Bankruptcy of a soul

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” ~Eric Hoffer~

“Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don’t go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger." ~Chetan Bhagat~

I am surely wondering about direction. I did not get good instructions on marriage by watching my parents. My Dad was a raging alcoholic. Mean words were his backlash at us.

My spouse did not get good instructions on marriage by watching his parents. Ten years into their marriage, when my husband was about 7, his dad moved into another bedroom. His parents stayed 'married' until their deathbeds, warring factions: "active hostility or contention; conflict; contest: a war of words" as they were good Catholics, and good Catholics do not divorce. His parents did not talk, they used their children to send messages to each other, and the end result was you were either 'for Mom' or 'for Dad.' Mom worshipped the ground Dad walked upon. Dad despised Mom. Brutal. Ugly.

My spouse 'purposed' to do things different. I 'purposed' to do things different. My line of direction was study, read, ask questions, watch and learn. My goal was to be the good Christian wife, and tried my darnedest to make the right choices. Encourage my spouse. Lift up my spouse. Pray for my spouse. Encourage my spouse. Never degrade my spouse. Never speak badly of my spouse in front of his children. Be a cheerleader for my spouse. Bend to his leadership. Make my spouse happy. How did I lose myself along the way? I thought I was doing it right. I put time and effort and purpose into every choice I made. I raised our children. I supported him in his choice of being self-employed. I immersed my own self into making his dream come true. I did the housework. I did the laundry. I did the grocery shopping. I made the holiday magic happen. I did the administration for his business - without pay because it was easier for me - I loved what I was doing. It was my heart calling. And it had exploded all over the place. I feel his resentment towards me. I feel his anger towards me. I do not know how to deal with non-compromise. I do not know how to handle making agreements, and being disappointed in feeling let-down.

So when he said he was ready to try counseling again, I had that old glimmer of excitement. Really? You want to try? I am willing to put in a last ditch effort.

3 weeks in, and the same pattern has evolved. Not once have I heard him say what I so-o-o thought I was going to hear from him, "I see that these negative ADHD behaviors are getting in the way." or, "I am here because I want to know what "I" need to do to make this marriage work." The conversations fall into him weeping and wailing and being so despondent over "no sex."

I have 'no sex' too. I have no intimacy. I have no soft place to fall. I have no help. I have no support. Oh holy Toledo. I spent 29 years trying to be a couple, trying to be his support, trying to latch onto his dreams, and heck, I do not want to go out on my own.

I am staring the reality in the face:   I will have to go out on my own.