The beginning of the end

So I have made the first step in ending my marriage to my ADD husband.  NSDH has gotten more and more controlling over the past 3 weeks - he has locked down all of our liquid assets to which he now has full access to and I none, he decides what is spent and on what and when, he is still having outbursts with me and the kids and if I go out with friends I have to answer his questions: who will be there, where are you meeting at, why are you meeting those people, when will you be back, ect. like his is my parent and I have to answer to him.

So after a long weekend away with my kids, upon return I realized that I was again back at not sleeping soundly at night, unable to eat due to nerves, walking on eggshells to not upset NSDH and have decided that this is NOT A LIFE for me or my kids.  I have no idea what is wrong with NSDH - there is more than just ADD that is plaguing him.  His alcohol abuse doesn't help the matter and adding on the emotional abuse and controlling nature that his is exhibiting is a 180 turn from the man I fell in love with and married 25 years ago. 

So the dream is dying and I can not resuscitate  this marriage any longer.  I am placing my kids into counseling to help them adjust to the upcoming changes and for them to feel that they have a safe place to process their thoughts and speak about anything that is bothering them.  I am interviewing attorney's.  I am scared to the core, of how my life will change, of not having financial security, of what my NSDH will do next (he's very unpredictable) but most of all how this all will affect my kids.

I wish things could have been different - I wish he had continued with therapy and medication, to have more testing done to find out what is happening in his mind - I wish so many things could have been different.   But the reality is that is not what has happened. So I must move forward with my kids to a better life.

Thanks to everyone on this website and Melissa and George for creating and supporting it.  It has been a lifeline of sanity for so many as well as chock full of resources, insight and friendships!  Best wishes to everyone in their journey with their ADD partner/spouse.

I am so sad for you to read

I am so sad for you to read this. It really does sound like he will just need to hit bottom and I think you're wise for getting out before that happens. My husband's drinking had a devastating affect on our marriage. It made him mean, unreasonable, unpredictable, and unreachable. I would bet that since you've left him 'alone' for a few weeks now, and you said his drinking has increased, that you are probably fighting a losing battle until he quits drinking.

You will be fine. Your kids will be fine. Sometimes, sadly, divorce is the lesser of two evils...and everyone is just better off. I will pray for you for strength and courage to face the next few weeks/months. I also will pray that something opens your husband's eyes...quick. He probably is plagued by more than just ADHD right now, but that does not mean that this has to continue to be your problem...and your children certainly need some peace. (((HUGS))) Please keep in touch, let us know how you are...and continue to post if/when you have time. Prayers going up for you and your family.

Sherri

Lonely...

I'm so sorry. One person can't hold a marriage together if the other one isn't trying. You can only move on to protect yourself and your children and leave him to hit bottom. I agree that his drinking changes everything. I hope you find a good attorney and get the financial situation nailed down before all the assets 'disappear'...once he realizes you are serious, I'd bet that the behavior gets worse. Have a plan to get out in a hurry if you need to.

I am sad to hear about your

I am sad to hear about your situation.  I do agree with Sherri and Lynn.  Take care of yourself and the kids.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks

Ladies, thanks for your posts. I will check back here as much as I can. But I wish I could stay in touch on a more personal basis - does anyone know if we are able to get facebook friends or email addresses?  I'd love to keep in touch and up to date on what is happening with each of you -  I feel as though we are friends, even though we haven't met!

personal contact form

Others who are registered users can send you personal "mail" via your contact form.  To do that, you have to enable the contact form on your end ( goto /user (the "my account" link at the very top of the home page), then "edit", down to "contact settings", check "personal contact form"). Other register and logged in users can then click on your name (above your comment) or find you in "user search", then click the "contact" tab, and enter a message on your contact form.  This will be emailed to you.

You can contact them if they have their "contact form" box checked, or they can contact you once you enable your contact form.  We make it this "complicated" because we carefully guard our members' privacy.  However, you are free to send any personal information you wish in the contact form.

sullygrl's picture

so sorry to hear

But it sounds like you are doing what is best for you AND your children.  Your NSDH will have to learn to do for himself.  Whether he gets counseling or medication or stops alcohol abuse cannot be your concern.  You will learn to sleep and eat and take care of yourself as well as the kids, and you will find a way to support yourself financially. You WILL do all this and I know the way may be rocky, but you will come out on the other side a happier, healthier person. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through all this, but it sounds like you have the strength to get through it. Use counseling yourself if you need it. Rely on your friends and family, if they are local, when you need to. Make yourself hot baths and cups of tea and other healthy, soothing things to get you through the rough points.

I wish you all the best with this part of your life. I have been divorced once before myself, so I can tell you with absolute certainty, you WILL get through this and find a life you so obviously deserve. HUGS! and all the best!