Begging for Guidance

I'm a 35 year old non ADHD wife married to my 41 year old husband, for the past 15 years. We have 5 children 2-16. The past 15 years have been a nightmare. My husband was diagnosed, but refused medication. No drug or alcohol use ever on either of our parts. No cheating in my end ever. He has never been caught.

He's a compulsive liar. Lies about everything and daily.

Says he knows he does bad things but cant stop doing them

he foreclosed on our home. I had NO idea until the sheriff served me papers. 

Refused to ever let me pay bills, would tell me he was paying them...then lied and would have frightening amounts of debt.

repossessed my car, his car... Again had no idea

he makes zero sense when he talks, contradicts himself constantly, hypocritical. 

Never keeps his promises

extremely selfish

Demands sex like he becomes obsessed with it. 

Verbally and mentally abusive. 

Steals money out of my purse.

I woke up the day after christmas to find out he had taken all the gifts my family got me, back to the store and returned them and took the money.

told my 16 year old that he was putting my sons paychecks in the savings account for a car, but stole all the money and never paid him back.

Will harp on the same three things and repeat them over and over and over

only focuses on the negative, never says good job to the kids. Ever. 

Cannot focus when i talk so he then accuses me of not telling him things or saying, "You never told me that".

has to constantly have some kind of drama. Like he cant just relax, always something.

washes his hands, checks locks, obsesses over the same things over and over, cant sit still.

Works for a month then plans his escape route to quit working. As if it takes every ounce of his being to maintain at work.

He ruins just about every evening with his irrational nonsense, trashes every holiday with arguing, it's hell.

i CANNOT afford to leave or I would, in a heart beat. He has demolished my credit. My little boy has Autism and ADHD, 11year old has severe ADHD, and i have a toddler. I cannot do anything until she goes to kindergarten. I have no family NONE! i have to find a way to survive with him and still give my kids a good living environment. 

Right now i am trying to get him into see a psychiatrist, earliest appointment is a month away. He promises to get help, then kisses butt for a few weeks, then right back to hell. Then work schedule wont allow for appointments. My question is...I can handle no love or connection. I feel like he is another child. Not sexually attracted to someone so hurtful and mean, to someone I have to mother. But if he doesnt get sex, he is a horrible bully. I feel like a prostitute. He wants sex, and I want a loving husband. I'm not witholding sex to punish him, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I need some guidance here. I just need to make this the best i can and for the most part can put my feelings aside. But i cant seem to "fake" it enough to want to go to bed with him. I either need to look at all this in another way or I dont know. I do have sex with him...like every two weeks but its hell. 

I have let this cycle to continue and i have no good explanation for it other than, i kept hoping he would "get it", stop, or maybe I just keep thinking he does it on purpose or can control it. I have been stuck in this mess for so long...i myself am totally confused from being so entrenched in it. I welcome and appreciate any productive thoughts, experience, advice. Ty ❤️

he can't recognize

he can't recognize emotions..in his case only after you scream and cry and get his attention..but again not for my sake but for what he realizes the consequence could be. He is not stupid per say but his mind will not let him touch on certain things. And in order to function within himself he has to just ignore these things in hope they go aWay. The only thing he does think is that it is my fault..the kids..the situation...too much pressure to produce. He cannot relate that he is letting me out of the act of sex..to him it probably is not an act of love..just something to take his sexual desire away. He is not seeing sex as a pleasure just a response to his desire. Just as when he spends money or can't support me it isn't because he doesn't want to..he just doesn't understand that for him to get along in this world he can't think of the things he has done. It makes no sense to him. He doesn't have the desire to do things right and cannot appreciate any help he gets for any length of time..thereby leaving a path of destruction. Even when he tries to function with the kids there is a secondary reason..it fills his need. Unfortunately to say don't take it personally, it's the way he is made, does not go a long way to help my sanity or the kids. He will not stop. Maybe if he is on meds he would slow down and focus and recognize feelings better. I don't know. I always remember a childhood friend telling me when she was young she could not see well..finally she got strong glasses and was shocked to see the leaves on the trees. She could never see that far before. Maybe this is the way it is with him..he just doesn't really see.
What this does for me Lord only knows. From the sounds of what I have read here, there is a chance but not a great one. It sounds so easy to say you have to make a life for yourself outside of your marriage sounds impossible to me as my husband would freak out. Kinda like, i dont want to do the "right" things as a husband, but if you dont give me constant attention...i will pick fights and torture you. 
I am raising FABULOUS kids that get honor roll, volunteer, even tempered, wonderful little people. We have managed. But at what cost to me? To the kids? And how long can i keep on. And if we leave him, I'm saving myself from dealing with him, but dumping him on my children...who would still be stuck with him throughout their lives...unsupervised. There has to be a way to make this livable. Blah

Hang in there!

From the sounds of it you're a very hardworking & caring person. You've made due & I think you can get through this. You must make an ultimatum to him; either he gets counselling & tries out different medications or you leave him. If you can get a person who specializes with ADHD to work with him I think that would be a huge step. I dont think its fair to your or your children to have to deal with his behaviours. He doesnt appreciate you as a person & why should you waste your sanity on him? I know it's not fair to him, but its even less fair if he ruins the whole family by his actions. 

Also he probably compartmentalizes a lot of things. Who knows what he does with all the money. He may have a gambling addiction for all you know. I would recommend leaving the marriage at least for a while, so that if he does come back & promises to change, at least that will be there (although if you were to do something like that & he begged for forgiveness, youd need to create a new set of rules to control his behaviour & at least attempt to improve the relationship). The key is communication but how much can you really communicate if he doesnt understand or try to be open to your perspective. Thats hopefully where a counseller can come in place. 

 

I would really look for a way to leave him though. Like I said it may not be fair to him but it's also not fair to you to live a miserable existence with him. If theres any social programs in your community that can help out, or maybe some family somewhere that would be willing to help. Good luck and all the best!

Oh how i wish that was

Oh how i wish that was possible. He has messed up my credit so bad...i could even rent an apartment. I cannot get a car since he just repossessed mine. Zero family and truly stuck. He would NEVER support the kids as he said if i leave him he will quit his job. And even if he paid half of his income in child support, it wouldnt be enough. Just have myself stuck for a while. Just hoping to find some tips on how to make it better in the meantime. Getting outside help from doctors and counselors, is hell. Takes FOREVER to get an appointment...they talk to him for 10 minutes then dont see him again for two weeks...he has to miss because of work...feels hopeless.

Hi there, i am so sorry you

Hi there,

i am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. Your husband sounds pretty tough to deal with and super volatile. I am so sorry. If you click on my name- you can see my previous posts and that I am having a tough time with my husband right now. He hasn't been quite as bad as yours I don't think- but it's been tough. Since you are looking for tips on improving things, that's what I will do- but I am concerned for you and think you should maybe start planning for a split in case. I only say that because of the stuff you said about your husband stealing from your kids, threatening not to support you and the kids if you left, etc... He sounds very controlling.

the best advice I can give is that if you are staying in the marriage, you have to try your best to improve things and be good to your spouse. It will never work to just try to deaden your soul and tolerate whatever when you are just dead inside. If that's where you are at- it may be time to look quietly for a job and make plans for an ultimate exit strategy. If you think there is some hope for the marriage and for your husband to change, then you should make your best effort to change your behaviour (that's all you can control) and hope he follows suit.

My best advice for you is to take care of yourself. Eat properly, get enough sleep, exercise if you can fit it in. See some good friends. Take a long hot bath at the end of the day... Be your own best friend.  You are probably desperately tired and burnt out. Try to realize that your husband's behaviour is not personal. That doesn't make it okay- and it my not make it hurt less- but I found it really helped me to realize that my husband is depressed and that many of his hurtful comments and actions are beyond his control right now. When he is feeling better, we will address his behaviour- but he is so fragile right now that he can't take any criticism. Luckily for me, he is taking medication and just started therapy and I am starting to see some signs that he might be feeling a little better.  As long as there is change, I don't care how slow it is.

With regards to the sex- you should never force yourself to has sex with him as a result of his bullying.... But maybe if things could get on better footing, you might enjoy it again? The tough thing for men and women is that men need sex to feel intimate and women need intimacy to want sex... So usually one person compromises- the man either has to engage in foreplay or cuddling when they aren't feeling it or women have to have sex when they aren't feeling it. If both people can compromise on this so that it's not always the same person feeling like their needs re not met, then that's the best case scenario...

Have you tried talking to your husband when it's a peaceful moment and emphasize that you want to reconnect emotionally? What did you first love about him? Try to remember those points and enjoy them.  5 kids, some of whom have special needs, life is bound to be stressful, ADHD or not. Maybe if he saw how much you need emotional support (show him your vulnerability, not your anger) and miss the connection you had before kids, he would rise to the challenge.  I have ADHD and when someone doesn't like me, I feel it. When someone likes me, I feel that and I thrive trying to please that person. If I feel like I can't do anything right, I may not even try. Focus on giving him some positive feedback when he does something you liked. 

I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time of things right now. Hang in there  and do your best. Take care of yourself and your kids and try to remain calm. You can only so what you can do.

Best of luck to you and big hugs!

Ty

I very much appreciated your reply, wow. He's a toughy. If you show him the SLIGHTEST bit of gratitude, kindness...he manages to take it an run with it. He doesnt reciprocate. I try every day to start over like its a new day, and treat him as if nothing negative ever happened. And EVERY day he manages to be nasty. I can ignore it and not argue about it, but wanting to hug u and make love to u...not so much. Believe it or not the kids dont stress me ever. Not sure why, just lots of patience with kids. He however, drives me NUTS! We are all so relaxed then he comes home and we try to scatter. 

I have told him exactly how i feel, but he cant seem to understand what im saying. I said, you treating me like crap is a huge turn off. You want sex...I want to want sex...and i cant do that when you refuse treatment and are doing things to hurt me. All i get is," well i didnt get married to not have sex." Like it goes right over his head, no matter how many times i repeat it. I beg, i cry, i yell...nuttin. Just seems incapable of understanding much of anything? And seems genuinely confused by everyone's frustration. He looks at all of us like we're nuts! 

I get what you're saying about not taking it personally...i have an IQ of 138..smart cookie...but man when I am entrenched in a conversation with him...I forget I am talking to someone that is making zero sense. It's hard to look at someone like they are out of their minds, but with respect all at the same time. And what you say about knowing when someone doesnt like you...also hits home. He knows i dont "like him". But if stopped being awful...I enjoy him very much. Tell him that every day. He's a fun guy. But he doesnt stop being a jerk long enough to find something good. As a non ADHD spouse...I feel like after all the lies and crap...whatever i fell in love with...i'm not sure was ever real. Enter that hyperlove, hyperfocus...whatever they call it. Fake? 

We have an appointment with a new doc this week. At least he agreed to go. Then i worry, what if he gets in meds and he is still a horrible person. What if he is just a horrible person? When my son takes his Adderall, it is NIGHT and DaY! praying for that! Ty

I understand everything you

I understand everything you are struggling with. I've had the same struggle with my husband in the last few years. It's extremely exhausting.

I am so glad you have an appointment coming up. The meds made a profound difference for me- so I'm hoping it can do so for your husband. If you can just hang in there and see if that makes a difference, maybe things will be significantly better in month or two.

Good for you for taking such good care of your kids (all 5 of them!!!) and for being so patient and strong with this situation with your husband. It's very hard to remain cheerful and loving in the face of repeated abuse. But it sounds like you have the capacity to be your family's heroine at the moment. If you just do your best to stay out of conflict (which I know is hard, since he's seeking it and being so inflammatory) and remain calm in the face of his hurricane, that would be very helpful to you. I used to take the bait and get into it with my husband. Now- when he starts going off on me or being a bully, I calmly say something to indicate I will not be participating. I try to make my tone neutral, since any harshness will just kick him up further, and then  I just kind of don't respond to further comments and walk away. Sometimes he follows me yelling about how he can't believe how I am treating him and swearing about how I am a child who can't communicate properly... but sometimes he just drops it. It's better than having a big argument 100% of the time. It sucks to have to 'handle' your spouse... but it's more important that the kids don't live in such turmoil and they have at least one reasonable parent...

Treatment could really really help your husband. Not just meds- but therapy. It sounds like he had a brutal childhood (I was reading your other post). My husband also comes from a proud and stoic family, whose motto is 'suck it up, buttercup'. they don't believe in mental health medicine either and think therapy is a self-indulgent exercise for the weak and narcissistic. That's a tough hill to climb when your partner thinks all your legitimate complaints are you whining and making a big deal out of everything. but if you are getting him in the door next week, maybe he will also be open to other ideas. I will be thinking of you.

Hang in there. I admire your fortitude.