I used to have a beloved, big smooth collie. He would tramp mud and shake himself and cause dirt and dishevelment. He would NEED to run hard outside every day a couple times a day. He would chase animals, He ate a lot of food. I loved that dog. We took good care of each other.
Now I have a chihuahua. He is sweet and "holds it" when he has to "go out" until he sees that I am available to take him out. He is quiet, cuddly, never nips. When he runs inside the house it is like little powderpuff prances. I love this dog. We take good care of each other.
The big dog could not be ignored. He would, with his strength, PULL me out of slumber to take him out. He would slosh the water pan or push it to the end of the wall making noises so that I would pay attention to him. He always got the treat, water, walk, strokes when he asked, no demanded, because he could not be ignored. I had to clean up after him. I tend to take the small dog's good manners and quiet, non-neediness for granted. Sometimes I think to myself that I am not as attentive to little dog because I don't have to be. He acts more like a partner than a dog with needs. There are no messy consequences for me if I don't take him out on time. He seems to understand that he is being taken care of and he is doing his part in the partnership.
Is this what it is with people too? I think maybe it is for some.
If I would make more noise, cause more drama, push and pull and manipulate and fight (like a Bridezilla)...... my needs would be better taken care of by H. I think it is assumed that I will take care of my self. it is assumed that if I am not making noise or drama, that things are OK. My words mean nothing to him. Our promises at our marriage ceremony were thought of differently by each of us. I joined a team. H declared war. (Like the war of the large family he came from.....fighting for attention and shares of "not enough to go around".
I came trained by my upbringing. I do not make drama, noise, mess, be rude or messes. I came trained and I was sensitive to my environment. H was not trained the same way as a young boy. It was a permissive, impulsive family.
Some of my complaints are not from the ADD alone. It is also that we have different ideas of what is an appropriate way of conducting ourselves and speaking and what it means to be part of a family. My family was very much into "everyone gets equal", "mind your manners ...table, speaking, chivalry, etc." H's family was loud and yelling and name calling and spatting. Many times this were done in fun but many times the stronger, older siblings took control and there was a constant vying for "king on the hill." Getting in a pre-emptive punch was a mode of defense. Partnering or vulnerability was thought of as "weak"....gotcha, he,he,he. Sex with H never felt cuddly. Sex felt like a game of king on the hill. Although I think he thought he was quite the stud.....I let him think that. But it was not good for me....the little dog.