back to square one


I feel so sad right now.  Last week we have the "big" talk about ADD (recent diagnoses of my husband) and how it can really cripple a marriage...He has been stepping up and doing more around the house and helping with the children (4 adn 15mths).  He has been kinder to me and trying to be more affectionate.  Though he doesn't think ADD is teh cause of all the problems...he mostly blames me.   he does not see an ADD specialist.  His plan is to meet with current therapist "a few more times" to touch on some childhood things and be done in add specialist, no coach...he's done with therapy...  :( 

For the rest of the summer, he has Wed. and Fri off.  We have roof damage that leaked water into my daughters ceiling which our insurance is going to fix.  Almost 2 weeks ago, we both decided that since the ceiling is open, we would install a ceiling fan.  I said I would ask my dad; he said "no I'll do it"  I said, Ok.

Fast forward 2 weeks...I come home yesterday, and the breakfast things are STILL on the table...he looked as though he had just gotten up from nap.  I then cooked supper AND cleaned up from it.  Then he starts to put the moves on me...I tell him I don't want to do what kink he had planned (I do want to, just didn't want to last night) and then I say, I would still like to be intimate (I have one of those who doesn't initiate physical contact until sex is to follow), and he says "finish what you need to do" (dishes, make lunches etc) and he goes down stairs to play with his guitar.  I clean up from dinner, go down and I say, want to watch TV with me...and he is like totally ambivalent.  So I just go back up stairs.  He comes up at 10:30 and says "are you going to bed" and I say yes...he disapears again.

Today, the contractor called for our CC number for our deductable.  I asked him yesterday to call him (since he was home).  I asked him to take the car in (local place) to be looked at...not done... the contractor called me for the CC number...I had to leave my desk at work, drive home, get the card, come back and call (he is also working today, but could have done all this...and SHOUDL have done it yesterday).  I asked him when he was planning to do the wire for the ceiling fan...he isn't...his words "I'm not worried about it"

And then here is the kicker...this morning he is like "we should take the car in"  by the way, I have learned that when he says "we" he really means I should do it...he is currently looking for an excuse to buy a new camero... after I negotiated with our contractor to 1/2 our deductable as 1000 would be a hardship right now...and he wants a new camero?!  we cannot afford a car payment right now.

I just cried and cried all the way home...feeling totally alone with all this stuff and like he should have done some of these things yesterday.  I just want OUT.

If I remember right your DH

If I remember right your DH is recently diagnosed and is trying to get the meds right, correct? As I understand from many in here, the sort of change meds can make do not often happen in a short time. I understand how wiped out you are physically and emotionally. Come back as often as you need to vent, but don't give up so soon, though I know its been years and years of this kind of thing. I urge you to go back to the posts about "finding yourself" and detaching a healthy distance for your well being. Your sun doesn't have to rise and set on what he's accomplished in a day or not. Detaching a bit will help you get through the adjustment and trial and errors of the right treatment.

As someone else said in another post, if you both agree YOU have control of the finances, then that's how it is. Therefore there's no camaro in his future. Yes, you will get some blowback and probably some jabs about it, but avoiding those is hardly worth the choice to succumb to the financial ruin it would bring for your family. Right now, you just have to say, so WHAT if he's in a place where he WANTS one. Its silly and unrealistic--but nothing is purchased, nothing is harmful about a silly impulsive desire like this. It can only happen if you sign the papers with him right? Dry your tears. It will eventually pass from his mind; you know that's true! :P

You might also find it helpful to read here and other places about boundaries. If something is his responsibility, then don't do it for him. If you all have to eat dinner with plastic utensils because he was too inconvenienced or short attended that he didn't wash silverware, he will likely get the message that if he's going to wash the dishes he is to wash all of them. No one is going to cover for him. His meds may help clear his mind in this area. You might talk with his doctor if you can about what you can fairly expect during this period regarding progress and setbacks. It sounds cruel, but managing expectations can be a huge factor in how this season goes for you. Im cheering for you--he's ACTUALLY got a diagnosis and began treatment! My hope for you is that this could be an exciting time rather than a discouraging one.

thank you...i am trying

thank you...i am trying really hard to be patient...but it is all so discouraging.  I tried to express why i was feeling down teh last few days, and it turned into a big fight...he just turns it all back on me...I am over reacting...these things are minor...etc which just made me feel more angry and isolated.  He cleaned the whole kitchen (still no silverware) and called to confirm with the contractor...but only after we fought...


This is very difficult.

He really doesn't accept that ADD has taken such a toll.  I told him about this site, but to my knowledge, he hasn't bothered to read it.  And he tells my daughter "mommy doesn't feel good and she things papa is a bad person" which is just the craziest f***ing thing to tell a 4 year old...I can't even being to unpack that one...i'm too tired.

I hear you. It IS

I hear you. It IS difficult.

Sharing your feelings when he is still no better of than before is pretty much never a good idea. Its probably the worst response to have right now, until the symptoms are under control. That's part of why ADHD can be such a marriage killer without treatment. How does intimacy (Im talking primarily emotional intimacy) ever happen when you can't trust him with them, right? Its too soon to expect to be able to do that, even though you desperately want rsolution. That's what I mean when I say a healthy detachment sounds like its in order. Melissa's book describes it well. You can't flop around over there trying to do the "normal marriage" thing until his treatment improves and he can show he can handle the "normal interaction." Otherwise it really is futile. I have awesome girlfriends who helped me get through the worst of the lonliness, not being able to share anything with my DH without retaliation, etc. I had to have a healthy emotional life on my own, because the one I had within my marriage was being crushed and strangled and dragged me down tremendously. I think if you continue to look for that kind of fulfillment in your marriage you'll continue to allow yourself to be crushed and dragged down. I know marriage is where one would expect for emotional intimacy to typically happen. But when ADHD is involved, it's a whole new rulebook. Your husband isn't ready to give you what you want and need...yet.

Do yourself aa favor and give yourself some more rope to hang on to--get out with your girlfriends even if its playdates for the kids.

(((hug)))) I know its hard.

I tried a response to this

I tried a response to this yesterday and accidently lost I'll try again...

Please try your best, for your own sanity, to not let every 'mistake' be the end of the world. When you resolve to try and move forward, and have him trying as well, it is detrimental for you to hang "things will never change" tag on his toe and call it a day every time his ADHD gets the best of him. I did this myself and it took a dear friend of mine MANY times telling me this for me to finally get it. ME giving up daily was just as unproductive as his ADHD getting the best of him daily. Address your feelings on the issues and move forward.

"I was going to start supper, would you mind to help me by cleaning up the kitchen?" response to his "not worried about it" about the ceiling fan.."It is not something that needs to become an issue or sore subject between us. I really would like to go ahead and get it taken care of, so I'm going to call my father. I respect that it probably doesn't matter to you as much as it does me, but I need you to understand that it IS something that I would like to get done" response to his forgetting the CC...I am not sure if you feel it is worth bringing it to his attention, but I would let this one go but make a point to address the issue of him helping in small ways and using a dry erase board, message board, post-it notes, etc system so that hopefully he will be more helpful in remembering to do small tasks like this that end up being a big pain in the neck for you when he doesn't do them. Don't expect him to all of the sudden just start remembering and not have ADHD. Figure out a system with him...see what he thinks will help. "I understand you cannot just turn off your ADHD and start remembering to do things like this. I was wondering what you think about us leaving post-it notes for each other on the fridge for thing such as this".

I agree about the car...I think Hermie said it...if you cannot afford it then just show him the finances...put things in writing (bills/expenses vs. income) so he cannot argue with you about your reasoning and just tell him "we cannot afford it" You will have to put on some tough skin and let the grumbling and accusations that you're being controlling begin...but he'll get over it. I let my husband do this once during one of his ADHD meltdowns...never again.