Been ignored for one week while he is in manic state working

My boyfriend of six months is a professional musician.  He has moved beyond the hyperfocus stage, has started detaching and now has gone a solid week without seeing me.  He's called every few days - sometimes after staying awake for two solid days working on a music with an imaginary deadline.  He has new software that he's learned in record time.  I've seen this mania before and it is alarming but this is the first time I've been completely cut off.  His messages keep telling me what an understanding girlfriend I am and that he misses me but he's soooo busy.  

I haven't called but finally, after some mania of my own, I researched ADD and came to the conclusion that this is what I'm dealing with.  After I read over and over every symptom pertaining to him (and it's severe), the anger subsided.  I don't think he can help it so I can't get mad.  I am starting to detach myself though.  My question - is he pulling my leg that he still considers me his girlfriend after no communication, no being there, no interest in my life whatsoever for a week or in his ADD cloud does he believe this is normal - that a relationship can go days with no nuturing or bonding?   

I realize that I should be asking him this and I will when he comes down from the high and actually requests seeing me.  I just wanted to get some feedback from anyone out there.  ADD'ers - is cutting someone off part of this disease or am I being duped?

Take stock

I hate to say this but are you sure you want to take all of this on?  You have only been together for six months and already the affects of his ADD are affecting your life.  My advice is to make a list of Pros and Cons of the relationship.  If the Pros don't outweigh the Cons by a huge number, you are probably better off leaving . . . .


No, I'm not happy about taking this on.  It reminds me of the Six Feet Under epsiode when the mom gets surprised by her new husband's secret condition.  But, I saw the signs.  I should have followed my gut and figured this out sooner.  I don't think I'm going to have to worry about "taking it on" since he is phasing me out.  I would like him to get the help he needs however so perhaps I'll be the first ex that doesn't hate him so much she never speaks to him again.   

it's not your responsibility to "take it on"

Does your boyfriend know he has ADD -- has he ever been diagnosed?  Have you talked about it? 

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we broke up once at about the 6 month mark after he started pulling away.  We ended up getting back together after about a month, but neither of us knew that adults could have ADD until a few months after that.  I don't know if I would have done things differently, but ideally if I had known about his ADD at the break-up point I would have bought him a couple of books on Adult ADD and left him to do with it whatever he felt was right.  If you love this guy, give him a push towards getting a diagnosis and treatment and then back off.  If he takes it seriously and gets help and you are able to stay friends, maybe you can pick things up again after he gets treatment.  He might think he's fine though, and that there isn't anything wrong with how he is -- if that's the case, you are still better off leaving.   


After days online researching this odd behavior I diagnosed him myself.  There is no way he will go get evaluated.  He's a former drug addict and alcoholic who went through rehab numerous times and many AA meetings.  He hated revealing himself and he basically quit everything by himself.  He's through with any therapy, thinks he's just a little "weird" and is going to do things his way, in other words - no brain scan, no experts, nobody but his crazy self trying to solve the impossible financial mess he's got himself in with his gas turned off in his apartment for 11 months now, his electricity about to go off, his rent always being late, the fact the he's had no driver's licence in this state for seven years nor any insurance or registration but still drives.  I'm crazy for suggesting that perhaps there's something else behind all this, that the irresponsiblity could be a symptom.  Now our "future is in the balance" for being supportive, trying to help him and being patient beyond my own capabilities.  Every symptom for ADD he has - failed relationships, shutting off the world as he stays up for days focused on whatever obesession he has at the moment (for months it was the election.  A football video games takes hours of his time, ad naseum), loving me like mad in the beginning, being nasty and contemptuous later.  I can't help someone who refuses to help himself.  Thanks for asking and letting me vent.

Vent away...

"There is no way he will go get evaluated."  That's really all there is to say.  He won't get evaluated and he blames you for suggesting something might be wrong since everything was fine before you said it wasn't.   Sigh...

I was serious before, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him a couple of books (I got Dr. Hallowell's books Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction) and leave them with him.  It's up to him whether or not he reads them and takes them to heart but either way, don't stick around and suffer nasty and contemptuous treatment from him.  ADD or not he is an adult and is responsible for treating you with kindness and respect.  If all his exes hate his guts it's up to him to realize the common factor in all his bad breakups is him!!

Consider everything

He is ultimately responsible for his actions.  If he wants help, he will seek it.  Sounds like he isn't going to seek help so if I were you, I'd bail.  If he truly loves you, he will get help on his own and, once he has gotten control of HIS problem, find you and win you back.

Good luck.  I hope you both find peace . . . .

For Lulu

I make it a general policy not to suggest to people they leave relationships, but will make an exception here.

I've read what you've written and would say maybe he has ADD, maybe he doesn't.  I wouldn't jump to any conclusions...nor would I suggest you base your decisions about his suitability as a boyfriend or potential spouse based upon whether or not he has ADD.  This "he can't help it" statement isn't quite right.  He can choose, once someone brings the idea of ADD to his attention, to pursue a proper evaluation and treatment.  Instead, you suggest that there is no way that he will do this.  You also point out that he is financially in real trouble, has social issues, has a string of girlfriends he has let down so badly that hate him, and seems to be pulling away.  Add to that addiction issues...

You say you can't get mad as you think he has ADD.  Sure you can!  He still isn't treating you as you would like to be treated!  ADD (if he has it, which I'm not convinced of) doesn't give him a free's only an explanation.  Certainly not an excuse.  What you describe, however, (and I'm not a doctor) suggests that there's more than ADD going on.

I'm sure that there must be positives about him, but you haven't listed any of them yet.

There are lots of REALLY, REALLY great guys out there.  This probably isn't one of them, regardless of the reasons why.  Let him pull away, give him those books, and move on.  You don't have much time invested in this relationship yet...but do you really want to invest more?

Moving on....

No, I don't want to invest more.  In the beginning I was dealing with a completely different person.  Someone I definitely could have build a life with.  Attentive, affectionate, doting, loving, making plans, telling me "I'm the one", saying "do something to piss me off so I can come down from this cloud!"  Then the transition from spending every moment together to me leaving early in the morning and coming back late at night to not seeing him for a couple days to being ignored completely.  What a ride.