This is not about ADHD or ADD. But I am trying to figure out what is wrong in my life by journaling here. Lauren's post made me start thinking about this topic.
I was attracted to bad boys. A number of them. They are always "cute" and not boring in some ways, even if it is just their over-confident smiles and flirty ways. They are fun and impulsive and made us laugh. Sometimes these bad boys have nice cars and muscles and a devil may care attitude that, to a young woman, seems to be the guy of her dreams.
These bad boys (and some feisty, sexy girls) lose their luster as we age in a relationship. As we mature in experience with commitment and family and growing together, the "looks" and personality of a person does not work like it did when we were dating and going to parties. At this age, I am very leery of men and women who are TOO personable and confident, showy and loud - the drama queens and the showboat--- those people who are or try to be popular with their personality.
As a mature woman, I do not trust the peacocks or the monkeys. I STRONGLY choose the loyal dog who at the end, you realize has been your best friend and always greeted you with exuberance and was a constant, consistent, devoted pal. Cuteness does not last.
Google: What makes a bad boy. Why are the bad boys and bad girls more alluring to us? There is quite a bit of information. It seems THIS is more of my problem with H than his ADD.
Who we are is not our talents, abilities and thoughts. We ARE the choices we make. I was living in a world created by romance novels, rock music and religion, trying to MAKE something work that was not working. I had chosen to pretend my way into a life that I thought I could sustain. It's not working for me, Phil.
Eyes wide open.
The more psychopathic or narcissistic you are, the better you are at conning people into thinking you’re actually a good person. The Good Men Project
The older I get, the wiser I become
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I think I may be traveling along the same wave length as you when it comes to finding peace with own life.
I can state some categorical conclusions I have come to in my life, learned through my own experiences.
I have some distinct strategies around children and eating. These have evolved from overcoming my own eating disorders. (All things of course are taken in balance. If a child is malnourished or obese than changes would need to be applied.) I encouraged my children to decide how much to eat by their own hunger. A bit for breakfast was always encouraged, even if it was just a piece of toast, so they would not feel ravenous at lunchtime. We did not have The Clean Plate Rule. We did not reward nor punish for eating too much or too little. My children always got a snack at 3 pm, irregardless if they ate their lunch or not. Lunch was lunch. Snack time was snack time. Eating was about the child, their hunger, and their nutrition - not my ability as a Mom to get them eat a certain amount of food, or all the food I placed in front of them.
I have some distinct boundaries about subjecting myself to behaviors that are rude, mean, nasty or combative. These have evolved from overcoming the abusive atmosphere of growing up in an alcoholic home. I know myself, I know what I like and what I don't, I know my personality, my strengths and weaknesses. I don't slink away in shame, I don't feel guilty that I 'couldn't take it', I just make choices that are good for Liz. I am not in charge of someone else's behavior, and I will not allow myself to be their excuse for poor behavior. My Dad drank because he had his own problems. Not because of how all eight of us children behaved, or hoe clean our house was at any given time.
Right now today, the conclusion I have is that ADHD, eccentric, extrovert, introvert, artistic, creative, systematic, creative, tidy, messy, detailed. . . .these are all ways of being.
Is there a website or forum that is actively trying to figure out how artistic people can live with people who have to reason out everything? Or the dilemma of an introvert being married to an extrovert?
To Liz, all those things can cause a clash. Years ago, I thought my spouse was very messy, and he thought my organization skills were a sickness!
Relationships are hard. "Becoming one" is hard. Princess Diana had multitudes of wealth, maids, servants, and wanted for nothing, yet her marriage ended. Heidi Klum and Seal had a relationship that we saw portrayed as perfect- - - -magical - - - -romantic. . . . .and they are divorced.
I am at this place, a good place, where I know who I am, what makes me happy, what I want, and what I need. When it gets all wrapped up in anyone else's anger/pain/troubles, then it gets muddied a bit - - -and thankfully, I have learned how to calm the waters and get myself back to serenity.
There are some distinct characteristics of ADHD that are difficult. Diagnosed or undiagnosed, they still are characteristics that someone can either choose to live with, or choose to find a better way to manage.
The thing that is important - is not the absence or presence of ADHD, it is the acknowledgement of the characteristics and what a person is willing to do about them. I cannot remove ADHD from my spouse nor my son, anymore than they can. In another thread, my spouse mentioned the vulnerability of being 'fair game' by posting here . . . . . I would so very much like to be able to assist him to re-frame that thought into the safety of being in a place to find alternatives.
ADHD may be an explanation to why a person responds to situations, but it is not an excuse. I may jump to the conclusion that my son tracked dirt onto the hallway carpet - -because he has in the past. That still does not justify yelling at him, only to discover it was our nephew or my spouse who tracked in the mud. It is unjust to project someone's past behavior onto someone else's wrong deed.
Submitted by c ur self on
(my spouse mentioned the vulnerability of being 'fair game' by posting here . . . . . I would so very much like to be able to assist him to re-frame that thought into the safety of being in a place to find alternatives.)
I've come to realize that I can learn much more about myself by reading my own posts than reading what others say...(Not that I don't count much of what others say as great learning tools, like the statement I high lighted above) The things that are going on in my own mind, is where my trouble begins....
If I see myself as needing to control my spouse's behaviors (and I don't have to tell most of you how desperate I've been to do just that at times) to have a good life, then I will die miserable and unhappy....
Self-awareness can be painful; but, it's also the only starting point to the good life.....
I realize what is out of my hands
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I had spent many years stuck in the fixer mode. I just wanted to help. I wanted a wonderful family life. I was overly optimistic I could create such a life. I gave too many people the benefit of the doubt.
I discovered much wisdom in the phrase "If you can name it, you can learn what to do with it." I am choosing not te be miserable nor unhappy. If all I ever can do for my spouse is plant the seed of hope, I can be content with it..
Just imagine, if you can, what a horror it was when I discovered all the "helpfulness" I was dishing out was just my attempts to control. I mean, not just my spouse, but everyone in my life. Learning what was none of my business, and what was all God's business, was painful, and it really knocked me down a few pegs! Yes, helping really is the sunny side of controlling.
I am glad my spouse is posting here. Baby steps. A tentative act in challenging process.
Much Truth Liz....
Submitted by c ur self on
Most everything you say here can apply to myself....I think it was Now or Never who posted something a few days ago that one of her co-workers told her...I may get this wrong, but, it went something like this... Never attempt to help others; unless they ask for it....
I don't 100% agree with the statement as being an absolute, due to all the different circumstance's that can crop up, emergencies, etc., But I get it!....And the reason I held on to it was, because I needed it as my daily reminder of just how much better my life has become since I made it an intentional act....
I know much of my unsolicited attempts to bring awareness wasn't wanted or accepted...Right or wrong doesn't matter in those incidents where words or actions are forced or manipulation is the tool used to send our message, only harm comes from it....I was wanting to take my perception and what I was experiencing from her behaviors and plant it back into her mind....So she would see herself....And I was stuck in Co-dependent mode the whole time....RESET :)...I like Melissa's word...
The reason I was stuck in this fixer/ enabler mode so long was because of my own insecurities and fears....It's amazing how people will step up when their isn't anyone their to hold them up....
So many people will live out their whole life; and never become a student of themselves...Never desire or become Self-aware....I don't want to be one!...And, posts like the one you just posted to me; encourages me to continue to seek awareness, and deal with me....
Submitted by c ur self on
When I was growing up; it seemed quiet natural to follow the lust of my eyes along w/ my raging hormones....Some times lack of proper guidance and discipline got some of us labeled....Mother tried to teach us better....
I really wasn't that type growing up (Bad Boy) but, my brother's both were to some degree, and I hung out from time to time w/ guy's who were....Many of them craved attention that wasn't there at home....There is usually some deep insecurities there in those life of the party, bad boy types....
I was more like the Wolf in Sheep's clothing....Sadly the most dangerous....