To be married or not to be..

I was diagnosed with ADHD only a couple of months ago along with anxiety disorder. I am not any medication, but on breathing exercises and other physical treatments. However, my condition has caused the demise of my seven-year relationship of which 5 were spent in marriage. My husband is a good man with some faults which i was incapable of dealing with in socially appropriate ways. For example, lack of responses to questions or vague answers and explanations used to eat at me so much that i would get angry, aggressive, and sometimes violent. The anxiety i often felt would consume me leading to panic attacks and bordering paranoia. I dealt with my husband's faults very badly even when i knew that i was doing so. It was as though i couldn't contain myself! But now my husband and i are separated. I threw him out about three months ago after he did something i thought was unforgivable. I started seeing a psychologist because i felt as though i needed to speak with someone and which ultimately led to my diagnosis. But now I have reached a cross road. My husband, who was very adamant that we will never get back together, wants me back. I am at a cross road because being alone seems to be the best thing to have happened to me in seven years! I feel free! I feel happy! I feel like the world is filled with endless possibilities and opportunities! Which leads me to question, should people with ADHD be married?

I remember the moment of realization, while speaking with my psychologist about my symptoms, the amount of grief and agony those symptoms caused my husband. My heart bled for him in that moment and i immediately wanted to have myself "fixed" just so i can be "better" to treat with him better. But he remained steadfast in his resolution at the time and now i have become attached to my "freedom". I feel ABSOLUTELY stress free. The last time i was this happy (apart from a few moments of loneliness at the time) was when i was single and living alone. Yes, that should have been a clear indicator that i should have never married. I LOVED living alone, so much so, that my mother was shocked when i got married and had children. Yes, I have children, two of them. Which brings me to my second question. Should i accept my husband back because of the children? They seem to have adjusted well so far. There are no signs of depression or acting out. How do i make such a decision? When my husband is around i feel "stifled". I am not sure why. The poor man is hardly ever home and never complains about anything i want or choose to do. Maybe it is the fact that while we were together i focused on him so much. Every gesture, tone in his voice, what he said or did not say, what he was implying when he said something even when he meant exactly what he said and wasn't implying anything, my gosh! I can go on! It saddens me now to think about it because i know that i am only just now learning to manage my thoughts, emotions, and behavior. I now have a deep concern that without such obsessive behavior i am very likely to be indifferent to him as i have been when he visits the children. I do not doubt that i love my husband, but i guess another concern is that if we got back together, eventually we may still end up going our separate ways. Yes indeed, maybe people with ADHD should not get married...sigh . 

To aliciakm

You sound euphoric about your diagnosis. You are right, the future, with treatment, now holds endless possibilities and opportunities for you. Couldn't your marriage be one of those, too? Think about it.  

Yes, I am happy about being

Yes, I am happy about being diagnosed. I did not understand why i was "behaving" the way i was, and worst of all why i couldn't control myself. I could be a "horrible" person one moment and very likable the next, but it was the horrible that my husband seemed most to remember. I am also happy to be diagnosed now than to have gone through my entire life "out of control". To answer your question, i did consider that my marriage would benefit greatly from me being diagnosed and treated, but when i discussed it with my husband at the time his response was to "wait and see" first if i would improve and MAYBE we would "end up back" together. I guess in that moment i made the decision to move on and put the marriage behind me and just concentrate on making myself better in all dimensions of my life not just in terms of the condition. This may be why i feel more fulfilled and stress free. I think i might be reluctant to accept my husband back because just as he wanted to see improvements in me, i wanted to see them in him, and i haven't. It means that even if i can cope better with his short comings, they will be a source of stress which i am not very sure that i am ready to deal with..

As a non-ADHDer I can

As a non-ADHDer I can honestly say that no matter how much "love" my husband had for me, if he felt the things you are feeling I would not want to be with him. It isn't fair to be with someone if your heart isn't in it. I am not sure that your ADHD has anything to do with your lack of desire to be with your husband. I certainly know that I don't think that ADHDers should never get married.

You are correct. Please read

You are correct. Please read my response to best-is-yet-to-be comment on my initial post and give your take. I am really trying to work this out in my head, which is the reason i posted in the first place, and comments like yours really help. Thanks