I have spent the day reading posts on this site all day and cannot believe it has taken me this long to find you all. My husband is ADHD. We have been married for 15 years. He was diagnosed about 8 years ago and it has been his crutch ever since. He was a very successful construction project manager, then became a realtor. He was driven, focused, and hard-working. He supported me while I was in law school and continued to do so until I found a good firm to work with. Since his diagnosis, he says it is too difficult to work. I told him it's fine if he doesn't want to work, but he needs to maintain the house and take care of the boys. We have two boys, 12 and 10. He doesn't make it to any of their games on time, doesn't help with homework, and, during the summer when they're home, he stays in bed and watches movies while they run around the house with no structure. I work 10-12 hours a day, leave work to get them to practice or school activities. I have to leave the boys checklists and they call me at work if they need anything, even though my husband is in the house. The exterior of our house is in shambles, and I had to hire cleaners to care for the inside. He yells a lot, ignores us, and basically acts like he doesn't want a family. Any time I cry to my husband that I need a partner and I feel like I'm drowning, he tells me to F off. When I suggest that he time himself during the day so he can determine where his day is wasted, he tells me to F off. When I ask what he did during the day, he tells me to F off. When I ask him to try to make dinner, he tells me to F off.
And now here is my dilemma. When he does get involved, it's embarrassing. He is quick to get angry and think the worst of anyone. We are always late to events when we drive together. He often disappears and I'm left waiting for a ride or calling him repeatedly. My older son plays baseball. His last tournament did not go well and my husband is furious. Mind you, his season began in November and the entire season went really well, except this ONE tournament that my husband is hyper focused on. We have a 20 minute post-season conference with the coaches this week. My husband says he intends to tell the coaches they suck and that my son is done playing with them. My son loves this team and these coaches have been really good for him, with everything he is dealing with at home. My husband also doesn't let anyone speak and often speaks loudly over someone when they try to talk. I tried to tell my husband that our son should continue to play for this coach and this has been a great season overall. He told me these coaches are assholes and he intends to tell them so. He said they can't shut him up and he will speak for as long as it takes.
Our son will be humiliated. I will want to crawl under a rock if my husband behaves as he says he will. What do I do??? What cn I say calmly to my husband to get him to back down and realize he's not thinking about our son?
Does he try to manage his ADHD symptoms?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Wow. I feel for you and see echoes of some of those ADHD symptoms in my ADHD ex-wife. I also have a son who played years of intense elite-level baseball and it can be very stressful.
After your husband's diagnosis what steps has he taken to manage his ADHD symptoms? Has he recently consulted an ADHD-savvy psychiatrist to re-evaluate his medication? From your description of his behavior his ADHD symptoms are raging. What behavioral therapy has he pursued? I ask these questions just to frame the situation. YOU can not make any of these adjustments happen; only he can. This fact is frustrating and eternally painful but it will constantly reassert itself.
Not Managing At All
Submitted by sparame on
He has been seeing a doctor but a couple of weeks ago he asked me to find him a new doctor on our network. I sent him the name and number of the new doctor but he hasn't made an appointment. I asked why and he said I should take care of the appointment for him. The last time I did that, he was late to the appointment and it was canceled. I responded that he is home all day and one phone call takes only a few minutes. If this was important to him, he can make the call. He still hasn't.
That's abuse...Not adhd.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You're husband is running over you, and you are taking it...He is mistreating his children, and you are allowing it....Tell your husband baseball isn't life....He is going to respect you and the children or he want be seeing the three of you much longer...I would load my children up and take them out to eat or visiting relatives during that meeting....There is no way I would allow him to embarrass my 12 year old like that...I'm not one to want conflict....But the conflict is pumping out of your husbands heart...He will cause his children to be afraid of him, and not want to be around him....Even though in his warped thinking he is doing this for his son....But in reality he is doing this for himself...His attitude is the problem...Most all little league coaches are just working men donating their time and effort for the children...Tell your husband to get his lazy A...up and put some positive energy into being a coach, if he thinks he can do better.!!!
I guess getting diagnosed was the worst thing that could happen to him....(seems so)....My feelings is he needs to get his butt out and go to work...No matter what is wife does for a living...That lazy laying around is big part of his problem....He's the man of the house, he needs to behave like it...
Sorry, it's quiet obvious I don't do well w/ men or women who make excuses, and seek concessions, at the cost of their families...It's always been abuse, and it always will be....Your husband needs to learn thankfulness....He may never do it, if you don't stand up to him...Please don't allow him to run over you guys...I hope you can talk sense into him...But I have a feeling you already know, that isn't going to happen...Minds like that understand one thing...You have to calmly show him...My wife became a completely different person, once she realized I was serious about leaving, if that was what it was going to take for her to take ownership of her responsibilities....
The more you enable and tolerate it...The worse it will get.....
I will pray for your family
I agree with C...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with C...
His behavior is abusive, whether he has ADHD or not. His ADHD diagnosis does not give him Carte Blanche. He worked at a full time job for years just fine, but after the diagnosis he can't seem to manage it? That doesn't make sense. It sounds like he is using ADHD to excuse his behavior. I agree with C's statement about not letting your husband run roughshod over you and the boys. Boundaries need to be set.
He just exists
Submitted by sparame on
Thank you C and Adele for your words of encouragement. This is going to sound awful, but I don't leave him because then I have to pay for my new place, his place, and support for him. I watched my friend go through this with her ex-ADHD husband and she has a higher income than I do. So, it's cheaper to let him just exist in the house. I always expected to marry someone that would be the man of the house; someone who would take care of me and his children. This is not my reality and I absolutely resent him for that. I just cannot believe this is my life. So, my focus now has been to love my boys, to always be available for them, show them how strong women are, how they should NEVER behave like their father, how a strong work ethic will lead to independence and success.
See a lawyer to be sure
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey spareme... I am facing the same thing with being the breadwinner. I get it. It may be worth the price of a lawyer consultation. I am in Canada, but for me, the longer this goes on, the more I might owe him in a split. The longer he is out of work, the less marketable he is and the more or longer I would have to pay. If it is the same for you, you may want to re-look at your options. Where I live, spousal support is not necessarily forever. For instance, if you had custody of the kids and he is middle-aged with skills, a judge would expect him to work and might give him a timeframe for finding employment (e.g. in two years, support payments stop). A lawyer may be able to guesstimate how much you might owe him and for how long and it might not be as insurmountable as you think. Most often support is not enough to live on and he may need to get a job anyway... which could reduce or eliminate your payment early. Like I said, I don't pretend to know the laws in your area, but a lawyer may be able to give you a more concrete financial picture and maybe it wouldn't be as dire as you think.
My therapist recommended I see a lawyer regarding my concerns over custody if I left. She said I'm information-gathering, not leaving... and knowing is better than imagining the worst-case scenarios. And it was true. The lawyer was able to give me some good advice about custody based on how courts typically rule. In my case I didn't like what I heard, but at least I got law-based facts on what would be most likely in my situation so I could plan a more advantageous exit for myself and child.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Consulting with an attorney is a good idea, to see what her options are. In my divorce, my Ex paid me spousal support for 5 years. The maximum in my state (Michigan) was 6 years. We had split custody, so the child support I received was half of what it would have been. I received spousal and child support, mainly because I was a stay at home parent at the time of the divorce, and had been for the last 8 years of our marriage.
Sorry that is awful behaviour
Submitted by SydAcct on
There might be another factor besides ADHD. Before and after ADHD diagnosis reads like two different people. Hard working, driven and focused versus apathetic.
When I was getting back to work anxiety was a bigger obstacle than ADHD.
I hope things improve
So sorry sparame....
Submitted by c ur self on
From the sound of it, your husband has nobody to speak into his life (other men) about his responsibilities and being accountable....We all need it....But unless a man has close friends or family he will confide in and listen to, or gets involved with a good church family or counselor, it usually doesn't happen....Being a good loving and supportive Mom is wonderful for your boys,...But, it can never take the place of their Dad...My Mom was awesome....But my Dad left when me and my brothers where 4, 6, & 10....I hate divorces...But, I would have a hard time living with myself allowing them to hear and see what they are being subjected to....It's not the example their immature minds need....
He is not your responsibility though!...You have absolutely no ability to change him... He alone will have to see the need for that....Just like all of us....