Tonight, I had a mild anxiety attack about having a second child. (TTC)
I love kids. It just that two years ago today I was being cut open in an emergency C section after a difficult and traumatic preterm labor, pre-ceeded by a bout of preeclampsia.
The anniversary of my grandfather's death was this week. (The grief of which sent me into my first ever major depressive episode).
I was in a minor car accident tonight.
So some big triggers, right? At least in combination.
Tried to talk my ADHD spouse about it.
First he complained that I was bothering him. He was tired.
Then he started arguing with me about things that were bothering me.
I got upset because he missed the point--I need emotional support, not a f****** debate. So I went to the sofa and turned out the lights and started crying because I feel so utterly alone.
So, he comes out to supposedly apologize.
Then he told me that I was approaching it all wrong. I shouldn't say what was bothering me. I should just ask to be held, or something. (I am forever being told about how "wrong" I am in the way I say things).
Then he told me that while he understood why I would feel down around the anniversary of my father's death, he shared that he didn't think having any feelings about my grandfather's death had any merit or validity. At least not enough to warrant his attention or concern.
I told him to F*** off. Then he stormed away. Comes back a minute later and says, "That was very horrible of me to say."
But at this point...I'm done. So I said something equally horrible back.
I am so sick of always being let down whenever I need emotional support.
This is the same person who two years ago decided that he would turn into a total jerk after my C section. Anytime I needed help, he would roll his eyes and act annoyed at my request.
Why? He was resentful of some long past arguments we'd had months before.
Basically, it is all about him.
You know how feeling sad about a grandfather whose been dead for a number of years has no point to my spouse?
Every fall, my DH goes through this huge sad episode where he feels bad about how he screwed up college because of his ADHD. I am reminded of how hard that time of year is for him, how fall is a big trigger....etc. etc. etc. He has anxiety attacks and bad dreams...
In other words, I am supposed to be understanding, compassionate, and lovingly supportive when he is dealing with emotional triggers that might bring about anxiety attacks.
I can totally understand why that would be a trigger.
But he doesn't seem to see why I might need emotional support. Or he doesn't think I am worthy of it.
I just feel so let down and alone all the time. If we weren't married with a baby, I probably would leave him. I mean....what the hell am I getting out of this?
If this is just a symptom of ADHD...can it be treated? Or is this just the sign of a jerk?