Here is a writing from online "Phycology Today" that I shortened and it targets exactly what I have been swimming in for so long. I didn't know the rules (or chose to make my own easier, more comfortable rules). I was attracted to the bad boys and I was a nice girl. Not a fun place to be for too long.
Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest
Whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Moral of the story—don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior
People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions. As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly.
3) Nice People Are Too Available
Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible. Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable.
So, learn from the jerks and divas—but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love...without being so nice others walk all over you.
Oh my gosh, jennalemone, does
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Oh my gosh, jennalemone, does this ever speak to me, too!
I'm more a fan of "the one
Submitted by barneyarff on
I'm more a fan of "the one who cares the most, loses"
I read the article and thought it was pretty good, but I can see my husband thinking he was the "Nice" one and I'm the "Mean" one and he would feel justified in spite of all the procrastination, hoarding, depression, etc etc etc.
The one who cares
Submitted by jennalemone on
barneyarff, I have often thought those words too. "The one who cares the most, loses."
'The one who cares' is alone after hyperfocus ends
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I am living the final stages of that now as my ADHD wife has asked for a Separation (with no inconvenience for her, of course.)
Hi Jenna...Interesting....
Submitted by c ur self on
A few things jump out at me....It's not about "nice" (IMO)...It's about Character, (selfish, unconcerned, & indifferent) and lack of it....We all vow the same vows basically....It's just that some people have no character, they do not understand (it's not in their heart) what it means to be fully committed, and fully invested...All they SEE is their own wants and needs...(They are users of others)
My wife is one....When she visits our grown children, she never just calmly goes to see them....She most always plans something for her own entertainment, then drags them into it...(And justifies it by proclaiming she knows what they need, and that they don't know have to have fun, but, she is going to show them....(That is the women I married!)
If you (you, meaning any of us) tend to be a person who is capable of fully investing and being fully committed, but, your spouse isn't matching you in their commitment to their own vows....Then that alone identifies them....A person of low character usually doesn't like to SEE themselves and must make excuses for not investing or being committed....
(IMO) A person with low character finds ways to protect themselves (turn avoidant) when cornered with the reality of their life styles...It may be something as simple as bulldozing their spouse w/ sarcasm, threatening looks etc....(that's mostly a male thing)...Women with low character and the inability to commit and invest, will resort to blame and manipulation attempts in my experience...It's not that they are incapable of communication about themselves...It's just low character people (takers) most always will do about anything to avoid it....Fight, Flight, etc....
Lets define "Nice".....When does the term nice, turn into Co-dependent?....I am "nice" (I think I am)....And there is nothing wrong with "nice"....If you and I meet on the street, you would appreciate it if I was nice to you....And visa versa....No...It's not the nice people who finish last...It's the needy...Nice people or just going to be nice...But nice people who live in reality, and have a firm constitution, know when to walk away from users...I have to be intentional with my wife....I refuse to not give her myself, my love, and my energy, when it comes to what God has called me to be as her husband....I can't gauge that by her obedience to God as a wife to me....BUT, because I was the poster child for your article in those early years...I have learned (constantly learning) to not engage when she isn't meeting my efforts with her own....All I can ask her for (the same thing I expect of myself) is a good attitude and effort in all phases of martial life...When the attitude turns victim, I back away....
c