Awaiting assessment and not sure where to turn

I am being referred for an adult assessment. My youngest daughter is also waiting for assessment. I have been reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I can see a lot of things that have contributed to a lot of the issues in our relationship and also other relationships of mine. 


She does get frustrated and has got angry in the past with my poor organisation, impulsiveness, interruptions, high energy, carelessness, lack of focus, forgetfulness etc. She is really good at researching our daughter's ADHD and putting things in place to help her. She has family (brother, niece, possibly father) who also have ADHD.  


I try and help out around the house. I do the food shopping, most of the cooking, pay bills, balance finances etc. I try and do stuff around the house but I am not great at DIY. She does do more in terms of the laundry, organising things for the kids and the general mental load.


Coming out of COVID lockdowns I was suffering from quite severe anxiety and depression. This was also putting strain on our marriage and family relationships. We got couples counselling which did help. We stopped that over a year ago as we felt we were in a better place. One conclusion of this was to get further help from another specialist on intimacy and sex. This has never happened and I have stopped asking. One other thing that came from that period was I moved to the spare room which is still the case unless we have guests. It makes me feel like a bit of a lodger in my own home. I often feel really alone. 


In addition to the couples counselling I did have two lots of online CBT and my wife is still in therapy from that time also to address things that predate our relationship. I have restarted CBT with another therapist and this is face to face.


My principle love language is physical touch and my wifes is acts of service. I find the physical separation very hard in terms of sleeping arrangements. When we do sleep in the same bed if we have guests or go on holiday there are often a lot of comments about how she does not like sharing a bed due to the disruption of sleep etc. Sexual intimacy has been non-existent the last year and was minimal the year before. She will visibility cringe, flinch, eye roll or sometimes get angry when I try to give her a kiss, hug, hold hand etc. She stopped saying I love you back over 2 years ago. 


Her current mindset is she wants to co-parent and co-habit and does not want anything else. She says we have no connection and we do not share the same values. This really triggers me emotionally and I get really upset as I have a fear of abandonment. I am working on my self esteem and confidence but this also feeds into that. She has been my only serious romantic relationship, I love her so much, she means the world to me and I would do anything for her. I have always been faithful. I cannot imagine life without her as my partner. 


The time we spend together without the children is very limited. She often spends a lot of time with friends at the weekend or we are running the children around. Evenings she will go to exercise classes or we are taking the kids to their activities. We try and have coffee in the mornings in ‘her’ room but that is often interrupted. She will often be on her phone during this time. We sometimes watch TV together in the evening but I feel I have to nag her to do this and I feel like I have to nag to do things like go on a date, get a coffee, see my friends or family. I am starting to feel quite resentful about this as she says there is no connection but I feel like I have been pushed away over the past 2 years. 


The relationship status came up this morning. I have been asking her to read the Orlov book and have it on a Kindle I left in her office. We got into a discussion about it and she made a few comments such as - well you never read anything I send you, it won’t change anything, why don’t you read it and tell me what you get from it. I think it is something that both couples should read and would get something from but her comments and attitude just make me think she has completely checked out and has made the final decision.


I am not sure what to do. I am not sure if I am just punishing myself for staying in this relationship.