One thing I hate about ADHD is that it seems to make those who have it quite talented at using the Jedi mind tricks. Am I over reacting? My mind races....recalling all of the things that seemed so 'little' at the time, not even worth mentioning...and then the red flags start going up all around me, in my mine field of a mind.
At one point we came into some money. My husband had sold everything to his name to survive during our separation last fall and it made me feel good that he was able to replace some of the stuff that he'd been forced to sell. (mostly guitars and amps and such). It did end up snowballing, like a kid in a candy store, and got completely out of hand..."just one more" and then 1 more later "just one more..this will completely replace everything I had to sell" I had no idea what he had and what he'd sold.
Then comes the $1000 autographed George Lynch (maybe??). He had to have it. Always dreamed of it. It was autographed! And when he found it for $700 instead of $1200..."Please can I get it..I promise I'm done after that." I conceded...and have regretted it since. Everytime we'd fight and swear we were going our separate ways, I told him I wanted it sold..I wanted the money so that I could take care of the kids. Yes, I threw it in his face. Many times he would swear he was selling it, tired of hearing about it, etc. If I went to him re: our money problems, it was the first thing he immediately jumped to "I'll just sell everything I have!!" (not in a "I love my family and want to sacrifice for them" way either) I finally swore to myself I would never mention this huge thorn in my side again...and was finally able to let it go. Again, we're discussing money issues..he's immediately defensive..and insists he is going to sell his guitars, he doesn't need them all, he needs to do this for himself, he wants to just get us out of debt and eventually he'll be able to replace everything when we are at a better place financially. Had it not been riddled with the attitude "I'm the only one who ever sacrifices around here" AND zero follow through..it might have actually been a very noble gesture. I didn't believe it when I heard it...and turns out, rightfully so.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago...me telling him I was putting what I had left from my student loans on savings...and using it to pay the mortgage from Oct-Dec...and him saying he was selling the guitar again (NO I didn't mention anything about it!!!)..he would get it on Craig's List immediately. So, I took some of the student loan money and paid up bills and used it otherwise. And..you guessed it, no more mention of the guitar being sold. I tell him a few weeks later how upsetting that was because I took his word (and yes, I TRULY did believe him that time) that he was selling it and depended on that money to put in savings in place to complete my plan of having 3 months worth of mortgage payments in the bank. Oh gosh, you'd have thought I called him a murderer! He was furious. I'm asking myself "how can he be furious for me reminding him that he simply did not follow through on what he promised and that it had put us in a bind". His reasoning was always that the guitar meant a lot to him, something he'd always wanted, and made me feel like I was ripping a puppy from the arms of a 5 year old at Christmas-time!! Thus, the reason I swore to never mention it again. I am NOT the kind to expect him to sell his belongings just to have extra cash to blow. I believe you dont' solve money problems with money...but it was the endless cycle of "I'm selling it, I'm not.." and his admitting on several occasions that he would never get any enjoyment out of it because he doesn't want to play it since it is worth so much, saying it was purely an impulse (hyperfocus!) buy and he needed to just sell it to clear his own conscience about it.
Add to this the sneaking that has started again...hiding money from me. I don't WANT his extra money he makes working on computers, but I also would like for him to say "hey, I made $40 today..so I don't need you to give me money for lunch for a few days" instead of taking it and blowing it on pedals and strings and other stuff when we are seriously struggling as a family financially! Am I NUTS for asking this?? I also suspect he is borrowing money from co-workers and friends and this humiliates me. There would be no need for it if he kept himself on a budget.
The cherry on top of the banana split was when I see him e-mailing the place he got the guitar from...saying he didn't know it was autographed when he got it (a hotly debated subject last night...him making me think I'm insane for remembering that this was the MAIN f'in reason he wanted the guitar in the first place!!!..but I am willing to over look that subject and look at the bigger picture) and asking if he could exchange it for something else! Are you kidding me!!???? The same guitar he refused to sell time and time again because he was so emotionally attached to it and now he's wanting to trade it in...swap it for something else that is new and shiny. Not sure if I was able to make him understand why this is so hurtful to me...not sure if I'm making you all understand why it is so hurtful to me. The guitar has come to represent something much larger in my marriage. I'm literally emotionally and physically drained from worrying over bills, Christmas, etc..and there is the guitar in my face again...the guitar that he has made me feel like scum about...and he's willing to trade 'er in on a new model!! Before you ask, it is no secret to him that we need the money...
It isn't even about him selling or not selling it...it is about feeling like my sanity and happiness aren't important enough for him to sell it. Why can't he feel the sacrifice is worth it..to just sell it? Because he gets nothing material from this...and the satisfaction of selling it and getting us through the holidays with a little less stress and worry isn't motivation enough for him to make the sacrifice and get rid of the damned guitar once and for all. I feel less important than 'stuff' to him. Period.
Doing Dave Ramsey's program once the holidays are over and I have time between semesters to sit down and plot out the plan...so there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I just wish I had some support in this area from him.