I am SO TIRED OF: My ADHD spouse puts words in my mouth due to his faulty assumptions (of which he is KING), and his poor memory. Constantly saying I said stuff I never said, or saying I said something different than I said because he assumed an extra/wrong meaning from my actual words. I remember actual words and it is this insane-making, tower of Babel experience to live with someone constantly creating insanity by attacking me and telling me I said things I NEVER SAID!! Anyone else struggle with this with their ADHD spouse? It gets on my nerves when its something that really screws the day/life up for everyone and he says I said to put it here, or go there, or whatever when I KNOW, with my VERY CLEAR INTACT memory and a FULLY HEALTHY FUNCTIONING BRAIN and one that remembers details and can remember actual WORDS SAID, not just assumed concepts like he seems to do, what I DID or DID NOT say. This one I'm not sure I can continue to live with. The constant barrage on what I communicated to an insane making person constantly twisting, assuming, and misunderstanding, then remembering poorly, then blaming ME and putting words in to my mouth. Melissa, and anyone else, how do you deal with THAT?!
This ties in with the issue that he is so NOT a man of his word. We can discuss and agree till we're blue in the face (I "over-discuss" with him because I have learned how forgetful he is.) We can agree very firmly, with me making sure to have an extremely thorough conversation with him only to have him COMPLETELY disregard the agreement. This has brought extreme damage and a sense that I cannot trust him, rely on him, or even count on him to remember the conversation we had the day before at all!!
We're raising kids here, too. How can I deal with this.
Sometimes truth is not pretty
Submitted by jennalemon on
I hear you and know what you are afraid of, like me, that you will lose the good qualities that make you who you are by compromising yourself so many times to get along with him. Then after decades of doing this you actually are not the person you started out to be but you have sacrificed your talents, sanity, pride, self-respect, abilities so that HE can feel good about himself......while he goes about his way making himself feel good about himself by denial/blaming/distractions/changing history. Yes, this IS what happens to a spouse who tries too hard to bend herself so that she can GET ALONG for love. Then, when you are in your 60's the ADDer will tell you that he doesn't think you were very nice and that he blames you for his actions and does not recall anything you did, or does not remember you ever compromising for him, ... he claims the work you did HE DID. His selective memory starts to wear on your clear memory and mind and you stop trusting yourself. I am saying this because it is true and I wish I had been able to accept the truth when I was younger. I was constantly giving us the benefit of the doubt. Hoping, wishing and praying that with hard work and faith that some day we would be a happy family and I would be loved and appreciated for my efforts.
jennalemon: same thing here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I agree with what you said, jennalemon. I am 57, and have spent my entire life sacrificing my talents, sanity, pride and self respect so that my ADHD husband can feel better about himself, but he DOESN'T feel better........if fact he BLAMES ME for making our lives worse. He does NOT remember the past, and what REALLY happened. He told me recently that he is scared because he can TELL that his memory is bad, and he worries that he's getting Alzhiemer's. (just like his mother) But, he doesn't apply "not remembering" in regards to our RELATIONSHIP. He is only concerned about remembering things he has to do.....such as work....and remembering doctor's appointments and such. He DOES keep constant reminders on his phone and lists of things, but then he forgets his lists and turns off his phone. (and forgets again)
I believe that if my husband FELT better and more secure about himself and our relationship, he would feel better all around, but I don't KNOW, because he NEVER TALKS TO ME. I can talk to him about politics, events, basketball, work, or anything ELSE, EXCEPT what is going on between us, and how to better what we have. Maybe this is his coping mechanism, but it DOES NOT WORK.
I also loved what you said about "selective memory", and that with DH not remembering anything we did for them, and we become the bad guys in their minds. I wish I knew what it took to be "a good guy" in his mind. I tried so many things for years, and absolutely NOTHING worked. He ended up having a 3 year affair, and then BLAMED me for not forgiving him for it, and telling me "he hasn't felt loved in so long". OH MY GOD.....TALK ABOUT NOT FEELING LOVED. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW LONG I HAVEN'T FELT LOVED.
It truly feels like a merry-go-round......and "stop the insanity....I just want to get off".