I have a very ADHD spouse of 13 years who was diagnosed 5 years ago and is extremely successful despite a lifetime of family and social discouragement. He is a funny, smart (gifted), supportive, driven, creative, and a reflective person. He is an ENTP and I am an INFJ and by and large we complement each other and have similar values. Since his diagnoses and sessions with his therapist he has taken a lot better control of his life and has created clearer rules about how people can treat him, to the extent that if we get into a full blown argument he makes it clear that I can leave anytime. These threats cut deep and usually result in me spiraling into a crying fit which he doesn't understand and makes it impossible for me to communicate - I just seal up and we never finish the "conversation." We typically argue over his participation in the home, family, and my childish behaviour... but have never resolved anything.
Convenience and "what he wants" is everything to him as he does not tolerate inconvenience and can rarely accommodate my wants and needs. And I don't think he appreciates my struggle to meet his expectations.
Now to complicate things we recently had a baby (3 months ago) and I feel every time that I ask him to watch the baby for a few minutes so I can do chores (of which I do ALL) it's an inconvenience, he always has either a headache, work to do, or both. Then when I don't get these things done, he tells me that "I have to figure out a way to get stuff done." - which includes a hot supper for him when he gets home. I use to think he was just trying to make me a better, stronger person... now he's just pissing me off, and this is coming through in my attitude to him.
Last night we had another blow up fight b/c I left the house for an hour to get my hair cut. I left a bottle of milk in the fridge, feed, and changed the baby before I left. When I got home I was criticized b/c baby was fussy, he had a headache, and he was unable to eat even though food was prepared for him. I had ruined his whole night. I got mad in return and suggested that he had to learn to cope better with a fussing baby (in other words "man up"), which he responded with - "The past year living with you has sucked. I'm moving out!"
Now I know these are just angry words and he's not going anywhere, but it hurts and I feel myself detaching from him... I've called his therapist to get a marriage counsellor recommendation, but I'm sad that it's looking like he thinks our relationship is disposable and that our baby is going to be raised in a broken home.
I don't know what to do or say to him between now and the time we get into therapy, if we even do go.