Begging for Guidance

I'm a 35 year old non ADHD wife married to my 41 year old husband, for the past 15 years. We have 5 children 2-16. The past 15 years have been a nightmare. My husband was diagnosed, but refused medication. No drug or alcohol use ever on either of our parts. No cheating in my end ever. He has never been caught.

He's a compulsive liar. Lies about everything and daily.

Says he knows he does bad things but cant stop doing them

he foreclosed on our home. I had NO idea until the sheriff served me papers. 

Refused to ever let me pay bills, would tell me he was paying them...then lied and would have frightening amounts of debt.

repossessed my car, his car... Again had no idea

he makes zero sense when he talks, contradicts himself constantly, hypocritical. 

Never keeps his promises

extremely selfish

Demands sex like he becomes obsessed with it. 

Verbally and mentally abusive. 

Steals money out of my purse.

I woke up the day after christmas to find out he had taken all the gifts my family got me, back to the store and returned them and took the money.

told my 16 year old that he was putting my sons paychecks in the savings account for a car, but stole all the money and never paid him back.

Will harp on the same three things and repeat them over and over and over

only focuses on the negative, never says good job to the kids. Ever. 

Cannot focus when i talk so he then accuses me of not telling him things or saying, "You never told me that".

has to constantly have some kind of drama. Like he cant just relax, always something.

washes his hands, checks locks, obsesses over the same things over and over, cant sit still.

Works for a month then plans his escape route to quit working. As if it takes every ounce of his being to maintain at work.

He ruins just about every evening with his irrational nonsense, trashes every holiday with arguing, it's hell.

i CANNOT afford to leave or I would, in a heart beat. He has demolished my credit. My little boy has Autism and ADHD, 11year old has severe ADHD, and i have a toddler. I cannot do anything until she goes to kindergarten. I have no family NONE! i have to find a way to survive with him and still give my kids a good living environment. 

Right now i am trying to get him into see a psychiatrist, earliest appointment is a month away. He promises to get help, then kisses butt for a few weeks, then right back to hell. Then work schedule wont allow for appointments. My question is...I can handle no love or connection. I feel like he is another child. Not sexually attracted to someone so hurtful and mean, to someone I have to mother. But if he doesnt get sex, he is a horrible bully. I feel like a prostitute. He wants sex, and I want a loving husband. I'm not witholding sex to punish him, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I need some guidance here. I just need to make this the best i can and for the most part can put my feelings aside. But i cant seem to "fake" it enough to want to go to bed with him. I either need to look at all this in another way or I dont know. I do have sex with every two weeks but its hell. 

I have let this cycle to continue and i have no good explanation for it other than, i kept hoping he would "get it", stop, or maybe I just keep thinking he does it on purpose or can control it. I have been stuck in this mess for so long...i myself am totally confused from being so entrenched in it. I welcome and appreciate any productive thoughts, experience, advice. Ty ❤️