A quick post and update on the progress of the other day when I finally broke through the ice with my wife. As I predicted, she would default back some and this was a good call.
Before....I could say nothing but "I don't know"...to stay in the middle. But I don;t know doesn't get you very far if they need something from you...or you need something from them. Since this is a dynamic condition between the two of us. I found I had to change strategies to meet the change as it comes.
For lack of a better word and probably the least flattering on all accounts.....this imbalance is parasitic...meaning...for the parasite...they need the host to feed off of the stay alive. In this case....I'm the host and my wife is the parasite. I have to say up front....I do not see my wife as a parasite....this only relates to the relationship we have and the dynamic. My wife is neither...just to be sure.
Thinking in those terms however....this is what I am observing. Without the host to feed off of...she is floundering and when that happens...she defaults back to what she knows which is that Gaslighting again in order to try and gain her power and control back. This time however....instead of "I don't know".....I hit her with..."I know what your doing and I don't like it." Bam. Dead in the water.
Today she comes home from work early with a headache and doesn't feel well she says. What I see is depression and a lack ability to process this and instead of floundering...she remains dead in the water and without the ability to communicate. She's attempted several times to end run me and suspiciously tried to corner me into a yes or no answer where neither one would apply. I refused to say yes or no.....and she walked away mumbling.
She sits with head down in the living room and won't speak but there is no fight. Just a while ago....she comes to me and says....."could I just tell you what's on my mind and have you listen"
It took four hours for her to finally say that instead of saying that up front. No problem...I'm all ears.
I just thought that putting this down (so I don't forget myself lol)...how this is playing out and it seems to be working. I am forcing her not to be a parasite in the relationship....and forcing her to figure it out for herself and avoiding conflict in doing so.
I'm not a mind reader you know:)