Beaten down and trying to find new hope so I can pulll up my big girl panties and try some more....

After weeks of reading the posts on here I have finally joined today...

My husband and I had an amazing world wind romance for the first oh... 6 months of our 6 year relationship... He was so exciting and oh so much fun... I was organized, independent and had my sh*t together... we become inseparable quickly...

Slowly but surely things changed... the high and lows, the irritability... the anxiety, the self medicating, the procrastination, the pity parties... ugh...  to the point that I went to the doctor for 2 1/2 years thinking that there was something wrong with me... getting anti this and anti that to deal, I was reading books, thinking the entire time that "if" I could just be a better this or that or if I could do more our marriage would work... and I would be happier... "we" would be happier... all the outbursts of anger then the honeymoon stage for a few weeks (or sometimes only days) it always left me riding an emotional roller coaster that was draining... and made me if I was doing something wrong....

Finally over the past 6 to 8 months enough was enough... I was tired of giving in to what ever new "thing" he needed, wanted, or just had to have and I started taking my life back...(well parts of it) no more anti anything... and so our marriage got even worse... Everyone including our 7 year old daughter (have 2 son's 17 and 16 also) has daily set chores to help our household run... except my husband... I don't exactly know how that happened, just that it dawned on me a few days ago that, that is the way it is... Everyone has "something" they are responsible for daily except him...

I always knew "something" was "off" but like I said before, I always thought it was me... so I worked on making me better... plus losing weight, staying fit, always trying to be more "fun"... I recently (a few weeks now) realized that my husband has and has/had untreated/un diagnosed ADHD... it took alot but I got him to take 3 separate self tests that all confirmed hands down that it is HIGHLY likely that he has it... I made an appointment for Dec 14th for his evaluation and bought 2 books of "The ADHD effect on Marriage" one for him and one for me...

But after being verbally beaten down by him for years now and thinking everything was my fault and there must be something wrong with me, I sort of left relief when discovering that there may be an answer... but after his denial of the ADHD being a factor in our problems and his unwillingness to even consider that he may have a problem at all... has left me hopeless and feeling as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel...

There are so many "stories"  and "history" that I could tell you but I don't have the energy to sit and write it all out... I feel like a beaten horse and I know that if I don't get some renewed life back in me... I will give up... is there hope out there????

wustygirl re: hope out there???

Same song.  Different singer.  I hope to have my husband evaluated soon, too.  Is there hope?  I suppose so.  I'm so tired I can't think that far ahead.  I can relate to much of what you have written.  Except I never tried to be "more fun". Unless by "more fun" you mean "less murderous".  You sound as if you have put in a lot of effort to please him.  So have I.  That can really wear you out.  Good luck to us both.

ebb and flow's picture

wustygirl

All I can say is you're in the right place and it's a good thing he's going to get a proper evaluation for his possible disorder. 

If I can give you one piece of advice it would be to use the momentum he may gain from the 'new' diagnosis to follow up and get PROPER and FULL treatment. Without it, life may continue to be VERY difficult for the both of you.

In Melissa's book she talks about the three legs of treatment... VERY IMPORTANT!!! 

I am all about natural/alternative therapies but at this stage of the game (living with ADDer) I'm all for stimulants as one of the main treatments of ADHD, therapy with a therapist who specializes in ADD (it's very important they are familiar with ADD) and possibly a coach if his symptoms get in the way of his life (which, sounds like they do).

I'm sorry I'm being so straight forward in my response to you but I remember feeling so lost months ago, looking for answers. These were the answers I was *really* looking for, so I thought I'd share them with you right off the bat! ;)

Welcome.

Vent, chat, share, be merry! :))

Good luck!!

ebb and flow re: response

I wish you had posted first; I was in a bad mood and your response is so much more "cheery".  You really ARE a perfect partner. 

ebb and flow's picture

revelation

Thank you for all your compliments, rev.!!!! :))

I may be the perfect partner... but am I the perfect "non-ADD partner"???? ;)

Nope. That's why I'm here! :/

I'm just emotionally transparent, that's all. Not as wise as you may think....

:)) Thanks again, lovely. :))

Thanks Everyone...

Wow... after another EXHAUSTING fight filled weekend... lots of "I'm sorry, I dont know why I act like that or say those things" I really needed to know I am not alone on my roller coaster ride... ugh

..and not just any old roller

..and not just any old roller coaster...it can feel like one of the wooden ones that always leave you bruised and with a headache after you ride! :)

I'm happy he's getting evaluated..this is such an important step. Read and learn as much as you can...and encourage him to do so as well. It is amazing the little things that mean so little (like him not having any chores) when the behavior improves dramatically. I'm hoping for this for you! Please let us know how it goes tomorrow.

Sherri

tomorrow...

I will... and honestly I know that this is not going to be "the cure"... but I know it can't hurt to just know either way if he is or he is not (I can almost guarantee he is though) and it will be a start... I am just crossing my fingers that I can get him to keep moving forward, he has a tendency over the last few weeks to retreat back into denial that there is anything wrong other then me not "loving" him enough...