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Instead of him giving you the money the day before the first of the month, can you tell him that you expect him to give you "rent money" immediately when he gets paid?
At this point, let him get the money from his mom. And work on a way out.
I love him so much. I keep half-heartedly trying to work on a way out. I keep making threats to leave...I started doing divorce papers online, got my own bank account, got infatuated with a cute man - but none of that does any good, he's not going to be there for me. I told him I was lonely and he fussed at me - asking "What do you want me to do about it." Painful.
I want to laugh and be happy again - I feel so angry and disappointed all the time.
He is a student, and he brings in about $200 every two weeks. I make about four or five times that.
He does not seek out extra money - and when it does - it's usually a hair-brained scheme - trying to "cheat the system" - by changing his hours or something shady. Then there is his mother...
Last month I made a list for him - and he promised to pay the electrical bill and the phone bill.
Yes. Yes. I will pay it. (His words)
Days past and I asked him - did you pay this? He was always "getting around to it.". So I became the nagging: When will you pay this? When will you pay this? When will you pay this?
The funny thing is when we first started dating - his parents would do similar things - reminding him month after month to change his insurance over to his name. I really thought they were so annoying - but now I realize it's just the way he hears things.
Instead of asking him to pay a bill, as soon as he gets paid, ask (demand) that he give you the money for it. Does his check get deposited? If so, get a debit card to the acct and withdraw the agreed-upon amount as soon as it hits the bank
Some scattered bits of advice from an ADHD husband over here; one for whom finances are the one part of my life that's pretty firmly in control....
My wife and I have weekly budget check-ins with a spreadsheet and list that we created together. Are the utility bills coming in higher than usual - have we spent most of our grocery money by the 20th - can we afford that extra clothing purchase? ... things like that. For me to put together this weekly "homework" is a logical, numbers-heavy kind of task that seems to appeal to my ADHD kind of brain. If your H is computer-literate and maybe the kind of guy who can do a repetitive task, keeping some kind of track of money might help him focus harder on cash flow and anticipating the rent.
overwhelmedwife also has a great idea about lopping off rent money from each paycheck. Maybe use that separate checking account. He gets paid and transfers his chunk of rent money over. Better still, if he gets paid by direct deposit, tweak it so that X dollars goes into into the rent account and the remainder into the regular checking. If the X dollars never passes through his hands to begin with.... that certainly drives the point home.
When I was 23, I "hit bottom" by racking up a huge credit card debt and then spent 5 years paying off my parents for bailing me out. Wife helped pay them too, which was a massive humiliation for her. Maybe your H needs to see and reflect on what kind of "hitting bottom" may happen, and from that he can find some motivation?
If it comes down to the head-slappingly dumb stuff, like walking right past the rental office every day without remembering to put the check in the mail slot, he needs to be the one to come up with a way to remind himself. For my wife to tell me, "I want to see you make yourself a note and tape it up right there".... as soon as I do this rote task, there's a good chance it'll be gone from my mind. Make him mull over ways to fix his own forgetfulness.
Of course, overwhelmedwife takes a tougher stance, which I can see, too.... money matter aren't just about money. If he has spending problems, parties too much, buys things to cover up his depression or anxiety, or lords if over you that his mother will always bail him out... more deep and troubling issues are on the table, including the possibility of getting out...
Money and ADHD ...ugh. Unless the ADHD person has a stingy streak, money burns a hole in their pocket. As soon as they have some money, they're on their way to spend it.
There are ADHD people that are just so bad with money, or "live in the moment," that facing any kind of accountability is horrible. I have an employee who is horrible with money. She periodically comes to me for "cash advances". At first, I would help her. But, it quickly became obvious that doing so was just enabling bad behavior. She was still buying cigarettes and beer on a near-daily basis, but then come to me and say that she couldn't pay her cable bill. When I had her add up how much she was spending each month on beer and cigarettes, it was very uncomfortable for her. If I weren't her boss, she probably would have gotten mad at me. But, she had to sit there and listen to the facts. Each month, she was easily burning thru and drinking more than the cost of her cable bill. And, each month, she'd run out of money, and her cell phone bill would get cut off (she had a contract phone). Yet, every time she'd get paid, she'd mention some luxury purchase - concert tickets, purse, shoes, or some other unnecessary item. And, worse, she'd buy Visa Cards and put money on them and send them to her extremely flaky grown adult male children who rarely worked.
Sometimes when she'd be buying a concert tickets, she'd ask me, "Are you going to go?" I'd say, "no, I can't afford concert tickets. I have bills to pay." Of course I can, but I want to send a message to her that bills come before those kinds of purchases.
My own H hates to have his spending habits looked at. He grew up in a household where his father earned a good living, but his mom spent like a drunken sailor. They never had any savings. They lived paycheck to paycheck. There was never any sort of analysis to determine a better way. So, H hates to have his spending scrutinized in any way. Money burns a hole in H's pocket. He'll buy crap at gas stations where the cost is 200%+ higher than at regular stores. Instead of going to the grocery store and buying a 4 pack of Red Bull (his favorite), he'll pick up 3 individual cans at a gas station each day, at $3 each....when a 4 pack from the grocer or a larger pack from a club store would be a fraction of that.
Overwhelmed Wife: I feel like I am the drunken sailor if you want know the truth!
I make a lot more than he does, so I tend to spend a bit more - I like my coffee in the mornings, I like to go out to eat sometimes, I like to have a drink every now and again - more often lately with my stress levels on the rise! I own a car, I am in grad school.
My DH - prefers to cook at home, makes coffee at home - walks to school and can go days without spending money (but then again, he only makes $100 a week!).
What happens with this dynamic is that he doesn't try any harder and I end up compensating. He's happy with doing less and hangs on to my coat-tails when he wants "more". As in - I'll buy something for the house and come home to find him sharing it with his friends. Something that I am all for - but it's starting to get to me!
I grew up in a household similar to your husbands - I am an only child with a single mom. My mother would ignore bills - a few times our electricity was turned off - money felt hard to come by and I saw my mother being really stressed out about it.
He grew up in family with 3 siblings. Both parents worked. His mother - would replace food items constantly, bills were paid on time - they own their own home. 2 cars - cars for the kids, a new television every year - that kind of family.
So there is this weird dynamic - where I feel like I have no support (I am an only child) and he is waiting for me to support him.
I feel like I've hit a wall with that dynamic though. It's time for him to grow up!
The other half struggles with being more "self-less" - like should I give up my personal pleasures and share more of my money with him? Or just cut him off and let him figure it out on his own?
In an ideal world - he would have his own money and I would have my own - and there would be balance - shared responsibility.
My DH - prefers to cook at home, makes coffee at home - walks to school and can go days without spending money (but then again, he only makes $100 a week!).
>>>
But even still, if he's earning $400 a week, and he ends up with nothing, then he is spending it on something. What is he spending money on? It sounds like the $400 a month is his "allowance" which he can blow on whatever he wants.
Does it bother him at all that he earns so little?
You are right about letting him hit bottom. I feel like I've been too kind all these years - offering to be sweet and take care of things on his behalf - but I've hit my wall. He moved in with me - from his mother's basement almost 13 years ago. I lived on my own for many years - with no parental support - maybe he needs a situation where he is responsible for his own well being.
Glad to hear it HyperBallad, and though situations are rarely this simple, this quote from Dale Carnegie is one I think of often... part of his book on worrying and anxiety. To me it says, when you aren't afraid to ruminate on what it would mean to hit bottom, you've started taking control of the situation and the only way to go from there is up.
Ask yourself, "What is the worst that can possibly happen if I can't solve my problem?"
Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst--if necessary.
Then calmly try to improve upon the worst--which you have already mentally agreed to accept.
Absolutely let him hit bottom. If you (and his mom) keep "raising his bottom," he'll never learn. If his mom wants to continue raising his bottom, let her...she'll tire of that soon enough
See and accept the reality of your 38 year old husbands way of thinking and living...
So, that when you get up in the morning you will be free! No more expectations of him caring or being capable of a performance that would get the rent and bills paid on time...Then you can make educated decision's about what you have to do make sure you never get in this situation again....
You will also be free of frustration and anger, no more sadness, no more expecting blood to flow out of the turnip....
You will be free, and as Happy as he is....It really works.
To clarify - the old man only brings in about $100 a week - which ends up being about $400 a month.
We're not really talking - I've been so upset - but I watched his spending this week (I have a shared account with him and my own account) - he was at $ 6.72 and didn't spend a dime the whole week!
I think he's a bit of a scavenger. He always shares this painful memory of being made to stay after the game to collect baseball cups with his father. (Free cups!) He's always expressed feelings of attachment to discarded items.
Several years ago I had surgery and my mother relayed to me that during my operation he ate food leftover on people's plates in the cafeteria. I asked him about it - and he called my mother a bitch for telling me. As I am writing this - I am having several memories of his "cheapskate perspective" creating confusion and tension in our relationship.
I've been focusing on myself this week - taking care of my own needs - which has been positive - I can see that without my input into the relationship there are no groceries, no money, no dates or pleasure trips. He's made no apparent efforts to bring in extra money - none of the food items have been replaced - and I think he had oatmeal for dinner - which is one of the last things in the pantry.
My understanding is that he's learned to just "go along with things" because of his controlling mother and passive father.
I can't express how broken hearted and confused I feel about this whole thing but I guess it feels nice to shine a light on it - and bring it to the open.
Let him take care of the electric bill mid winter. When the electricity is turned off, take a little vacation at a nearby hotel until he figures out how to pay the electric bill. I had to do this. He thanked me later. It is weird how my husband could not see that I was paying for heat until HE got cold enough. He got a little part time job to make a little more contribution after that. My H is also a scavenger and hoarder. He also is proud of himself for "being able to live by the skin of his teeth". Wish he would have said those words before we started a family!
To clarify - the old man only brings in about $100 a week - which ends up being about $400 a month.
We're not really talking - I've been so upset - but I watched his spending this week (I have a shared account with him and my own account) - he was at $ 6.72 and didn't spend a dime the whole week!
>>
I realize that he earns only $100 a week and that he goes entire weeks w/o spending anything. So, WHERE IS THE $400 a month going?
And, does he get paid monthly? Weekly? What? As soon as he gets paid, do you withdraw money to pay for bills? If not, why not?
The money he makes goes towards our bills. It's just not equal. That is my big complaint.
His income goes toward the phone bill, the electricity. I paid a parking ticket with his income today. I work it the best I can. There is the car payment, the car insurance - then there are groceries, toliet paper, back taxes - gas, tuition - and the list goes on.
The smaller bills aren't an issue, he's all for me using his income to pay things. I just worry about the big bill at the month! If he brought in more - we wouldn't feel stretched so thin.
We're back in couples therapy - so I have faith it will work out.
Thanks for the clarification. I understood that he wasn't earning a fair share, but I thought that he wasn't giving you anything. I can see that he falls short and most of the burden is on your shoulders.
I hope that a therapist will recognize what this is and treat it.
Its funny, but my husband would just wear more clothes and still not pay the electric bill. You know why? He deeply believes he can not (is not capable) of doing better and that is just his fate! So the pipes would freeze and burst, the kids and I would be homeless and my husband would just wait until Spring.
The tactic I use instead is described above, we agree on the amount I subtract from our joint account to my account every month and I pay the bills using his contribution. My husband is not argumentative about his contribution and accepts my recommendations based on his income (which to no-one's surprise is much lower than mine). Since creating this system I find myself more able to save and less invested in taking care of him. He is responsible for his own food, transportation - gas, insurance, and repairs, and student loans and contributes to our mortgage, childcare, and utilities. I wish he made more money, but I have accepted he is just not motivated because of his ongoing and unresolved ADD & personality symptoms.
Since putting this system in place a few months ago I am experiencing a lot of relief. I am using these next months to save, validate our new system and move towards future financial goals. This system has decreased my feelings of desperateness and increased his sense of independence (and he has picked up more hours at work since he concrete can see where his own money needs are too). I still feel disillusioned about the level of disrespect and disgust I feel towards him, not sure about where to go with repairing that area of our relationship!
I deleted my old post in anger the other night. I was so sad to see that I had written about the exact same thing I am experiencing now a few months ago.
But then it made me think long and hard about my husband - and all that he's been through - I found some old doctors notes - and I realized that I remain in denial about his limitations. I really don't want to admit that he struggles with a learning disability, executive function, ADHD...I can see that he doesn't want to either.
Today we had a long talk and I realized that if I can accept the way things are I can find a workable solution - but if I continue to deny his limitations I am left with frustration and anger.
Hard lesson. But a good one: Listen to him. Make friends with the diagnosis - learn the lesson it's trying to give you.
This was what I had to come to, myself--understanding of what is really going on with my son, taking into account his whole history--rather than judgment and frustration.
The exchanges with JJamieson are very helpful in going deeper into this.
How does he get paid?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
How does he get paid? Monthly? Weekly?
Instead of him giving you the money the day before the first of the month, can you tell him that you expect him to give you "rent money" immediately when he gets paid?
At this point, let him get the money from his mom. And work on a way out.
Thanks for the good word OW!
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Thanks for the good word OW!
I love him so much. I keep half-heartedly trying to work on a way out. I keep making threats to leave...I started doing divorce papers online, got my own bank account, got infatuated with a cute man - but none of that does any good, he's not going to be there for me. I told him I was lonely and he fussed at me - asking "What do you want me to do about it." Painful.
I want to laugh and be happy again - I feel so angry and disappointed all the time.
Is he still a student? When
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Is he still a student? When does he finish school?
Are his only earnings from work study?
Have you tried getting him to pay as soon as he gets his paycheck? Waiting until rent is due probably gives him too much time to spend.
OW:
Submitted by HyperBallad on
OW:
He is a student, and he brings in about $200 every two weeks.
I make about four or five times that.
He does not seek out extra money - and when it does - it's usually a hair-brained scheme - trying to "cheat the system" - by changing his hours or something shady. Then there is his mother...
Last month I made a list for him - and he promised to pay the electrical bill and the phone bill.
Yes. Yes. I will pay it. (His words)
Days past and I asked him - did you pay this? He was always "getting around to it.". So I became the nagging: When will you pay this? When will you pay this? When will you pay this?
The funny thing is when we first started dating - his parents would do similar things - reminding him month after month to change his insurance over to his name. I really thought they were so annoying - but now I realize it's just the way he hears things.
Instead of asking him to pay
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Instead of asking him to pay a bill, as soon as he gets paid, ask (demand) that he give you the money for it. Does his check get deposited? If so, get a debit card to the acct and withdraw the agreed-upon amount as soon as it hits the bank
Some scattered bits of advice
Submitted by JohnWilson on
Some scattered bits of advice from an ADHD husband over here; one for whom finances are the one part of my life that's pretty firmly in control....
Of course, overwhelmedwife takes a tougher stance, which I can see, too.... money matter aren't just about money. If he has spending problems, parties too much, buys things to cover up his depression or anxiety, or lords if over you that his mother will always bail him out... more deep and troubling issues are on the table, including the possibility of getting out...
Money and ADHD ...ugh
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Money and ADHD ...ugh. Unless the ADHD person has a stingy streak, money burns a hole in their pocket. As soon as they have some money, they're on their way to spend it.
There are ADHD people that are just so bad with money, or "live in the moment," that facing any kind of accountability is horrible. I have an employee who is horrible with money. She periodically comes to me for "cash advances". At first, I would help her. But, it quickly became obvious that doing so was just enabling bad behavior. She was still buying cigarettes and beer on a near-daily basis, but then come to me and say that she couldn't pay her cable bill. When I had her add up how much she was spending each month on beer and cigarettes, it was very uncomfortable for her. If I weren't her boss, she probably would have gotten mad at me. But, she had to sit there and listen to the facts. Each month, she was easily burning thru and drinking more than the cost of her cable bill. And, each month, she'd run out of money, and her cell phone bill would get cut off (she had a contract phone). Yet, every time she'd get paid, she'd mention some luxury purchase - concert tickets, purse, shoes, or some other unnecessary item. And, worse, she'd buy Visa Cards and put money on them and send them to her extremely flaky grown adult male children who rarely worked.
Sometimes when she'd be buying a concert tickets, she'd ask me, "Are you going to go?" I'd say, "no, I can't afford concert tickets. I have bills to pay." Of course I can, but I want to send a message to her that bills come before those kinds of purchases.
My own H hates to have his spending habits looked at. He grew up in a household where his father earned a good living, but his mom spent like a drunken sailor. They never had any savings. They lived paycheck to paycheck. There was never any sort of analysis to determine a better way. So, H hates to have his spending scrutinized in any way. Money burns a hole in H's pocket. He'll buy crap at gas stations where the cost is 200%+ higher than at regular stores. Instead of going to the grocery store and buying a 4 pack of Red Bull (his favorite), he'll pick up 3 individual cans at a gas station each day, at $3 each....when a 4 pack from the grocer or a larger pack from a club store would be a fraction of that.
Family Money
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Overwhelmed Wife: I feel like I am the drunken sailor if you want know the truth!
I make a lot more than he does, so I tend to spend a bit more - I like my coffee in the mornings, I like to go out to eat sometimes, I like to have a drink every now and again - more often lately with my stress levels on the rise! I own a car, I am in grad school.
My DH - prefers to cook at home, makes coffee at home - walks to school and can go days without spending money (but then again, he only makes $100 a week!).
What happens with this dynamic is that he doesn't try any harder and I end up compensating. He's happy with doing less and hangs on to my coat-tails when he wants "more". As in - I'll buy something for the house and come home to find him sharing it with his friends. Something that I am all for - but it's starting to get to me!
I grew up in a household similar to your husbands - I am an only child with a single mom. My mother would ignore bills - a few times our electricity was turned off - money felt hard to come by and I saw my mother being really stressed out about it.
He grew up in family with 3 siblings. Both parents worked. His mother - would replace food items constantly, bills were paid on time - they own their own home. 2 cars - cars for the kids, a new television every year - that kind of family.
So there is this weird dynamic - where I feel like I have no support (I am an only child) and he is waiting for me to support him.
I feel like I've hit a wall with that dynamic though. It's time for him to grow up!
The other half struggles with being more "self-less" - like should I give up my personal pleasures and share more of my money with him? Or just cut him off and let him figure it out on his own?
In an ideal world - he would have his own money and I would have my own - and there would be balance - shared responsibility.
My DH - prefers to cook at home, makes coffee at home - walks to
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<
My DH - prefers to cook at home, makes coffee at home - walks to school and can go days without spending money (but then again, he only makes $100 a week!).
>>>
But even still, if he's earning $400 a week, and he ends up with nothing, then he is spending it on something. What is he spending money on? It sounds like the $400 a month is his "allowance" which he can blow on whatever he wants.
Does it bother him at all that he earns so little?
Thanks for this JohnWilson.
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Thanks for this JohnWilson.
You are right about letting him hit bottom. I feel like I've been too kind all these years - offering to be sweet and take care of things on his behalf - but I've hit my wall. He moved in with me - from his mother's basement almost 13 years ago. I lived on my own for many years - with no parental support - maybe he needs a situation where he is responsible for his own well being.
Glad to hear it HyperBallad,
Submitted by JohnWilson on
Glad to hear it HyperBallad, and though situations are rarely this simple, this quote from Dale Carnegie is one I think of often... part of his book on worrying and anxiety. To me it says, when you aren't afraid to ruminate on what it would mean to hit bottom, you've started taking control of the situation and the only way to go from there is up.
Absolutely let him hit bottom
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Absolutely let him hit bottom. If you (and his mom) keep "raising his bottom," he'll never learn. If his mom wants to continue raising his bottom, let her...she'll tire of that soon enough
Suggestion....
Submitted by c ur self on
See and accept the reality of your 38 year old husbands way of thinking and living...
So, that when you get up in the morning you will be free! No more expectations of him caring or being capable of a performance that would get the rent and bills paid on time...Then you can make educated decision's about what you have to do make sure you never get in this situation again....
You will also be free of frustration and anger, no more sadness, no more expecting blood to flow out of the turnip....
You will be free, and as Happy as he is....It really works.
C
I like that.
Submitted by HyperBallad on
I like that.
Maybe too - I need to accept the way that I am and how this isn't working for me anymore.
Yes and Yes
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Hi Overwhelmed Wife:
To clarify - the old man only brings in about $100 a week - which ends up being about $400 a month.
We're not really talking - I've been so upset - but I watched his spending this week (I have a shared account with him and my own account) - he was at $ 6.72 and didn't spend a dime the whole week!
I think he's a bit of a scavenger. He always shares this painful memory of being made to stay after the game to collect baseball cups with his father. (Free cups!) He's always expressed feelings of attachment to discarded items.
Several years ago I had surgery and my mother relayed to me that during my operation he ate food leftover on people's plates in the cafeteria. I asked him about it - and he called my mother a bitch for telling me. As I am writing this - I am having several memories of his "cheapskate perspective" creating confusion and tension in our relationship.
I've been focusing on myself this week - taking care of my own needs - which has been positive - I can see that without my input into the relationship there are no groceries, no money, no dates or pleasure trips. He's made no apparent efforts to bring in extra money - none of the food items have been replaced - and I think he had oatmeal for dinner - which is one of the last things in the pantry.
My understanding is that he's learned to just "go along with things" because of his controlling mother and passive father.
I can't express how broken hearted and confused I feel about this whole thing but I guess it feels nice to shine a light on it - and bring it to the open.
Electricity
Submitted by jennalemone on
Let him take care of the electric bill mid winter. When the electricity is turned off, take a little vacation at a nearby hotel until he figures out how to pay the electric bill. I had to do this. He thanked me later. It is weird how my husband could not see that I was paying for heat until HE got cold enough. He got a little part time job to make a little more contribution after that. My H is also a scavenger and hoarder. He also is proud of himself for "being able to live by the skin of his teeth". Wish he would have said those words before we started a family!
To clarify - the old man only brings in about $100 a week - whic
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<
To clarify - the old man only brings in about $100 a week - which ends up being about $400 a month.
We're not really talking - I've been so upset - but I watched his spending this week (I have a shared account with him and my own account) - he was at $ 6.72 and didn't spend a dime the whole week!
>>
I realize that he earns only $100 a week and that he goes entire weeks w/o spending anything. So, WHERE IS THE $400 a month going?
And, does he get paid monthly? Weekly? What? As soon as he gets paid, do you withdraw money to pay for bills? If not, why not?
Oh Overwhelmed Wife:
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Oh Overwhelmed Wife:
The money he makes goes towards our bills. It's just not equal. That is my big complaint.
His income goes toward the phone bill, the electricity. I paid a parking ticket with his income today. I work it the best I can. There is the car payment, the car insurance - then there are groceries, toliet paper, back taxes - gas, tuition - and the list goes on.
The smaller bills aren't an issue, he's all for me using his income to pay things. I just worry about the big bill at the month! If he brought in more - we wouldn't feel stretched so thin.
We're back in couples therapy - so I have faith it will work out.
Ahhh....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Glad to hear that you're in Couples therapy.
Thanks for the clarification. I understood that he wasn't earning a fair share, but I thought that he wasn't giving you anything. I can see that he falls short and most of the burden is on your shoulders.
I hope that a therapist will recognize what this is and treat it.
Boundaries
Submitted by MaineMama on
Its funny, but my husband would just wear more clothes and still not pay the electric bill. You know why? He deeply believes he can not (is not capable) of doing better and that is just his fate! So the pipes would freeze and burst, the kids and I would be homeless and my husband would just wait until Spring.
The tactic I use instead is described above, we agree on the amount I subtract from our joint account to my account every month and I pay the bills using his contribution. My husband is not argumentative about his contribution and accepts my recommendations based on his income (which to no-one's surprise is much lower than mine). Since creating this system I find myself more able to save and less invested in taking care of him. He is responsible for his own food, transportation - gas, insurance, and repairs, and student loans and contributes to our mortgage, childcare, and utilities. I wish he made more money, but I have accepted he is just not motivated because of his ongoing and unresolved ADD & personality symptoms.
Since putting this system in place a few months ago I am experiencing a lot of relief. I am using these next months to save, validate our new system and move towards future financial goals. This system has decreased my feelings of desperateness and increased his sense of independence (and he has picked up more hours at work since he concrete can see where his own money needs are too). I still feel disillusioned about the level of disrespect and disgust I feel towards him, not sure about where to go with repairing that area of our relationship!
Rewind
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Well, here I am again...in the same situation....
What exactly is your situation? Your first post seems 2 B Gone.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Can you tell us what's going on since your first post seems to have been deleted.
Denial
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Thanks for checking in Overwhelmed Wife.
I deleted my old post in anger the other night. I was so sad to see that I had written about the exact same thing I am experiencing now a few months ago.
But then it made me think long and hard about my husband - and all that he's been through - I found some old doctors notes - and I realized that I remain in denial about his limitations. I really don't want to admit that he struggles with a learning disability, executive function, ADHD...I can see that he doesn't want to either.
Today we had a long talk and I realized that if I can accept the way things are I can find a workable solution - but if I continue to deny his limitations I am left with frustration and anger.
Hard lesson. But a good one: Listen to him. Make friends with the diagnosis - learn the lesson it's trying to give you.
Well Done HyperBallad
Submitted by Delphine on
This was what I had to come to, myself--understanding of what is really going on with my son, taking into account his whole history--rather than judgment and frustration.
The exchanges with JJamieson are very helpful in going deeper into this.