big big vent + acceptance vs resignation (again)

Let me just say I am a small petty person.  I know this.  Twenty one years of marriage to an ADHD DH really does a number on your sanity, as so many of us know.  So these are the things on my mind that make me want to blow a gasket.  First--on July 4, our 17 YO son traded his late shift lifeguarding at the beach for an earlier shift so he could hang out with us and his girlfriend for the fireworks--totally fine.  But...he offered to pay whoever took his shift $60 extra since it was a holiday (that's more than the shift itself pays, but what do I know...).  DH gave him the $60 without making a plan for DS to pay it back.  This makes me just livid.  What is that teaching that kid???  Why should someone else finance his work decision??  I don't mind that he wanted to switch shifts, I mind that he paid someone that much extra to do it.  When I asked DS about it he told me if dad doesn't care why do you?  like he just got away with someone.  When I asked DH about it he "hadn't had a chance to talk to him about it yet".  Um...that is total BS--we are all home every night together.  Finally last week DH had DS go get the money, but it was only because I was really adamant that he make DS pay it.  And so of course I am the bad guy who made DS be responsible and DH is the cool dad who financed his fun 4th of July.  Second thing--last week we discussed a bill that was due this week.  I said I would pay it Friday (today) when DH got paid.  And yet...DH went ahead and paid it on Wednesday without telling me which overdrew our account (it was a fairly sizable bill...that I was going to pay in full today).  Why he couldn't have waited until Friday like we discussed is a mystery to me and now we have the $34 overdrawn fee.  There was no late fee on the bill.  Third thing--we are vegetarians (all of us) and yet I found receipts on DHs desk for Chinese food with chicken and beef.  And it was not an order for more than one person--the amount was for a single person.  It's not that I necessarily care, but it's yet another secretive thing.  I was cleaning up crumpled papers and napkins from his desk which is in our master bedroom, so not snooping.  I hate the sense of never knowing all the things that are going on around me.  There is this whole other world that he lives in that I never know about.  Fourth thing--DS was making his Facebook settings private and because I am not on Facebook, we have required his aunt to friend him so she can keep track of him.  I reminded him of that and he tells me DH has a Facebook page.  News to me.  He had one years ago and told me he took it down, but apparently not.  He told me he has not been on it in forever, which is probably true, but again I feel like an idiot for not knowing stuff that goes on around me.

Now, again--I realize reading over this that I sound like a small petty controlling person.  The biggest battle in my head right now is that acceptance vs resignation.  I read all the different stories here and I wonder how little some of us can get by on--how little attention, how little physical contact, how little interest, how little affection.  In my experience, pretty little, but what a drag that is.  I feel like I am withering up.  Also the motivation piece--the idea that any and all motivation has to come ONLY from inside of myself, that there is no notice or support from DH.  That is tough.  Others on this forum have called me out on that, saying I should take care of myself for myself, improve myself for me, not DH which is 100% true.  Wouldn't it be nice/easier/more friendly if your person helped/cheered you on/noticed even??  It is hard to keep two teenage boys on the straight and narrow AND myself.  Maybe others are better at it than me, but I am terrible at making time for myself.

So that is my big rant.  Don't necessarily know what I expect back, just had to get some stuff off my chest.  Marriage counseling (what a joke) tomorrow.  I am unlikely to even mention those 4 things because why?  DH is likely to react one of two ways--defensive because "nobody's perfect" OR "I can't change it now anyway so what would you like me to do".  So really what's the point?  Is that acceptance or resignation?