin.  I hate being sneaky like that, but its worth a shot. 

My DH was on antidepressants (for a short time ADHD meds too) and seeing a counselor for approx. a year and a half and it significantly helped him (I wasn't the only one who noticed the change).  Unfortunately about three months ago coworkers of his convinced him that he didn't need medications and that seeing a counselor was pointless.  They have actually convinced him that the counselor put stuff in his head, so that he would think something was wrong with him and have to keep coming back.  Once he decided to quit taking the meds (they also convinced him that I was behind the meds and I was trying to "change him") they consistently have told him that they "like" him better without them and that hes more fun to be around.  Of course hes more fun....hes ADHD, impulsive, doesn't give two shits what anyone thinks and "forgets" hes married. 

Sherri...he knows how I feel about him, our marriage and our family.  If he chooses to throw all that away, its on him.  It will hurt like hell...but eventually I will be ok, I have no other choice.  What he wants changes on a daily basis, I just pray that he will figure it all out before he does something we will both regret.

Thanks both of you for your words of support...I greatly appreciate it!  ~~HUGS~~

The friends...

When my DH was teetering the way your DH is in the fall of 2009, he made it a point to surround himself with people that would 'support' his way of thinking. He wanted to cheat, so he surrounded himself with friends who would convince him that it was Ok, nothing wrong with it, and that would agree with him about how horrible I was and how I deserved it. His friend that told him "don't do it" got shoved to the side during that time in his life. So, what I feel is that it isn't his friends convincing him of anything...ADHDers aren't really known to do 'what others tell them' to do, they do what they want because it satisfies their need for instant gratification. My DH wanted attention. He wanted to feel loved. It was much easier to find a few face, one who hadn't been beaten and battered by his ADHD, than to fix his marriage. The friend that told him "You have everything you need at home" was the one who got left in the dust. Your DH wants desperately to rid himself of the reality that his ADHD is out of control and that it is the root of all of the demons he is battling. There is something about taking the meds that I suspect makes many of them feel they are 'admitting' that they are being hurtful and that the marriage problems are their fault too. This is why so many of them resist it and refuse to take them...because if you're taking a pill then you're basically admitting you have a problem that you cannot control. For all of the accusations of control they throw out, ironically they control and dominate more lives with their 'tunnel vision' and chaos than we could ever possibly dream of controlling.

Anyway, his friends aren't really convincing him of anything, he's just picked these group of people to be social with right now because they fit his need. They ARE telling him what he wants to hear, but if they weren't, he would find other people who would. He wanted to stop the meds and he wanted to stop counseling and he wants to deny his ADHD affects on the marriage. Period. I would even go so far as to say that he will throw these people and how they feel up in your face just to 'prove' that he isn't doing anything wrong. Deep down, he knows he's wrong. You have to keep focusing on that. #1  - he is making his own choices no matter who he tries to give credit to #2 - he knows he's wrong or he wouldn't be so torn between doing the right thing and doing the wrong thing (changing his mind every other day). #3 - he is blaming you to justify his wrong doing.

This kind of 'out of control' is what terrifies me about my husband being like yours and insisting he can control his ADHD himself. Our realities are, if they don't take it seriously and treat it then the chances of things ever being any different are non-existent. I still haven't lost hope for either of us that they will someday get this. The most important change for me is that I am not giving him another 2, 3, or 5 years of my life to get there. That may be something you have to accept too...and walk away even if he doesn't. I can live with the everyday chaos, but the self-destructive, self-medicating, fully self-involved stuff I can't. Ya know?

 

**P.S. the thing about the friends...how do his friends come to the conclusions about you that they do? Because he tells them his side of the story...and that influences their opinion of the entire marriage. If we could somehow miraculously get a transcript of their conversations with these people during these times, I would wager that we would be absolutely devastated and stunned to hear their 'unfiltered' feelings. I got a really good idea of this when DH's 'friend' turned on him after he dumped the woman he had the affair with (who was the cousin of the friend's GF..so it pissed them all off) and told me things that felt like a dagger in the heart. I didn't even tell DH all of it...and probably never will. Also had the woman he cheated with accuse me of being controlling, not letting him make decisions on anything for himself, etc. So, the friends are being spoon fed what they want them to hear and I can promise you, if you were one of them, not knowing the situation, you would probably be convinced, just as they are - by him, that there is nothing wrong with him...that he's just unhappy and married to a nag. So, either way, the damage is HIS.

The way it should be...

I should be able to just say enough is enough and walk away (alot of people have walked away for much less), but I cant.  Its like every time I think I can I see a glimmer of hope and here I am again.  Its almost like something physically stops me from walking out that door and there is this voice in the back of my head that tells me NO, you need to be here.  Its not because I don't think I can make it on my own....I know I can!  I have restarted my life from scratch twice before (pre DH), just me and my boys. 

I see your point about the friends and that's not something I noticed until you mentioned it.  Over the last six months he has gotten rid (they all have "wronged" him somehow) of all the friends he had that know me on a personal level.  His friends now are people that he met through his internship or college, and though they know who I am and I have met several of them....they don't know me well.  Which would then make the "I don't want you to change jobs" statement make sense!!!!!  These same people will get to know me because I will be now working at the college (in a very visible department) and they might realize I'm not the horrible person he makes me out to be!  Sherri your AMAZING!!!  Doesn't solve the problem, but clues me in a bit.

I would love to be able to go somewhere by myself and get some distance and perspective, but there is that pesky lack of cash problem!!  I have no close family I could stay with for a week or so either.  I don't get along with either my mom or my sister and never really have so they wouldn't understand at all.  They think I married "beneath me" (funny seeing I come from a blue collar family just like my DH does) and it would be all about me and how I screwed up in the first place.  His mom is 3 hours away and even though she would be more than welcoming (she is very supportive of me) I don't want to put her in the position of having to choose sides.  Right now if I could just dig a hole and hide in it I would.  Unfortunately its storming out and the hole would probably fill up and drown me! 

Thank you again for the support and words of wisdom. ~~HUGS~~

You are too kind...and it is

You are too kind...and it is nothing to be 'proud' of, being so 'skilled' in being married to ADHD. But thank you for your sweet words.

When I think of walking away, I still get the sick feeling in my stomach. God's honest truth, I REALLY do not want to divorce my husband. But the feeling I get when I think about living THIS life for the rest of my life is even greater. I stepped back, detached, started working on me, started treating him 100% in a way I can be proud of and the way I want to be treated, and the only thing good to come of it is that we aren't fighting. His reaction was to somehow screw up his meds (or stop them...???) and withdraw completely to the den again...and it gets worse and worse with each passing day. I am praying this is part of the "it gets worse before it gets better" phase everyone always talks about. I pray a lot...I mean a LOT that he will get it together. Having to choose to walk away is a very real reality for me. I have no immediate plans, I know God will let me know if and when the time comes, but the more I work on me the more I see just how little he gives...emotionally, physically, spiritually. I don't want to hear 'he can't' because we've been married for 14 years...he's 38 years old...he could if it was important to him. I took my kids to see the movie Courageous yesterday after he flaked out on our plans we had made to ride across the mountain and see the leaves turning...let me tell you, if you haven't, go see it. Or maybe don't. I cried almost the entire movie. It is Christian based...and about what scripture says about being a father, husband, and head of a household. Very sobering. Since DH has also chucked going to church, it will take nothing short of a miracle. I understand how difficult it is to even think about walking away...but eventually staying is even more depressing. Sorry...having a weak moment after seeing the movie last night...it made me feel quite lonely and desperate for a set of strong arms to hold me tight and tell me everything will be OK. I sure wish my Daddy were still here.

But, tomorrow is another day and I have decided to embark on a new phase of 'rebuilding' my life tomorrow...I'll keep you posted how it goes.

Praying for you!!! ((((HUGS))))

Sherri

 

Miss my Daddy too...

I totally hear you there, I miss my daddy soooo much!  I was "Daddy's little girl" and he was the one person I could talk to about anything.  He never judged, just listened and then told you his opinion (even if you really didn't want to hear it).  He just always knew what to do.  Had a very strange dream the other night, that I was sitting on his lap (yes as an adult) and just bawling. 

The more I pray about it and the more I just sit quietly and think, I am beginning to see patterns and have a theory about why my DH does some of the stuff he does.  I'm not entirely sure its all malicious, more of learned behaviors from growing up (kinda like growing up in the "Everyone Loves Raymond family if they were on crack).  Or I could be in complete denial...who knows.  What is keeping me going right now, is that he is still going to church (even without me when I have to work) and he is still having bible study at our house every week.  I love my DH to death, the idea of not being with him tears me up, but I cant allow myself to be a doormat either anymore.  I have bent over backward to make him see how much I love and care about him (honestly I will love him forever even if he does leave).  I think sometime this week when its calm I am going to discuss my theory with him and after that the ball is in his court.  I cant make him want to be with me, but realistically he needs to get off the fence and make a decision.  I need out of this hole I have found my self in.

On another note, Sherri you are awesome (don't ever let anyone tell you different) and your insight is amazing.  You see things and make connections that I would never make on my own.  Have a wonderful day!  Its the last Sunday I have to work..so I'm excited, well not about work but about the fact the there are no weekends in the new job!  ~~HUGS!~~

If I were you, I would ask

If I were you, I would ask myself why I felt the need to share my theory with him. I have many theories and many ideas about why my DH does what he does, but I know that anything coming from me (vs. coming from within himself) is just going to be seen as 'blame' and 'controlling'. I suspect that is the same reaction you'll get from your DH. If you say "I think you behave this way because___" it will only be heard as an attack. Another theory I have is that they know exactly what they are doing wrong, what they are doing that hurts, just exactly the same as you and I know. Where the difference is, is that the work to change things comes harder for them...but is NOT IMPOSSIBLE. I am convinced, more than anything else I've ever been convinced of in my life, that the only way to bring about change in my DH is A) to leave him completely free to do as he pleases without me checking up, checking in, questioning his whereabouts, nagging, or basically saying anything that relates to him, ADHD, our marriage, etc. B) through prayer. All of the conventional ways haven't helped. Counseling, talking, crying, begging, threatening, reasoning with him, etc. Although I know he doesn't believe it himself, he would have me believe that all of our answers are simply in me just accepting him for who he is. Until he left alone with himself AND knows that his actions are 100% his own (and not reactions to me treating him poorly-because I'm not, and not because I am trying to control him-because I am not) then and only then will change possibly happen. I know you're feeling you need to share your ideas and thoughts with your DH, but if he is anything like mine he will not be open to them. I cannot speak for you, you know your situation better than anyone else, if it feels right to you then do it. Just a little food for thought.

Again, thank you for your kind words. Believe you me, I haven't come to these conclusions all by myself. I have listened to some very wise people along the way, and I am, if nothing else, a very keen observer of my own life. I can recall details about stuff like this even when I can't recall what I had for breakfast.

My Daddy was the strongest man I have ever known. He didn't have to say a word, you just felt like everything was going to be OK with him around. I draw strength focusing on what I KNOW he would want for me, and knowing that he, and my Heavenly Father, both love me...even if from Heaven. (((HUGS)))

Congrats on this being your last weekend working! That has to be really nice. I meant to tell you, I agree with your thinking as to why your DH didnt' want you to take the job...once you told us it was at his college. I spent a lot of years not being welcome in my husband's circle (hell, in his life!) and that is always a warning sign. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

I really dont know...

I really dont know why I want to share my theory, probably because I want so badly for him to see how great life could be.

I guess my theory is that my DH is so sure he is a "bad" person that he tries to save the world.  During the times we have been close and he has confided in me he has stated that "I did some really horrible things and my life is payback for that"  He really dwells on things that he did 10+ years ago that weren't so nice, he just cant get over it.  Like hes not able to understand that everyone is young and dumb at one point in time!  I have talked to his mom (we have a amazing relationship) and from what I understand his "horrible things" are normal teenage/young adult stuff.

So......................Saving the world=picking the wrong people to help=bad choices=our relationship disintegrating=DH not being happy with us=grass being greener on the other side=him giving up on us.     ~wash, rinse, repeat~

I don't want to change "who he is" just his behaviors that rip us apart!  I love who he is, that's why I married him, hes funny, smart and loves his kids (and mine) to death.  He would give someone the shirt off his back and not think twice about it.  Its times like now that I wish my Daddy was still here, he was someone that really could connect with my DH.  They had many long conversations and they just clicked.  My Daddy had a great love and respect for my DH even though we were only together 2 years before he passed away.

I just keep praying that my DH will find his way and that I will be given the strength and knowledge to help him when hes ready.  This week has been a rough one...he quit smoking (again), so hes been a bear to be around, he didn't go to church on Sunday, called off the missionaries visit on Saturday and today he didn't go to class.  So who knows what kind of mess I will walk into when I get home. 

~~HUGS!~~

 

 

 

 

A different perspective...

A good friend (hubby is ADHD) and I were talking the other day about this exact thing. I think you're confusing a couple of things here. Your DH has ADHD. I won't say they ALL have a 'story' like this, but a lot of them do carry a lot of shame and guilt from childhood with them for VARIOUS reasons. Some can even use it as a means to get sympathy. I do not think your DH is 'suffering' from past transgressions as much as you're thinking. MANY times their past, especially if they were untreated/undiagnosed as children, has a tendency to exacerbate the ADHD as an adult. They feel 'different', are called stupid, lazy, crazy, etc. It chips away at their self-esteem and this is why low self-esteem is a big part of ADHD. HOWEVER, the occasional sharing of past feelings and experiences is usually not a 'key' in what is going to change things for them. They have a disorder that involves an area of their brains that does not function 'normally'. Your DH isn't the way he is RIGHT NOW simply because of some baggage he mentioned at some point in the past. He is the way he is because his ADHD is untreated. You pointing out your theory to him STILL will most likely be taken as you saying "it is all your fault" because no matter how you spin it, even if you coat it in gold, you're still saying "if you'd just let go of the past everything would be fine". My DH has told me on many occasions "just because you think it should be that way, doesn't mean it is that way for me." Just because you feel the solution is in him letting go of the past, does not mean he does. Just because you say "you need to let go of it" doesn't mean he would...even if he could. Self flagellation is something my DH is a pro at. It isn't your job to 'protect' him from himself, in this way.

You're trying to rescue him...and chances are you're going to end up regretting it. Do a little reading on the Karpman Drama Triangle. You're grasping at straws trying to put your finger on exactly what is wrong with him and why he is doing what he's doing...and the truth of the matter is, you're trying desperately to 'fix' someone who doesn't want to be fixed. You cannot 'change' him with a theory.

The diagnosis of ADHD tells you what you're dealing with. Until he seeks specific help for that and makes concerted efforts to control himself and his impulses, nothing will change. It is very hard to accept...believe me, I know. Focus your energies somewhere that will be beneficial to you...on YOU. (((HUGS)))

I wish..

I just wish he would put as much energy into us as a couple that he puts into "fixing" his past mistakes with others.  He will spend hours trying to help his ex from 10 years ago "get her life straight", but he wont take 5 minutes to talk to me.  My feeling is that she put herself in the situation shes in, she needs to get herself out!  Blaming him (and she does) for it is ridiculous, they had no kids, no legal attachments and she should just go the hell away.  Maybe I'm being jealous, but it sucks!

I agree, and this situation

I agree, and this situation is unacceptable. "Helping" her, I would feel, is just an excuse to be a part of her life. If you're getting HIS side of the story, then who knows what the hell the truth is..he may be pursuing her, he may be the one actively seeking to help her (vs. her asking/blaming/needing him). He would either dump the ex like a hot potato and NEVER have contact with her again, or I would do some very serious re-evaluations of this situation. Again...he is doing what he wants to do because he wants to. Many years ago, when we first met, my DH and his ex-wife (divorced for about 18 months when we met) still 'saw' each other occasionally, went to eat, he paid her bills, and they slept together now and then. A few months into our marriage I found out about this...and found out that they had planned on getting back together after taking a 6 month break. Best I can tell he met me during that 'break' and she didn't think it would amount to anything. Who knows what the truth is, I could drive myself insane worrying about it, but she completely fell apart when we found out I was pregnant (4 months into our marriage...7 months into our relationship) and him spending 30 minutes, in the other room, consoling her on the phone for being devastated that I was pregnant was our first HUGE fight and what sent him into his first ADHD tailspin that I witnessed. Bottom line, she either had her place in his life (STRICTLY as the mother of his daughter) or we were through. That was my boundary. I KNOW in my heart that he was probably just as responsible for her being too much of a part of his life as she was. I feel you're blaming the wrong person...it is his choice whether she is part of his life or not, not hers.

I blame both of them...

I blame both of them...her for not respecting that he is married now and taking responsibility for herself/her children and him for not respecting me/our family and not putting me first.  I know its her game because she tried to suck my mother in law in too..didnt work, my MIL cant stand her and I have seen the emails she sent my DH (no he doesn't know I saw them).  She also messages him on FB constantly begging him to call her.  At one point the ex had my DH convinced that she should move in (with her 3 kids) with us so that she could "get out of her situation"...yeah i vetoed that in one heck of a hurry!  Her "situations" is 3 kids with 3 dads, drug addiction, no job and no one left that will give her a free hand out.  We live in a two bedroom home very small home, 4 of us barely fit let alone 4 more!

I'm tired of the drama, tired of the games, tired of it all.....and really wishing I could just walk away.  But for some freakin reason every time I hit the door I cant go, I turn around and stay.  I don't think he even knows I have thought of leaving, he assumes I will always be there.

 

So if MIL can 'say no' then

So if MIL can 'say no' then how can any of it be the ex's fault? See what I'm saying? HE chooses this...please don't let him off of the hook for this so easily. HE is married to you. If HE respected the marriage, then it would not matter if she doesn't. No matter how 'needy' she is, believe me I know how this goes (my DH's ex used my SD to try and manipulate him back into her life MANY times) but ultimately she owes you nothing, she isn't married to you, and if she doesn't respect your marriage, that is wrong...but this is HIS fault. Period.

When you put it like that...

When you put it like that I guess I just want someone else to blame, I'm the type of person that needs a reason for everything.  I guess I need her to be the "reason" he doesn't want to be with me.  I feel like the whole last 5 years have been a sham and a joke and I have put in all this effort and love for nothing!  I have spent years trying to be "good enough" and it will never happen and that's really hard to take.

No, not a sham...or a joke.

No, not a sham...or a joke. And not for nothing. You need to realize lady, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. He has ADHD. NO ONE can keep up with some of their crazy shit and the harder you try the worse you will feel about yourself. I admit that there are times that I got SOOO overwhelmed with the fears that I would just simply never be 'enough' for him. I wasn't enough, so surely that's why he cheated. I wasn't enough, so surely that's why he won't spend time with me. I wasn't enough so surely that's why he's not interested in sex more than once or twice a month. I wasn't enough so that's why he lies. IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU OR ME NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH. Period.

Now, I don't care if being ME isn't enough, or good enough, I am good enough for ME and I KNOW that what I have to offer, he's damn lucky to have. If he doesn't want it, then I am OK with that too. I won't jump through hoops for the rest of my life trying to keep up with his chaos and constant changing like the wind...and you can't either. JUST STOP. This is about, once again, untreated ADHD. Resolve yourself to check out for a bit, gather your thoughts, and get in a better place emotionally. You cannot help him when you're struggling so badly yourself. Hell, you can't really help him period if he won't help himself. You not feeling 'good enough' is a really good starting point for some intensive counseling of your own.

((HUGS))

Dont think I can get there from here...

Sherri, I value your opinion and I admire your strength!  Really, I don't think I can get to a point where I "just don't care", if I don't care then I am giving up and agreeing its over (in my opinion anyway).  Almost like giving him permission to do whatever he (DH) wants and that's how he will take it, "free pass for me to do anything I want with anyone cause shes not gonna say anything anymore".  Counseling would be great, but as of Friday I will have no insurance for 90 days...so unless I win the lottery it isn't going to happen.

I keep praying, but it seems like the harder I pray the worse it gets!  I don't know, maybe its just not meant to work out and I'm trying to make something that isn't really there.

Thank you again for being there!  ~~HUGS~~  

Hey lady...I was thinking

Hey lady...I was thinking about this when I was laying in bed this morning and really felt moved to say something to you. I know this might not be advice that is for everyone, so everyone else can feel free to skip over it and move on to something else...

First, it is very hard to explain how 'letting go, and letting God' doesn't give them a free pass. As in my situation, my DH's personal behaviors (drinking, not taking care of himself, not working) HAVE all declined. Did I decide when I 'let go' that I was going to just accept anything and everything he did and never say another word? Um..NOT EVEN CLOSE. What I did decide, and what I hope you can come to believe is that what I NEEDED from him was to see the TRUE him. Who is he? What will he be like? How will he show me that his family and marriage matter? WILL he show me that his family and marriage matter or will he go completely in the opposite direction? WHO IS THIS MAN I AM MARRIED TO NOW? Although I can tell you some of his behaviors, I honestly don't know who he is from one day to the next. I can't live that way. I have to shove him out into the world and let him morph into WHAT HE TRULY IS without my nagging, controlling, or any other kind of influence from me. THEN and only then can I decide if I want to be with him. The decision isn't 100% his anymore. It always pretty much has been his decision because just when I am ready to throw in the towel, he says all of the right things and does all of the right things long enough to get me back into a certain level of comfort and then pulls the rug out from under me again. This is HUGE to me at this crossroads in my life...I NEED SOME PEACE AND CALM. Also, he accepts zero responsibility for his ADHD and is currently not even medicated. Again, things went downhill once I let go, but my life didn't end. I didn't cease to exist. My heart didn't stop beating. Life is going on. IT IS TERRIFYING for me to think that he will never find his own way...hit his own personal rock bottom like I did...and put an end to this madness and aim for happiness, health, and joy for what little time we have left here on Earth. Life is too short. I kept thinking that if I died tomorrow what a horrible way to have spent the last 10 years of my life here on earth...heart-broken, anxiety ridden, angry, ugly, and just flat out miserable. I can't do it anymore. As long as I continued to try and drag him along and get him to behave the worse it made ME feel. Let me tell you...if you get nothing else I'm saying get this...even with his own personal decline and my (STILL) worries that he will lose his job (I'm not perfect) my life is a THOUSAND times better than it was before I found acceptance. Acceptance that I have no control over him AT ALL and acceptance that I cannot do this alone.

Now for the tricky part...when you pray, ask God to help you remove the stronghold that the devil has on your heart and on your DH's heart. Ask that he give you the tools to fight a good and righteous fight against the enemy. Your enemy is not your DH, it is the devil. It is through prayer and prayer alone that I finally found peace enough to just LET GO and LET GOD. I was literally standing in my home asking God to help me fight the spiritual warfare that was being waged on my family and to help me break free of the bonds of anger and fear. FEAR...Lord help me, the FEAR. I worried everytime he left the house that he was cheating...then I find out my SD is living with the woman he cheated with...then his reaction is to cuss me out and act as if it was no big deal...THEN he's working 12+ hours everyday (or is he?) ... let me tell you about fear. Those last few days leading up to my breakdown, I was 100% convinced he was cheating again. I just knew he had a hand in SD living with this woman...he was seeing her again...he asked her to help SD and give her a place to stay since "My rules" (demanding she be respectful of others) was too much for her. I have ALWAYS come in 2nd place in his life to SD...but my ultimate decision of whether to go or stay will partially be decided based on whether I feel he will put me first and foremost, above everyone else, as God intended. I am ready to do the same for him.

Pray specifically. Pray intently. Pray as if your life depends on it. Ask for wisdom. Ask for knowledge. Ask for God's strength to face this horrible cloud hanging over you and ask that he help you find peace in the face of your storms. Let the devil know that you're not going to surrender to him...that you're not going to give up and turn away from the Lord just because you're not 'there' yet and feel God isn't listening. He is. He just needs you to meet Him with your Faith in Him that if you hand it over to Him, you trust that no matter what, you will be OK. No matter how He answers your prayers, you will be OK. He does not want your marriage to fail. Please know that. He wants you to LET GO, and LET GOD, but he always wants you to have peace in the meantime. He can give you that, if you can put your faith in Him and trust that all will be well. It also helped me to surrender to him each morning and ask for his wisdom and knowledge so that I could react to those around me in a way that is pleasing to Him. It is uncomfortable at first, and DOES feel like you're just being a doormat of sorts, but eventually you 'get it' that it isn't that at all, it is just you being what He expects you to be so that you can earn the blessings and favors he promises.

Prayer hasn't saved my marriage...yet. It hasn't turned my DH around in any way other than his attitude towards me. He is kind and loving and has started taking to me again and stuff, but he is still not making his marriage a priority in his life, but more importantly he isn't making his emotional health a priority...but I do believe, in time, he will. I have Faith that no matter what happens, I am going to be OK. Our sermon Sunday was about the people Moses led out of Egypt and how they prayed to be freed from slavery but grumbled about everything as Moses led them to freedom...hunger, thirst, the red sea, etc. God tested them by giving them JUST ENOUGH for one day, each day, and asked them to have Faith in him that he would provide more tomorrow. Our sermon ended with our preacher saying "just hold on for one more day...and then get up tomorrow and pray "Lord just give me enough to get through today..I'm not going to worry about tomorrow or next week...just give me enough of what I need for today" and then keep holding on for one more day...and do the same thing tomorrow" and I felt like God was speaking directly to me. "just keep holding on for just one more day..."

If you get to a point where you cannot pray, please let me know...I will pray for you. I am praying for you. Don't give up. I don't know anything more about my marraige today than I did 2 months ago, but I do know that I am at peace...and that my blood pressure FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS is 126/72. I was given a prescription 3 months ago (that I never took) because it was 150/90. It had been between 140-150 and 80-90 for YEARS. This is no coincidence.

(((HUGS))) I pray I haven't offended you or hurt you in anyway. I have been in your shoes...I may be in your shoes again someday...but know that I am praying for you to find the courage to face this head on. You ARE deserving of so much more...once you realize that, and how much God loves you, it's all just gravy.

Sherri

 

Thank you Sherri...

This is so much what I needed to hear today, inn fact I am sitting here in tears at the moment.  I feel like I am at the end of my rope, with just enough to hang either him or myself (figuratively of course).  Your prayers are greatly appreciated... I need all the help I can get!  I will be able to start attending church again this week (yay for the new job with no weekends) and for that I am grateful.  I want to be where you are, happy and able to not dread getting out of bed in the morning.

~~HUGS~~

PS:  Please don't ever worry about  offending me....we seem to be very much alike and I greatly appreciate your insight.  I don't think it was a coincidence I found this website when I did.  Thank you again.

Also...meant to share this

Also...meant to share this earlier...the other day, completely out of the blue my daughter says "Mom, I am afraid when Dad doesn't come home until late that he is with ____" (woman he cheated with. It was all I could do to get in the car before I broke down. We were putting groceries in the car and hadn't been talking about that subject at all. I told her "don't you dare! Don't you dare worry about that" "but what if he cheats again?" I said "Then he and I will no longer be married, but YOU and I will be JUST FINE. Please don't worry about that ever again. It isn't your burden to carry and I do not want you to worry. I PROMISE YOU that I will be OK, even if I get hurt again, YOU won't lose me and Mommy will be just fine. God is protecting us all and we just have to know that He will always be there for us".

Let me tell you, that was a gut wrenching thought...that SHE is anxiety ridden and fearful. All the more reason for me to continue to work on getting stronger...our children need us to be strong. She needs us both to be strong. I cannot be strong for him, I can only pray for him. Just don't think that no one is watching. I was stunned to hear her say that. :-(

sullygrl's picture

Your daughter is lucky

She has you Sherri - a lot of people wouldn't have the wherewithall to answer that way - explain it's not her burden. I know some would break down and cry and say "oh my what if you're right?!!!"

It's been so obvious here that you are taking care of yourself and your family in a healthy way. That and your faith will get you far

Thank you. I am trying very

Thank you. I am trying very hard to be acutely aware of how everything is affecting her and minimize it as best as I can. I have noticed a change in her since I got better control of my emotions, and it is a change for the better. I just do not want her to carry such a huge burden as worrying about stuff like that. Her father spent an entire childhood worrying about everything, afraid to leave his mother's side, and I see how it made him very insecure and untrusting of other people's love. I don't want my daughter to suffer anymore than she already has. I just want her to be a kid and have a 'normal' family, like she wants.

I hope to do the same...

For our DD#2... I spot the ADD reactions and try to work though the situation with her in terms of knowing EXACTLY how she feels and giving her examples of when I was a child in a situation like what she is now facing. Before I knew what I was dealing with, I got so frustrated and angry with her and did not put it together that she was JUST like Me! Since my diagnosis and treatment, I am so much less likely to get angry and even when I do get angry I am very organized in how I respond. DD#2 has gotten so much better with me since then. She knows how much we are alike. I'm afraid she is much smarter than me, so I'm in real trouble as she gets older ;)

10 years of my childhood sucked because of an extremely verbally abusive step-dad, who did not know what he was dealing with in me and probably his own undiagnosed ADD. He's a classic example of one of us ADDer's. He could charm the world when he needed to, but at home he was abusive, cheated on my mom, we moved a lot, never happy with anything concerning me, but he was smart so he kept getting good jobs in the auto finance world. My mom cought him cheating and he was gone, but I was 14 and the damage was firmly in place. He gave me my impenatrable defense screens, including "The Grin", which I have to this day.

My family WILL not live like the example I just mentioned.

Great job Sherri!

YYZ

 

sullygrl's picture

Kudos to you YYZ

You broke the cycle - not everyone can do that. Most of us become our parents in some way. It must help your DD to know you've gone through the same frsutrations she has. You can actually say "yes, honey, I know how you feel!" and she will know that you're looking out for her.

 

Thanks :)

I've been Far from perfect, but things have improved since I've learned about what was wrong with me. I think my DD#2 does like that we are alike, I always wondered why I was So different and why I did the things I did and she does not have to kick herself everytime something goes wrong or forgets to do something. It's my mission in life to not let her get to "Low Self-Esteemland". She is such a sweet positive and brilliant little girl. (I know, I'm Slightly biased ;)

I am extremely lucky to have two girls who feel comfortable enough to talk to me about just about anything :)

YYZ

 

Also...meant to share this.....

Sherri,

It is gut wrenching.  My daughter and I had similiar conversations when we became aware of my husband's EA.  I do believe because my daughter has never been close to my husband, that it actually helped her to not be anxious and fearful.  She knew no matter what that we would be OK.  It did, though, strain the relationship even more.  She has lost all trust and respect for him. 

Sherri, I agree so much with

Sherri, I agree so much with what you have said.  I have found peace, too, by giving it to God.  I was trying to do that but I kept telling God that I knew I would be okay in time but I did not want to go thru this pain.  God has spoken to me thru my devotions almost everyday and one of them this week said "Do not sever what God wants you to work through."  I take that as a sign that I should work through all of the pain.  After 52 years of everything everyone has talked about here, my husband is getting help from an ADHD therapist and he is really trying very hard and is doing very well. Friends notice the difference.  You must be sure when someone goes for counseling, it is a specialist in ADHD.  I do not think the cheating or any of the other crazy behaviors are about me in any way, but that doesn't always help.  He has low self-esteem like all the other ADHDs and I have tried to compliment and appreciate the very little that he was doing, but that is an issue for a therapist also.  He has been so self-centered all of his life and I have done EVERYTHING while he has played.  I am absolute sure that I will not tolerate any cheating again and he will be the loser because I can make it totally on my own and find peace.  I believe it has been better that I have kept the family together all of these years.  My kids are strong and have good lives because I have been the rock.  So hang in there for the children.  When they are grown and gone, life does get easier.  You will have less to do.  My daughter has suffered from depression and is now disabled.  One of my sons has OCD and ADD and we have had to help him a lot thru the years, but they are all happy and doing well now.  So there have been lots of additional problems besides my husband's ADHD and  bipolar-OCD issues.

My blood pressure is high, too, and I believe it is because of him. I have found great peace for today and I just read The Chemistry of Joy and that book tells you what to eat and how to handle the depression that we all are going thru. It also has some natural remedies for stress and sleep issues.  It is helping me to calm down and be able to sleep at night.   It includes some spiritual processes that can help you get thru these very difficult times.  I have prayed so much about this and my husband has started going back to church and we are praying together every morning.  I believe he has had a real awakening and I wish he could speak to all the other people with ADHD about what lack of treatment has caused in his life.

I believe life gives everyone some burdens to carry and if we had married someone else, we probably would still have some issues to get thru.  My sister is caring for her husband who has Alzheimers and my husband thinks she is giving up her own life for him and should not do that.  I am thinking I  have given up a lot of my life for him but that is just the way life is sometimes.  We have to make the best of it.  Of course, if it is intolerable, no one should have to go thru that.  My husband has always been a kind, generous loving person and has been very affectionate toward me and he knows how deeply he has hurt me and does cry about that so that I think he is very sincere.

You will all be in my prayers.  The ADHD spouse life and the ADHD life is a real challenge.

Elsie

 

If I were you, I would ask....

Sherri,

As usual, you have said it better than I could have.  I too, still continue to let go and let GOD.  I also, continue to pray for us all.

"Courageous"    Isn't this

"Courageous"    Isn't this movie by the same individual that made that other Christian based movie?

Yes, they made Giants and

Yes, they made Giants and Fireproof...I have never seen Giants, didn't know they did it until I liked the Courageous page on FB, but Fireproof had a HUGE impact on my attitude towards marriage and honestly any Christian man who sees Courageous and isn't moved, is unmovable. AMAZING movie.

Awesome movie

I didnt see Giants but Fireproof was a awesome movie!!!  Unfortunatly my DH watched the first 5 minutes, told me it was stupid and went to his friends down the road. :(  I want to see Courageous, but not sure when I am going to have a chance.

movie

Yes, I agree Fireproof was an awesome movie!  Unfortunately, I watched it by myself, as usual.  My husband probably would have told me the same thing as he continues to be in denial that anything is wrong.

Fireproof

My DH and I were separated when a very good friend of mine gave me the movie and the book. I wasn't in church at the time and was pretty much clueless about how to even have a relationship with Christ. I watched it and it literally was the beginning of my journey to finding Christ and truly starting a meaningful, adult relationship with him. I gave it to my DH to watch and it was about 2 weeks later when he finally got around to it. I do know that he said it was the first time he had been on his knees praying in a very long time, so I assume it had a profound affect on him as well. I took the kids to see Courageous and even my 13 y/o that makes fun of me for crying at movies SOBBED. As one blog I read said, I did the 'ugly cry' the entire movie almost!

Fireproof

Sherri,

I cried through most of Fireproof so I know I will cry watching Courageous, too.  Guess I will wait and get it when it comes out on video.  I am a crier, happy, sad, romantic, etc., you name it I cry.

The Friends

Sherri,

I couldn't agree with you more.  I experienced all of the above with my husband, too, while he was involved in an EA.  It is painful and I am sorry to say that it has left me with a big scar. 

No they should not..

but I have found that I have endured many things I previously said I would never allow to happen to me!  ~~HUGS~~