Attention and Connection

When a animal is not loved and cared for, but rather  ignored and left alone, it does not thrive. It may become ill and it may die from inattention and disconnection.   When a person is ignored and taken for granted she can derive some comfort from memories of her youth where love and attention were given to her and she was seen and heard and acknowledged.  But after years of inattention and lack of care and feeling invisible and unappreciated, a person's heart and soul and even physical body are laid to waste and wane just like an unattended puppy. The psyche of a person who has been ignored consistently for years is harmed. 

To be physically well, people need to feel safe and be cared for by other human beings.  So much is written about not depending on others for your own happiness but there is also the thing where we in the animal kingdom need nurturance and connection and care from others to thrive.   

As seen in the studies of Jane Goodall with apes, Those in caring family units thrive.  The apes that were ignored and disconnected were sick emotionally and sometimes physically.  When there is a partner who is ADD inattentive, the spouse can be loving and caring as all get out but does not get attention and connection back.  The spouse of an ADD inattentive is just that....not seen, heard, or attended to (inattention).  We rail on this site in desperation wondering what we are doing wrong and searching for answers about how we can make things better for our marriages.  But the gist is this.  Us spouses are not getting attention and care.  It makes us sick physically and emotionally.  We are here, writing to ease our pain of disconnection and lack of care and love toward us.  

This is just what is on my mind today.   How does an old girl find nurturance to sustain herself when her spouse only had room in his heart to nurture himself and quiet the overwhelm in his head?   He has been like a sponge gobbling up all the nurturing from both of us for himself just trying to survive himself. But us over-achieving spouses did not realize the toll that we took on ourselves.  We thought we were strong enough to endure and make the necessary changes and compromises and sacrifices to make a union that was good enough.  But for me, after 40 years, all the compromising I did was nothing more than a drain on my own well-being.  He did not notice what I had been doing  for the nurturing of our marriage.  I didn't know that I need attention and connection for myself for my own well-being.  I had been manufacturing a fantasy that has been my marriage.  It has not existed in reality as a two way street.  That is why I am here railing like an abandoned puppy on this site.  I need attention and connection for my sanity and my physical health. 

For 40 years, dh has not looked in my direction when I enter the room.  He is too focused on his diversions he uses to ease his mind. Sometimes shushing me for interrupting his focus.