I'm am the ADHD husband of a pregnant wife with generalized anxiety disorder. I don't know if I was ever formally diagnosed, but while attending college, a psychiatrist prescribed adderall after I gave a history of my academic struggles. I had been managing some of my symptoms for several years since discontinuing therapy and medication in 2010 by using lists, calendars, and reminders with a moderate level of success. However, I had been ignoring other symptoms like impulsivity and my short temper. When my wife and I decided to start trying to get pregnant, we agreed that we needed to seek couples therapy to talk about some of the stuff we had swept under the rug during the first several years of our relationship. Some of that was weird ways we learned to cope with symptoms of my ADHD, and some of it was ways we learned to cope with her anxiety disorder, among other things. I am really happy we are doing that together, and couldn't recommend it more to the folks on this forum. Couples therapy is actually amazing.
As the due date looms nearer, adding to that my recent start at a new gig inside my company, the stress is mounting. I can barely concentrate at work or at home, let alone reply to emails. I know exactly what I need to do, the small tasks needed to make progress on the larger project- but I just can't start anything and its not being noticed yet, but it will be very shortly. On this most recent holiday, I found solace in a game that I could sink several hours into -serving as my hyperfocus outlet- but now I'm back to wandering from task to task, not completing any of them.
So, I thought maybe I should revive my prescription because the standard stuff wasn't working and this is, as many of my friends and colleagues pointed out, a high-stress time in my life and I shouldn't feel ashamed to get medicinal help.
Turns out that is a lot harder to do than I thought. The psychiatrist that originally prescribed the medication is in CT and was supposed to keep my records for 7 years, which I was going to use to prove to my primary care physician in MA that I had been previously diagnosed, so I wouldn't have to go through the rigmarole of getting tested again. He didn't keep them. My therapist is not an MD, so that doesn't help. My primary care physician referred me to someone, who I recently visited, who referred me to yet someone else to do comprehensive testing using a concussion I had in 2005 as an excuse to get it covered because my insurer doesn't cover it unless its a medical problem. That is in April.
If I wait until April to resolve this, I'm going to drown at work and at home, and at worst I'm going to be canned. I have no idea what to do.
Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Call your insurer
Submitted by vabeachgal on
It seems like things might have gotten a little out of hand. Here I go being the non-ADHD person. Let's break it down.
1. ADHD/Family
You need proof of prior diagnosis to get a script from your current PCP? Is there anywhere else besides your old psychiatrist where these records might be stored? Can you contact your old insurer? A history of the diagnosis may still be available. I expect they don't trash that information any time soon. Any old hard copies floating around in a box in the attic? You were in college? Do your parents have any of the records? I doubt I've ever thrown away any of the kids' health care records.
Before you face career and family Armageddon, I recommend calling your insurer. Of course I'm not familiar with your plan, but many plans cover mental health outpatient separate from medical concerns. Can you get an emergency appointment based on inability to work effectively? Many plans also have an ombudsman or advocate to help steer you through the intricacies of coverage. Find a provider with a therapist(s) on staff and at least one psychiatrist so you can get an immediate emergency referral and a prescription.
Maybe I'm all wrong. Maybe ADD meds are more highly regulated than I realize.
Your anxious and pregnant wife does not deserve a distracted husband/father and an income loss at this time. You need to get help in some fashion right away. Losing your job won't help your symptoms. If she is already experiencing anxiety, the outcome of untreated symptoms on your part won't help her at all.
2.. On the job front....
Can you be honest and up front with your employer and just say you're in a little over your head and request help before you're begging to keep your job? Tell them you're aware of the difficulty and dedicated to figuring it out? Give your employer a chance to keep the projects on track. Maybe someone else could step in and you could go back to your old role and avert disaster. It won't help you long term career wise but you can deal with that later.
Lastly, have you been up front with your wife about all of this? Based on my experience, don't keep all of this from her and then blindside her with a job loss and failure to communicate previously. She won't think you did her a favor by keeping it to yourself.
Find the most efficient way to get a prescription or whatever you need. Don't accept April as an answer. My plan has a dedicated advocacy group attached to the plan. Check on it. Talk to your wife so she is aware of the situation. That alone may take some pressure off.
Mindquad Deferance, Acceptance, Trust and Fear
Submitted by kellyj on
Mindquad,
As I read through what you were describing in your current situation...I was getting that familiar feeling that I recognize in myself so often and I immediately started doing what I always do in your situation. Stop. And regroup and rethink things again by looking at all the variables and taking them one by one and looking at them individually item by item and thinking about the best approach to take for each item on the list as if that was the only one I had to work on separately from anything else? Once I do that....I look at them all together and see where the conflicts are and approach the conflicts between any of those variable in order of priority? And there's a reason for this that which is what you are describing as well? Things change and they change all the time. If you are not responsive to those changes...they will catch up to you and bite you on the ass and sometimes ( many times )....it's simply not doing that or shifting gears or changing directions when you need to or missing your exit....you might say? Once you make one wrong turn so to speak....everything from that moment all will only get worse if you are not even on the right path or road once you make that fatal mistake or error? I call that the "first and last mistake" you will ever make once that happens because everything past that point is going to wrong or a lot more difficult to get back on track after that? You won't get very far if you consider....driving around and around the block and up and down unfamiliar streets searching for an on ramp or your way back onto the freeway once you take the wrong one right?
And if you stop first and just consider one thing ( more than anything else )....this is so much ADHD right here....... you can just start with that without even thinking about anything else? It's not...Attention Deficit....it's Attention Re-Direction.....being the main issue after all?
Sorting this all out and applying the four concepts that I included in the title of this thread as the tools you need to sort this all out and use to guide yourself...first and foremost in my opinion but that is basing what I have found that works for me only so I can only offer you what I think that works for me...not telling you what you should do as the way you should do this? I'm making a point to say this because this is the point I wanted to make? Those four things in my option....are inextricably intertwined and tied together so this can get really confusing for me if I don't separate things out like I said? Long before I was ever diagnosed....I use to use the word "scrambled" or "scattered" and I am sure...that is what I looked like to others without a doubt which is not always easy for me to see in myself as others see me when that happens and if I don't stay on top of that....everything starts spiraling downward once I miss that exit or I go down some rabbit hole chasing after the wrong thing?
Deference...or the ability to defer is hugely based on trust and if you don't have trust....it makes it difficult to do anything? Trust in other people is one thing....trust in yourself and a much bigger issue I think first and foremost of all things to consider? Deference is simply the ability to humble yourself to something and take a submissive stance with respect to that thing whatever that thing is? A thing or a person...and you are a person to start with and that is where I look first of all to find the answers I need for myself?
The inability to defer to yourself ( not others )..is the main source for confusion in my case which comes more from not trusting my own intuition or my own sense of what I should do compared to what others think I should do and that can get you into trouble in a hurry if they are the ones telling you to take the wrong exit for yourself and you just follow along blindly speaking? Faith is one thing which amounts to taking a blind leap of faith with no way to actually know what will happen? But that only account for the times...there is no way to know ahead of time but not in some of the things you are mentioning here yourself? I'm just looking at what you said and thinking what I would do...that's all I am saying. I can't really give you advise just to make sure?
I see one thing that you said that was confusing to me...so I will use that as an example just to show you how I might approach this?
"Some of that was weird ways we learned to cope with symptoms of my ADHD, and some of it was ways we learned to cope with her anxiety disorder, among other things."
Separating out here between the two of you? You have to cope with your own ADHD symptoms....your wife has to cope with her anxiety disorder just for starters? There is no "we" here as I see this and this is not just semantics either? You don't share her disorder any more than she shares your ADHD ,right? You can be effected by each others inability to cope by the other...but you can't cope for someone else? What you can be however is affected or moved by the feeling of;..and that is more accurate I think?
I always look for these little Freudian slips in myself to catch my thinking before it goes too far down that wrong road or exist? ( that first and last mistake right there? )
Here's another one just to illustrate this again? "When my wife and I decided to start trying to get pregnant" I don't want to offend anyone or ignore that this is not an usual concept or idea and I'm not going to say that there is not a sense of unity and cooperation implied in talking this approach so there are good things to consider here to make sure? Even within the concept of "joining in the flesh" and becoming "one together" in having a child.......you know cognitively...this is impossible on a physical level right? On a spiritual level yes.....but you have your own spirit as well? I might call it..."merging in traffic" and taking the same exit together...as a better way to see this myself? LOL
But in the sense of saying it this way....I have to ask....is there another reason to say it this way...that has to do with deferring your own commitment to your wife's pregnancy or taking hers on as you own? This probably has less to do with your wife...than with you in how I am thinking about this? If you are not 100% on board with your wifes pregnancy...you may be with her in spirit...but there are no overlapping duties in that respect? If you are conveniently overlooking the physical aspect of her pregnancy ....which again....you cannot share with her.....then all that leaves are the things that you can do to help her make it through and do things to support her or make things easier for her speaking in physical terms now....not spiritual terms which is why I am saying....this isn't just semantics when you look at it that way? Know what I mean?
These are all the things I try and look at...in order to separate out the things that are possible..and the things that are not...first and foremost before taking the wrong exit off the freeway and going the wrong way just to show you how I approach this myself?
What I really wanted to say here has to do with Adderal and medication and I have been struggling to find a way to say this and I think I have in a way that is accurate? I won't go back over ground I've already cornered when it comes to my own drug use in the past....but more than anything else....this is where deference really comes into play in my mind and it seems to be a difficult concept to grasp for many so I'm not going to assume anything and just speak with the authority from my own experiences with drugs in general and admittedly...with a little frustration in the things I here sometimes which is me saying.....please listen to this and take this into account?
I don't know how many times in my life....I have had a headache or felt a little nauseous and didn't feel very well and all that was.....99% of the time was that I was dehydrated and nothing else? If you start throwing pills down your throat like aspirin or anything else as a means to treat your headache because you want the pain to stop.....you are completely missing the reason your head hurts in the first place....which is simply fixed with a glass of water instead? Literally in a matter of minutes and everything including the head ache....just suddenly goes away?
And if you start to defer to others for advise in that case by telling them your symptoms....what is the most likely thing they might tell you ( if they did not consider the right reason themselves which there is NO freaking way...they could possibly know that? ) That includes doctors for that matter? If you went into a doctor and complained of chronic headaches and nausea but walked into the office right after you had a large drink of something.....what do you think the doctor would find once he examined you? I can tell you what he/she would find.....the source for further investigation and a lot of testing in order to find some mystery ailment as being the source of your complaint? Only you know what it wrong with you in respect to how you feel..and if you don't pay attention to your body and pay attention to what it's doing and why.....then your are actually deferring to the wrong source for answers then.....if you don't know this to start?
Every single day I take my Adderall....is a new and different day with a whole new set of variables to consider? Sleep, exhaustion, stress, anxiety, overwhelm and any other concern or worry all come into to play so to tell someone....."here, take two in the morning and one in the after noon".....is simply a starting place after all? Who knows better than you if it's working and what all the side effects are and which is what here? No one. That's the point? No one can tell you the right dose....and further...the right dose at any given moment in time and things are constantly changing from day to day including things like mood and irritability which may be in part...due to the drug...but as you say....you have those things anyway....drug or no drug? I amy find I get "shorter" in my reaction times with my emotions....but that doesn't mean the Adderal is the thing that makes me irritable? The only thing that Adderal does with me in that respect...is just shorten the time frame between when I start to lose control......but that is an entirely different thing than saying the Adderal....makes me angry or irritable in the first place? And if that does happen usually...is from spiking and taking too big a dose which means you crash and become irritable due to that reason alone? It's not the Adderall that makes you irrituable.....it's your own inabililty to manage your own doses and take what you need....when you need it? A doctor can't tell you that..and a doctor doesn't know? All a doctor knows is "the on average" due to the numbers done from test results? Test results are pretty worthless unless you know how to interpret them and if you need a doctor to interpret the test results for you....I'd say there is something wrong with that and you need to learn to do this by yourself for yourself which is all that is possible...or you will always be deferring to the wrong source? That is not saying a doctor is the wrong person to ask...but you are only getting their professional opinion based on all of their patients..but not specific to you? If you lack the trust in your own ability here to do this for yourself.....the fear from that will create a situation where you won't be able to accept the obvious or the most likely thing in front of your face.....out of fear and nothing else which translate to lack of trust in yourself and what your body is telling you and then you won;t believe it out of fear and nothing more? I am constantly monitoring myself all day long and watching for the changes happening so I know when and when not to take my doses and how much I feel I should take? Sometimes I take more when I need too...and sometimes I take less? And sometimes I take an afternoon does..and sometimes I don't? And at no time...do I look on the label on the bottle and just do as it says? Never...not on your life! It's my body...and what I put into it come from a healthy and humble respect for my body and a healthy dose of fear of the drug with a deep respect for it and never take that for granted? No one is going to tell me to just "take this and don't ask questions" and I just do it without understanding why and what that drug is suppose to do?
And just to be sure.....the Adderall.....is only being taken for one reason and one reason only? The ability to focus longer continuously and not get side tracked or distracted by other things or in search of a panacea to quell you ergs and to stay on track? It doesn't do anything about "switching gears"...or ..."changing directions"...which is at the heart or source of the ADHD itself?
- Your not taking it to "feel good".....yet it does and can make you "feel good"...and that's not why you take it?
- It's not there necessarily to make you less angry or irritable...but it can help with that if it keeps you from getting scrambled or to stay focused longer and on what you need to be focused on...so that is actually just another side effect....not the reason why you take it?
*********Listen to this**************** IT IS NOT SO YOU CAN WORK LONGER WITHOUT GETTING TIRED!!!! OR SO YOU CAN STAY AWAKE LONGER TO GET MORE THINGS DONE OR TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND DO CHORES BY SQUEEZING THEM IN TO YOUR SCHEDULE....AS A MEANS TO REPLACE DOING THIS BY REORGANIZING YOUR ROUTINE OR SCHEDULE AND MAKING CHANGES THAT WAY INSTEAD!!!!
Do I do this at times myself? Hell yes!!! And I am robbing Peter to Pay Paul and burning the candle at both ends when I do this? Are you suppose to do this? No? Do I do this sparingly at times because I can? Yes. It is way to easy and tempting but more importantly...it works like a charm?
But if you want an perfect example of what happens when you abuse this? Take a look at Elvis.....the best example I know? He got hooked on amphetamines when he was in the army stationed over in Germany...pulling night watch duty guarding Tanks...and they handed it out like candy back then for that very reason? To stay awake longer than you would normally not be able to do without falling asleep and dozing off? Guess what? The army was not all that cornered with what it did to you...all they cared about was you falling asleep during your watch?
So you see.....you can't separate this aspect from the aspect for which you take it? And if you cannot separate this out for yourself in the first place...you will be taking that wrong exit again and going straight down the wrong road and not even realize it? Know what I mean?
And that's point I wanted to stress here? No one can do a better job at this than you? If you are not doing a good job at this or can't do this for yourself....then you are forced to rely on someone else to do it for you...and hope that they are right? That is a stressor all by itself with a host of problems associated with it namely what it seems like is happening with you right now?
What makes matters worse....is the same thing I experience with my wife in that I feel she has an anxiety related problem that causes her to worry? She worries constantly about everything which becomes clear to me....what her motivation is in anything she says to tells me or worse.....feels I should do....which is not using good judgment or good common sense sometimes because of it? Her decision making process...always goes through this fear filter and comes out the other side in service of that almost every time?
In a moment of frustration and actually feeling hurt over this myself....her kind of panic reaction and jump decision making ability is compromised by fear and worry which leads her to jump to conclusions and take a hard right turn straight down the wrong exit out of fear and nothing else? In other words...she has a tendency to bail unexpectedly...if you can picture someone having an anxiety attack going 50 miles an hour down the freeway in fear of having an accident and then suddenly opening the door of the car and bailing out of it onto the pavement? The best example I can come up with is a deer who is half way across the road and a car is coming..and instead of going forward to the other side in safety...they suddenly go backwards from where they came from right into the path of the car approaching and getting killed and causing the car to wreck and crash? That would be my wife many times as I see her which is why I won't follow her at times since I don't like getting run over myself personally? The other problem associated with that is however....she will not defer to me when I am actually telling her to follow me instead and this creates conflict between the two of us since....I'm not about to get killed....when I clearly see that going back to the other side of the road from which we came from....is going to lead to disaster? In that case...I have to defer to myself...no matter what my wife says of how she feels about it and I can't do anything about this at the time...other than to use the better judgment between the two of us in that case by doing this very thing..in order to know what I should be doing for myself in that case?
Also adding now to the statement I made recently about my wife not being able to wipe her own ass at times....which is not actually a fair statement of course since obviously...she can do that without question? My comment was mostly related to trusting my wife in certain circumstance which I don't...for this very reason?
But the big question here is? Do I trust my wife in the big picture and in the overall sense of trust ( not some specific thing...like knowing how to make a tuna casserole? Do I trust my wife to make a tuna casserole by herself without a cook book? Absolutely not and the reason for this is....I have never seen her cook anything...without following the directions implicitly by the instructions in a cook book? I on the other hand....make up dishes all the time by using what is in the refrigerator and cupboard so I don't throw away food...and I have been doing that for so long without a cook book...that it almost always comes out edible or at least.....palatable and sometimes even great depending on? I substitute and improvise well on the spot and my wife has no ability in this area that I have ever witnessed so I don't not trust she can do this and I don't expect her too because my wife.....is not what I would call a cook or chef...and I am, simply put?
But does that mean I don't trust her or have any fears about my wife as far as being honest and a genuine authentic person? Absolutely not. I trust her implicitly....for that very reason and nothing else? She has never showed any signs to me...that I cannot trust her in this way so I have no reason to transfer her lack of cooking ability...or freaking out or panicking if a car is coming and then spazzing out and suddenly doubling back in front of the on coming car...which is due to her chronic worrying and fear which causes her to make snap decisions and jump to the wrong conclusions?
But not for one second...do I not factor in my ADHD and the inconsitently consistent nature that exacerbates this fear in her ( or triggers it if you will? )....this type of affect...is peculiar to wife alone in respect to other people I have been with...who do not share the same affect from the effect my ADHD has on her and I know this and I take that into consideration too...in strategizing things ahead of time in order to stem this off before we get to that place? Following her....is what I will not do because of this and especially and even more importantly for example...if my wife were to start giving me advise or opinion about my medication intake or trying to apply...what she wants from it...in applying the wrong motivation....to the wrong expectation.....based solely on what she is wanting or thinking it should or shouldn't do? If I am sure of myself..and what I am doing in the things that I said and I am managing it that way as I have been doing for years...I do not expect a drug...to do anything more than it will do...and I know that from my own experience and experimenting with it endlessly and constantly changing and adjusting my doses and taking all factors into consideration....not just one..or not just what one person might think it should do for them in respect to.....not wanting certain things to happen and thinking this will solve the problem ie: Adderal...will fix something....that is impossible for it to fix?
All Adderall does to put this simply...is help you stay focused longer on things without interruption or needing a distraction get away....but it only helps marginally when speaking directly to the re-direction inability or seeking other things to do or using it for that which it really doesn't do at all? It helps...indirectly in that respect...by boosting a lot of abilities together...but one of those is this working longer or staying up later to get more done...but as Elvis discovered....lead to disaster if that is what you are using it for which is absolutely not...why they prescribe it for people with ADHD?
I know when my dose is right in fact...when I cannot even tell it is working or feel it anymore? If I can feel it in my body or feel it in any other way other than giving me abilities that I normally don't have?
Staying awake longer.....for what ever...as the goal
Working longer and harder to get more done....getting more done as the goal
Feeling good...as a relief from something else...as the goal like depression, anxiety, tension, pressure....what ever?
Or anything to do with an agenda or itinerary my wife might input into this for what ever she is wanting to go away or stop?
Are all ....NOT why you take it...and all those things should be red flags to tell you immediately...to plug your ears and stop listening immdediately.....to what anyone else says or thinks about you...taking a drug..and everything that it actually does to you when you do it? The only value any input from another person has in that respect...is to either indicate that you are not managing it well....or you need to learn how to do this yourself without someone else feeding into it? It's the fact that they are feeding into it at all....is cause to stop....regroup..and think about these things in order for you to make the decision for yourself....not to defer to someone else...to tell you what to do? As soon as someone starts telling me about how my own body is actually feelings like they could possibly know that by looking at what you are doing....is impossible. So all that is good for...is to indicate possibly at taking a closer look yourself to see if you are missing something but the specifics are pretty worthless...if the feedback is including how to do it or having the wrong expectation or not understanding what the primary goal is..and applying that or ( wanting it ) to do that...which it is not intended as far as ADHD is concerned?
I think all of this is tied together and tied to accommodations as well? When it comes to making accommodations....you have to now what, where and how to accommodate and all the reasons why first, before you can know...the right course and the right thing to do depending on? Depending on mostly.,.,..your own ability to defer to yourself and trust yourself for answers without anyone else to give them to you....most importantly.
And really if you stop and think about it? If you can't trust yourself? Who can you trust? That's the bottom line right there...IMHO.
J