From J, in another thread, a starter package on attachment theory
(sorry that the boldfacing that you used got lost in the copy & paste, J.)
[My therapist’s ] professional opinion and stand on this entire relationship dynamic process he has made very clear to me in no uncertain terms which says "ADHD is not the cause or the source of this dynamic even if there seems to be a more common "One" or "Two" that seem to be the "most common". Which means they are the ones that seemed to more often observed and documented with people who have ADHD. These dynamics are relationship ones. That means.....two people always have to be in interaction with each other in every given case. If you want to find your answers or figure out what the REAL problem is....Attachment theory and relationship "Styles" are where you should be looking."
And before I say anything else.....EVERYONE has a relationship "style" whether it be unhealthy or not. Healthy is considered "secure attachment" and unhealthy or damaging is considered all the others. But because it's "dynamic" ( or in motion and is moving and changing) even a secure attached individual will default to acting in "insecure" or "unhealthy" ways themselves when paired with an "insecure attached" individual. The feeling of "losing yourself" means....you are no longer secure even if you weren't that way to begin with. If you've lost yourself along the way....you are not acting like you did before and are now just as much to blame for continuing on the path you're on as the person who was less "secure" in this way as you were. Or vise versa.
This is not a DISORDER!!! I repeat..NOT!!! There are "attachment disorders" and are extreme and very rare. The level of those kinds of disorders come from things that are way out of the norm! Having different attachment styles or even insecure ones are not only common....but prevalent in everyone at different times for different reasons. It is part of the human condition and is part of being human to be this way to a certain degree. The matter of degree is what makes the determination and of when it becomes a problem in your life...it just means it's time to do something different. You can change a "insecure attachment" to a "secure one" and anyone can do this barring something else involved. It just takes some work and effort to do it and getting some help like it sounds that you are doing.
Within the theory itself...that means, your wife HAS to do it too especially if she didn't start out being "secure" herself. Both people have to do the work if they both have "insecure" or unhealthy "attachment styles" which most people could stand a little work anyway no matter how secure you think you are. It can't hurt but it might make you a little depressed. Thinking.....pretty much a given at least for a little while:) But after that....it only gets better.
An example here from this thread alone. As you know....ADHD makes you impulsive at times.(me too) "Impulsive" is not "compulsive" and Neurotic if you understand the difference? Neither is "impulsive"..."reactionary"....... even though all of these things can be easily confused as being similar of one in the same looking at it from the outside.
Taking this a step further....if you have a tendency to be emotional libel....IF you do react to something emotionally....it might be less controlled as someone who isn't this way. Okay...that in itself did not cause you to react...but it's still a problem albeit, a different one or in addition to being reactionary. You don't just self implode or self combust sitting in a vacuum despite being emotionally libel!. You don't just go off for no reason and whether it's founded on solid ground or not has everything to do with Attachment Theory and really nothing to do with ADHD or being emotionally libel. It's not Schizophrenia and you hear voices coming from your dog telling you to go kill people at random out of paranoid delusions?
In other words....ADHD may be symptomatic with emotionality and impulse but your cognition and conscious and unconscious thinking and thoughts are where these things come into play. This is true for everyone ADHD or not. As my T explained it to me......ADHD is like adding nutmeg to the dish and flavors it a bit differently than without it. It has it's own unique flavor that differs from other ingredients. But the dish itself in this respect....is not the dish itself....attachment theory is.
So if that's the case....focusing on the ADHD as the source for you problems in your relationships is looking under the wrong rock in trying to find those answers even though it is the cause for many annoyances that really ARE the nutmeg in the soup.
I am glad to hear that this helped you as well the same as it has for me. It might be a good topic to discuss with your councilor if you haven't done so already. It's a BIG topic and requires some time to absorb and then go back and keep revisiting it again just to get a better understanding of it. That's the work you have to do or you will soon forget about it (as I have) and then keep going back again until it really sinks in and you begin to see it on your own without anyone there to help you see it anymore. I am just know seeing the light and have a long way to go!! Lol
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… There is a video that was taken off of YouTube that was suppose to accompany it...so I included it in a separate link below since it is one of the examples that he was using to show this very thing. It is enlightening to say the least.
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