Back for a minute..

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to check in and tell you my "break" is just what I needed!  I totally focused on what I needed (not everything that was going wrong) and things are going surprisingly well.....never thought I would say that.  My DH and I sat down shortly before I decided to take my "break" and really talked about a lot of stuff that both of us needed to stop.  I didn't make any demands and had no expectations that anything would be different (although I didn't tell him that).  In the past two weeks he started seeing a counselor at school (or at least he says he is), he got a prescription to help him quit smoking, started taking herbal supplements for his ADHD, he started going to church again (even on the Sundays when I have to work) and he started having the ministers come once a week for bible study again, he went and got the paperwork started to get a house in the area we work (so we can be closer and get away from all the negative influences) AND the #1 most amazing thing is that when he got his student loan money last week he used it for stuff that pertained to school and bills that needed to be paid!!!  It isn't all gone with nothing to show for it, even when his friend offered him two jet skis for an amount of money that he would have easily had.  He actually told the guy no he had things to do with the money.  Guess that whole stepping back thing works!! :)

On my side of the coin, I had an interview for an awesome job last week (Got a call back on it yesterday, but I was gone all day so I will have to call them on Monday), had a call for an interview for another job yesterday (have to call them back when I get home today), was chosen for a photo shoot for a book, the DH took me to the mall and bought me some new clothes (he HATES the mall) and I'm still seeing my counselor.

I know this could end at any time and it could all go south, but I'm "basking in the glow" right now!  Do we still have issues???? OH YEAH!!!  But he is working on his part and I'm working on mine.  His quote of the week from his counselor was "you need to go and do your thing (within boundaries) and she needs to go and do hers and in the evening you come together".  Hes been home every night for two weeks...he might be on the laptop or watching TV but its sitting by me on the couch, so I will take it!

Take care everyone!  Be back later!

Sexless marriage

I have commented and identified with others in the same situation: sexless marriage. However, I need to hear from the ADHD spouse who actually took this issue seriously and took action. I know there are those ADHD spouses who are working on addressing the problem rather than ignoring it. Please, please let me know that you are out there, what you have done or are doing, and what are your suggestions to the non-ADHD spouse. My husband had his testosterone checked, and it is above normal, he takes Adderall XR. He gives only lip service to being interested in fixing our sexless marriage.

 

 

 

Complicated issue...

I'm an ADDer who has Never had a lack of interest in sex. My unknown ADD never had an effect on my drive and in the 2 + years since diagnosis I still have the same, if not more drive after I started the Adderall. I wish I knew what the answer was here, but there have been a lot of changes in me (Mostly for the better) but there are many insecurities be cause of my weight loss and with 2 kids, 2 busy jobs we hardly ever get to go out or spend any quality time together. I have pushed for more couples counseling, but it seems to be not a high priority for my DW. So many things are better since my diagnosis, but this is still an area that seems to be stuck in the mud...

YYZ

back and forth

we had issues with sex for years because I can be on or off. not really inbetween. meaning basically I'm into it when I initiate it (very infrequently) but other than that I'm kinda on off mode. I could go months or even a year without.  I have never skimped on the level of agression toward fixing this whole adhd and marriage thing.  I can be quite competitive :) a few things I've found is

1. adhd shows a basic lack of respect in general to everything in life. (I dont think we mean to do this we dont understand it) part of that is unknowingly not taking care of our own bodies needs. so our hormone levels can even be above average in some areas but it doesnt make a difference we dont understand what our body is asking for so we give it something else. for instance I used to just get plain angry at my husband for no reason (according to him :) or I'd eat alot because I didnt know my body was craving the closeness between a husband and wife or comfort. so I'd yell at him when my body wanted him cause I felt a need but only recodnised my husband wasnt giving me something or wasnt doing something right ( because he didnt know I wanted him) and so I would think about the latest thing he probably did wrong and believed thats what was bothering me and would act on that.

2. part of the above lack of respect is carried over into everything so we exaust ourselves on things not leaving room for things that are needed. it can include showering daily and just smelling like a women or man... we dont think we need it or it makes  a difference but it does. I will stay away from being close to my husband if I'm not top notch because I know it can make him feel like I dont care about him that I didnt make myself top notch before being next to him. hes certainly said that enough. but mostly I dont allow time to get top notch or save enough energy to really put in the effort in sex because I just got busy (my own personal endless excuses just boil down to I chose to do something else at the time and now I'm not ready or awake enough)

3. it wasnt fun. it was like a chore. something to get over with as soon as possible. and it can take forever not only to get top notch but then go through the motions and heaven help me if were supposed to cuddle afterwards. not because I dont like sex. but because I was uncomfortable. I didnt know what my body needed or would respond to (again, because I'd never taken the time to do more than the basics :) so all I knew really was the quickest way to the end result :)  in my case (I'm the wife) I just didnt know how it felt to slow down and just figured I wouldnt enjoy it or it just took longer to get to the same result or happy ending. and since my husband didnt know how to please me since I didnt know how to tell him, I just did it myself and rarely slept with him. wondering why he didnt do it himself more often. :)

once I understood the whole respect thing, I realised how much my time management affected my life. I made the decision to become as fully top notch as I could spare no expense (get up early if I needed more time in my kids oriented schedual) which left me feeling less time constrained and more free to just jump in the sack later. also I managed my energy level better understanding that sex was part of my time with my husband and that regardless of how I feel about it It was in my best interest of not alienating my husband and driving him elsewhere (not to mention showing respect) to put in the effort to figure out how my body responds and what I needed.

we both set aside a good time frame for experimenting and just laying around in a relaxed atmosphere and that worked pretty good.

Hmmmmm

Not sure how you got this out of my post, but if you find out the answer let me know.  I deal with it everyday....but I'm hoping that with the rest of the issues getting better this will too. :)  Take care!

I am so happy to hear that

I am so happy to hear that you're feeling a bit more in control of your life and your situation, and especially that you're coming together peacefully. Awesome that he is going to church...as you know from the other post I made to which you responded, this is vital to someone who believes. Also very awesome about him managing his school money and helping out with bills. I know this must do your heart some good and bring a little reprieve from everything you've been through lately. It really does seem he's battling some demons and I hope that his return to church will really help that battle.

Speaking as someone who recently "got it" (I love using that since GotIt - the member here - was part of me 'getting it' LOL) let me give you a different way to look at you and what you're doing vs. what the two of you are doing 'at the same time'. First, don't look at it as though it could end at any time, because your attitude will remain for as long as you choose for it to remain. "oh, he stopped going to church again? That's OK, I am still going to wear a smile and remain positive and focus on ME" It is OK to feel disappointed, but recognize it, feel it, and then move forward. "oh, he got $500 and he blew it all on junk and has nothing to show for it. Nothing will ever change!!" Not so. It's gone, you cannot get the $500 back, you can choose to fight about it, or you can stay in line with who you want to be and let him walk in his own shoes, with his own choices, and eventually with his own set of consequences.

My point? For so long my attitude about the survival of my marriage...hell of MYSELF...depended solely on how my husband acted. If he behaved, I would ease up a bit and relax..a little. (oddly enough I would always ask myself "why can't I just relax and enjoy life like all of these other people" and I truly believed it was because of my DH) Since I 'got it', yes his attitude has been so nice. He's on ADHD meds still (that made him a MONSTER the previous two times) but oddly enough, he's been in a great mood since my mood and focus drastically changed. I didn't do it for him. I didn't do it for any reason that had any hidden motive (maybe if I change, he will too). I did it because I FINALLY hit rock bottom, FINALLY got that I am my own worst enemy, and FINALLY got sick and tired of being so damned angry all.the.time. Honestly, until you REALLY get there...you just cannot understand. I felt it coming, it was brewing inside of me for months. Between my friends, family, and my lovely supporters here gently shoving me closer and closer to the edge of the cliff and then I finally went over and have started soaring. I know that nothing has changed..he still remains untreated for the most part. he still spent $300 in one week without mentioning the majority of it to me. I know that one of our biggest issues, my SD, remains unresolved.  I know that I will never get the respect from him I deserve in that situation, but the difference now is that "I" am at peace with where I stand on everything and I don't question my motives or my rights to my own feelings anymore. My days do not revolve around his ADHD. The responsibility to treat it are 100% his. I recognize it and don't react. I recognize fully my own HORRIBLE contributions to the mess our marriage was in. Anger. Feeling like a victim. Allowing him to dictate 100% of the mood of the marriage. Constantly focusing on how I would get him to understand me, to accept me, to accept our differences, to love me like I want to be loved. Now it is just all about me. I gave it all to God and I now have Faith that He will see me through it all, no matter what the end result. I am where I need to be. I have a long way to go, but what I do and the choices I make daily no longer depend on what my husband does or how he feels about me on any given day. He is not a bad person. He deserves to be treated with the same respect, love, and acceptance that I want from him. I will show him all of these things even when I don't feel he deserves it. He has to stand on his own choices and I have to stand on mine. We don't stand a chance unless we both get healthy emotionally. I pray that me backing away from him and giving him the chance to live his own life will, in the end make him stronger and bring him back to the marriage renewed and happier. All I know is that no matter what he does, today, I will still keep moving forward. The stronghold ADHD had on me is gone. I hope this is where you are heading too. It truly is the only way. I won't say I don't worry about how I will handle issues when they come up, but I do know that my focus is only on TODAY. Not 'what will happen tomorrow' or 'history always repeats itself' or 'if he doesn't get help he'll cheat again'. I focus only on TODAY and let the rest go. I will/can survive anything thrown my way...with God's help. (((HUGS)))

Rock Bottom

I had to hit rock bottom too (the reason for my break) and I knew I was there when I was at work trying to anticipate what he was doing at that moment, and trying to decided if I could find a way to get out early and see what he was doing.  All of a sudden it hit me that all my energy was being put into trying to put out fires that weren't even mine to put out!  I was so busy trying to predict his mood, next move, motivation, etc...that I forgot who I was.  I have no support system, I am estranged from my mom and sister, my dad passed away three years ago and my grandmother (the person I am closest to) had a stroke about a year ago.  So except for you guys (and your all awesome) and my current counselor I only have myself, maybe that's why I had such a hard time "getting it".  But once I remembered to have a little faith and ask God for help it got MUCH easier!  Now that I "get it", things are so much easier and relaxed between the two of us.  I am trying really hard to keep up the positive attitude instead of waiting for the changes to end, but its sooooo hard to not keep watching for the bottom to fall out.  Today is going to be a difficult conversation (he was up all night last night and spent money we didn't have on video game upgrades), but I am not going to attack him like I used to.  I am simply going to tell him that if he needs things such as this he needs to let me know so I can budget for it and remind him that if he does spend money on the debit card he needs to tell me (not keep it from me) because as soon as I check the account I will find out anyway.  As it is with your DH, he isn't a bad guy he just makes really bad decisions!

The new counselor is awesome!  He totally gets that I only want to work on me, not my marriage and hes ok with it.  Not once has he suggested I get a divorce or that I need to come up with the dreaded "exit plan".  I actually look forward to going, instead of dreading it.....funny how that works.  The ministers we have coming for Bible study are awesome too...they totally get his personality and are soooo easy going.  They answer all his questions and don't "condemn" him for not being perfect, they come each week with no expectations of "saving him" and just let him learn.  Its amazing to watch!

Well enough rambling for the day.  Thanks Sherri for all your support...I sooooo appreciate it! ~~HUGS~~

 

Please bare with me, this is

Please bare with me, this is all new to me too...but let me challenge you a bit more. Don't think of it as keeping a positive attitude vs. waiting on the changes to end. I think that attitude in itself is defeating. Think of it as a whole new way of thinking and being and existing..IN SPITE of everything and anything that life throws your way. If you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, it always will. Sure, you can see his spending money on video game stuff as "the ever predictable other shoe" or you can see it as an issue you need to learn to manage because HE may never learn to manage it. I am putting my family on a strict budget. I am laying it all on in B&W for him to see and setting aside what we can afford for him to spend and there will be nothing else. I love the idea of a separate account that money goes into and that's his to use. I am even taking out a certain amount for myself and that will be it for me, once it is gone. I had sort of expected he would use his debit card too much, but when he did I didn't feel a bit of anger. I felt a bit of anxiety because I knew I had needed that money to pay a bill. When it was all said and done, I didn't have enough to pay the large bill (we were $20 short by the time he spent $300) so I paid smaller ones and will pay the larger one Friday. It isn't the end of the world, but I know too that I cannot let it continue. It isn't about control, it is about survival and paying the bills. I JUST got them caught up enough that we can manage them (with my school money) and I won't let it get out of control again. Period. I don't blame him, I blame his ADHD...but no matter what the cause, there is a solution and I intend to find it.

I would challenge you also to maybe not mention the video game upgrades just yet. What I prefer to do is to tell my DH "we do not have anything left in the account, please don't use your debit card" It is the only way to keep him from doing so. Mentioning what he's spent will only put you into the mothering role. Be proactive from here on out, create a system that does not put this kind of spending so easily at his fingertips (they just simply will not resist the urge when it is in front of them), and let the past be the past...even what happened yesterday. How many times have you "told him" not to use the debit card without asking first? Ask yourself that first...if your answer, like mine, is 100000 times, then don't bother. That isn't the solution to this problem. Neither is ignoring it. Just be proactive from now on.

You truly have to shove him off of the cliff..and hope he learns to fly. He will always have ADHD and money will always be difficult for him to manage. This, to me, is the least of my concerns and one I feel can be fixed in a way that we can both be 'satisfied'. You aren't doing this for him. Don't do it with expectations from him. Do it for you. Do it because you need to be healthy, strong, independent, and emotionally stable for yourself and your children. Don't have faith in him, put your Faith in God. When you surrender to the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING (not a word, not an action, not a thought) that you can do to change him...you HAVE to surrender to the fact that you are completely powerless to his ADHD. You also have to surrender to the fact that without God's help (I only say this because I know you are a Christian) you are completely powerless period. Surrender. Surrender to the ADHD. Give it to God. Surrender your DH and all of his baggage to God and let him deal with it. Picture yourself physically handing him over to God and then picture God's arms around you saying "I got this...just have Faith". You HAVE to have faith and not worry about the bottom coming out. Having faith means that you know that even if it does you will be OK. I worry that you haven't surrendered to all of this...and truly given it to God because I sense you're still afraid of 'the future' and you should be ecstatic about the future. I feel so liberated that I can barely control my excitement most of the time. When I think about what I have surrendered to and how I no longer have to carry the burden of DHs issues or SDs issues...that I simply carry my own..and the best part is I CAN CHANGE MY OWN BEHAVIORS, THOUGHTS, ACTIONS, AND REACTIONS!! Yay!! I feel so free from the ADHD that I am able to love my DH as he deserves. I do not look at him and see ADHD...although I do see it in his actions and words it does not define him in my eyes anymore...nor in my heart.

Ok..just rambling myself now. I am praying for you...

Sherri

Thank you Sherri!

Sherri, I wish you lived by me so we could meet for coffee....your advice is so dead on for me!  Your right I am still waiting for the "other shoe to drop", it totally feels like things shouldn't be going this easy or well.  I have spent my whole life waiting for that darn shoe (my childhood was pretty strained and my first marriage was horrible).  I know I have to have faith, but I'm finding it soooo hard to just let go and give it up.  I so want to be at the point your at, but I am having a hard time putting my faith first and just knowing it will be ok.  I know that sounds horrible, but that's just how I feel.  I like to be in control and the idea of just "going with the flow", scares the hell out of me!  I thought I was to that point, but obviously I'm not. 

Obviously the counselor he is seeing is doing an awesome job of getting through to him.  I came home from work two days ago and the whole house was cleaned and the laundry was done.  I did have to laugh though..he knows some of my clothes don't get put through the drier, so he had hung ALL my clothes up (they were hanging from every place they could hang in the house).  The only thing that drives me nuts is that when he cleans he doesn't see a boundary between whats mine and whats his.  He thinks its ok to throw out any of my stuff that he thinks I don't need anymore.  For example:  We agreed (long ago) that if something is on my dresser, he doesn't touch it because I only have time to deal with stuff a couple times a week.  Well in his cleaning spree he cleaned off my dresser, decided that the papers I had (flyers from a college) were junk and threw them out.  Well inbetween the flyers I had put the pics we had taken in a picture booth (his college had a fun day on campus and we went), so he threw them out too.  Along with that he threw out my watch (very expensive one that I use for running), because is wasn't working and he figured I was just hanging on to it to hang on to it (he keeps telling me im a hoarder because I don't get rid of everything...he keeps nothing).  The battery recently died and I haven't had the money to get it replaced!!  So I had to go digging in the garbage....the watch made it, the pics are pretty much toast (he was like well we can do it again next year, "don't know why it matters anyway"). He also went under the dresser and pulled out the box of papers I have under there and a box of stuff from our wedding and hauled them out in the middle of the living room so that I could "go through them" when I got home.  He was sure "there was something in there I could get rid of", ummmmm no....the one box is our wedding stuff and the other is papers from the kids that are going to go into scrap books for them this winter.  He was visibly upset when I put the boxes back, because he was "sick of looking at them under there".  But really how much room do you have in a 12x60 trailer!!!!!!!!  So again I explained to him that my dresser is the ONLY place I have to put things I don't want messed with and it upset me that he didn't respect that.  I tried to give him an example of me going out in his shed and rearranging his stuff and throwing out whatever I felt he didn't need.....that backfired, he was like "I wouldn't mind at all, as long as it was organized".  Its an ongoing issue that seems to have no resolution I keep things that are important (the house is not cluttered or dirty) to me, he thinks that you don't need anything but the basics.  He sees no reason for pictures, figurines, papers from the kids, books that you have already read, the cases from Cd's, his daughters toys when she is not here (he thinks we should get rid of them and then get her new ones the next summer because they are just "taking up space")...etc.  He even wanted to give away my wedding dress, he saw no reason for me to keep it if I was never going to wear it again. 

I would challenge you also to maybe not mention the video game upgrades just yet.... tooooo late, I asked him about it.  But I did so in a very calm manner, asking him if he had upgraded his game lately.  To which he told me he had "no idea what I was talking about", he had never ordered anything!  So I showed him the statement from the bank and he tried to prove me wrong by pulling up the purchase history on the PS3...amazingly (to him anyway) it was there, he had ordered it the night he was up all night playing the game.  He still swears he has NO idea how it happened...so I dropped it with "please tell me when you are planning to order something so I can put it in the budget".  Telling him we have no money in the account throws him into a temper tantrum about us being broke and how he needs to quit school because obviously I cant handle it.  The difference is the job he had when I was in school paid $12/hr and was 50-80 hours a week and the job I work now that hes in school is 30-40 hours a week at $8/hr.  So, that approach wont work with him.  I thought about getting a new debit card with numbers he doesn't know, but that seems really underhanded and sneaky to me and he would be worlds of pissed when he found out!

Well I have rambled on enough for one day...work is calling.  Thanks again Sherri...your awesome! ~~HUGS~~