My wife and I have been married for 12 years now. I'm 46, she's 40. When I was younger, I had quite the wild side sexually. At a certain point before we got married, I came into a faith/religious relationship that helped tone me down, and my wife had no experience sexually.
As our marriage went along, we've introduced new things into the bedroom. I've never forced anything on her, we've always talked about it, and if it was something she wasn't comfortable with, I wouldn't hound her. Before I try to introduce anything new, I ask myself, "How will this honor her?" I don't want to be self serving or just use her. I really want to meet her in her needs and desires while fulfilling mine. I guess that is a little selfish, but I know that in marital relations, often the husband has to connect emotional with his wife before she will open up to him physically. And it hasn't been a constant parade of novelty. We'd been married for 3 years before the topic of 'toys' even came up.
Since I was diagnosed (4 months ago at the age of 45), the understanding of how we seek stimulation as a form of self medication has shone a light upon a lot of my past behaviors. I've struggled with porn off and on, mostly on the off side. I've been faithful. I'm totally in love with my wife and committed to her. I have every reason to believe she feels the same about me.
But the last few years have brought some difficulties. Because of some health issues, I haven't be able to 'operate at peak performance'. For the most part, she's accepted this and we have found ways to maintain a satisfactory sex life. But since being diagnosed, she has gone from acceptance of these issues to blaming the ADHD and saying that I'm not interested in her and that my bringing new stuff into our relationship is just because I'm seeking stimulation or need the novelty and that she isn't enough for me. As a result, she has put an end to these practices, and our physical intimacy has become a miserable failure. I can't perform (health issues), she's frustrated, I'm frustrated, and we just end up arguing all the time.
And while I have to admit that I am seeking stimulation and novelty, I've tried everything I can to honor her. I really want to connect with her. I really want to meet her needs. I was under the impression that she enjoyed these things. I'm seriously not trying to play the, "It's my way or the highway" game here. But now, every time I approach her, she starts drawing up a list of 'can and can't do's', and questions my motivations. I loose 'interest', and it just spirals downward from there. It's kind of like having the rug pulled out from under me and I don't know what to do.
I am taking meds, and that has been a god-send. She often comments on how that has helped us. I do chores, cook, and clean. I make every effort to be present with her. I'm still learning, as I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life. And I don't think that our marriage is in danger of falling apart. But this is really causing some trouble, and I hope I can find some advice of resources here on the forums.