The Big Conversation

End of week two, and I did something I couldn't imagine doing even a week ago.  I broached the subject of ADD with my husband.  I didn't really plan it, but suddenly the moment was upon me and I jumped in.  We were in the car, him driving, and I know, because he has told me, that that is the easiest place for him to talk about "serious" things.  I think by serious he means important.  I made a note of the time, so I wouldn't stress him out by going on "too long".  I began by asking him some questions, which just sort of came to me from my reading about ADD, and my years of observation about how he seems to experience life.  Do you feel like it's only a matter of time before people figure out you're a fake?  Do you think all your achievements are mostly due to luck?  Do you feel like there are a million important things you've forgotten to do, and you're waiting for the S#*t to hit the fan?  Do you always feel behind, or like there's a catastrophe just around the corner?  He looked at me like Duh! and said, yeah, like doesn't everyone?  I said no, many people don't feel those things most of the time, and I didn't, either.  I asked if he thought it was just difference in style, or was it striking to him that he preferred to have two computers, a television and music playing while he "worked" then take a "break" to play video games while leaving all that other stuff going, too?  He said, sort of smiling, I suppose you're going to tell me that's not normal.....  I said I know you think it's a "guy" versus "girl" thing, but that I believed other couples could make plans, share dreams and disappointments for more than five minutes at a time, and without one of them flipping blindly through a magazine, or turning on the television, or leaving the room.   He said I suppose you have a way to fix it?   Gulp here we go.  Well, I stumbled on a book, with no idea that this was something to even consider, and I think you may have ADD.  We're at the seven minute mark now.  Hurry it up.  It's caused by a brain needing more stimulation than usual to stay focused on something, and when the brain doesn't get it, just keeps looking for more.  I told him there might be ways he could not feel out of control, lost, like a fake or a lucky loser.  Totally just my take on the process, but he only cocked his head and said I suppose there's a pill for that.  I said people use counseling, medication or both to help.  He said I'm not taking medication.  Pulled into a gas station and got out.  Eight minutes. 

We're done with the subject for now, but at least the seed has been planted.  And 24 hours later he related a comment his boss made about his organization skills, and he was bothered a lot by it.  Hope dots are connecting.  A week with a lot of ups and downs.  Why do I have to keep learning the same things over and over?  How can I have good boundaries, self-esteem, and objectivity one moment, and be crushed and discouraged in the next?  I'd really rather not keep zooming from patience to frustration, from cool observation to mind-tripping, from loving understanding to numbing loneliness -- at least not so many times in a day!  I suppose I should sleep.