Biggest 2 day fight over nothing!!!

Ok. So, I'm going to describe to you a fight that took place between my partner (ADD) and I yesterday that has been non-stop until I had a melt down later this afternoon-- which involved me feeling like ripping my hair out and jumping off our balcony-- but anyway.

It all began almost a year ago... (not kidding) just as the hyperfocus was wearing off and an old but very good friend of my ADD partner was coming to town. ADD partner had arranged to meet him for lunch, a plan that completely left me out (which originally made me feel sad because in the beginning of our relationship he would write this guy to tell him how much he loved me, wanted to marry me and couldn't wait for us to meet--and when it actually came time to meet him 1.5 yrs into the relationship, I was bumped out of the plan?!?!) :/ So, needless to say I remember the day very well... :/ 

Flash forward to yesterday.

We run into one of my partners acquaintances from high school. He states to this *stranger* that yes he has seen 'so-and-so' (old, very good friend); went out for lunch with him and two of his friends, a few months back. The acquaintance then asked, "oh, who? Bob and Hailey?" and my partner replied, "no, um, not sure who the other person was... but yes, Bob".

As we walked away I felt confused because back when he went out with his good friend he came home and told me he had hung out with just the good old friend... not, a few people.

NOT A BIG DEAL but I just felt very confused as to why he would have left the other people out of the story months ago...

He clarified, in that moment, by stumbling on his words saying that, it wasn't Bob and someone else, it was *just* Bob and he doesn't even know if the guys name was Bob, etc, etc... So, again I asked to clarify because he had said it was just him and his good friend months ago-- I remember because I was left out! But while speaking to the acquaintance it was four people... then later speaking to me it was only three.... all the while I thought it was just the two of them that had gone out that day (without me!).

I was confused and only trying to clarify the story that had changed about 4 times! I had a puzzled look on my face and started to wonder why he didn't tell me in the first place, the details of that outing months ago...

That's when he explained he got flustered running into this acquaintance and miss spoke by saying it was him, good friend and two others.... that it was actually just him, good friend and ONE other. And that way back, he didn't mention it because it wasn't important enough to share. Then he said "satisfied?" and I said "yeah, still weird, but yeah".

---------------This is where I would have loved for it to stop--------------------------------------------------

BUT......

When we got to the car he started yelling at me, getting overly defensive because I said "still weird, but yeah". He said I was accusing him of lying and that I'm jealous and that he's sick of constantly being interrogated!!! (huh?)

I told him calmly that he did not have to yell at me, that I didn't think he was lying, that I'm not jealous and that I'm not trying to interrogate--- I'm just clarifying a confusing story that changed 4 times---that was all. AND, that I was over it, so please stop yelling.

He continued for at least 15 mins-- trying to get me to "take the bait"... I kept calmly asking him to stop yelling at me I was sitting right next to him. That I was only trying to clarify and asked him if hes ever before said to someone, "oh, you never told me you ran into so and so... why didn't you let me know?". That if it was anyone else it would have been a two sec conversation and it would be over with. But not between me and my lover! Nooooo, it had to turn into a two day back and forth trying to explain feelings and underlying feelings and why people feel the way they do... etc, etc. Very tiring, as you can probably imagine. I wish I would have kept the confusion to myself. And had I known it would have turned out this way, I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!! :((

I finally did snap after 15 mins of being yelled at for nothing-- I defended myself. That's when he concluded, "See, this is why I don't tell you anything because you just turn around and get mad at me!" (seriously?!?!?!?) So, this morning he was acting like nothing had happened and I was giving him silent treatment until another blow out late this afternoon.

So, how could I go about this differently? I try to simply clarify something and my partner goes ballistic and defensive because I'm "attacking" him. How am I suppose to fix that? Or live with it????  

Is this craziness, or a symptom of ADD????

ebb and flow re: snapping again?

Hold up!  Girl, your "positivity party" lasted about two hours ?!?  LOL!

Now excuse me; I have to go lay down and elevate my legs above my heart after reading this....

ebb and flow's picture

rev

LMAO!

I know, I know... :/

I'm on the floor now, too.

FML... I don't know what to do. He actually even said that I did everything right! It was he who was in the wrong, getting defensive for no real reason. He was perceiving a fight before one was even occurring and became defensive based on his pre-perception of a fight?!?!?! 

Craziness. Man, if there's ever a time I feel defeated and like giving up, its now.

LOL

Zen, Positivity, Zen, Positivity, Zen, Positivity... repeat. (new mantra=not working)

poop.

Damn... Been there, done

Damn...

Been there, done that...and believe this situation is either one of two things...true confusion on their part or FLAT OUT LIES. The defensiveness always screamed "LYING" to me...and I was usually right. Now the lie could be something big or something insignificant...but a lie none-the-less. BS that he cannot remember, or was 'confused' and thus the change of story 4 times. You are perfectly reasonable to say 'this isn't adding up'. It was a huge HUGE issue for me to so long..all of the inconsistencies and the lies and the defensive reaction when I dared ask for clarification. It finally got to where I only asked because I wanted to gauge his guilt on his reaction..and not so much what he would say.

I mean if you're wrong, if you're misunderstanding his change of story, then please..by all means, clarify a$$hole, ya know? Otherwise, act like a jerk and look guilty as sin. Geez.

I do think it is ADD related because getting caught in a lie is something my husband would probably literally rather die to admit to. Lies, even stupid ones, are a deal breaker for me...I pray that by the time we are done with counseling, this will be resolved. God, I have a lot of faith in our counseling, no? LOL

I was in a similar situation recently..when he was on Concerta...where we were in the car and he was being ugly. I said nothing. It was the only way not to fall into the black hole..no matter what he said, I just finally stopped talking when it turned ugly. Not worth it. I was hurt and we didn't speak the rest of the day, but it was better than fighting.

Acting as if nothing happened is another commonality for you and I in this situation...it was his favorite "way" to make up. Pretend it never happened. Avoided apologizing (or tried) a million times this way. I would not speak to him until he did. Eventually he got just as good as me at the cold shoulder routine so we'd go days without speaking...and he eventually stopped apologizing too.

In my opinion, you had every right to ask for clarity. Your gut was telling you something was wrong and being lied to, on any level, about anything, makes you feel like you're dealing with a 9 year old...and it whittles away at any respect that might be left. Also, I found it very insulting that he would try and make me feel like I was stupid for being 'confused' over his web of BS, and it was also hurtful that it ALWAYS got turned around and blamed on me, somehow. Always. I now don't tell him "OK, I believe you" I just tell him "If you lie to me and get caught you know that is a deal breaker..you promised no more lies" so I hope that he believes it, and it will motivate him to beat the demon in him that makes him do it.

I do think it is ADD/ADHD related and something that can be helped with counseling. ((HUGS))

ebb and flow's picture

SherriW13

The thing is I honestly believe he didn't tell me he went out with more people because it wasn't very relevant to him... He only shared the part that was relevant, which was spending time with his very good friend. Fine.

Then, I understand why while speaking to this guy, he miss spoke and said he was with good friend plus 2 others instead of 1 other. I get flustered sometimes too, especially in socially awkward situations like this one was... It kinda caught him off guard and he is socially funny sometimes. Great.

I explained to him that I was just clarifying and that I still don't believe there is anything wrong with clarifying. I remain firm on that point. I also explained that one of my deeper feelings here is that it hurts when he doesn't think to share those "insignificant details" with me, and that he doesn't do that REGULARLY. I hate that. It makes me feel like I know nothing about his life!!! I'm not included or involved in his world. He said it's just how his brain works and pretty much too bad for me for feeling that way. Awesome. :/ **defeated**

I don't think he was up to no good that day. I really believe he wouldn't be able to hold that kind of info from me--- he gets too guilty and flustered to keep mega secrets-- his conscience is in over-drive, thank goodness for that at least!!!

I wasn't interrogating him or trying to trip him up in his lies, as he was accusing me. And I feel pretty darn insulted he was accusing me of all of that. And then I was pretty freakin pissed that he would later say..."see, now you're upset... this is why I don't tell you things!" Riiiiiight. Eff you buddy! That is not why you NEVER TELL ME THINGS! You're friggen brain working on a different plane is why you don't share your life with me... STOP BLAMING ME! grrr.

Anyhoo...

ZEN, POSITIVITY, ZEN, POSITIVITY, ZEN, POSITIVITY..... BREATHE, BREATHE. SMILE, SMILE.

Ahhhh... better.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Biggest 2 day fight

I couldn't say if this is a symptom of ADD, but I know I experience the same sort of thing.

"See, this is why I don't tell you anything because you just turn around and get mad at me!"

I have heard this, and many variations of the same thing. 

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."

"I didn't say anything because you'd just get upset."

"Why do I bother telling you stuff?  You just get mad."

My husband thinks it is his responsibility to be in control of my emotions. He also gets mad if I am upset - even if it has nothing to do with him.  I try my darndest to be clear.  If something is upsetting me that has nothing to do with anyone in our house, I warn them I am in a bad mood, ask them to just steer clear and leave me alone for a while.  But he will not honor my request.  He wants to 'fix' my mood.  And then gets mad at me because I am not receptive of his attempts.

I also understand the "take the bait" problem.  It takes so much emotional effort to not play along with my husband's game.  It is exhausting to stay calm on the outside, when I am soooooooooooooo boiling over inside.

100% the same here...only if

100% the same here...only if I am upset about some outside source, he still takes it personally. I can tell him why I'm upset, to assure him it isn't him, but it doesn't matter..if I am not happy and cheerful then he takes it personally and gets mad/quiet/defensive. Not always...but it does happen often. Admittedly...I don't take his bad moods very well either. I am working on it.

ebb and flow's picture

a little update

I just wanted to share that last night after all the fighting and miss communicating and not understanding one another (and a little 'floor lying' ;).... something I believe was special happened.

Our conversation ended with him leaving the room because I was at my usual breaking point and suggesting that I'm tired of it all so we might as well give up. He just got up and walked out of the room...

I couldn't fall asleep after that.

I went downstairs, where he was watching t.v and stood there till he noticed me. (took a few moments)

He asked me what was up... I started to cry and said nothing.

He tilted his head compassionately and waved me over to him to come lay down... I went over and laid with him.

He held me soo tightly, stroked my hair, whispered 'shhh' in my ear, told me 'it's ok', kissed my head gently, etc...---- In other words, he SHOWED me love that I actually FELT and translated as LOVE.

I'm dying for this type of love daily. And somehow, last night, with no words we accomplished what I've been dying for months for.

I told him I missed *him* and that I wish we could just be peaceful, happy and loving towards one another. That the way things are going is exactly the opposite of where I want to be with him. He agreed.

He said he wished I would just laugh at his mistakes and stop getting so mad for his "failures". To lighten up on him and just enjoy him for who he is... Makes me die inside to hear that... What kind of a monster have I turned into as a result of these ADD symptoms?!?!?! Why do I let them define me as a person???

I made a silent promise in my heart to try and do that for him because I love him and I don't want this to fail anymore than it already has.

I want to try at every moment to be more loving towards him, compliment him on his "accomplishments" and keep this positivity going. I know it's going to be hard... and I'm sure probably even this afternoon, I will fail. But if I'm going to stay in this, then I'm going to do it right! As me. Not as some monster that I've turned into, dammit.

It was a beautiful moment. And for the most part lately moments like these are rare and fleeting. But I want to capture this one and save it in my mind and heart as a moment that defines 'us'. That is the real us. Not the monsters we've become due to the crappy disorder.

I'm keeping that moment safe in my heart where no one will EVER be able to take it away or ruin it!

Just thought I'd share....

<3

Ps- Rev, if you're reading this, I'm really trying here! ;) lol

I literally cried for you

I literally cried for you reading this...

Rememer not too long ago when I was telling you how hard it is, but you MUST see progress as progress in order to move forward? (NOT meaning to sound like "I told you so" I swear) This is one of those times when there is some clarity as to what we really did become...mean, angry, and incapable of appreciating any effort at all. You're human...forgive yourself...and move forward. Your inability to see past the hurt isn't all your fault...he is just as responsible for it as you.

I swear you'll still fight, you'll struggle, and you'll have breakthroughs like these that will get you back on track and help you focus. I have a friend that would put on her big boots and (figuratively) kick me in the a$$ when I would miss a chance to appreciate his progress...and I hope to pay that forward by helping someone else find happiness and peace again.

What you did last night was make yourself vulnerable to him...put it all out there...without saying a word. It isn't easy, it isn't pretty sometimes, and it doesn't always get that wonderful of a reception...but you keep trying...and God willing he'll appreciate YOUR efforts and things will snowball, in a good way. <3

Make it your goal to spend time together without fighting...even if it requires no talking..watching a movie or something.

Are you guys still in counseling? I think it was you who said the medication makes him worse...right? I think it might be worth it to try something else. My husband was a jerk on the Concerta...it was heartbreaking. Now on Vyvanse and quite the opposite. Very loving and the explosive temperment is gone.

((HUGS))

ebb and flow re: your crystalline moment

Beautiful that he was able to give, and that you were able to accept.   I enjoyed reading this post.

My husband and I had a "crystalline" moment last night (after the nitroglycerin took effect LOL); I got into bed after he had already gone to sleep, but I was tossing and turning- worried about my doctor appointment this AM.  My husband woke up and asked me what was wrong (???).  I told him I why I was worried, and he curled around me and laid his large hand gently over my heart and said, "Go to sleep. I won't let anything happen to you."  And I felt... protected. 

That's so great

for both of you.  I live for those moments.  If anything, this relationship has taught me not to hide me feelings and try to be "strong", but to show him how I feel and be vulnerable.  Usually the effect of that is him stepping up and coming through.  It's when I'm angry, bossy (usually out of fear of things spinning out of control) or annoyed that he pushes back (feels criticized, like he's no good etc) and we end up in a bad spiral.  It can be really hard to stop that once it gets started, since we then both get closed up and defensive.  I hope things continue in a more positive direction for all of us.

ebb and flow's picture

Talsa

Yes!
Exactly!!! This is the game I do not want to play anymore. He is not a hard person to be silently vulnerable to. When words come in, yes, he gets defensive but when it's just positive body language he seems to be all over it. 

He's very much open to care for me when I'm sad. His big heart shines during those moments. But its true, I have to lose the shield and show him those true, raw feelings in order for his heart and true feelings to surface.

I can do this. I know I can...

And Sherry, you were right. Your advice and how you act with your man is how I want to be. You're a no more BS kinda gal and I love it!

I think we're on to something...

He just woke up from his night shift and we're all loves and hugs this morning. I'm liken it very mucho! :))

Our next therapy session is Dec 21. We made a decision to talk emotions and communication... tackle some of our core problems and see how it goes.

Hopeful.